Raising a child with special needs during Residency?

[ari202]

I was talking to a friend today who had to take some time off because his brother (who he is the legal guardian of), had been assessed as having autism spectrum disorder (late diagnosis when he was 12) which was initially just blown off as ADHD. Long story short, he started spending too much time trying to help his brother and subsequently fell behind in his classes and had to take time off so he'll be graduating later on. But as I heard about all the extra work it takes to raise a child with special needs, homework, teacher conferences, therapy sessions etc., it dawned on me that residency will probably not allow for that amount of time.

DH and I are currently in the process of starting our family, and I hope that I, nor anyone else would have to deal with this, but even if we are, I am happy that he is very supportive and would fill in the gap whenever I'm not there.

I am curious though, are there any parents who have gone through residency while taking care of a child with special needs? Has your residency been supportive and accommodating to your needs? I'm sure it varies by specialty and program, but just wanted to get an idea.

Honestly speaking, being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

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[giantswing]

See the maternity leave thread.

 

[kobebeefmd]

x

 

[Trauma Surgeon]

I am both a parent and a resident, and this statement is incorrect.

Being a "good" parent is!

After a career in KyukushinKai (for those of you who are not familiar with this sport, it is according to some the toughest, most rigorous karate there is), surgical residency, obtaining a PhD degree, I can testify that there is nothing harder than being a parent. On the other hand my wife says it is because our kids have got my ADHD genes...

 

[styphon]

Being a parent is "not particularly difficult" if you could do it in a vacuum, but that is not real life. Real life involves careers, personal problems, relationship problems, financial problems... Real life is what makes parenting hard. Lots of people don't have family to watch the kid at a moments notice, or maybe they are a single parent with no partner back up, or maybe their kid is special needs (there is a reason for that name), or maybe the caretaker themselves is battling depression (higher rates of depression for residents and attendings then the general population).

Basically, it will be hard to raise a kid w/ special needs without a dedicated stay at home parent, no matter what the careers are.

 

[Trauma Surgeon]

No. What's hard is being a good parent while balancing it with a career. Being a good parent itself is not particularly difficult; you just have to present. And that's why people think it's hard. Because when you work, you can't be around as much as you want.

That is part of it, and I agree. But remember, you can always call in sick, change job if you are not happy/satisfied, even during the worst calls, where you feel you rather shoot your self than answer another page from the floor, there is an end to it. With kids (if you are carrying parent) there are no ways out! They should always be your top priority...

 

[ari202]

I guess its the guilt one feels for not being there all the time. Its so hard to see your kids classmates have birthday parties, play dates etc. when you know you would love to arrange the same for them, but will go nuts trying to find time to arrange it

 

[Trauma Surgeon]

Our perpetual repeating of this phrase does two things. First, it discourages physicians/med students from having children, because they (rightly) realize that children can't always your "top priority," and so they think they will be bad parents if have children. Second, it causes unnecessary guilt among physicians who already have kids, because it creates the false perception that other people are always making their kids their top priority (which is a lie).

It shouldn't discourage them, but make them prepared for what is ahead. And they should feel guilty, not because they think someone else is a better parent or not, but because they aren't there when their children need/want them!

 

[SplenoMegastar]

Not a resident yet, but am a mom of a kid with a medical condition. It sounds like you don't have kids yet, but maybe your concern is based on an US or amnio - not clear. If not, remember that most kids are born healthy. That said, even healthy kids can be too sick for daycare, so you will need backup and a backup childcare plan for your backup. Easier said than done. When my kid is an inpatient I am there, and that may not be possible during residency, but again YMMV because most kids never get admitted to the hospital.

 

[tigress]

It's incredibly difficult. I'm helping to raise an autistic teenager and another teenager with serious mental health problems, in addition to another stepchild and three bio children (two of whom are 7-year-old twins), and sometimes it feels impossible. Sometimes I would rather stay at work later than come home to the chaos. My husband also travels quite a lot. The amount of energy involved in arranging appropriate education, coordinating multiple doctors/therapists, and dealing with the expected home drama (which, with the aforementioned special needs children, can occasionally involve violence), when I think about it, is just extraordinary. But I think the trick is to not think about it and just live each day as well as I can. I know that I am considered a very good resident, because I give a damn and work hard, but sometimes I wish I didn't have the burden of my family keeping me from being even better. (I am also in a specific field and a specific program in large part because of my family obligations...but I happen to love what I'm doing, thankfully.) Other times I wish I wasn't a resident so I could be more available to my children. When no parent can show up to my first graders' end-of-year program, when I can't take my third grader to visit the building he's doing his architecture project on, etc., it's hard to appreciate how much I love my chosen career.

That said, of course it's possible. Almost anything is possible. I don't ever have time for myself (with the exception of rare occasions when I do random internet browsing to avoid writing a report 😛). And, important to my success, I have NEVER ASKED FOR SPECIAL TREATMENT. I have never asked my program to allow me any leeway because of my situation. My program director is aware of the autistic kid, but I just do my damnedest to get my work done as well as possible. I think the most important thing to remember when you have any kind of children, much less special needs children, is that having them doesn't make you special. Most of us are capable of reproducing.

Anyway maybe that's too much personal information in response to a simple question, but that's my two cents. If, God forbid, you are ever in a position of having to raise a special needs child, you will be able to do it. Believe it.

 

[tigress]

I guess its the guilt one feels for not being there all the time. Its so hard to see your kids classmates have birthday parties, play dates etc. when you know you would love to arrange the same for them, but will go nuts trying to find time to arrange it

Yeah, although I always remind myself that the independence my children are learning due to not having always-available parents will serve them well in life. Also, they have the benefit of having seen their mother work her ass off for the sake of something she loves, while also sacrificing for her family, and realizing that it is possible to do both.

 

[meerkat111]

It is hard to be a good parent and be a medical student/resident. I was raised by a SAHM and I never feel good enough as a parent (esp when my child gets up real early just to see me leave in the AM). I have the most respect for those who quit their careers to stay at home as I know it is not easy.