Need of helpful advice

[at9009]

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So, I'll admit to being a tad over analytical so I would appreciate some of your perspectives.

So, here goes. I'm a gay guy about to complete my first year of medical school, but I'm pretty deep in the closet. Background: I have a pretty homophobic family and was kind of unwilling to admit my sexuality to myself until end of undergrad. I'm not open to my family because I did have fear of possible financial repercussions/disownment (I'm now financially independent so no longer an issue). That, in of itself, is a whole another issue I have to deal with at some point. However, I still have this general anxiety and worry about particular patients, attendings, or supervisors reacting poorly and possibly discriminated because of my sexuality (I know it's probably a tad paranoid).

However, the crux of the problem: I don't really plan on being super open (I guess I don't give off vibes or whatever the expression is) but I would like to get over this anxiety and anxiousness about people finding out. I guess because of my background, I have some fear about some attendings and some patients reacting very negatively should they guess or surmise my sexual orientation. Dating questions are pretty common questions and I'm getting tired of deflections (I'm currently single and not really planning on dating in the near future- that's another thing I have to figure out myself at some point).

For example, a social question during residency interview and I am asked about family plans, etc. I have this worry about my sexuality ending up as a negative check box for some (should I be open, deflect, omit particular facts and let the interview assume things......). I also have issues with worrying about residencies: Would a large subset of straight male patients have anxiety and prefer another doctor over me? Would a religious patient and their families prefer to not be seen by me (should they hear through the grapevine about my sexuality)? Ultimately, I would prefer the patient to be comfortable with me as their physician. If they were not, then I might not be able to provide them the best care possible (which then might mean another doctor would be a better option). What can I do to minimize or prevent any possible controversies at the clerkship or residency to avoid these type of conflicts (I'm not seeking to cause any residency any headaches or problems to constantly deal with). Or am I just assuming the worst and most of these problems are just my anxiety and won't come to fruition.

I dislike that these (probably overblown) insecurities and worries are adding extra stress to my medical school curriculum, a period where all of us are stressed and pushed. I also apologize if I come off as slightly neurotic in this particular situation. Any advice or perspectives would be greatly appreciated, and thank you all for taking the time to read my long spiel and ramble. Finally, happy Friday everyone.

 

[ERDOC555]

I can't really give you a whole lot of advice on the topic, but I can say that when it comes to patients it shouldn't be a big deal.

99% of the time patients have no reason to ask or assume that you are dating or married to someone. Even if they do ask, there are so many ways to give neutral answers that you wouldn't have to explicitly say "Hey, I'm your doctor and I'm gay". Basically, when it comes to patients the majority will never even know or ask, and out of the few that do somehow know or find out maybe a small subset will get angry, but that's just life. Some people won't be seen by female or black doctors because of personal prejudices, but these people are rare and you just need to move on.

At the end of the day your sexual orientation has no correlation with how good of a doctor you are and it shouldn't affect the vast majority of your patient interactions. I wouldn't worry about that.

As for the risk of being out during interviews or rotations, I think there is always a risk and some negative effects when you are open about your sexuality. Whether these small risks outweigh the benefits of being more comfortable and open, I can't say. Hopefully others who have gone through the process can give pros/cons to coming out or hiding your orientation during med school/residency.

 

[aim-agm]

Make use of strangers, that's how I fixed a problem with some similarity to yours. Talk to people you have never met, and may never meet again, (I personally did this at stuff through Meetup) and in the course of that conversation tell them you are homosexual. To the vast majority of people in this day and age, it will matter very little, and the experience will demonstrate to you that you don't need to be worried. If they react negatively, then what does it matter since you'll never see the bigot again (and you might start to pick up on signs that someone is bigoted). It's going to be difficult and awkward at first, but failure costs you nothing so just keep at it and it'll get better.

 

[at9009]

I can't really give you a whole lot of advice on the topic, but I can say that when it comes to patients it shouldn't be a big deal.

99% of the time patients have no reason to ask or assume that you are dating or married to someone. Even if they do ask, there are so many ways to give neutral answers that you wouldn't have to explicitly say "Hey, I'm your doctor and I'm gay". Basically, when it comes to patients the majority will never even know or ask, and out of the few that do somehow know or find out maybe a small subset will get angry, but that's just life. Some people won't be seen by female or black doctors because of personal prejudices, but these people are rare and you just need to move on.

At the end of the day your sexual orientation has no correlation with how good of a doctor you are and it shouldn't affect the vast majority of your patient interactions. I wouldn't worry about that.

As for the risk of being out during interviews or rotations, I think there is always a risk and some negative effects when you are open about your sexuality. Whether these small risks outweigh the benefits of being more comfortable and open, I can't say. Hopefully others who have gone through the process can give pros/cons to coming out or hiding your orientation during med school/residency.

Thanks for the response. I think I just needed a little reassurance that in 99% of the time the topic won't come up. I understand some patients have prejudices so that doesn't really affect me that much and if it would affect me from providing them adequate care then it would probably be best for them to have another physician anyway.

 

[at9009]

Make use of strangers, that's how I fixed a problem with some similarity to yours. Talk to people you have never met, and may never meet again, (I personally did this at stuff through Meetup) and in the course of that conversation tell them you are homosexual. To the vast majority of people in this day and age, it will matter very little, and the experience will demonstrate to you that you don't need to be worried. If they react negatively, then what does it matter since you'll never see the bigot again (and you might start to pick up on signs that someone is bigoted). It's going to be difficult and awkward at first, but failure costs you nothing so just keep at it and it'll get better.

That is actually a good idea. I never thought of it like that. It's just a tad weird because I wouldn't see me telling some random stranger since it is kind of a personal thing. Rather the issue is interacting with people on a semi-regular basis where questions of dating, etc. do come up. But I will definitely take what you said into consideration.

 

[Goro]

Just be yourself.

So, I'll admit to being a tad over analytical so I would appreciate some of your perspectives.

So, here goes. I'm a gay guy about to complete my first year of medical school, but I'm pretty deep in the closet. Background: I have a pretty homophobic family and was kind of unwilling to admit my sexuality to myself until end of undergrad. I'm not open to my family because I did have fear of possible financial repercussions/disownment (I'm now financially independent so no longer an issue). That, in of itself, is a whole another issue I have to deal with at some point. However, I still have this general anxiety and worry about particular patients, attendings, or supervisors reacting poorly and possibly discriminated because of my sexuality (I know it's probably a tad paranoid).

However, the crux of the problem: I don't really plan on being super open (I guess I don't give off vibes or whatever the expression is) but I would like to get over this anxiety and anxiousness about people finding out. I guess because of my background, I have some fear about some attendings and some patients reacting very negatively should they guess or surmise my sexual orientation. Dating questions are pretty common questions and I'm getting tired of deflections (I'm currently single and not really planning on dating in the near future- that's another thing I have to figure out myself at some point).

For example, a social question during residency interview and I am asked about family plans, etc. I have this worry about my sexuality ending up as a negative check box for some (should I be open, deflect, omit particular facts and let the interview assume things......). I also have issues with worrying about residencies: Would a large subset of straight male patients have anxiety and prefer another doctor over me? Would a religious patient and their families prefer to not be seen by me (should they hear through the grapevine about my sexuality)? Ultimately, I would prefer the patient to be comfortable with me as their physician. If they were not, then I might not be able to provide them the best care possible (which then might mean another doctor would be a better option). What can I do to minimize or prevent any possible controversies at the clerkship or residency to avoid these type of conflicts (I'm not seeking to cause any residency any headaches or problems to constantly deal with). Or am I just assuming the worst and most of these problems are just my anxiety and won't come to fruition.

I dislike that these (probably overblown) insecurities and worries are adding extra stress to my medical school curriculum, a period where all of us are stressed and pushed. I also apologize if I come off as slightly neurotic in this particular situation. Any advice or perspectives would be greatly appreciated, and thank you all for taking the time to read my long spiel and ramble. Finally, happy Friday everyone.

 

[TBV]

My being straight never comes up with patients or attendings because I work in a professional environment.

 

[futuremdforme]

During residency questions, if you have an SO, you can answer honestly, but if you're still single, you can just say "It will depend on finding that special someone" or something generic. It's true, you can't plan for someone else's role!

I don't think most patients will care as long as you're professional, and remember that if they do have an issue, it's their issue and not yours. I can't imagine it negatively affecting your work. I would consider trying to do residency in larger cities where people do tend to be less homophobic, plus it will also give you a greater opportunity to meet someone if that is important to you.

 

[at9009]

My being straight never comes up with patients or attendings because I work in a professional environment.

To be fair since most people are straight it is practically assumed. Also, I doubt you have to worry about patients or colleagues react negatively to you being straight. I don't want it to come to the point where lack of discrimination or animosity depends on my ability to not appear gay or whatever.

Though I appreciate what you mean. I take being professional seriously (I don't plan on being that open but I imagine related topics come up from time to time). However, I'm aware and expect colleagues do talk about their personal and social lives. So, I'm a tad more anxious about this topic and it's definitely influenced by my upbringing. I appreciate your response.

 

[Cinclus]

For example, a social question during residency interview and I am asked about family plans, etc.

Interviewers are not supposed to ask about family plans, marriage, etc. Only if you bring it up is it fair game for discussion.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

the biggest benefit is that you are in medical school. so many people are focused so much on the end goal that people are surprised to meet me, a married medical student, and just completely floored when they find out I have kids. if you are planning on staying single, you can be considered part of the norm and just use vague statements.

 

[at9009]

the biggest benefit is that you are in medical school. so many people are focused so much on the end goal that people are surprised to meet me, a married medical student, and just completely floored when they find out I have kids. if you are planning on staying single, you can be considered part of the norm and just use vague statements.

Thanks for the perspective. Major kudos for you for being able to handle medical school and kids. That is a major accomplishment.

 

[at9009]

Interviewers are not supposed to ask about family plans, marriage, etc. Only if you bring it up is it fair game for discussion.

Oh okay. I didn't know that. Thank you for your response.

 

[Crayola227]

yeah but it never stopped them from asking

that said - no one is going to ask if you're gay at an interview! at least not in a negative sense
I did hear of it coming up once - because the interviewer was also gay and wanted to make the interviewee feel more "comfortable" at their program (I think it had the opposite effect, point was the interviewer had no negative bias, probably the other way)

are you in a part of the country that's more conservative/homophobic?

many places almost seem to be wanting to *recruit* homosexual people to make a more diverse class
I don't know if that's true for employers beyond residency

I'm not going to lie and say there's zero chance you'll encounter discrimination if this were known widely about you
I know you are more likely to encounter discrimination in patients as we are expected to treat *any* random human, vs your colleagues, almost all of whom were recruited with some eye towards their level of tolerance for diversity, so they could treat said random humans

one of my best friends in medicine was gay and very open... as a few others in my class
a few of them said it made their ob/gyn rotation better, where patients definitely discriminate against docs based on gender, apparently many women felt more comfortable with male providers that were gay (I am not speaking for everyone, merely relating some anecdotes from ppl I know)

I would honestly look on this aspect of how you bring "diversity" to the healthcare workforce as more of a potential positive than negative (although like I said we can never completely discount the possibility of discrimination)

keep in mind, as a woman, I've had old dudes at the VA say discriminatory things
I've had people ask if I was "old" enough to be their doc, etc
like I said, patients are random people, and some of them are going to be massive dicks that hate everyone
some will hate old straight white dudes
some will hate hot young tall blonde lady docs with big boobs and a nice smile
on the other hand all those will be a teensy minority, 60% of the patients you meet will respect you enormously just for being a doc, and the other 39% that disrespect you will do so just because you're a doc... not because you're a gay doc

there are plenty of strategies you can find for how docs deflect personal life questions that are too personal (which in general we are encouraged to do so!) so I won't go into that

if you're single, you can dodge any such talk of a coworker setting you up with their sister / shut down any "your lovelife" talk but saying you are way too exhausted for any of that and just focussing on your career... maybe even until after residency
let them tire themselves out on a tirade about how life is too short for that now that you've changed the subject

some people who really fret about his actually find being "out" at work is more of a relief than wondering if people can "tell"
at least then you'll *know* they know and can gauge how they take it... it seems just as likely, probably moreso, that people will think you're extra "cool" or whatever just for being "different"

being part of any minority group is all the rage these days, at least amongst the academic elite, which medicine is