OT: Family Issues, Need Advice!

[NStarz]

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So this is going to be a very long post, read at your own risk!!! I'm not even sure if this is appropriate, but I really need advice and my parents generally just brush me off when I bring it up.

Some background: Generally, my family is awesome. I love my parents, and they have always been sooo supportive of me in whatever I do. My issue is, frankly, my sister. I love her to death and would do anything for her, but she drives me absolutely nuts. She's 23 (going on 12), which is two years older than I am (about 2.5 actually). She has always been shy, and I guess throughout high school she was depressed. I would always try to pick up the pieces (which is odd for me because I'm the younger sister), including speaking to my two psychology teachers in high school. She went to a therapist for a while and was diagnosed with "social anxiety." She went on meds. All good and fine. She commuted to college so she wouldn't have to deal with people. Go to class, come home, bother me, etc.

She has also been self-diagnosed as OCD, and will proclaim so every 5 minutes to get attention. She always tries to "one-up" me (ie, I'm not feeling well, she's not feeling well more). If we're out with my grandparents having dinner, she'll have a headache and start complaining. My dad accidentally elbowed her in the face, not hard at all, and she waited until my parents looked at her to start crying (because obviously it only hurt when they looked!). Keep in mind, she is TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She is a hypochondriac (IMO) as one person cannot possibly have asthma, IBS, OCD, social anxiety, headaches, and a myriad of other ailments all at once. I was hospitalized for severe medical issues my freshman year and she was still trying to one-up me when I was in the hospital. Seriously?

She is so entitled and I can't stand it. I stopped going to work with my mom (teacher) because she can do everything better than me and she knows best. (She is also going into teaching.) My family has connections with various superintendents of various districts and they have been trying to get her a job in one of their schools. One of the superintendents was trying to get her a job in a district that she didn't particularly want to work in and said she wouldn't accept the job if offered (after this guy went out on a limb for her). I told her she better accept any job that she was offered considering teachers are getting laid off all over the place and she refused, having a five year old temper tantrum.

She verbally attacks my dad for no reason at all and he takes the abuse (usually). She'll make him get her gas, go to her car to get her stuff that she left in there instead of getting off her lazy butt to do it herself. He'll go to the supermarket and get something wrong that she wanted and she'll yell at him for twenty minutes (get it your-freaking-self!!!!). She becomes obsessed with people and won't leave them alone (not like stalker-ish, but very intense), and then wonders why they don't want to hang out with her.

And then she gets mad at ME for actually saying something to her. I had a fight with my mom the other day (her being the cause) and I brought up that she was the most selfish, entitled person I'd ever met. Yes, it was said in the heat of the argument and I probably wouldn't say it again, but she heard it, and instead of listening to what I actually said and self-reflecting, I am the bad guy because I "hate her," which she is going around telling her two people that she is intensely interested in right now.

She may have OCD and she may have social anxiety, but she uses everything as an excuse not to push herself and to excuse her poor behavior. I am really at my wit's end and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm so sorry if this is not the place to discuss this, but I feel better at least having vented. I also know that this is one-sided and that anyone can say "well, what's her side of the story?" But this is my side. And I would appreciate help of any kind 😉

 

[StartingoverVet]

So this is going to be a very long post, read at your own risk!!! I'm not even sure if this is appropriate, but I really need advice and my parents generally just brush me off when I bring it up.

Some background: Generally, my family is awesome. I love my parents, and they have always been sooo supportive of me in whatever I do. My issue is, frankly, my sister. I love her to death and would do anything for her, but she drives me absolutely nuts. She's 23 (going on 12), which is two years older than I am (about 2.5 actually). She has always been shy, and I guess throughout high school she was depressed. I would always try to pick up the pieces (which is odd for me because I'm the younger sister), including speaking to my two psychology teachers in high school. She went to a therapist for a while and was diagnosed with "social anxiety." She went on meds. All good and fine. She commuted to college so she wouldn't have to deal with people. Go to class, come home, bother me, etc.

She has also been self-diagnosed as OCD, and will proclaim so every 5 minutes to get attention. She always tries to "one-up" me (ie, I'm not feeling well, she's not feeling well more). If we're out with my grandparents having dinner, she'll have a headache and start complaining. My dad accidentally elbowed her in the face, not hard at all, and she waited until my parents looked at her to start crying (because obviously it only hurt when they looked!). Keep in mind, she is TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She is a hypochondriac (IMO) as one person cannot possibly have asthma, IBS, OCD, social anxiety, headaches, and a myriad of other ailments all at once. I was hospitalized for severe medical issues my freshman year and she was still trying to one-up me when I was in the hospital. Seriously?

She is so entitled and I can't stand it. I stopped going to work with my mom (teacher) because she can do everything better than me and she knows best. (She is also going into teaching.) My family has connections with various superintendents of various districts and they have been trying to get her a job in one of their schools. One of the superintendents was trying to get her a job in a district that she didn't particularly want to work in and said she wouldn't accept the job if offered (after this guy went out on a limb for her). I told her she better accept any job that she was offered considering teachers are getting laid off all over the place and she refused, having a five year old temper tantrum.

She verbally attacks my dad for no reason at all and he takes the abuse (usually). She'll make him get her gas, go to her car to get her stuff that she left in there instead of getting off her lazy butt to do it herself. He'll go to the supermarket and get something wrong that she wanted and she'll yell at him for twenty minutes (get it your-freaking-self!!!!). She becomes obsessed with people and won't leave them alone (not like stalker-ish, but very intense), and then wonders why they don't want to hang out with her.

And then she gets mad at ME for actually saying something to her. I had a fight with my mom the other day (her being the cause) and I brought up that she was the most selfish, entitled person I'd ever met. Yes, it was said in the heat of the argument and I probably wouldn't say it again, but she heard it, and instead of listening to what I actually said and self-reflecting, I am the bad guy because I "hate her," which she is going around telling her two people that she is intensely interested in right now.

She may have OCD and she may have social anxiety, but she uses everything as an excuse not to push herself and to excuse her poor behavior. I am really at my wit's end and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm so sorry if this is not the place to discuss this, but I feel better at least having vented. I also know that this is one-sided and that anyone can say "well, what's her side of the story?" But this is my side. And I would appreciate help of any kind 😉

Many people don't realize how difficult it is for the family of someone with mental disorders. What you are going through is not uncommon at all. Unfortunately, the real issue is for you to learn to deal with the feelings you are having, which are normal and understandable. You will not be able to change your sister, and she is most likely going to continue act this way for a very long time at least.

I would recommend you find professional help, not because there is anything wrong with you, but you need the support of someone who understands what you are going through. There are also support groups for family members like yourself. It is not going to get any easier. But don't play the blame game. Don't blame your sister, but more importantly don't blame yourself for feeling this way.

Good Luck.

 

[sunnyshine]

The best advice I can give is exactly what SOV said -> seek professional help. It would be ideal for you to get the other members of your family (especially your sister) to go with you to a therapist, but if you are the only one willing to see a therapist right now then at least its a start. I understand how difficult it is to grow up in a house like yours because I have actually been diagnosed with OCD myself. Good luck!

 

[BlacKAT33]

I agree with SOV.
Also, is it possible to move out of your house so you aren't around it? I'm sure you don't have a ton of money, but if you live near a college town you can get a house/apt with some roommates and have cheap rent. Or, if you seek professional help and have your parents come (im thinking maybe best for the sister to be out of this one convo) maybe they will understand that you need to be living somewhere else and they can help you out on the rent?

 

[NStarz]

I agree with SOV.
Also, is it possible to move out of your house so you aren't around it? I'm sure you don't have a ton of money, but if you live near a college town you can get a house/apt with some roommates and have cheap rent. Or, if you seek professional help and have your parents come (im thinking maybe best for the sister to be out of this one convo) maybe they will understand that you need to be living somewhere else and they can help you out on the rent?

That was the goal this year (I'm going to be a senior). Frankly, though, I'm kind of resentful of the fact that I need to be considering moving out of the house when I'm perfectly happy here (well, mostly). Also, my family dogs are getting older (one is 13, and the other is 7) and I would feel awful not being here. Furthermore, my foster cat that we adopted seems to be permanently living here, even though he's my cat. He's only a year old.

Unfortunately, I don't think moving out is an option right now but my solace is that I will be moving out in two years (hopefully!) for vet school.


To sunnyshine and SOV:

I think that is the avenue I'm going to have to take. I know there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help! However, I don't think it's fair for me to seek help when she isn't even trying to remedy anything. But hey, life isn't fair, and we all just have to deal with this stuff sometimes. 🙂 I'm going to have to have a serious discussion with my parents soon about this. I am going to EXPLODE!!!!!!

Also, sunnyshine:
I applaud you for coping with a debilitating disorder, I didn't mean to belittle it at all (not sure if it came across that way). I don't think, however, that my sis actually has it (of course, I am not a mental health professional, so who am I to diagnose her?---or it is an extremely mild case). One of my teachers in high school had OCD and it was definitely detectable (and she was on medication for it as well.) Even if she does have it, my main beef is that she uses it as an excuse all the time, and uses it to get attention.

 

[sunnyshine]

Nstarz - I do not feel as though you were belittling OCD, in fact I agree with everything you said. Good luck and please contact me if you need any help with anything.

 

[that redhead]

I'm sorry that you're so frustrated. I'm not in your situation so I know it's probably easy for me to say, but your sister does have a perspective on all of this, even if it may be unreasonable. I think she needs to seek/continue with professional help because if she has mental disorders (and I do know someone with social anxiety, and it is a real thing), medication or therapy are probably the best routes to coping with them.

Your parents either need to stand up for themselves and stop "enabling" her, or continue with the way things are going. There is nothing you can really do about this, unfortunately; it's something that needs to come from them. I would just console yourself with the fact that you'll be out of the house soon, and if you're able, move. Bring your foster cat. Leave the dogs. I know its a sad thing, but that doesn't mean you can't go home and visit. I went off to college and lived away from home and came home every weekend my freshman year to see my family dog. It was sad at first but I was able to handle it.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, because it sounds like its a frustrating situation. I think you need to take a deep breath, tighten your belt and get along with your life, ignoring your sister as much as possible.

 

[goldnretrivrgrl]

It can be very hard for parents to admit there is a problem with their child, no matter how old her or she is. My brother is autistic and I love him very much, but life with him can be hard. I moved out when I went to college and I'm so glad I did. I had to leave to realize how anxious and unhappy I had been feeling while living at home full time. Now that I'm not living there for most of the year I find that I am better able to deal with his quirks and that I am a better sister to him when I am home.
If moving out isn't a possibility, I strongly suggest going to see a therapist. Much of my fears and concerns were unspoken because I did not want to hurt or worry my parents. It's never good to keep it all inside. Good luck!