Roommate committed suicide, how to move forward?

[Furan]

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This is probably the last place I should be seeking advice, but I'm depending on the anonymity of the internet right now because I'm not sure where else to turn.

Thursday night I came home and found my roommate dead in his room; I'll spare the details but this was a planned suicide. He was not a medical student. I know as a future doctor I'm supposed to be ok with death, but I'm certainly not ok right now -- that image is something I feel like I'm never going to forget.

I did not attend class Friday, but saw the school counselor and talked about my options. They didn't directly say it, but it seems they're not very receptive to offering me assistance since my roommate was not a fellow medical student or relative. So, my options, as they were explained to me, are to finish this block (we have 2 weeks left), or take a leave of absence and remediate the entire block when I return. I've been told the second option will go on my record and may hurt my chances when it comes time to match.

I want to finish this block, I really do, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit down and focus on studying right now. I tried to study last night and I couldn't get through one lecture in 7 hours of trying. I feel like if I finish the block, I'm going to do poorly on my final exams and possibly end up remediating anyway.

At this point I'm open to any suggestions, because I have no idea how to move forward.

 

[cbrons]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

They didn't directly say it, but it seems they're not very receptive to offering me assistance since my roommate was not a fellow medical student or relative. .

Wow what a helpful administration you have.

Can you talk to an outside counselor or psychologist?

 

[GonefromTX]

That sounds terrible and I am sorry that youre going through this. Having said that, I was in a much more traumatic situation (wont elaborate) the week before my final exams when I was in first year. I had pretty much the exact same options as you and I kinda just toughed it out and finished the finals.

Think about it this way: you have nothing to lose if u try to finish. If you fail, you remediate. If you take a break, you would remediate too. However, if you try and end up passing, thats the best outcome you can have.

 

[deleted480308]

what is the offer you want them to make? like, specifically what are you asking for?

 

[alpinism]

Well they could at least give the OP a few days off from quizzes/assignments and maybe postpone the exam for a week.

 

[Azete]

what is the offer you want them to make? like, specifically what are you asking for?

From my perspective, it wouldn't seem unreasonable for them to give him a week off to collect himself and take his exams during the block break.

Sorry you're going through this OP, wish I could be of more assistance.

 

[guitar25]

How sad. And an incredibly awful statement about the lack of sensitivity from a medical school.
Being in med school should not mean closing off normal human emotions. I hope you will seek
more insight from someone outside your school. You may want to read Pamela Wible, M.D.'s writings
about suicide and medical schools. I realize your friend was not in med school, but she writes passionately about
how this mentality needs to be addressed. So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Goro]

I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles.

It's time for an LOA. trying to simply bulldoze your way through this will simply lead to even worse outcomes for you academically.

Make good choices. Take time off and heal.

This is probably the last place I should be seeking advice, but I'm depending on the anonymity of the internet right now because I'm not sure where else to turn.

Thursday night I came home and found my roommate dead in his room; I'll spare the details but this was a planned suicide. He was not a medical student. I know as a future doctor I'm supposed to be ok with death, but I'm certainly not ok right now -- that image is something I feel like I'm never going to forget.

I did not attend class Friday, but saw the school counselor and talked about my options. They didn't directly say it, but it seems they're not very receptive to offering me assistance since my roommate was not a fellow medical student or relative. So, my options, as they were explained to me, are to finish this block (we have 2 weeks left), or take a leave of absence and remediate the entire block when I return. I've been told the second option will go on my record and may hurt my chances when it comes time to match.

I want to finish this block, I really do, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit down and focus on studying right now. I tried to study last night and I couldn't get through one lecture in 7 hours of trying. I feel like if I finish the block, I'm going to do poorly on my final exams and possibly end up remediating anyway.

At this point I'm open to any suggestions, because I have no idea how to move forward.

 

[Redpancreas]

This is probably the last place I should be seeking advice, but I'm depending on the anonymity of the internet right now because I'm not sure where else to turn.

Thursday night I came home and found my roommate dead in his room; I'll spare the details but this was a planned suicide. He was not a medical student. I know as a future doctor I'm supposed to be ok with death, but I'm certainly not ok right now -- that image is something I feel like I'm never going to forget.

I did not attend class Friday, but saw the school counselor and talked about my options. They didn't directly say it, but it seems they're not very receptive to offering me assistance since my roommate was not a fellow medical student or relative. So, my options, as they were explained to me, are to finish this block (we have 2 weeks left), or take a leave of absence and remediate the entire block when I return. I've been told the second option will go on my record and may hurt my chances when it comes time to match.

I want to finish this block, I really do, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit down and focus on studying right now. I tried to study last night and I couldn't get through one lecture in 7 hours of trying. I feel like if I finish the block, I'm going to do poorly on my final exams and possibly end up remediating anyway.

At this point I'm open to any suggestions, because I have no idea how to move forward.

During school second year I was acutely and temporarily sick and just not in it and I was given the option of making up an exam midway through the time between that one and the next. I did not do too well on either exam but I passsed and moved on with my life. I'm surprised OP's school doesn't have an option. I don't think it's fair for students to not be able to miss a few days without the threat of missing the whole year/block.

 

[mvenus929]

I know as a future doctor I'm supposed to be ok with death, but I'm certainly not ok right now -- that image is something I feel like I'm never going to forget.

There is a difference between taking care of a patient and not being able to stop them from dying (really, what we do is try to prevent death and suffering--much of the natural history of these diseases is death), and coming home to find the person you lived with dead. Like, a profound difference. It is okay to not be okay right now.

Personally, I would seek the LOA. I cannot imagine a PD in the future not accepting this as an explanation for a (short) LOA. And if they did, it's not a place you want to train at anyway. When my grandfather died, I called up my chief resident to ask for time off to go to his funeral, and he was prepared to give me time off starting at the time I called, even though I wasn't flying out for another 2 days and had a shift that night.

Now, if you have to take a year off, people might raise eyebrows. But a couple weeks to pull yourself together and find someone you can really talk to about this shouldn't be an issue later on.

 

[Tenk]

Roommates are not patients. Don't think that a doctor shouldn't feel pain, grief, or depression. We do.

Nobody can tell you what to do but I will tell you what I've seen from my own personal experiences with other students/residents is that it is usually better to just do your best, if you can, so you don't get behind. Once you are behind I have seen many, many students struggle to catch back up. With a school that doesn't seem to care that much this may even more so be the case. You could also ask just for a little bit extra time on the exam. Even an hour can go a long way when you have difficulty focusing.

Sorry to hear that this happened. Do your best and I'm sure many people on this site want to see you succeed.

 

[LilKangaroo]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm also sorry your school isn't very supportive at this time.

Also, don't you ever, ever stop caring about death, patients or otherwise. Yes, you will have to see a lot of death. Yes, you can't let it get in the way of your work. But don't stop caring. Don't abandon your humanity. It's okay to need to debrief and take some time for yourself. I know a lot of attendings and residents who still cry over their patients. You're not alone in this feeling and don't feel like you have to stop yourself from feeling.

But, as many have mentioned, you do need to take time for yourself right now and learn to process this in a healthy way. Talking to someone supportive, perhaps professional, would be helpful. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your future patients. If this is going to impact the rest of your year, take the leave of absence so that you can focus 100% next year and learn all that you can so you can be the best doctor ever. If you think it's only going to affect this block, you might be able to take the hit academically. You have a lot chances to relearn things over the next few years and you'll know it's an area of deficit that you need to focus on.

Good luck with all of this. I can't imagine what you are going through.

 

[cbrons]

I don't agree with taking a leave of absence unless you absolutely feel like you need it. Delaying graduation for an extra year can bring its own stress and trouble, and sometimes staying busy is what's best.

I do think your school should work with you and give you a week or so to recalibrate, and definitely think you need to see a psychologist regularly.

 

[P.G.O.A.T.]

Hi there,

Although I am not a medical student yet, I similarly went through the suicide of my close friend and roommate one month before finishing undergrad. I still had finals to take and a thesis to write in order to graduate. Luckily my professors were incredibly understanding, and I managed to get everything I needed to done.

Your recovery is the number one priority right now. Take time to figure out what you need to do for yourself, whether that's seeing a psychologist, going home to family for a few days, etc. In the grand scheme of things, your health right now far outweighs potential academic issues.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Feel free to message me if you need an outlet.

 

[wholeheartedly]

Was it just the school counselor that talked about your options? Maybe speaking with the block director will give you some more flexible options

 

[sloop]

This is a really awful situation and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately, there is no objectively "correct" course of action in this case and the only person who can really decide what's best is you. I will say that if you took a short leave of absence, I think it would be unlikely to hurt your residency chances much. There is a spot in ERAS in which you can explain an LOA. I really think it would have to be a particularly malignant program to read "I took a week off after I came home to find my roommate dead from suicide." and hold it against you. As others have mentioned, if a program does do this, you really do not want to be there. If a program holds it against people when they try to take reasonable measures in order to overcome traumatic adversity, that place didn't deserve your application in the first place.

That said, it's true that taking even a small amount of time off of medical school can generate more headaches and stress. It just depends on what you think will allow you to heal better in the long run, but you have to make a decision as this is really a binary thing: you can either power through or take some time. There isn't really any logical middle ground in this decision.

 

[DocWinter]

I would talk to the course director and/or Dean of Students. This is a significant issue that should warrant a few days or a week off. It seems to be affecting you and I wouldn't slug forward if you honestly need some time; it's a long semester. A weekly meeting with a professional would be a great idea as well.

 

[benjamin94559]

Does it look worse to fail and remediate than to take a LOA and remediate?

 

[unsweetened88]

If you would like to find someone to talk to or need emotional support, contact your local or hometown mental health center. They should have their own hotline or refer you to one. They will protect your privacy and you can remain anonymous.

Don't forget that grieving in itself will do you a world of good.

 

[Furan]

I want to thank everybody for all your words of support. This morning I gathered myself and decided to go to class -- I'm going to try to finish out the block.

To be honest, I'm surprised at how affected I am by this. Usually I'm able to move past things quickly, but this was an incredibly traumatic experience and part of me is somewhat ashamed to admit that I'm going to need therapy, but I do. My classmates really stepped up in a big way last night, one of my friends talked to the rest of the class without me knowing and collectively they pooled money (along with some faculty) so that I can stay in a hotel for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully not having to be in that apartment will help me keep focus.

 

[deleted685788]

I want to thank everybody for all your words of support. This morning I gathered myself and decided to go to class -- I'm going to try to finish out the block.

To be honest, I'm surprised at how affected I am by this. Usually I'm able to move past things quickly, but this was an incredibly traumatic experience and part of me is somewhat ashamed to admit that I'm going to need therapy, but I do. My classmates really stepped up in a big way last night, one of my friends talked to the rest of the class without me knowing and collectively they pooled money (along with some faculty) so that I can stay in a hotel for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully not having to be in that apartment will help me keep focus.

That is so heartening!! Wishing you the best.

 

[Brorthopedic]

I want to thank everybody for all your words of support. This morning I gathered myself and decided to go to class -- I'm going to try to finish out the block.

To be honest, I'm surprised at how affected I am by this. Usually I'm able to move past things quickly, but this was an incredibly traumatic experience and part of me is somewhat ashamed to admit that I'm going to need therapy, but I do. My classmates really stepped up in a big way last night, one of my friends talked to the rest of the class without me knowing and collectively they pooled money (along with some faculty) so that I can stay in a hotel for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully not having to be in that apartment will help me keep focus.

That is awesome to hear. Best of luck OP.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Furan, I wish you the best. The hotel idea is wonderful. Even without the stress of the death, having the disruption of a roommate's relatives in and out, potentially having to get a new roommate or cover 100% of the rent is going to take a lot of mental energy. Hang in there.

 

[Prilozack]

Surround yourself with a great support system. These things are out of your control. It's unfortunate it happened to you, but you have a life to live and to positively impact others. Get involved in good groups, study hard, hangout and connect with classmates, find a nice church, see a counselor if you need to. There are a lot of options you can take, but I think you're making the right decision to finish school strong.

 

[cbrons]

I want to thank everybody for all your words of support. This morning I gathered myself and decided to go to class -- I'm going to try to finish out the block.

To be honest, I'm surprised at how affected I am by this. Usually I'm able to move past things quickly, but this was an incredibly traumatic experience and part of me is somewhat ashamed to admit that I'm going to need therapy, but I do. My classmates really stepped up in a big way last night, one of my friends talked to the rest of the class without me knowing and collectively they pooled money (along with some faculty) so that I can stay in a hotel for the next 2 weeks. Hopefully not having to be in that apartment will help me keep focus.

good boy, u will get through it

good on your class and school for doing this.

Its stupid to be ashamed of needing therapy. Even Tony Soprano needed therapy.

 

[byaaaaaaah23]

It's normal to need to talk about your feelings. Do not be ashamed of needing therapy. Please don't let that stop you from finding some form of mental health outlet. You would be surprised how common it is. You probably won't need it forever, just take it as something to lean on during a stressful time in your life made exponentially more stressful by recent events for you. No one should have to deal with that alone.

 

[Stagg737]

Glad to hear OP's class stepped up and helped out. We hear plenty of stories about classmates and med students being d-bags, it's good to hear something positive for once (even if it did come from such a negative event). Hope things work out for you OP, stay strong and best of luck.

Does it look worse to fail and remediate than to take a LOA and remediate?

If someone has a justifiable reason to take an LOA (I think most would agree OP's is legitimate) then yes, failing and remediating would look worse than taking an LOA and remediating. However, I'd like to think that most schools wouldn't paint a legitimate LOA in a negative light like OP's school would.

 

[pre med 2014]

You saw a dead body... what's the big deal?


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[precisiongraphic]

You saw a dead body... what's the big deal?


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What an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Obviously you've been lucky and have had a charmed life and not lost someone you know through suicide, drug overdose, senseless accidents etc. It's not seeing the dead body - speaking for the OP he'll see a lot of that - but the shock and unexpectedness of it. And different from grandpa dying of old age. No warning and perhaps a gruesome scene. It's much worse than seeing the dead body of a patient - he had a personal connection.

Then there's the practical matter of getting a new roommate, and depending on the language in his lease, having to cover the whole rent until another roommate is found, dealing with the deceased's parents/family coming to pack up the stuff. It's horrible to contemplate.

 

[68PGunner]

What an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Obviously you've been lucky and have had a charmed life and not lost someone you know through suicide, drug overdose, senseless accidents etc. It's not seeing the dead body - speaking for the OP he'll see a lot of that - but the shock and unexpectedness of it. And different from grandpa dying of old age. No warning and perhaps a gruesome scene. It's much worse than seeing the dead body of a patient - he had a personal connection.

Then there's the practical matter of getting a new roommate, and depending on the language in his lease, having to cover the whole rent until another roommate is found, dealing with the deceased's parents/family coming to pack up the stuff. It's horrible to contemplate.

I have seen many dead bodies. I still remember all of their faces and how they take their last breathes. It's all about perspective. Obviously, OP has been very sheltered throughout his/her life.

Major prop to OP's classmates for rising to the challenge in helping out a fellow classmate through some hard time.

 

[Azete]

I have seen many dead bodies. I still remember all of their faces and how they take their last breathes. It's all about perspective. Obviously, OP has been very sheltered throughout his/her life.

Major prop to OP's classmates for rising to the challenge in helping out a fellow classmate through some hard time.

Yeah man, we should blame OP's privileged upbringing -- obviously he wasn't exposed to enough of his friends killing themselves growing up.

What the **** is wrong with you?

 

[JB50]

Y

I

A sincere f*** off to both of you.

I'm so sorry for you OP. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'll keep whoever you are in my prayers. Suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, whether it's a loved one or a close friend. Best wishes! Stay strong and don't be afraid/ashamed to ask for some guidance (therapy as you said).

 

[pre med 2014]

What an incredibly insensitive thing to say.


Then there's the practical matter of getting a new roommate, and depending on the language in his lease, having to cover the whole rent until another roommate is found, dealing with the deceased's parents/family coming to pack up the stuff. It's horrible to contemplate.

What an incredibly insensitive thing to say. A family has lost a loved one tragically and frustratingly to suicide. A young man whose life was cut too short and here you are worried about how his portion of the rent will be paid?!?!



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[jw3600]

OP: god bless your class and hope things get better. I like the plan of honestly assessing whether you can just finish block and be done with it to avoid unecasssry issues. If you can't (and that's fine), take LOA.

To the multiple mods reading this thread (because obviously you are because it's about suicide): why the F am I on probationary status when you have clown posters posting crap like "oh don't be such a bitch it's a dead body you cake eater (mighty ducks reference)." It just makes no sense. Why can't mods, who are usually doctors, use common sense to determine who should be allowed to post and not follow some technical rule book about banning and warnings. Obvious clowns are obvious. I have been a contributory poster for half a decade and I'm on probationary status for nonsense but these hooligans run wild. Welcome to PM me a response if you'd rather it not be public.

 

[Stagg737]

I have seen many dead bodies. I still remember all of their faces and how they take their last breathes. It's all about perspective. Obviously, OP has been very sheltered throughout his/her life.

Major prop to OP's classmates for rising to the challenge in helping out a fellow classmate through some hard time.

Let's be real for a second. There's a difference between seeing a dead body and being the one to discover the dead body of someone you're close to. I've seen dozens of dead bodies, including my fair share outside of the hospital or anatomy lab. Seeing the body of a stranger, or anyone, when you've been told they're dead and have had even a few minutes to prepare is different than just finding someone dead. Especially when it's someone you care about. Even physicians know are affected differently by deaths of different patients. Talk to some EM or ICU docs, I'm sure they'll tell you that some patients' deaths hit them harder than others. There's a difference between watching an 80 year old who's got a bunch of co-morbidities die and watching a 10 year old code after a car accident. We also don't know how the roommate killed him or herself, and walking into certain scenes may elicit a different response than others.

If you think OP is sheltered because he/she has been affected by this, then I'm sorry for whatever experiences you've had that make you think finding the dead body of someone you know in your home wouldn't be potentially traumatizing.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Let's be real for a second. There's a difference between seeing a dead body and being the one to discover the dead body of someone you're close to. I've seen dozens of dead bodies, including my fair share outside of the hospital or anatomy lab. Seeing the body of a stranger, or anyone, when you've been told they're dead and have had even a few minutes to prepare is different than just finding someone dead. Especially when it's someone you care about. Even physicians know are affected differently by deaths of different patients. Talk to some EM or ICU docs, I'm sure they'll tell you that some patients' deaths hit them harder than others. There's a difference between watching an 80 year old who's got a bunch of co-morbidities die and watching a 10 year old code after a car accident. We also don't know how the roommate killed him or herself, and walking into certain scenes may elicit a different response than others.

If you think OP is sheltered because he/she has been affected by this, then I'm sorry for whatever experiences you've had that make you think finding the dead body of someone you know in your home wouldn't be potentially traumatizing.

Where's the like x 200 button?

 

[Ismet]

Closing thread. Members are reminded to conduct themselves courteously and professionally on the forums.