thanks all
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Personal Statement - Please read/comment
- Thread starter drust
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1. Do not list every single specialists you observed, replace them with one word: specialists.
2. Replace perusing with pursuing.
2. Replace perusing with pursuing.
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good essay... however, there is room for improvement. My personal opinion is that you are trying to say so much in one essay and right when the reader is wanting to know more about a certain part of you... you then start talking about something else.
i also think you can do better with your closing paragraph... it seems generic. end it in a way so that the reader gets this feeling that you will do whatever it takes to be a dentist. That no matter what, this is your dream and you will be damn good at it.
you have a good foundation... but a few changes could make this a great essay.
Also, i suggest you remove your essay from the public's viewing. I think it's okay to pm it to other posters willing to help... but it's not a good idea to just have it open to everyone. some people have the wrong intentions.
i also think you can do better with your closing paragraph... it seems generic. end it in a way so that the reader gets this feeling that you will do whatever it takes to be a dentist. That no matter what, this is your dream and you will be damn good at it.
you have a good foundation... but a few changes could make this a great essay.
Also, i suggest you remove your essay from the public's viewing. I think it's okay to pm it to other posters willing to help... but it's not a good idea to just have it open to everyone. some people have the wrong intentions.
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6/10
It kinda dragged. Not sure about the connection between what u've done and how they made u an unique applicant.. there seems to be a few jumps thru the essay.. with the logical reasoning and the flow? Like in the first paragraph.. how did that all of a sudden make u feel like u want to do something in a positive way? Essay overall seems like a really really long list of what u've done. The ending.. not so memorable?
It kinda dragged. Not sure about the connection between what u've done and how they made u an unique applicant.. there seems to be a few jumps thru the essay.. with the logical reasoning and the flow? Like in the first paragraph.. how did that all of a sudden make u feel like u want to do something in a positive way? Essay overall seems like a really really long list of what u've done. The ending.. not so memorable?
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Well, lets see...
1) Use contractions in your quote, use "I'm" instead of "I am," if you don't use contractions is makes it sound like a robots is talking and the quote doesn't sound real.
2) as someone else said, don't list every specialty, say something like "general dentists and a variety of dental specialists."
3) Your last paragraph sounds like a listing of your EC section, you really don't need to put down everything you've done, maybe just one or two and relate them to why you want to be a dentist. That paragraph just seemed to drag on a bit.
4) Lastly, and I think the most important part, you're not really conveying why you want to be a dentists. You keep bringing up points, and then you talk about them a little bit, and THEN you kind of say how that original point makes you want to be a dentist, but in reading the entire thing, I can't really sum up why you want to be a dentist other than you don't want to do research for the rest of your life. Focus on this, it's what they're really looking for.
Ironically I had a very similar experience with a bike and I did a face plant and landed teeth first, haha.
1) Use contractions in your quote, use "I'm" instead of "I am," if you don't use contractions is makes it sound like a robots is talking and the quote doesn't sound real.
2) as someone else said, don't list every specialty, say something like "general dentists and a variety of dental specialists."
3) Your last paragraph sounds like a listing of your EC section, you really don't need to put down everything you've done, maybe just one or two and relate them to why you want to be a dentist. That paragraph just seemed to drag on a bit.
4) Lastly, and I think the most important part, you're not really conveying why you want to be a dentists. You keep bringing up points, and then you talk about them a little bit, and THEN you kind of say how that original point makes you want to be a dentist, but in reading the entire thing, I can't really sum up why you want to be a dentist other than you don't want to do research for the rest of your life. Focus on this, it's what they're really looking for.
Ironically I had a very similar experience with a bike and I did a face plant and landed teeth first, haha.
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Contrary to the opinions of other, listing of specialists is a good idea. What is lacking in your ps is a brief discussion of the procedures you witnessed and what, if any, impact those made on you. You may want to re consider your request for public comments on your ps.
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in addition to what the others suggested, there are a lot of grammatical errors in there. take another look.
and also like others said, it's not a good idea to post the ideas you're using to try to get into dental school. you never know who might like to use them too!
and also like others said, it's not a good idea to post the ideas you're using to try to get into dental school. you never know who might like to use them too!
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On the other hand using contractions makes it look like we cannot be bothered to write full words/sentences and would rather resort to texting format.
For the majority of pss it may be more a question of wishful thinking while cruising Ego Lane unless an applicant might be tempted to resort to imaginary brothers/sister and imaginary dental emergencies.
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