Reassurance for future dental moms?

[I'mFillingFine]

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So I'll be a dentist in a few years and definitely want kids. This thread is not related to the question of whether women should work part-time or full time. What I'm concerned about is this: I've heard of many women taking several years off after delivery or never going back to practice.

I absolutely believe in the importance of motherhood and child-rearing. I suppose I'm just worried that I'll be working SOOO hard to get my degree and into practice, and may stop completely within a few years if my priorities change.

If I really DON'T want to stop practice, can someone reassure me that it's possible to take a few months off, and then keeping going (whether part-time or full-time) and have a satisfying multi-decade career? I couldn't dream of just using my degree for a few years and never looking back....as much as motherhood is important to me.

Can I hear from some dentist moms who took shortish maternity leaves and never stopped practicing? Not saying I'm just going to "hand them off" to a sitter in ANY way....a few days a week would be fine for practicing. I just want to make sure women don't default to taking lots of time off or ceasing all together.

Also, what about solo women practice owners who have kids? There's an old thread about this, but most of the responses were about xrays. Will you lose all your patients during a 4-month maternity leave, can you hire a sub, or are group practices the only feasible options for women?

Thanks in advance for your input!

 

[aphistis]

So I'll be a dentist in a few years and definitely want kids. This thread is not related to the question of whether women should work part-time or full time. What I'm concerned about is this: I've heard of many women taking several years off after delivery or never going back to practice.

I absolutely believe in the importance of motherhood and child-rearing. I suppose I'm just worried that I'll be working SOOO hard to get my degree and into practice, and may stop completely within a few years if my priorities change.

If I really DON'T want to stop practice, can someone reassure me that it's possible to take a few months off, and then keeping going (whether part-time or full-time) and have a satisfying multi-decade career? I couldn't dream of just using my degree for a few years and never looking back....as much as motherhood is important to me.

Can I hear from some dentist moms who took shortish maternity leaves and never stopped practicing? Not saying I'm just going to "hand them off" to a sitter in ANY way....a few days a week would be fine for practicing. I just want to make sure women don't default to taking lots of time off or ceasing all together.

Also, what about solo women practice owners who have kids? There's an old thread about this, but most of the responses were about xrays. Will you lose all your patients during a 4-month maternity leave, can you hire a sub, or are group practices the only feasible options for women?

Thanks in advance for your input!

I don't know anything about maternity leave, but one of the practices I spent some time at had a really nice setup for a pair of dentists wanting to have patient-friendly office hours while working part-time individually. The office was open 7-7 Monday through Thursday, and the doctors traded days. Two 12-hour shifts a week ain't too bad a work schedule as long as you don't mind taking the hit in pay.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

bump? 😕

 

[TKD]

So I'll be a dentist in a few years and definitely want kids. This thread is not related to the question of whether women should work part-time or full time. What I'm concerned about is this: I've heard of many women taking several years off after delivery or never going back to practice.

I absolutely believe in the importance of motherhood and child-rearing. I suppose I'm just worried that I'll be working SOOO hard to get my degree and into practice, and may stop completely within a few years if my priorities change.

If I really DON'T want to stop practice, can someone reassure me that it's possible to take a few months off, and then keeping going (whether part-time or full-time) and have a satisfying multi-decade career? I couldn't dream of just using my degree for a few years and never looking back....as much as motherhood is important to me.

Can I hear from some dentist moms who took shortish maternity leaves and never stopped practicing? Not saying I'm just going to "hand them off" to a sitter in ANY way....a few days a week would be fine for practicing. I just want to make sure women don't default to taking lots of time off or ceasing all together.

Also, what about solo women practice owners who have kids? There's an old thread about this, but most of the responses were about xrays. Will you lose all your patients during a 4-month maternity leave, can you hire a sub, or are group practices the only feasible options for women?

Thanks in advance for your input!

Good post. I know someone in my town who worked well into the 8th month, then took 3 weeks off and went back to work w/out skipping a beat. From 2nd trimester to about 5 months post-partum she did 3 day weeks. Mind you, this is small practice (2 op) in a rural area. She told me that she was able to pull it off, but may not be able to do it for future kids (would want more time off - it's one thing being preggo, and another thing being preggo w/ a 2 yr old child!). I believe she said she will look to hire an associate 1.5 days/week who will go 4 days/week she she's pregnant. She was against hiring a sub or temp and I can see her point of view there. My dentist in college went on maternity leave one summer and it was pretty seamless b/c there was another dentist there. And they planned it in such a way that the other dentist mostly did the minor restorative and recalls while my dentist was on maternity leave. Now (8 yrs later), she's still working, per her desire to work. She sets up her hours, avg's about 3 days / week and I would think the flexibility is great for her. I would seek out female solo practitioners and ask them. My opinion is it CAN be done, but it's a heck of a lot easier to do it with an associate. And an associate doesn't mean a group practice. You will be the owner, and the associate will be a part-timer.

 

[Sommy]

I am not sure that you will need/want 3 months off work. If you have a healthy pregnancy and stay in shape, it is possible to do whatever you want about one day after giving birth (save the obvious that I know some guys will imediately think of here). There are many jobs much more demanding than being a dentist as far as hours go that moms keep and do well at, so I would not worry one bit!

 

[Squished Rat]

Frankly, I don't know why you would ask anyone on the internet for reassurance. If you want to do something, do it. Many will say it can't be done, some will say it can...it doesn't matter. It's up to you whether or not you want to make it happen.

I do think it is funny that you are worried that you may change your mind to stay home. You are the one who decides if you change your mind.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

Frankly, I don't know why you would ask anyone on the internet for reassurance. If you want to do something, do it. Many will say it can't be done, some will say it can...it doesn't matter. It's up to you whether or not you want to make it happen.

I do think it is funny that you are worried that you may change your mind to stay home. You are the one who decides if you change your mind.

Aah, but I'm not worried about doing something against my will...I'm quite an opinionated one. 😉 I was so surprised to hear of this happening from a lot of people who never intended it, so I'm asking what has changed in their lives, or what I might expect to change in my own from those who have experience. Since I don't claim to know what it's like to be in practice OR be a mom, I figured that it'd be interesting to hear some stories.

Also, I'm asking those who have done it what forms of planning they have done to make it happen, since many women will indeed work for a solid, long career after having children.

If someone wasn't planning on hiring an associate, is coverage during maternity leave a good reason to do so, or can you really just keep on truckin'?

 

[Catfish]

I'mFillingFine, I think I know what you feel. I know now my girl friends and I are so "sure" and say we'll never quit our jobs or take long period of breaks for whatever reason. But wait till babies are coming, I'm afraid we might have to change our early decisions. What if one side is your baby, other side is your career? That's gonna be a tough choice to make, and not everyone can handle both of them well at the same time (sorry, that's the reality.) But I'll never want to waste the degree and all the training I've been working so hard and so long for🙂

So I'll be a dentist in a few years and definitely want kids. This thread is not related to the question of whether women should work part-time or full time. What I'm concerned about is this: I've heard of many women taking several years off after delivery or never going back to practice.

I absolutely believe in the importance of motherhood and child-rearing. I suppose I'm just worried that I'll be working SOOO hard to get my degree and into practice, and may stop completely within a few years if my priorities change.

If I really DON'T want to stop practice, can someone reassure me that it's possible to take a few months off, and then keeping going (whether part-time or full-time) and have a satisfying multi-decade career? I couldn't dream of just using my degree for a few years and never looking back....as much as motherhood is important to me.

Can I hear from some dentist moms who took shortish maternity leaves and never stopped practicing? Not saying I'm just going to "hand them off" to a sitter in ANY way....a few days a week would be fine for practicing. I just want to make sure women don't default to taking lots of time off or ceasing all together.

Also, what about solo women practice owners who have kids? There's an old thread about this, but most of the responses were about xrays. Will you lose all your patients during a 4-month maternity leave, can you hire a sub, or are group practices the only feasible options for women?

Thanks in advance for your input!

 

[MsPurtell]

I'm a Mom to one and one on the way (via adoption). We adopted my first daughter when I was in my final year of dental school. For me, the rewards of parenting were so wonderful, I was able to swing being a mother and student at the same time. I'm very fortunate to have a husband who really is a full partner when it comes to childcare.

I'm a resident now, and things are going just fine. I'm trying to decide whether or not to specialize or jump into a practice at this point, but either way I'll swing it. I don't think I'll need any time off. My daughter is a very adaptable kid and she loves daycare, so that has really worked in our favor.

The one thing I think I would not do is to go into a practice where I'm solo. It's rare that I need a day off to take my daughter to the doctor (it's happened once this year) but it would be nice to have someone to hold the fort down at the office while I need to be away.

I think it really depends on your personality, your child's disposition and the support system you have around you. I am lucky to really have an ideal situation.

 

[Lesley]

So I'll be a dentist in a few years and definitely want kids. This thread is not related to the question of whether women should work part-time or full time. What I'm concerned about is this: I've heard of many women taking several years off after delivery or never going back to practice.

I absolutely believe in the importance of motherhood and child-rearing. I suppose I'm just worried that I'll be working SOOO hard to get my degree and into practice, and may stop completely within a few years if my priorities change.

If I really DON'T want to stop practice, can someone reassure me that it's possible to take a few months off, and then keeping going (whether part-time or full-time) and have a satisfying multi-decade career? I couldn't dream of just using my degree for a few years and never looking back....as much as motherhood is important to me.

Can I hear from some dentist moms who took shortish maternity leaves and never stopped practicing? Not saying I'm just going to "hand them off" to a sitter in ANY way....a few days a week would be fine for practicing. I just want to make sure women don't default to taking lots of time off or ceasing all together.

Also, what about solo women practice owners who have kids? There's an old thread about this, but most of the responses were about xrays. Will you lose all your patients during a 4-month maternity leave, can you hire a sub, or are group practices the only feasible options for women?

Thanks in advance for your input!

You can do anything that you set your mind to. If you have the fortunate, financial circumstance that allows you to take some time off after having children, somehow, someway dentistry will still be there waiting for you. Consider yourself lucky!

I had my children at ages 28 and 31. They are now 19 and 22. I had my first son while I was in the Navy. I had a c-section because he was breech. At the time, the Navy only gave 4 weeks off after a c-section. It was 6 weeks, but they changed it to 4 weeks shortly before I gave birth, I think it's back to 6 weeks now. The rules do change. I worked the day I delivered him. The day he was born, I went to the base at 6:30 am and worked until 11:45 am. I had just been put on half days the day before as it was two weeks before my due date/scheduled c-section. I drove myself to the Navy hospital by 1:30pm. My contractions weren't that strong, or so I thought, but I knew something was up or down! He was delivered by 3:00pm. Luckily, my husband made it to the birth. It was a busy day.

Because I had to be at the base by 6:30 am, I hired a nanny to come to the house to take care of my son. I was careful to save up all my leave time during my first two years in the Navy, almost no days off, so that I could put them to good use after the baby. We planned him. I had a commanding officer who accomodated me. I was lucky. We had just purchased our practice two weeks before he was born, so my husband was busy transitioning into the practice. He was very busy and was not able to reduce his hours after our oldest was born. If anything, his hours increased. After I left the military, I started working at our office too. We put in a lot of long hours.

My second son was born almost 3 years later. I was firm, I wanted 12 weeks off. Not so much for me, but more because I wanted a smooth transition for our oldest. He wasn't quite yet three and had been in some sort of child care arrangement with a nanny during his first year and then full time day care after that. So, I took off a month before my youngest was born and two months after. We had the nanny back for the youngest until he was almost 5 months old and then they both went to day care.

We were able to make it work. My husband and I staggered our office hours and were able to pick up the boys by 6pm. Sometimes they were the last two left there, but I was glad they had each other.

The thing I am especially glad about is that I had children relatively young. Raising children is a long process. While the physical demands seem to decrease as they get older, the emotional and financial demands get larger. Their education was very important to us. So, kindergarden through high school we, I especially, took an active role. Our older son had some medical concerns that required daily injections and many doctors visits from ages 4 - 17, but aside from that they were both pretty healthy.

I am very fortunate. I feel a very young 50. Both my husband and I feel we had our children at the right time for us. Had we all not made the sacrifices we did when they were young, we would not be able to afford college for them now. The kids understand and appreciate this. When children know that they are loved and well cared for, they are very, very resilient. They are both in excellent colleges and programs that they chose. I will have been doing dentistry for 25 years as of May and have been married for over 25 as well. If you had asked me if this would have been my story when I was starting dental school, I would have doubted you. I really expected to take more than a total of 16 weeks maternity leave. That was just not in the cards. But, if you would have asked me if I thought I would be as lucky as I have been, I could have only hoped. Having children/working/and getting an education is a very personal thing. Life is what you make it. Good luck.

 

[sjdent]

I don't see what the big deal is in taking a few months off after and even before the birth. I mean, it's not as if you're going to forget everything you've ever learned about dentistry in that time frame.

Let's say you're new to dentistry (0-3 years outta school). You're most likely going to be associating or in a group practice anyway, and then it will be easy to take time off - especially these days with more and more employers being sympathetic to working moms. I have never heard of any of my girlfriends feeling pressured to come back to work after baby. OK, but maybe you're super-ambitious and already own your own practice. No problem here either - hire a temp to come in. So it's not ideal - but your advertise this to your patients that you WILL be back, you CARE about them, and I guarantee they'll understand.

I'm not a mom YET, but definitely plan on being one in the next 3-4 years. It's funny, but for ME personally, I'm getting less career-oriented as I get older and will probably only work 1-2 days a week when I have kids.

However, I'm not a big fan of dentistry and desperately wish I'd done something else...in fact I'm looking into going back to school. I'm crazy. So maybe I'm not the best person to ask. 😉

 

[Lesley]

I don't see what the big deal is in taking a few months off after and even before the birth. I mean, it's not as if you're going to forget everything you've ever learned about dentistry in that time frame.

Let's say you're new to dentistry (0-3 years outta school). You're most likely going to be associating or in a group practice anyway, and then it will be easy to take time off - especially these days with more and more employers being sympathetic to working moms. I have never heard of any of my girlfriends feeling pressured to come back to work after baby. OK, but maybe you're super-ambitious and already own your own practice. No problem here either - hire a temp to come in. So it's not ideal - but your advertise this to your patients that you WILL be back, you CARE about them, and I guarantee they'll understand.

I'm not a mom YET, but definitely plan on being one in the next 3-4 years. It's funny, but for ME personally, I'm getting less career-oriented as I get older and will probably only work 1-2 days a week when I have kids.

However, I'm not a big fan of dentistry and desperately wish I'd done something else...in fact I'm looking into going back to school. I'm crazy. So maybe I'm not the best person to ask. 😉

There is a solution to every problem. If you want to take time off before or after having children, it is possible. No doubt, raising children is a very important career path. I don't think you are alone in feeling that the career you thought was initially for you, is now not.

However, for some of the girls out there borrowing $100,000, not too bad, $200,000 or even $300,000+ not working for any extended period of time may prove to be difficult, unless they marry a rich, generous guy willing to pay off their school loans! That's the hitch with any expensive, professional schooling.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Do not worry about what anybody thinks about your choices. You are the only one going to live with them. Yours is the only opinion that counts. Best wishes.

 

[DrJeff]

Here's how it went in my family (my wife's an orthodontist in a 3 orthodontist, 2 office practice) for the birth of our 2 kids.

Pre children, my wife's schedule was practicing 3 days a week. With both of our kids (cuurently an almost 3 year old and an almost 1 year old), my wife worked essentially upto her due date(uncomplicated pregnancy both times👍 )

Both times, she took a 6 week maternity leave, then started back 1 day a week for the 1st week back, 2 days the 2nd week back and then back to her full time of 3 days a week in week 4 of her return to work. Realistically asking her about it now, she says that she could have/almost wanted to return to work at the 3 to 4 week mark, and if just for the extended time of adult conversation really enjoyed going back to work. For my wife, as she puts it, a 3 day work week gives her just the right balance between "mommy time" and "adult time" where the time away from both work and the kids makes her appreciate each of them more.

As for the childcare situation for my kids, my oldest is in daycare/pre-school 5 days a week (where it's located is about a 3 minute drive from my office so I do the drop off/pick up and often stop in and see what she's doing during my lunch hour. For my youngest on the days when my wife works (and often on one of her days off), we have a babysitter(almost Nanny type) come to our house and watch him (as well as do basic household chores such as cleaning/laundry and some meal prep work). It's not cheap (we spend a little over $25,000 a year on childcare) but my wife and I are 100% satisfied with the care situation of our kids, and the dental income factor does make it easier financially to do things like this.

My wife and I know of many of our female d-school classmates that have done the balancing of kids and practice, and most(roughly 2/3rds) have returned after having children to their pre-children work schedule, a lesser number have returned working a day or 2 less a week, and only 1 that we can think of stopped practicing after having kids (or atleast hasn't practiced for the last 4 years now)

 

[I'mFillingFine]

Thanks so much to everyone for your thorough replies. Glad to hear so many women are returning!! I absolutely know it's my decision, but I wanted to hear what factors are included as you become a parent for the first time.

I can see myself going back soon after, though for fewer than 5 days a week and willing to hire assistance with childcare/house help/etc. I'm stubborn in some ways, but not when offered help! 😀

it seems like a factor involved in not going back after kids may be a combination of having a dentist husband (who can take over the practice and not allow income to drop) or perhaps having second thoughts about the career in the first place. I'm just glad that the main reason isn't because you just don't have the time or energy to go back. Bring it on! 👍

What a great profession.

*thinking of an enticing argument to get boyfriend used to the idea of staying home 3 days a week 😳 *

 

[eric275]

*thinking of an enticing argument to get boyfriend used to the idea of staying home 3 days a week 😳 *

While you may be able to think of a good reason to get your spouse to stay home 3 days a week, unless they are self employed they may not have the option of having a flexible schedule. Few professions enjoy the flexibility in work schedules that dentists do. Just food for thought.

 

[toofache32]

I'mFillingFine, I think I know what you feel. I know now my girl friends and I are so "sure" and say we'll never quit our jobs or take long period of breaks for whatever reason. But wait till babies are coming, I'm afraid we might have to change our early decisions. What if one side is your baby, other side is your career? That's gonna be a tough choice to make, and not everyone can handle both of them well at the same time (sorry, that's the reality.) But I'll never want to waste the degree and all the training I've been working so hard and so long for🙂

Of course you can do whatever you want to, but I think women are kidding themselves when they think they can "do it all." It's always a compromise on both fronts when you combine kids with career. Children are a full-time job. If you're at work, then you have to hire someone to "play mommy."

 

[johntara04]

Of course you can do whatever you want to, but I think women are kidding themselves when they think they can "do it all." It's always a compromise on both fronts when you combine kids with career. Children are a full-time job. If you're at work, then you have to hire someone to "play mommy."

Good post.

 

[Sommy]

Good post.

!!!????

 

[BlueToothHunter]

I agree with Toofache.... at least in the early years of your child, being a part-time mommy will always be hard on you and your child...

 

[I'mFillingFine]

I don't think of it a being a parent part-time! You are a parent for everyone moment of your life once you have children. You are simply WORKING part time and retaining your career, adulthood, and life goals while raising a successful family.

Some parents don't feel that they are being the best parents they can if they accept help such as childcare or housecleaners. Similarly, some women don't wish to use any painkillers or narcotics during birth because they feel that the natural process is removed. Those are legitimate beliefs, but I lie somewhere in between there and the "career moms" whose kids are in daycare for 16 hours a day.

For me, I feel that it would be healthy and successful to work a few days a week and to return soon enough after maternity leave to retain a solo practice if I choose to buy one. If my husband is able to stay home on the days that I work, that'll be great. If not, I would feel okay with childcare for those few hours. Thankfully, if I still work I should be able to afford a good nanny or daycare and have more options.

I would not be hiring someone to "play mommy"...it'd be a few hours a week of assistance while I remain in my career and support my children. There's no reason why both parents cannot work and parent, as long as they are willing to accept help and know when something gets to be too much.

 

[toofache32]

I don't think of it a being a parent part-time! You are a parent for everyone moment of your life once you have children.

I think you missed my point. I'm not talking about the biological side of things you're referring to. I'm talking about actual "parenting" which is being there for your kids, raising them, teaching them, sculpting them, and being there for them. If you're at work, how do you hug your child after he falls down and scrapes his knees?

Thankfully, if I still work I should be able to afford a good nanny or daycare and have more options.

My point is that (given a choice) this is an inferior method of raising children, in my opinion. No matter how "good" your nanny is or how much you pay her, a rental mom can't do the job as good as a real mom.

I would not be hiring someone to "play mommy"...it'd be a few hours a week of assistance while I remain in my career and support my children.

I really don't see the difference here.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

I just don't see how 12 hours out of a week makes you a poor parent, when you have the other 156 hours to be an amazing one.

Also, I am thankful that I live in the time and environment where I will be able to have a satisfying career and a satisfying family life. I think it is an unnecessary sacrifice to never pursue a career or education because one has to be home every moment. I don't think it is fair to the parent, and I truly don't believe that the children will suffer. I am happy to introduce a toddler into a social environment (or at least varied adult interaction if it is a one-child nanny)...they will be in school all day very soon, where they will be around many people.

It's not like you aren't parenting from age 5 onward, though you'll be away from them for 6 hours a day. Why is 3 or 4 hours a day as a youngster a complete subtraction from all parental love and education?

Few men are sacrificing everything and never going back to work; why must I as a woman?

I do want to make it clear that I am far from taking it to the opposite side of things...I cringe at the thought of all-day daycare until the child is in school and "out of the way." My child will not think that the nanny is its mother, or call me by my first name because I'm an unrecognizable being. It will be surrounded by its parents and occassionally, well-trusted relatives and other adults. To me, an ideal situation.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

Are you really saying that you can never be a good mother and a dentist?

 

[toofache32]

I just don't see how 12 hours out of a week makes you a poor parent....

You're right. 12 hours a week doesn't seem like much, but I've never seen it work out that way.

Few men are sacrificing everything and never going back to work; why must I as a woman?

Again, this is just my bias. For young children (before school age) the mom has the most important job, even more important than the dad. There is just no replacement for a mommy, even though we dads try. For some reason, many women have forgotten that the job they perform as a mother is the most important job in the world. It's way more important than the jobs we have as dentists and whatever else. Some females even take offense at the suggestion that they should fill this role, when it should be a compliment that we men can't do the job as well. I think many females lose perspective of this in their attempts to be "modern, independent" and so forth.

 

[gryffindor]

Again, this is just my bias. For young children (before school age) the mom has the most important job, even more important than the dad. There is just no replacement for a mommy, even though we dads try. For some reason, many women have forgotten that the job they perform as a mother is the most important job in the world. It's way more important than the jobs we have as dentists and whatever else. Some females even take offense at the suggestion that they should fill this role, when it should be a compliment that we men can't do the job as well. I think many females lose perspective of this in their attempts to be "modern, independent" and so forth.

I'll preface this with the fact that I don't have kids. Even if dads can't do the job at the same level that moms can, what about when the mom has the potential to way outearn the dad as could happen with a dentist mom? I can't see myself being around 24/7 when I can outearn my spouse by a huge factor and bring in the income which would support a better lifestyle & future for our children. We'll just have to teach dad how to function with kids for those hours when I can't be there. Families may be built on love, but it still takes money to raise kids.

 

[toofache32]

I'll preface this with the fact that I don't have kids. Even if dads can't do the job at the same level that moms can, what about when the mom has the potential to way outearn the dad as could happen with a dentist mom? I can't see myself being around 24/7 when I can outearn my spouse by a huge factor and bring in the income which would support a better lifestyle & future for our children. We'll just have to teach dad how to function with kids for those hours when I can't be there. Families may be built on love, but it still takes money to raise kids.

This is true and happens all the time. Don't get me wrong....I'm not saying this won't work. I'm just saying it's farther from ideal (as opposed to mom raising the kids). Parents often don't even have a choice. The ones that bother me are those that do have a choice.

 

[johntara04]

You're right. 12 hours a week doesn't seem like much, but I've never seen it work out that way.



Again, this is just my bias. For young children (before school age) the mom has the most important job, even more important than the dad. There is just no replacement for a mommy, even though we dads try. For some reason, many women have forgotten that the job they perform as a mother is the most important job in the world. It's way more important than the jobs we have as dentists and whatever else. Some females even take offense at the suggestion that they should fill this role, when it should be a compliment that we men can't do the job as well. I think many females lose perspective of this in their attempts to be "modern, independent" and so forth.

Again, good post. Couldn't of said it better myself.

 

[futrdentist]

Again, good post. Couldn't of said it better myself.

Are you both Mormon dental students? I think those are the only types of men who would make such statements. Of course it's perfectly acceptable for mothers to not be around every single moment of their child's development. A family member to provide care would be ideal, but if you can't have that, day care or other methods are not the end of the world. If anyone has read Freakonomics, there have been studies about whether or not it makes a difference if the mother is there in raising the children 24/7 and in fact it does not. Additionally, I think that being home all the time and not having a career does not give your female children anything to aspire to better than being a "mommy." If that's the kind of thing you want your children to aspire to, then it's fine. But I think as a female dental student, you most likely have higher aspirations for your own daughters.

 

[wigglytooth]

Of course it's perfectly acceptable for mothers to not be around every single moment of their child's development. A family member to provide care would be ideal, but if you can't have that, day care or other methods are not the end of the world.

From a child development point of view, as long as the parenting and support systems for the child are consistent (the "rules" the child learns in daycare are reinforced at the home and vice versa) and positive, then there should be no problem.

 

[toofache32]

Are you both Mormon dental students?

Nope. Far from it.

Of course it's perfectly acceptable for mothers to not be around every single moment of their child's development. A family member to provide care would be ideal, but if you can't have that, day care or other methods are not the end of the world.

This is exactly what I said in my last post.

Additionally, I think that being home all the time and not having a career does not give your female children anything to aspire to better than being a "mommy." If that's the kind of thing you want your children to aspire to, then it's fine. But I think as a female dental student, you most likely have higher aspirations for your own daughters.

Higher aspirations should be doing one full-time job really well instead of doing 2 part-time jobs half-a$$ed.

I mentioned earlier that many women these days look down on being "only" a mom. I have never understood how or why women have turned this into such a negative thing. Why? This is the most important job in the world. "Modern" women take shame in being a mom for some reason. Notice I haven't said anything about women being being barefoot and staying in the kitchen. Liberal girls always turn this argument into a 1950s thing.

I work 80-100 hours each week at my hospital.....and when I am home my pager still goes off. But my job isn't nearly as difficult as my wife's job. And hers is much more important than mine. I am much more tired after 4 hours alone with the kids than I am after working 35-40 hours straight while at the hospital. I don't know how she keeps her sanity.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

Higher aspirations should be doing one full-time job really well instead of doing 2 part-time jobs half-a$$ed.

I know that you are not saying women cannot be dentists, and are trying to highlight the importance of good parenting.

However, I still cannot get past your belief that you cannot be a good mother and a good dentist.

I don't think we'll get anywhere, since we know quite well where the other stands and there's no real budging.

However, for proof I will simply look onto the thousands of amazing dentist mothers who provide loving, educational, safe, and balanced environments for their children. The children who grow up knowing that strong men and women are able to pursue their fascinations and enrich their lives with career and family.

I see a lot more proof that dentists can be mothers than that a few hours learning how to deal with other adults and children makes one ounce of difference.

 

[toofache32]

I have to admit my bias is that my older sister lives in NYC and has 4 boys under the age of 7. She works full-time and has 2 nannies. This is the culture she lives in and that's how all her friends do it. One of her friends was a character in "The Nanny Diaries" if anyone has read it. They came to visit a few weeks ago. Her oldest son (7) was telling me that he only sees his mom at night and that he has to misbehave to get her attention. The nannies change all diapers, drive them to soccer practice, etc. and I've seen the youngest run past mom to get to the nanny when he fell down and hurt his arm. And these kids are all rotten punks.

I see similar scenarios with some of my friends with nannies. Just my observation, I don't have any science behind this.

 

[Smilemaker100]

I'm a woman and I COMPLETELY agree with everything toofache32 has posted in this thread. I was raised by a stay-at-home mom and boy, do I love her a lot ! She's my best friend and knows me better than anyone ever will. She had to give up a lot in order to be a full time mom to 3 kids. You really get to appreciate your parents later on in life. I wasn't an easy one to raise either!

Kids grow up so fast. By the time you have made loads of money, your kids will be all grown up, out of the nest, leading lives of their own and pretty much won't have time for mom and dad anymore. You can't buy back the times you missed when your kids were young and you weren't around to hear their first words, watch their first steps and everything else...at least my mom can tell me everything in detail because she was there. I had someone to come home to when I came back from school - someone who was waiting home for me with a home cooked meal, had time to listen to me and console me. In this troubled world, kids need someone who has time for them, especially when they hit those teen years. If every mom was like mine- selfless, compassionate and patient- this world would be a better place.

I am completely focused on my career at the moment but IF I ever do have kids, I know where my priorities will lie and will make changes accordingly in regards to my career path. You can't have it all at the same time - one aspect of your life will suffer down the road and I rather be less professionally ambitious than be a lousy mother. If you are in dire need of the money because you are a single mother or a widow or other unfortunate circumstances , that's another story.

Some people produce babies as if they were "objects". They have them for the sake of having them but don't want to deal with the responsibility of actually raising them themselves. Some pet owners are like that too. They adopt pets and then dispose of them when they misbehave or when they find caring for them interferes with their lifestyle. It's pretty sad that most people don't give careful thought about childrearing prior to having their children - that explains the terrible state of the world we live in.

I can go on and on in regards to this issue, but at the risk of offending some people here, I will digress.

 

[I'mFillingFine]

I don't feel that you have read my posts carefully. I completely agree that a Nanny Diaries way of life is horrific and I would NEVER work full time with a nanny at home from 9-5.

I'm talking about maybe 12 hours a week. That's not 40.....it's 12. If my future husband has flexible hours, it may mean that we can both work 20 hours each and NEVER have to hire someone and still be home plenty.

Tell me how 12 hours of a sitter is equivalent to your children not running to you when they're injured....? Tell me how it would make it worth wasting 4 years of dental school?