Personal statement meltdown

[halesvet]

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I know that the deadline is very quickly approaching, and I wanted to get my whole VMCAS application out by this weekend. I have everything done except my personal statement. I've done a whole lot of drafts: rethinking, re-editing, rearranging, but I just don't think it will make me stand out.

I have really good grades, pretty good GRE scores, but I'm worried the admissions board wont even get to those if my personal statement doesnt stand out...i'm scared and i'm reaching burnout point. I've attached my statement...I can't keep looking at it. Everytime I read it I want to delete it and just start over but I don't have enough time to write a whole new essay.

Help? Please?

 

[Nexx]

hey,

Please don't take any of what I am about to say personally, as it really is meant to be constructive (but it's late here so my brain isn't running well!).

I think you have some great ideas expressed in your essay, but it probably could use some work. Overall I think the areas that need the most work are the first two paragraphs and the closing paragraph. (BTW, never delete what you write.. just hit enter a few times and drop it to the bottom of the paper. Sometimes you just can never phrase things the same way twice and you can lose good wording that way)

Let's start at the beginning, I really think a new opening line would be better. The short metaphorical intro is fit in a bit akwardly.

The next paragraph should be worked a bit more to lead into your next paragraph which talks abotu variety and vet med. The last sentence definitely needs more to transition.

The next paragraph is pretty good, although I'd recc changing "Being able to adapt my perspectives as a group tutor for Organic Chemistry" to something like "as a tutor for Organic chemistry it was necessary to adapt my perspectives so I could find a novel way..."

I think the main thing is to work on transitions from paragraph to paragraph. You seem to have all the 'core' requirements, and the middle paragraphs express good thoughts (IMO) but to me, they just don't seem to flow nicely into each other.

disclosure: I've only written one personal statement to an aussie school, which I'm happy to forward you a rough draft (I lost the final copy 🙁 ) if you like since seeing other people's work sometimes helps me.

btw, there is definitely good stuff in there. I just think your editing and rearranging may have mucked stuff up a bit. I spent about 36 hours total working on mine and still almost mailed it off with some glaring errors. It wasn't until I let it sit for 2 days and then came back to it that I was able to see how things could be changed and reworked.

/time for bed 🙂

 

[Pomona2006]

My humble advice...

would be to go through each paragraph and determine what you want to accomplish in that paragraph - designate a theme/topic and go with it. Also, the first and last sentences of a paragraph should make the transition between topics clear. As Nexx suggested, you need to make sure you are communicating that change of topic in these sentences so that the reader doesn't feel you are without focus.

These are just suggestions from a writing point of view (not directed at content).

Hope that helps!

And as Nexx suggested - NEVER DELETE, just save new drafts.

 

[bunnyslippers]

I actually really like your personal statement. I think it's straight to the point and I can feel your dedication to the career. I would however recommend rewriting the first two sentences of the last paragraph to give them more punch.

I feel your struggle though. I feel like I'm having a hard time setting myself apart and making myself memorable.

 

[LucyLoo]

I too have only written one personal statement but thought I would share some of the suggestions I have received that may help you out.

I agree with Nexx about working on the fluidity. I approached the personal satement as telling a story about myself and what influenced me and shaped my life. From the sound of your statment you have done many interesting things but you may want to choose a few experiences and go more in depth rather than trying to fit everything you have done into the statment (they will see it in the experience section anyway).

I started with a sort of outline of what I wanted to convey to the reader and pretty much just put myself out there and tried to show them who I am at my core. I actually did like your opening line but it might be more effective if you can somehow tie it more strongly to the rest of your statement.

I don't know how many people you've had read it, but the more the better. My school's writing center also gave me good feedback. And like someone said before, I walked away from it for a week and come back with fresh eyes.

Goodluck!

 

[twelvetigers]

" My involvement has been multifaceted and comprehensive."

That sort of sounds like you're reading from a checklist on what to put into a personal statement. "Try and show the reader that you have comprehensive experience with many facets." In other words, I would try and explain how this is true.

I'm also unsure about the french braid reference.

Definitely don't rewrite it though, just try to organize and streamline the thoughts that are there.
🙂

 

[meadow36]

It kind of reads like a resume .... I don't think you need to list your experiences (they are in your app anyway) but rather tell a story about yourself, who you are and how you got involved in vet med. What was your original driving force into the field? Do you have any funny stories / antidotes that you can add? Also, you have not talked about what your career goals are. Are you definately going into zoo med? I know a lot of people have yet to choose a definate career track but I am told (by former adcoms) that it is imperative to talk about possible career goals for yourself, even if they aren't solidified yet.

 

[DVMorBust]

Hey,

I was procrastinating with my own personal statement

and have a slightly obsessive love of editing, so I took a look and tossed in some suggestions (in bold). Nothing too detailed, since I didn't want to go overboard, but let me know if anything's unclear or if you want me to go further. Everyone's been giving really good suggestions - you have a solid grounding for your statement, it's just about packaging it 'prettier'.

 

[bunnyslippers]

I have a general question for all of you guys about personal statements. I didn't realize that that vet med was for me until about 3 years ago so I've spent a large portion of my p.s. talking about how I finally decided to pursue getting a DVM, what part of the field I am interested in and why, and how hard I have worked these past 3 years to apply. I VERY briefly mention some of my vet/research/science positions but just in passing to better speak on what I've learned about myself. I never come anywhere near saying anything explicit like... "amongst perfecting my venipuncture skills while working at ABC Animal Hospital I also came to understand....."

I guess my question is: is it beneficial to at some point in your p.s. to list your skills and position to some degree?

I'm getting worried that I'm not doing this enough.

 

[lailanni]

While your PS has some nice points, I would agree with the above posters who said it reads like a resume. I didn't really feel like I got to know you. I know about the things you did, it didn't really let me know who you are. IMHO, some of the best PS I've read have been ones that tell a story, ones that really engage the reader. The poor reader guy is going to read hundreds of statements, so try and tie a unique part of yourself into it.

They're probably more apt to remember the PS where someone vividly told about a major point in their life -- instead of the PS where someone talked about doing 1, 2, 3, at X, Y, Z. In general, I also stray from using the words "I'm passionate about..." or "the driving force in my life is..." Instead show them why it's your passion, how you live your life...

And don't have a meltdown 🙂 Where'd that Line by Line PS thread go? That was hillarious! Go read that and smile 🙂

 

[david594]

So if I want critiques on my own personal statement.... should I post it here? ...Start a new thread? ...or find a different one?

 

[VAgirl]

I really agree with the people who said that it reads too much like a resume. They have your whole list of activities, etc. etc. There is no need to restate them, and doing so really makes for a dry read.

I met with my UCD faculty mentor a few days ago for the first time, someone who said she's played a role in vet med admissions committees before, and the thing that stood out to me is that she said she wants to see PASSION in applicants. It almost didn't even matter what it was a passion for, according to her. Ideally it's a passion for an area of vet med, but she said it could even be a passion for cross country skiing (or insert random thing here). The point is, she wants to select people who are excited to get out of bed in the morning to do something, anything.

My major comment to you is that your statement lacks passion. You talk about your passion. But don't talk about it. Show us. Tell us about one or a few formative experiences, walk us through how they changed you, what you learned, how they influenced your direction and made it what it is (vet med). If you talk about things you're passionate about, we should be able to feel it. You need to really get into the weeds on this.

"I believe a career in veterinary medicine tests my adaptability, provides challenges, and satisfies my need for variety."

When did you learn this? Did you get it right away? Why did that experience speak to you? What kind of adaptability? What kinds of challenges? It's all way to general right now.

The bit about organic chemistry tutoring begins to approach the level of detail you need to give for something that you mention. If you're not going to give that level of detail for an activity, don't even mention it in your PS. A line item in your experience lists (elsewhere in the app) should cover that experience if you have nothing else to say about it.

"developed an interest in zoo medicine and wildlife preservation ever since a “behind the scenes” field trip to the Hershey Zoo in high school"

What about that trip? What did you see? (In my opinion, it should be something deeper than "unique, cute fuzzy animals." You should be able to explain why you want to be a zoo/wildlife vet rather than a zookeeper. Very different jobs, but you can interact with those species in many other jobs, so why vet?

"One experience involved a 'bison run.'”

What is the bison run? You never say. Why were you doing all those things? What did you learn from doing them? Why does public education play a role? What are you educating the public about? Why does this particular story motivate you/explain you/help the reader care about you?

I really think listing the stuff you've done misses the point of the personal statement. They have all that. Now what they want is a sense of who you are and why you tick. There are some spots where you do more than just list, but you still aren't giving us the what excites/moves you and why you're passionate about vet med. You need to find that. Then shape your essay around it using detailed and specific stories.

 

[VAgirl]

So if I want critiques on my own personal statement.... should I post it here? ...Start a new thread? ...or find a different one?

Either. Fun! 🙂 Let's read personal statements.

 

[laurafinn]

While your PS has some nice points, I would agree with the above posters who said it reads like a resume. I didn't really feel like I got to know you. I know about the things you did, it didn't really let me know who you are. IMHO, some of the best PS I've read have been ones that tell a story, ones that really engage the reader. The poor reader guy is going to read hundreds of statements, so try and tie a unique part of yourself into it.

Lailanni is 100% on target. Strive to show, not tell. Have a read of Strunk and White's Elements of Style, then come back to your essay. That book always gives me a kick in the butt and motivation to ruthlessly edit my stuff.

Also, as much as I think that the french braid metaphor expresses the theme of your essay, I kinda go "Ewww!" at mentions of hair. If you're going to stick with that theme, maybe think about another metaphor, like "many tributaries make a river," or something else that doesn't involve keratin?

Or, ditch the whole essay and give us a jawdropping story. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[david594]

And here it is....

I'm open to any thoughts and comments I can get.

 

[LucyLoo]

And here it is....

I'm open to any thoughts and comments I can get.

Hi David,

I thought it was a smooth read but you might consider adding a little more 'punch' to the begining and the end to help get and keep the readers attention.

Also, I think it would be interesting if you added a narrative or two of things you experieced that support your interest rather than give examples of what the other 2 vets taught you. We all love a good animal story after all. 🙂

 

[VAgirl]

And here it is....

I'm open to any thoughts and comments I can get.

Hey David. I thought it was really good. Nice flow, you have a point and you make it nicely. I think that you do a great job talking about what you learned from the newly graduated vet and why you're mentioning it here. With the older vet, you talk about more of the things you've done/seen with him, but we get less of why you feel that's important to mention. I know you want to mention the cool things you've seen/done to demonstrate experience, but I think it'd be even more powerful if you chose just a few of those experiences with the older vet and explained to us why those experiences were important to you, how they moved you along your journey/confirmed this is right for you/excited you/evoked passion in you, any of those things. Use the factual examples to show us more about who you are.

Also, I think if you can tie your opening back into the end, that would be great. I love to see essays come full circle. It always leaves me with a feeling of satisfaction that the piece got wrapped up in a nice little package. It's almost there, but maybe be more obvious about how in looking forward to the variety of vet med, you're looking forward to something that you know you can make a career of (better wording/your wording).

I also agree with Lucy that it would be great if you could work on punching up the beginning a little. If that's not your style, then that's ok, too. But one of my advisers (who was on an adcom for years and read my PS for me) told me that these adcom members are reading these files at like 10pm, after they've done all of their other duties and are probably more than a little tired. This means two things: 1) Make your points clear and easy to follow (you've done this, I think), and 2) Try to liven things up a bit. An opening line that will pull them in, something that will stand out in their head later on when they've read tons and tons of these.

Oh, and make sure you give it to someone for some basic editing (punctuation, basic grammar, etc.) Mostly great, but another pair of eyes to pick up on that stuff is good.

Great job overall, David. 🙂

 

[bunnyslippers]

Might as well join the party! Would any of you be willing to comment on my personal statement if I pm'd it to you?

 

[VAgirl]

Might as well join the party! Would any of you be willing to comment on my personal statement if I pm'd it to you?

Sure.

 

[eatpinkpenguins]

Hey everyone!

I finished my personal statement a few days ago (thought that day would never come...) and am pasting it into VMCAS. I was just wondering what everyone did to format the paragraphs since the Tabs are lost in the pasting process. I'm a little worried because I'm only 8 characters under the limit...Did everyone just put in a few spaces before each paragraph or are people using more of a letter format with a line in between each paragraph. Thanks and I hope everyone's apps are going well!

 

[chris03333]

It kind of reads like a resume

Exactly my thoughts. Do not list things that are already listed in your application. When you list traits it sounds very generic. Explain, give examples. Try to avoid the "my love for animals" if at all possible....

 

[chris03333]

And here it is....

I'm open to any thoughts and comments I can get.

Be more convinced with your thoughts. Don't say something would be say something is...

Again try not to use the love for animals stuff.

 

[bear90]

The admissions committee can look at your resume to see all the activities you were in, so there's no need to list them all in your personal statement. If I were you, I would take about a few (2-3) stories that show how much you love animals, how much of a hard worker you are, etc . . . and focus on those stories. It's always more fun for the admissions committee people to read stories about your experiences than to hear a list of things you've done.

**Show, don't tell** - That was my biggest and best piece of advice that I got when I was writing my personal statement.

 

[JKIM02]

I am going crazy over my personal statement / explanation essay. Anyone want to read mine too? Im incredibly shy about my crappy writing skills (4.0 on the GRE's woot!👎) so let me know if you want to read.

 

[VAgirl]

I am going crazy over my personal statement / explanation essay. Anyone want to read mine too? Im incredibly shy about my crappy writing skills (4.0 on the GRE's woot!👎) so let me know if you want to read.

I'd be happy to read it. Hopefully I could get to it over the weekend. If you can wait a few days for feedback, feel free to PM it to me. 🙂

Edit: If you can include your email address in the PM, too, then I can email it back to you with comments (in MS word).

 

[thesonofdarwin]

Having applied two years, I took two different approaches to my personal statements. First year what I wrote was more formal, rigidly structured, and professional. It worked, I was accepted to the schools I wanted. But it wasn't me. The second time my essay was much more informal. Not far above the level of having a conversation with a friend about myself. That also worked. I felt better writing in a way that was more comfortable and in the end a more accurate look at what type of person I am. Regardless of what and how you write it, make sure the admission committee gets an unmistakable impression of who you are.

There's more than the personal statement, there's more than grades, there's more than GRE scores, there's more than experience - there's you. Everything else matters to an extent, but schools aren't putting grades in the seats, they aren't sitting your personal statements there either. They want you because of who you are and what you'll bring to the profession. Make sure they know that, both in your PS and interviews. If you had one shot before you died of letting the world know who you were and your aspirations, what would you want them to know? Slightly morbid, but that's the way I went about it.

Use proper grammar, have structure that feels natural, and be yourself. Past that, there is no right or wrong.

 

[LucyLoo]

Having applied two years, I took two different approaches to my personal statements. First year what I wrote was more formal, rigidly structured, and professional. It worked, I was accepted to the schools I wanted. But it wasn't me. The second time my essay was much more informal. Not far above the level of having a conversation with a friend about myself. That also worked. I felt better writing in a way that was more comfortable and in the end a more accurate look at what type of person I am. Regardless of what and how you write it, make sure the admission committee gets an unmistakable impression of who you are.

There's more than the personal statement, there's more than grades, there's more than GRE scores, there's more than experience - there's you. Everything else matters to an extent, but schools aren't putting grades in the seats, they aren't sitting your personal statements there either. They want you because of who you are and what you'll bring to the profession. Make sure they know that, both in your PS and interviews. If you had one shot before you died of letting the world know who you were and your aspirations, what would you want them to know? Slightly morbid, but that's the way I went about it.

Use proper grammar, have structure that feels natural, and be yourself. Past that, there is no right or wrong.

I'd have to say that's as good as I've seen it said so far.

 

[chris03333]

There's more than the personal statement, there's more than grades, there's more than GRE scores, there's more than experience - there's you. Everything else matters to an extent, but schools aren't putting grades in the seats, they aren't sitting your personal statements there either. They want you because of who you are and what you'll bring to the profession. Make sure they know that, both in your PS and interviews. If you had one shot before you died of letting the world know who you were and your aspirations, what would you want them to know? Slightly morbid, but that's the way I went about it.

Use proper grammar, have structure that feels natural, and be yourself. Past that, there is no right or wrong.

That is the best advice I have ever heard.👍

 

[Kat0303]

David594,
I think your statement is really good and shows you've put work into it. But, is it just me or are these sentence fragments?:


"The emotional drain associated with owners’ unwillingness to opt for care. Or the despair that ensues when an owner is willing, but their finances are unable."

I would find a way to structure these sentences differently. I many be wrong about them being fragments, but it just reads a little awkwardly IMO.