need some advice. input please.

[nightowl]

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hey everyone,

need some advice. my younger brother just passed away unexpectedly, he was only 21 years old. I am a 2nd year med student and I'm crushed. I came home right when I found out. I am really close to my family and am in school three hours away from home. I really don't feel like I have the strength or the will to go back beginning of january and finish out the semster. I especially don't feel like I'm going to be able to focus on the step I in the spring... I'm not the type that can not study and still do well... it has taken focus and dedication to get to this point in second year, and right now I have neither. My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family. I lost a close friend in college and it was by far my worst semester (2.7 gpa). anyway, just want to know if it sounds crazy to anyone to take the rest of the year off, or if I should just really try to push through this pain and just pass. I mean, I could probably pass the year and the step, even if I went back now, but if I wait until I'm feeling better about life and all, I might be abel to do really well.... bc I was planning on studying really hard and giving it my best before. now I don't really care... anyway, just want some other peoples' opinions on this.... 🙁

 

[OrnotMajestic]

hey everyone,

need some advice. my younger brother just passed away unexpectedly, he was only 21 years old. I am a 2nd year med student and I'm crushed. I came home right when I found out. I am really close to my family and am in school three hours away from home. I really don't feel like I have the strength or the will to go back beginning of january and finish out the semster. I especially don't feel like I'm going to be able to focus on the step I in the spring... I'm not the type that can not study and still do well... it has taken focus and dedication to get to this point in second year, and right now I have neither. My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family. I lost a close friend in college and it was by far my worst semester (2.7 gpa). anyway, just want to know if it sounds crazy to anyone to take the rest of the year off, or if I should just really try to push through this pain and just pass. I mean, I could probably pass the year and the step, even if I went back now, but if I wait until I'm feeling better about life and all, I might be abel to do really well.... bc I was planning on studying really hard and giving it my best before. now I don't really care... anyway, just want some other peoples' opinions on this.... 🙁

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I offer my condolences, as losing a family member is tough even without being in medical school.

My advice is to take the time off. Does your school make you start over in the fall or can you wait an entire year and just start from next January? I would say to do that...it will give you a year.

 

[nightowl]

anyone else...?

 

[smq123]

need some advice. my younger brother just passed away unexpectedly, he was only 21 years old. I am a 2nd year med student and I'm crushed. I came home right when I found out. I am really close to my family and am in school three hours away from home. I really don't feel like I have the strength or the will to go back beginning of january and finish out the semster. I especially don't feel like I'm going to be able to focus on the step I in the spring... I'm not the type that can not study and still do well... it has taken focus and dedication to get to this point in second year, and right now I have neither. My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family. I lost a close friend in college and it was by far my worst semester (2.7 gpa). anyway, just want to know if it sounds crazy to anyone to take the rest of the year off, or if I should just really try to push through this pain and just pass. I mean, I could probably pass the year and the step, even if I went back now, but if I wait until I'm feeling better about life and all, I might be abel to do really well.... bc I was planning on studying really hard and giving it my best before. now I don't really care... anyway, just want some other peoples' opinions on this.... 🙁

It's absolutely NOT crazy to take the rest of the year off. Obviously, this has been a very difficult time for you, and you're not doing yourself any favors by just pushing through and trying to pass.

The transition between 2nd year and 3rd year is crazy. You take Step 1, there's minimal vacation time, and boom! - suddenly you're running around the wards. I also found the hassle of scheduling 3rd year to be fairly stressful. I'm not sure how well you'll be able to deal with all this when you're feeling so emotionally stressed as well.

Talk to your advisors/mentors/student deans. Sure, it's an extra year - but what's a year? Take the time now to deal with everything, and come back when you've had a chance to deal with the pain.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. 🙁

 

[DrMom]

talk with your school about taking a leave of absence. I would think they'd be very understanding.

 

[ellia08]

Nightowl, I am so sorry.


I am sure that for the moment school is relatively trivial relative to what you are going through.

As per advice...

(In the interest of full disclosure I'll tell you that I lost my mother right before my MCAT in my junior year of undergrad. At the time, I stayed in school /took the MCAT/ applied to med school etc and faced a lot of the things you described. It was do-able and I did quite well but, in hindsight, I regret not taking time off.)

Having said that, its a very personal decision and I've known people who have gone both ways.

I want to reassure you that taking time off in med school does NOT result in disaster. A friend/medical-classmate of mine lost a parent as an M2 to a terminal illness and chose to take a year off. After some time to grieve etc, she used the rest of the year for academic research. (And many people take research/additional-study years who DONT have personal tragedies, so you needn't feel like you are wasting your time/education. People who take time off for other reasons will tell you that it fills out your academic profile anyway.) If you arent a research-oriented person, I am sure that there are other worthwhile avenues that would give you some time to grieve and.... although this is less important in the short-term, enrich your career.

The best advice I can give is to go have a frank talk with your class adviser (or whoever you trust in the administration). Find out what your options are. If you feel like you're not ready to continue, dont push yourself when there might be other options that would give you the time you need. From personal experience I can tell you that IS possible to academically perform at high levels after something like this... but I would trust my gut. If you think you need the time, TAKE the time. If you want to keep going, keep going but remember to cut yourself some mental slack now and again. In the long run a year doesn't mean much either way.

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Flopotomist]

nightowl - my condolences. I can not imagine what a horrible experience this must be for you and your family.

I would agree with other posters that it would be absolutely reasonable to take a leave of absence given the circumstances.

One other thing though, is you don't HAVE to take this leave if you don't want to. Grief is a very personal experience, and if you want to experience your grief by taking time off, that is fine, but it is ALSO fine to NOT take a leave of absence if you don't want to. You would NOT be disrespecting the memory of your brother if you took only a short leave of a few weeks to get yourself back together, and then continued on.

Whichever path you choose, I wish you the best. You will likely be pleasantly surprised at how much your school will support you during this. Good luck.

 

[ellia08]

One other thing though, is you don't HAVE to take this leave if you don't want to. Grief is a very personal experience, and if you want to experience your grief by taking time off, that is fine, but it is ALSO fine to NOT take a leave of absence if you don't want to. You would NOT be disrespecting the memory of your brother if you took only a short leave of a few weeks to get yourself back together, and then continued on.

Very true.

 

[OncoCaP]

hey everyone,

need some advice. my younger brother just passed away unexpectedly, he was only 21 years old. I am a 2nd year med student and I'm crushed. I came home right when I found out. I am really close to my family and am in school three hours away from home. I really don't feel like I have the strength or the will to go back beginning of january and finish out the semster. I especially don't feel like I'm going to be able to focus on the step I in the spring... I'm not the type that can not study and still do well... it has taken focus and dedication to get to this point in second year, and right now I have neither. My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family. I lost a close friend in college and it was by far my worst semester (2.7 gpa). anyway, just want to know if it sounds crazy to anyone to take the rest of the year off, or if I should just really try to push through this pain and just pass. I mean, I could probably pass the year and the step, even if I went back now, but if I wait until I'm feeling better about life and all, I might be abel to do really well.... bc I was planning on studying really hard and giving it my best before. now I don't really care... anyway, just want some other peoples' opinions on this.... 🙁

Wow, that's rough. Sorry to hear about your brother. Take the time you need to be with your family, grieve, and reflect. The deans will give you a leave, I'm sure; this med school stuff will be there for you when you are ready. Only you can really judge how long this leave is going to take.

I'm not sure I would rush back and risk messing up, but that's just me. On the other hand, I remember reading here on SDN about a student who was in a car accident, had to miss a bunch of school, and somehow managed to squeak by (I'm sure there are plenty of stories like that). I was blasted by a few individuals for being a pre-med at the time and not really understanding what it means to repeat a year. Well, I'm here in med school now and I still think I would take a leave of absence under certain circumstances, but I also see the value of considering other options if I wasn't sure if I could pass. This other student who was in the car accident was glad that she stuck with it and most people advised her to push hard to get it done (which she did). If there is some flexibility on making up stuff and not having to redo a whole year, I would probably look into that just to know the options.

Hang in there! (whether or not you take a LOA)

 

[Mr. Freeze]

I could see the case either way. I think I'd be inclined to take the time off. You are likely well-informed on how little spare time is in your future, at least for the next year. My little brother is a PITA, but I don't think I could grieve for him only during certain hours, and buckle down working towards my future during the remainder. I wouldn't want to cowboy up and get through it, only to crack next August when the weight of everything hits.

Some people might want to stay busy, to help take their mind off it. To me, being busy trudging through academic minutia is worlds different than staying busy by building something or taking up a hobby. And I don't know about your family, but in mine, if I went on with my school like nothing happened, it'd be REAL cold during holidays and birthdays. Even if that's probably what my brother would want. He'd say, "Dude. Just go rock the boards. I'll be fine up here; I mean, LOOK at this place!"

Either way, that really sucks. Your school will back you. Promise.

 

[sendwich]

I"m so sorry nightowl 🙁

As people ahead have suggested, take some time off to grief/get yourself back together. I had a friend who went through similar emotional trials during her 2nd year, which was BAD. She did really well first year (loaded up on the honors), and then barely passed 2nd year, just passed step 1. she ended up doing fine in terms of residency but she definitely had it in her to do really really well.

don't risk the rest of this year. going through a loss, especially in the family, is tough. you need to be okay first.

 

[smq123]

My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family.

Would you have to repeat ALL of second year if you took a LOA? You might not have to retake classes if you've already passed them. I have friends who took some 2nd year classes, passed them, and then took a LOA halfway through the year. They're coming back to school NOW - so they can start up again right where they left off.

I think from a school's standpoint, the classes that you've already passed do not have to be repeated.

 

[nightowl]

unfortunately, our courses second year last the entire year... so I would probably be better off saving second semester tuition and starting over next year if I take a LOA. it sucks, but there's not really an easy solution. I appreciate all of the support and advice. I'm pretty sure at this point I'm going to opt for time off...

 

[Thundrstorm]

If you feel too distracted to study, you should take the year off and come back fresh in the fall (I understand what you mean about needing to be really focused to do well -- I'm the same way). I second the recommendation to talk through all possible options with an administrator your trust. Just remember that 1 year is not a huge deal in the scheme of things, and the transition to 3rd year will be tough enough without personal tragedy throwing you off-kilter. As med students, we get into this tunnel-vision mentality where it seems like everything must revolve around school, but as I'm sure you know, that just isn't the case... my point being: don't worry too much about taking needed time off. People have done it for a lot less and come back really ready to continue, and gone on to become fine doctors.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[njbmd]

hey everyone,

need some advice. my younger brother just passed away unexpectedly, he was only 21 years old. I am a 2nd year med student and I'm crushed. I came home right when I found out. I am really close to my family and am in school three hours away from home. I really don't feel like I have the strength or the will to go back beginning of january and finish out the semster. I especially don't feel like I'm going to be able to focus on the step I in the spring... I'm not the type that can not study and still do well... it has taken focus and dedication to get to this point in second year, and right now I have neither. My question is, would you think it would be better to force myself to go back and finish the year and take the step, even though emotionally I am devastated and don't feel like I can do my best; or does it seem better to wait until I'm mentally more prepared, as in, next fall, and just repeat my second year and wait on the step? It would be an extra year, but I know I would do better once I have time to grieve and be with my family. I lost a close friend in college and it was by far my worst semester (2.7 gpa). anyway, just want to know if it sounds crazy to anyone to take the rest of the year off, or if I should just really try to push through this pain and just pass. I mean, I could probably pass the year and the step, even if I went back now, but if I wait until I'm feeling better about life and all, I might be abel to do really well.... bc I was planning on studying really hard and giving it my best before. now I don't really care... anyway, just want some other peoples' opinions on this.... 🙁

Sorry to hear of your loss. You might want to discuss your options with your Dean of Students who is the person that is in the best position to advise you of all of your options and discuss the ramifications of your choices. Rather than coming to a message board, seek some solid counseling both away from school and at school so that you make an informed choice that will be best for you. It is very difficult to be objective about your life and career when you are in a grieving state. Take some time, get some input from people who know you and then make the decision that works for you. Remember, you get one chance at medical school. Take the time and make good decisions that will help you to get through this difficult time without jeopardizing your academics or your emotions.

 

[Blade28]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I agree that a temporary leave of absence would probably serve you best. You also don't want to just barely pass Step 1 - come back and take it later on when some time has passed.

 

[45408]

If it were me, I'd take the time off. There's no way I could focus with that kind of loss. I'm sorry to hear about it. 🙁

 

[indo]

word, time off! Life>med school.

 

[Kandy2012]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I think you should take time off to be with your family and loved ones. When you feel you are mentally and emotionally prepared to conquer med school full on without any distractions, then go for it. In the mean time, you need some "you time." Your institution should understand. Good Luck 🙂

 

[mjl1717]

word, time off! Life>med school.

Im sorry to hear of your loss..Agree, grief is an indiviual thing.. Id might discuss it briefly with the school administration, but I wouldnt go thru an "emancipation proclamation" with them.. But they will probably be understanding..

 

[Doctor J]

My dad died a couple of months before I started medical school. If it had happened while I was enrolled I would have taken some time off. Know yourself (it seems like you do as you've been through this before) and you'll know what to do. My condolences.

 

[Slide]

I'm sure the deans will be very understanding of your situation and will help out in whatever way they can. Despite the things they say to us during orientation, deep down I know they have good hearts and will be compassionate towards your situation. Our class grieves for your loss and we will keep you and your loved ones in our thoughts and prayers as this week goes on.

 

[cleothecat]

I am sorry to hear about your brother.

Definitely speak to your faculty advisor about taking a short leave of abscence.

If you are studying away from home, have your faculty set you up with a primary care faculty member with expertise in grief counselling.

I personally have found that after a week or so, it is best to resume a schedule of work and or study tempered with time for friends and family to help you through this experience. Taking an extended time solely to grieve may lead you to become completely consumed by the grieving process in an unhealthy way.

 

[doc20]

I am sorry to hear about your brother.

Definitely speak to your faculty advisor about taking a short leave of abscence.

If you are studying away from home, have your faculty set you up with a primary care faculty member with expertise in grief counselling.

I personally have found that after a week or so, it is best to resume a schedule of work and or study tempered with time for friends and family to help you through this experience. Taking an extended time solely to grieve may lead you to become completely consumed by the grieving process in an unhealthy way.

I second that,
and I am not sure about your schools withdrawal policy, but you can at least try going in 2-3 weeks and see how you cope, and if it just doesn't work out, withdraw before they will refund 100% tuition back, I personally think this is the best middle way to chose from both options.

 

[OddNath]

Nightowl,

My condolences. So sorry you have to go through this. Just to give some personal experience (as other posters have)- I lost my brother during my junior year of college, didn't take any time off, and I don't think that was necessarily the healthiest decision. I have this bad habit of running away from and escaping problems rather than dealing with them (and med school facilitates this ALOT). I don't recommend starting this trend.

I hope you will take some time off for yourself and your family. Yes it's money, yes it's "lost" time, but what's 6 months when you look back on this later and know you were there for your family.