Personal Statement Advice

[JVixen]

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So i have been trying to finalize my personal statement and have had an advisor read it and two professors. The two professors added small tid bits and my advisor mentioned to me to write more about experiences. I wrote about a few experiences but feel as though it doesnt say much about where I came from and how hard I have worked to be where I am today.

Here is a brief outline.
1. intro about a call i had been on from my emt squad to catch the readers attention
2. what sparked my interest in medicine
3. where i went to college and when i decided medicine was for me
4. experience i had while working at a fertility clinic
5. another intense experience with the first aid squad that helps wrap up the whole essay

I kind of am unhappy with the personal statement though, because it seems to be missing my hard work and struggles to make it where I am today but I feel like I trust my advisor in steering me on the right path since she deal with this more than I do.

Any advice/thoughts??? or suggestions about people on the forum who would be willing to read and critique it?

 

[PlaqueBuster]

It is hard to tell anything from your outline but if you send your PS to me, I can read it and give you advice.

From the outline I would say, it is really important to have a focus on your PS. You are not writing your life history but answering two simple questions: 1. Why do you want to do medicine? 2. Why do you want to be a Physician? I agree with your advisor to add detail on experiences. One detailed example of an EMT run may be sufficient to convey this. Where you went to college, your classes, etc will be included on transcript. Save your list of experiences for secondaries and activities on the application.

You have a character limit

 

[hoihaie]

Hard to tell from an outline. You can PM me and I can read it over

 

[caffeinemia]

I do this stuff a lot. Based on the info you provided, here are my thoughts. Best o luck!

1. intro about a call i had been on from my emt squad to catch the readers attention
-- paragraph 1 is missing a thesis statement. Generally, get to point and say why doctor.

2. what sparked my interest in medicine
-- i hope it wasn't classes.

3. where i went to college and when i decided medicine was for me
--Unless where you went to college was on top of kilimanjaro and you did research on high altitude cpr, this is definitely not that interesting and a waste of space.
- hope your reason/decision is compelling, but it seems like a redo of paragraph two.

4. experience i had while working at a fertility clinic.
- what did you learn about medicine/yourself?

5. another intense experience with the first aid squad that helps wrap up the whole essay
- see my comment for paragraph 4.

 

[JVixen]

Thank you for all the help I think I will be able to critique my personal statement and see where it is lacking from what you have said, and I do have to agree now that you mention it that paragraph 3 seems like a waste of space. As far as what sparked my interest in medicine it wasnt classes hahah.

 

[ndafife]

Here are a few thoughts based on advice I was given.

1. Show, don't tell.... Don't say you are something, use an example to show you are it.

2. Go through each and every sentence and look at it and ask yourself, what is the point of this sentence? What message does this sentence convey? How does this sentence help convey my goal: explaining why I want to be a physician and why you should accept me into your school.

-- Now based on what you are thinking--
I agree with what others have been saying. You seem to be telling stories, and you should be talking about yourself while throwing in short anecdotes to accent what you say about yourself and the medical field