Question about Residency and Relationships

[cokonut8]

---

Members don't see this ad.

So I'm about to start my first year of medical school, my boyfriend is currently starting his fourth year of medical school at a different school in the same state. He's interested in a highly competitve field and is doing an away rotation at a program which ranks high in his list of places he would like to match at. The program is about 1hr and 45 minutes away from my school. Recently, the chief resident asked him several questions about his interests and personal life. One question he asked my boyfriend is whether he was in a relationship or not. To this question my boyfriend answered, "No, I am single right now because I am really just trying to focus on my career". When he told me this I was so angry because it felt as though it was so easy for him to disregard our relationship for the better of his career. He told me that he said this because every conversation you have with anyone in the program is basically an interview and that it would make his chances of matching there better. He told me that he was lying for us so that he would have a greater chance of matching where he wants, which ultimately is the program that is closer to me. I just feel that one shouldn't have to lie, especially about a 3 year relationship, just to try and match somewhere. Also, I pointed out to him that they would eventually find out he had been in a long term relationship if he was to match there. His reply was that it doesn't matter because he will have matched there and they won't kick him out for it. I don't know whether he is just feeding me a bunch of B.S or if I am overreacting. Can anyone offer me their input, especially anyone who may know more about residency matching?

 

[dutchman]

Sounds like he is trading a little bit of his integrity there. If he is doing it so you guys can be together, then you have nothing to worry about. If he is simply doing it so he can match, then there is no telling what else he will trade to make that happen; which could be anything from some more of his integrity, to your relationship.

 

[gro2001]

Must admit I am not an expert on matching to residency, but from what I heard it was a bad decision on his part to do what he did, for two reasons:

1) It probably wouldnt have affected his chances of matching no matter what he said regarding his relationship status. In fact if he said he was in a stable relationship of 3 years it probably would have added to his respectability aura.

2) If later on they find out he lied, he won't get kicked out but his reputation will be ruined and that could adversely affect his career.

So its a sleazy, badly thought out decision, but for understandable (maybe even justifiable?) motives. And he was honest with you about it, right?

 

[QuantumMechanic]

2) If later on they find out he lied, he won't get kicked out but his reputation will be ruined and that could adversely affect his career.

It really wouldn't be hard for himself to talk himself out of that lie. All he would have to say was that they temporarily broke up or when on a break or something of that nature. I think most people realize that long-term relationships, esp when the relationship involves students, are often bumpy roads and not always perfectly harmonious.

 

[gro2001]

It really wouldn't be hard for himself to talk himself out of that lie. All he would have to say was that they temporarily broke up or when on a break or something of that nature. I think most people realize that long-term relationships, esp when the relationship involves students, are often bumpy roads and not always perfectly harmonious.

True. Then again, its not like he is in court with presumption of innocence and due process. Reputations get ruined through talk behind one's back, when you dont have much chance to defend yourself.

 

[smq123]

So I'm about to start my first year of medical school, my boyfriend is currently starting his fourth year of medical school at a different school in the same state. He's interested in a highly competitve field and is doing an away rotation at a program which ranks high in his list of places he would like to match at. The program is about 1hr and 45 minutes away from my school. Recently, the chief resident asked him several questions about his interests and personal life. One question he asked my boyfriend is whether he was in a relationship or not. To this question my boyfriend answered, "No, I am single right now because I am really just trying to focus on my career". When he told me this I was so angry because it felt as though it was so easy for him to disregard our relationship for the better of his career. He told me that he said this because every conversation you have with anyone in the program is basically an interview and that it would make his chances of matching there better. He told me that he was lying for us so that he would have a greater chance of matching where he wants, which ultimately is the program that is closer to me. I just feel that one shouldn't have to lie, especially about a 3 year relationship, just to try and match somewhere. Also, I pointed out to him that they would eventually find out he had been in a long term relationship if he was to match there. His reply was that it doesn't matter because he will have matched there and they won't kick him out for it. I don't know whether he is just feeding me a bunch of B.S or if I am overreacting. Can anyone offer me their input, especially anyone who may know more about residency matching?

I'm sorry - it sounds like this really upset you (for good reason). I have never been through the match process, although (from my perspective now as an MS3) - I might say the same thing in his shoes.

Honestly - you're better off PMing someone in the clinical rotations forum/residency forum and asking. The question of how honest you should be in your residency interviews and on the wards as an MS3/4 comes up a lot on those forums. Someone who's actually been through the match might be in a better position to answer.

 

[kobee]

he didn't really lie...to me, not married=single..
however, deliberately omitting the relationship part would upset me too, i say, he's being too careful w/ what to say/what not to say on interviews.

 

[Reimat]

he didn't really lie...to me, not married=single..

I disagree because I wouldn't equate being engaged or in a long-term relationship as single. Or, to think of it another way, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my long-term girlfriend going out to a bar and telling people she was single and I can pretty confidently say the same for her about me.

To me, it just sounds like a dumb move on his part - trying to tell someone what he thinks they want to hear. Along with what others have said, he obviously wants to get into this residency slot bad enough that he'll stretch the truth about his situation a little. Hopefully, your relationship is more important to him, but only you can know that and I'd hope it's more of a dumb move on his part rather than anything more sinister.

 

[smq123]

To me, it just sounds like a dumb move on his part - trying to tell someone what he thinks they want to hear. Along with what others have said, he obviously wants to get into this residency slot bad enough that he'll stretch the truth about his situation a little. Hopefully, your relationship is more important to him, but only you can know that and I'd hope it's more of a dumb move on his part rather than anything more sinister.

Yes, it's a dumb move. It's also a dumb move that (apparently) many 4th years make all the time. When deans have to explicitly spell it out for students that they should NOT tell > 1 program that "This program is my top choice," it makes me think that a lot of 4th years (stupidly) tell PDs what they think that the PD wants to hear.

I don't know whether he is just feeding me a bunch of B.S or if I am overreacting. Can anyone offer me their input, especially anyone who may know more about residency matching?

I think you're getting a little worked up over a trivial thing. Sure, it was a dumb mistake for him to say only what he thought the PD wanted to hear. But it's a dumb mistake that, evidently, a lot of other 4th years make.

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

You should be very upset and, personally, I would consider that writing on the wall for a possible dis-regarding of the relationship in the future. If you ever thought about getting out, might be better now than later.


Lying, espically in medicine, is wrong. What bothers me even more is that we continue to see medical students live the old time thoughts about love, relationships, children, etc are signs of weakness. The only way to change that is for our generation to stop believing it, yet we seem to continue to have people acting badly in this regard.

We do not know you or him and it is wrong of us to judge your relationship... but stand back and really evaluate the future...

 

[stiffany]

Looking at this another way, personally I'd be more worked up if my significant other hadn't told me straight out and I'd found out indirectly after the fact. Instead, I think it's ballsy and shows at least some level of respect to you to even admit lying about your relationship status to you directly after the fact. After all, he didn't have to say a word and you would have (presumably) never known. While it's still crappy to have lied in my non-professional minded (i.e. girly "what a jerk" frame of mind) opinion, I don't think the residency director had the right to ask in the first place and if a relationship can be used against him in the process, I don't see what's wrong with saying "I'm not married" when he isn't. Technically, I thought relationship status was off limits in job interview type discussions (residency and medical school included).

If it really bugs you, talk to him about it openly before your resentment and doubts grow further and then move on together. There's no use festering about what's already been done and it might even lead to a more meaningful discussion about your future together and how he sees things (something that's crucial when starting out a long distance relationship imho!)

 

[brewmeistervi]

Do these guys really want to hear that the kid is single? How big of a deal is it? Do single people do better because they have more time? It's not too far fetched but I think that it's discrimination...

And if this guy doesn't fess up early in his career, how much of a priority will his profession be when he tries to start a family. That doesn't bode well at all.

But honestly, we all say stuff sometimes, and I'm sure if he knew that it was important, he would have been more thoughtful. Maybe this guy screwed up, maybe he is a cold calculating dingus. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but make sure he knows that he is treading in dangerous water.

 

[DReject]

He should be honest. He is in a committed relationship and wants to pursuit a good residency. Definitely can mesh both.