On a Mission Guilt

[BuSyDaZe]

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Hello All,

I'm a regular visitor here and have read alot of great advice over the years. As of right now I am still on my journey to becoming a doctor, and engaged in many extracurricular and academic activites. As you may see from my title I am definitely on a mission to make this dream a reality. Although, I love volunteering (both medical and non-medical), my first priority is and always will be my family (I am a wife and mother of three). So as a mother, wife and non-traditional student I am experiencing alot of guilt 🙁 from all the activites I am submerged in.

Please don't get me wrong, I am very determined and committed, but I just feel like maybe I need to cut back some. I am such a perfectionist and when I start something it's hard for me to break away.

Here is a break down of some of my activites:

1) Full-time Student (graduating this semester)
2) Research Student-upcoming publication
3) Clinical volunteer (free clinic)-phlebotomist
4) Leader (1) and membership associations (3)
5) Tutor and mentor
6) Studying MCAT

I know this may not seem like a whole whole lot, but I came from being a stay at home mommy (about 3 1/2 years ago) to on a mission full throttle. I have been balancing home life and these activities pretty well, but sometimes its just alot for my family to undertstand. This dream is not only for myself, but also for all my family and loved ones that need to know that reaching for a goal of this magnitude is possible👍.
I have read alot of good advice on here and hope that I can get some advice on if this too shall pass or if I really need to cut back.

Thanks in advance🙂!

 

[seelee]

Medicine is a big commitment. Not just in school and not just in residency. And when you have a family, they are having to make that commitment with you. Therefore, they do, and should have a say on what happens. I know a lot of people who will suggest that you continue on the path to medicine at the expense of friends and family, but I disagree. The issue for them may not be whether or not you are capable. You have to find out what that issue is.

What I would suggest is for you to have an honest talk with your husband and children and find out if they are 100% behind you. Don't get defensive, don't try to argue your point, just listen to how they feel and what they want. Then you have to decide where to place your priorities.

Good luck.

 

[xblurr]

I can't really speak on the family responsibilities part (I don't have one as I have a tough time even taking care of myself 🙂 ) but I can relate to the having a dream/goal part. It sounds like you really want this and at least to me, the things you have listed impress me.

I want to think that if you really want something, you'll find a way. I hope you can do it with the support of your family.

Good luck.

 

[BuSyDaZe]

@Seelee and X-blurr-Thank you and I really appreciate your responses.

I have always been a person to learn and accept advice from others, especially those that have been and going through the journey themselves. From the beginning I have always had a very good communication line with my husband and children. I have always encouraged them to tell me when I need to devote more family time or take a break, no matter how bad it makes me feel. I even ask my little one (5 year old-he definitely tells me just how he feels).

My husband has been so so supportive of me and is the type of father that does not mind stepping in for mommy at times. With that being said, he is also learning and going through the emotions of this journey with me. He is so an opposite of me (more laid back, chilled and takes life as it comes) so when I get frustrated over grades, etc.. he sometimes doesn't understand the complexity of it.

I recently stopped working part-time because the hours would not have allowed me to graduate. My volunteering and research are in between class hours and go according to my schedule. My husband works very hard everyday, but knows that it will all pay off soon. The other day he told me "Babe I know you are going to eventually become a doctor one day," and that meant so much to me because they are the only ones that could deter me from this journey. The only time he complains is when other fullfillments aren't taken care of right away (hehe) . My guilt is mainly from me feeling bad because I was always at their immediate access in the past.

I love my family very much and will definitely take this advice into consideration. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[cabinbuilder]

As a mom I understand your anguish. I started medical school when my kids were 2 and 5. My husband had to hold down the fort while I was in class all day and in the evenings when I had study group. It was 5 years of sacrifice and struggle. Residency wasn't that hard since my kids were in school all day and I usually got home by 5 - I went to a very family friendly residency. Now I have a career that I love, can provide for my family and will always have a job. That is HUGE in this economy where everyone else is struggling. If your husband is behind you then just DO IT. Understand though that it may mean moving more than once. Don't expect to be able to stay where you are for the entire journey. I think it is totally worth it. I did not miss out on my kids' life, I went to all their school functions and they are well adjusted and good students. Feel free to PM me if you have other questions.

 

[BuSyDaZe]

@Cabinbuilder-thank you so so much for these words of inspiration! It really means a great deal to hear this from someone who has a family and made her dream a reality as well. I know it will not be a piece of cake, but I have overcome many obstacles in life and more than ready to make it happen. I will definitely PM you later.
Thanks and much appreciation!!

 

[Luv2Cut]

Sadly that guilt will never go away. You will always have somewhere to be, or a patient to see. But this is the life you've chosen. I think its a little harder being the mom though. And this is an issue when you get to med school and residency. Believe I've seen it over the years in my classmates.

One thing you can do is try not to separate that required time you need for studying, research or volunteering as much as you can. Understand this will not be possible for some things, such as working in the hospital. But make your family a part of these things as much as you can.

I can remember making my 9yo daughter my 'research assistant' when I did a field ecology project in undergrad and I even included her name in my Acknowledgements. I took my other daughter with me to a volunteer medical missions van when I was in residency. During med school my wife made it a point a few times during the week to bring the family to meet me for a quick dinner on those nights I didn't come home from school and was studying. During residency me and my wife would meet for lunch in the hospital cafeteria when we could.

But make no mistake undergrad, med school and residency is hard on you and it will be hard on your family. They will learn to function independently without you. One day it will pay off. You making the biggest investment you ever made in your life. You investing in yourself. Just remember anything worth something is never easy.

 

[BuSyDaZe]

@Love2Cut-Thanks and I really appreciate all the different perspectives on this forum. It's funny you mention making my family a part of my journey because I meant to add that on my last post. Since beginning this journey my family have basically been like another member at my institute. As a leader and member of different associations I include them in all the events or ventures they can come to. At research and pre-medical conferences, they travel with me (if they have an off day at school or work), but I'm usually pretty busy at a stationary location around town.

As for what you've said about sitting and having lunch with your wife during residency, we have also previously talked about that as well. I love the presence of my family so I will definitely try to include them in as much as possible of my everyday life. For instance, I have been reading and discussing all the comments and advice to my husband, uneditied 😀, so that he may too hear the perspective from those that are going through and been through it.

He loved to hear a males perspecitve on the subject too, so thanks a bunch👍!!

Growing up I had very little guidance on what it takes to become a doctor. Though I eventually began learning through a series of self-acquired steps, I have gained a great deal of information from SDN alone (Shucks, my laptop homepage is SDN). I like that the information is clear and un-cut, and for the most part gives advice in truth and unified assistance. Thank you all !

**Sorry about all the icons, they're just soo cute!

 

[jackieMD2007]

You're going to feel bad being away from your kids and hubby. However I think that when you commit to medicine you have to accept a new balance in your life and accept that the kids and hubby can "make it without you" and IT HURTS!

I would be careful of anyone that says "when you get to third year" or "when you get to fourth year" or "when you're in residency" THEN YOUR TIME "blah blah blah" because from my own experience (and those around me in similar situations) every year is a moving target filled with its own challenges, schedule snafus and etc. And your kids are getting older. And hubby is at his job with his problems.

It can definitely be done but you're going to have some heartache. It is a big change to put one's self first, too 🙂