Oil & Water?

[Febrifuge]

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I'm curious about experiences on either side of the equation, in relationships between med students/ residents and "civilians." There are challenges and rewards, to be sure, but I know of at least a few relationships that ultimately didn't work, because of a disconnect between the driven/ ambitious/ focused med student and the non-med significant other.

I should clarify; I'm not trying to be a downer, or to suggest that relationships can't work while one partner is in med school/ residency. Nor do I mean to suggest that these breakups were unique to (or even caused by) the combination of med/non-med.

However, it does seem, just anecdotally, that when one partner is on this particular kind of long, difficult road, the focus he/she must maintain - and perhaps something about his/her way of looking at the world - can lead to a certain lack of common ground. This, in turn, can under certain circumstances expose, exacerbate, or maybe even cause realationship issues.

For example, a guy I work with was married to his wife for several years, from her 2nd year of med school through her 3rd year of residency. Ultimately, he claims she was no longer happy with him, as he is "just" a mid-level professional, and happy to remain so. He's a punk rocker on the weekends too, and feels his career is good enough where it is.

Admittedly this is secondhand, and I never met her so we don't have her side of the story. According to him, she changed over the years to the point where she could no longer reconcile her status as a doc with his contentment as a doc's husband.

My last S.O. will be heading into the sunset for residency in a few weeks. If I'd already been pre-med when we met... ehhh, I don't think it would have ultimately prevented us from breaking up, but maybe things would have been slightly different along the way. In future, I have to wonder if I'd be better off with someone who already 'gets' what med school is about, in the way I had to learn.

So the philosophical question, I guess, is whether the stress and strain of med school/ residency really does change a person so much that the choice of S.O. comes into question later. Also, it's only fair to ask whether this is really more of an issue in med school, or whether it's just life. Again, it can be a depressing subject, but let's try to be as objective and circumspect as we can.

Any thoughts? Stories to tell?

 

[manna]

Well, I personally don't have any experience re: relationships and med school (since I'm a lowly pre-med)... but my brother is in his residency, and his wife and I talk about med school-family issues pretty often (they also have three kids).

I don't know if this'll be any help, but here's what I've gathered.

Both partner has to be completely dedicated to making things work... particularly the non-student partner. There's no way a relationship is going to work unless that one person is willing to sacrifice ultimately of theirself for the betterment of their significant other. Unconditional love. Alot of it probably has to do with the level of commitment in a relationship as well, I'd think.

But like you said, it's probably just the way things work out. You'd have to walk a mile in those guys' shoes to really know the whole story.
Maybe it was a doomed relationship to begin with.

My husband and I are very different.. he's a blue-collar kind of guy, and well, I'm a pre-med. I have his full support in whatever I persue, though, and I feel that since we ARE so committed to each other, that our relationship will weather the storm (we've already had some bumps in the road). Maybe they were lacking some of that fortitude? I don't know...

Just my 2 cents (if it's even worth that much)

 

[pathdr2b]

My ex-husband was also a blue collar of sorts. He was a construction engineer. Very few days in suits, more like a hard hats.

Ultimately, our relationship fell apart due in part to my desire to become a doctor (Of course there were other reasons too.)

My current boyfriend (of a year) is a PharmD and also has a very high ranking position at a Pharmaceutical company. Because of his training and position he understands perfectly well that I have tons of work to do now (I'm preparing for the MCAT with a full-time job) and will have even more when I start medical school. I'm pretty sure that because of his support of me, I'll keep him around for a while😉

While I don't think having similar careers is a must in a medical student/non-medical student relationship, I'd say it certainily helps.

 

[k's mom]

Interesting thread.
I believe that this all depends on the specific relationship, and how you approach medical school. We were married before my SO was fully involved in his pre-med classes, and we had a toddler and one-on-the-way when he started school, so I think that skews things a bit from people who meet during medschool, or are not in a fully committed relationship when it starts.
Essentially, the medical school experience is so completely different than other advanced degree programs (the length, the focus, the inability to go part-time or be in control of where you attend school, etc...), that I believe it has to be approached differently than, say a law degree or MBA. My husband will be starting MS2, and as far as I'm concerned, WE are in medical school, not just him. This is something he has always wanted to do, and I cannot imagine living my life with someone who is not given the opportunity to pursue his dreams. The catch is, he is more than willing to sacrifice to do the same for me, and supported me through my advanced degrees. Oh yeah, people change, period. There is nothing special about medical school that causes this phenomenon!
Back to my very-disjointed point.....
I have been involved with every aspect of the road to medical school, from searching for schools that would fit our lifestyle and yes, I did veto more than one school....to debating what ultimate field he will choose for residency. I think the fact that my academic and professional background is in liberal arts/social science helps because it forces him to look beyond his textbooks, but at the same time, he must also be able to articulate what he is doing to someone without a science background.
That said, I often go cross-eyed
😕 (or just stop listening) when he is trying to tell me about that "cool immunology lecture," and he has absolutely no interest in reading my master's thesis on the pension system in Chile. (Can you blame either of us?)
Of course, I think having children helps as well, because it completely shifts your focus from "what I want" to "What we need" Making personal and professional sacrifices are easier when you are not just making them for your spouse, but for your family.

 

[dstn2bmd]

Mine is just tooooo depressing to even get started. When we met we were very much alike. Now, we are completely different in everyway( ideals, interests, spirituality, friends). It began when I went back to school to pursue my education. I have been very successful in school and have accomplished much in the last three years. I am very open minded and would love to have him involved in the medical school experience ( hey how about if he just sat down and looked at a few schools with me....not gonna ). So he told me that he only wants me to go to the med school in our city and if I get accepted anywhere else except that one school, he isn't going with me. So it will be me (a single mother) and my two children.

I told you it was depressing. But I am still going to be a doctor.

Heb

 

[Paws]

I think it depends on lots of factors; I mean that, traditionally it has been "easier" when the nonmed is the wife. But that's more a societal thing and has (I hope) changed for the better, so that now there are more men who are equally as supportive of their wives / SO going to med school. I'm sorry to hear about your partner's lack of support, Dstn2b.

I have met some guys who 1) laugh and say, great! I'll support you through medschool if you support me afterwards or 2) who get very snitty and defensive, like they're almost 'mad' I'm pursuing this direction. Now, if I could just find the guys in the middle who are happy for me and want to work this as a real team!

I think it does take someone in a similar field or who is understanding of the real rigors that this undertaking requires. It really is a lifetime committement like no other - except maybe children!

I have seen alot of my old friends fall away as I have gotten closer to the applications and moving on. So, even friends have mixed feelings and some have even gotten angry at me, like I had suddenly changed the rules of the relationship. 🙄

But, then I have met new friends who were VERY supportive of my work. That's life, we change and grow. I'd like to think I'll meet a nice fellow Doc when I'm working hard and loving what I do. I'm trying to go with the flow and not push nor hold onto anything or anyone.

 

[daisygirl]

I am a med student married to an electrician (actually the second of this month was our 5 year anniversary 😀 ). My husband and I are very different in many aspects- educational levels, interests, hobbies, etc.. And although we are so different, it hasn't caused any intense friction between the two of us.

In all honesty, I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for my husband's support during my hellish induction into medical school. He has been completely unselfish and sooo supportive. I had a tumultuous first semester that wasn't made any easier by my having to live out by school which happens to be ~1hr away from home. Thus, I didn't see him or my pets (which I happen to love very much) for days at a time. When I was home, I spent many days crying my eyes out while moaning about how I want to quit medical school because I hated everything about it. My husband was a complete saint during this period and never once made my hellish experience more hellish by complaining about how his life had changed so dramatically too.

I find that being married to an individual who is completely 'outside the box' in terms of medicine has many positives. Just being able to go home/speak on the phone and talk about everyday nonsense is a relief. I am not an a-type personality, unlike many of my classmates, so it is quite nice to talk to a non-a-type at the end of the day.

Anyhow, I am very content and happy with my blue-collar husband. From my own experience, your marriage/relationship is not doomed if there is a mixing of white-collar/blue-collar professions. Many ingredients (ie. love, committment, honesty, respect, wanting to see your significant other attain their goals and dreams, kicking jealousy to the curb, etc...) are necessary in order for a relationship to be successful, and I honestly believe that the basic ingredients are universal in terms of any relationship. All relationships require the effort of both individuals, and relationships tend to crumble when one/both individuals are not able/willing to put the effort needed in order to keep a relationship healthy.

 

[dstn2bmd]

Originally posted by daisygirl
From my own experience, your marriage/relationship is not doomed if there is a mixing of white-collar/blue-collar professions. Many ingredients (ie. love, committment, honesty, respect, wanting to see your significant other attain their goals and dreams, kicking jealousy to the curb, etc...) are necessary in order for a relationship to be successful, and I honestly believe that the basic ingredients are universal in terms of any relationship. All relationships require the effort of both individuals, and relationships tend to crumble when one/both individuals are not able/willing to put the effort needed in order to keep a relationship healthy.

I agree 100%

Heb