Residency in hometown vs new place

[golddog21]

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Struggling with the decision of whether or not to rank my home program (med school and hometown) above others. I do love being near my family, but part of me feels like this is my only opportunity to try somewhere new, which could be good for me. My significant other would rather stay in the area but is supportive of whatever I choose. The home program is a strong program, so my decision is primarily based on change of pace/personal growth vs familiarity and family support.

Curious to hear from those who were in similar boat and how they feel about their decision in hindsight.

 

[GoSpursGo]

Need a little more info. How committed are you to SO? What specific benefits does family support help you with (ie, small kids)?

 

[DarkBluMage]

Moving away is overrated in my opinion. What personal growth are you looking for that you think you can’t do in your hometown?

 

[Rapsidy]

You can go anywhere you want and practice anywhere you want once you finish residency. Don’t make your SO uproot themselves and move away from your family which I imagine is a source of support for you.

Just my opinion, but no need to put extra stress on your relationships while also going through the stress of residency.

 

[golddog21]

Moving away is overrated in my opinion. What personal growth are you looking for that you think you can’t do in your hometown?

That’s a good question… tbh I don’t know. I just hear some people talk about going away being the best thing they ever did, if for nothing more than a new experience. Obv there is a lot of context to that (what’s their relationship with their family, etc). I guess personal growth is not the best description tho.

 

[golddog21]

You can go anywhere you want and practice anywhere you want once you finish residency. Don’t make your SO uproot themselves and move away from your family which I imagine is a source of support for you.

Just my opinion, but no need to put extra stress on your relationships while also going through the stress of residency.

Thanks, appreciate your thoughts on this

 

[golddog21]

Need a little more info. How committed are you to SO? What specific benefits does family support help you with (ie, small kids)?

Yeah, for sure…. Long term girlfriend, live together, ideally start a family at some point in residency… family would def be helpful if that were to happen, but right now it is mostly that I just enjoy spending time with them. They are really supportive of whatever direction I go with this, tho.

 

[GoSpursGo]

Yeah, for sure…. Long term girlfriend, live together, ideally start a family at some point in residency… family would def be helpful if that were to happen, but right now it is mostly that I just enjoy spending time with them. They are really supportive of whatever direction I go with this, tho.

As a parent, I cannot stress how helpful having family support with small kids is during training. Yes daycare exists, but particularly in the first 6-12mo kids will be constantly sick and you cannot just call out 2-4 times a month (literally) because your kid is sick. You always need a backup plan, and if the backup plan is NOT "a member of my family is going to watch my sick kid" then you sort of need a backup to the backup plan. This was no joke probably the single greatest stress that my wife and I had when we started our family during my fellowship.

So this is where you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend--first of all, how committed are you two? Are you getting married, or if you're not the kind of couple that "believes" in marriage then have you talked about long-term goals and specific timelines for achieving those goals together? If you really do want to start a family during residency, is the childcare backup plan that your girlfriend is going to watch the sick kid? If so, is that feasible with her own life and career goals? And would she have an expectation that you would "pay her back" down the road when you finish training by doing something to support her?

While personal growth is a worthy and important goal, when you're in a committed relationship you really have to consider how your choices will impact your partner and potential family. Not saying you should or shouldn't go, but I would not just take "I support your decision" at face value. I'd really try to visualize what your lives together would look like either if you stay vs if you go.

 

[JoaoMoutinho]

I moved across the country for undergrad and was very glad I did it.

I got married before med school living in an area with lots of extended family on both sides. Moved across the country again for gap years and stayed in that region for med school. Was one of the best decisions we ever made.

I love my family a lot and have great relationships with them, but for me in my situation I felt that I was able to grow a lot more with some space. This was especially true when I was married–my spouse and I were able to really just do our own thing and develop our relationship without the burden of family expectations. With family/extended family around, it was always stressful balancing our own lives with what each family expected, and moving far away meant that we saw them on our terms. Our relationship flourished and we really felt like we were able to establish ourselves as "us" in our own way.

A few things to keep in mind:

1) my spouse had a good income, which greatly facilitates traveling back to see family

2) both of our families are willing to travel to see us. I've known a few people who moved far away only for their family to never visit because "you're the one who left", or in one particular case it seemed to be "out of sight, out of mind" (which was really sad). That will very much depend on you.

3) my spouse and I both made solid career moves, so no room for resentment etc.

4) we went far away with the expectation that we would know nobody and that we would need time to adjust, make friends, and explore. Going in with that attitude, we had a ton of fun making new friends (also much easier to make "couple friends" when you're both new) and exploring a new part of the country.

3 and 4 also meant that once med school got super busy, spouse wasn't sitting at home twiddling thumbs after 5pm every day (and on weekends).

I had great experiences moving far away multiple times. But it's definitely not for everyone–it can be really challenging. There's absolutely nothing wrong with staying in the area you know and love, and where you have strong support. For many people that's probably the best option. This is a tough road, and you'll need all the help you can get.

 

[JoaoMoutinho]

As a parent, I cannot stress how helpful having family support with small kids is during training. Yes daycare exists, but particularly in the first 6-12mo kids will be constantly sick and you cannot just call out 2-4 times a month (literally) because your kid is sick. You always need a backup plan, and if the backup plan is NOT "a member of my family is going to watch my sick kid" then you sort of need a backup to the backup plan. This was no joke probably the single greatest stress that my wife and I had when we started our family during my fellowship.

So this is where you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend--first of all, how committed are you two? Are you getting married, or if you're not the kind of couple that "believes" in marriage then have you talked about long-term goals and specific timelines for achieving those goals together? If you really do want to start a family during residency, is the childcare backup plan that your girlfriend is going to watch the sick kid? If so, is that feasible with her own life and career goals? And would she have an expectation that you would "pay her back" down the road when you finish training by doing something to support her?

While personal growth is a worthy and important goal, when you're in a committed relationship you really have to consider how your choices will impact your partner and potential family. Not saying you should or shouldn't go, but I would not just take "I support your decision" at face value. I'd really try to visualize what your lives together would look like either if you stay vs if you go.

Quoted for truth. Lots of great things to consider here.

 

[RangerBob]

As a parent, I cannot stress how helpful having family support with small kids is during training. Yes daycare exists, but particularly in the first 6-12mo kids will be constantly sick and you cannot just call out 2-4 times a month (literally) because your kid is sick. You always need a backup plan, and if the backup plan is NOT "a member of my family is going to watch my sick kid" then you sort of need a backup to the backup plan. This was no joke probably the single greatest stress that my wife and I had when we started our family during my fellowship.

So this is where you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend--first of all, how committed are you two? Are you getting married, or if you're not the kind of couple that "believes" in marriage then have you talked about long-term goals and specific timelines for achieving those goals together? If you really do want to start a family during residency, is the childcare backup plan that your girlfriend is going to watch the sick kid? If so, is that feasible with her own life and career goals? And would she have an expectation that you would "pay her back" down the road when you finish training by doing something to support her?

While personal growth is a worthy and important goal, when you're in a committed relationship you really have to consider how your choices will impact your partner and potential family. Not saying you should or shouldn't go, but I would not just take "I support your decision" at face value. I'd really try to visualize what your lives together would look like either if you stay vs if you go.

I will echo this as well.

We moved away for med school and stayed in the Midwest for residency. I’m not really sure I did any more growth there than I could have done closer to family. We saw my family twice a year, so we missed lots of birthdays/holidays/etc.

During my fellowship year our son was born. My wife got sick and had to be hospitalized for a day, and the hospital wouldn’t allow him in the hospital since he was only a couple weeks old at that point (either that or my wife wouldn’t let him in—can’t remember…). My parents flew out to help out and it really hit us how helpful family is, and how much help you need raising a kid.

So we completely changed my career goals and took an attending job near family. Now my son gets to see grandparents/cousins multiple times per week, gets full extended holiday seasons with family, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

I was literally looking at a job on the opposite coast. That’s how much having a kid will change your priorities. So if kids are really a strong possibility, I would think about things carefully, because having kids as a resident is a not an easy job—even if your future spouse stays at home and childcare isn’t an issue, your spouse still benefits immensely from the support of close family/friends. I took the job I did for my wife and son, not for me (thankfully I love it).

 

[operaman]

Another thought may be where you want to end up after training. First jobs are often found through program connections, so if you want to end up in your hometown it may be worth staying close. Conversely, if you want to end up across the country then going away for training could be very helpful.

I’m not sure how much personal growth there is to be had by going away for residency. So much of the growth comes from training itself and hospitals basically look alike on the inside. You’re so busy that in some ways it doesn’t matter much where you live so long as the location doesn’t create new obstacles for you (ie super high col that adds financial stresses or something).

If you want to end up in your hometown after training and the program is very strong, I’d give strong consideration to ranking them highly. Extra support, happier SO, and easier to land a nice job afterwards would likely outweigh any personal growth that would come from a long distance move. Take a few months off after training for some funemployment and go somewhere interesting for awhile when you can actually enjoy it.