Roommate trouble with a month and a half left of this semester...

[Gauss44]

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Just wondering who else has had this problem and how you solved it:

My roommate hates me (and is mentally ill) and wants me to move out. She won't even talk to me about it, but is threatening to get a restraining order against me (even though I didn't do anything wrong at all) if I don't move. It's her way of forcing me out. Trouble is, I cannot afford to move (let alone eat properly or properly cloth myself) and we are in the middle of midterms and soon to be in finals (so no time either). I'm scared and feel stuck. Any advice? (Landlord isn't fond of me either because I requested much needed repairs to my bedroom that she doesn't want to make.)

 

[Endoxifen]

Just wondering who else has had this problem and how you solved it:

My roommate hates me (and is mentally ill) and wants me to move out. She won't even talk to me about it, but is threatening to get a restraining order against me (even though I didn't do anything wrong at all) if I don't move. It's her way of forcing me out. Trouble is, I cannot afford to move (let alone eat properly or properly cloth myself) and we are in the middle of midterms and soon to be in finals (so no time either). I'm scared and feel stuck. Any advice?

Are you in dorms or in an apartment. I would contact your RA or landlord immediately. I suspect that her restraining order threat is a bluff. It likely that even if she tried to have one ordered, it wouldn't be approved. I'm not a lawyer (clearly), but I imagine that laws require the person to be physically at risk from another person. You can't just have a restraining order approved because you don't like someone. Regardless, I would seek legal council from your college's or family's lawyers.

 

[Gauss44]

Are you in dorms or in an apartment. I would contact your RA or landlord immediately. I suspect that her restraining order threat is a bluff. It likely that even if she tried to have one ordered, it wouldn't be approved. I'm not a lawyer (clearly), but I imagine that laws require the person to be physically at risk from another person. You can't just have a restraining order approved because you don't like someone. Regardless, I would seek legal council from your college's or family's lawyers.

Well, the landlord informed me that my roommate mentioned that in the context of trying to get the landlord to kick me out. She really hates me and I cannot even figure out why other than she says she wakes up every time I softly walk down the hall and she goes to bed ridiculously early (and she has a personality disorder and eating disorder that make her irritable, etc.). I live in off-campus private housing, unfortunately. My biggest fear is legal action against me and time commitments related to this that could lower my grades.

 

[Endoxifen]

Well, the landlord informed me that my roommate mentioned that in the context of trying to get the landlord to kick me out. She really hates me and I cannot even figure out why other than she says she wakes up every time I softly walk down the hall and she goes to bed ridiculously early (and she has a personality disorder and eating disorder that make her irritable, etc.). I live in off-campus private housing, unfortunately. My biggest fear is legal action against me and time commitments related to this that could lower my grades.

First, I would take a deep breath and relax. She obviously doesn't have to power to do anything tangible to hurt you. Next, I would schedule a meeting with your landlord. Sit down with him and describe the situation calmly and objectively. Possibly tell him that she's threatening legal action. She has no more right to the space then you and, if you can get the landlord on your side, the risk to you decreases. After that, seek legal council. I'm sure that your school has some sort of legal advising. I doubt that this is the first time that someone has had serious problems with a roommate. I'm sure there are protocols with this. Once you confirm from your landlord and your lawyer/adviser that she has no ability to force you out of the apartment, you schedule a meeting with everyone present. You then have the opportunity to try and work things out. If she insists on you moving, you have your landlord inform her that she has the option of moving, if she can afford to continue paying.

 

[Gauss44]

First, I would take a deep breath and relax. She obviously doesn't have to power to do anything tangible to hurt you. Next, I would schedule a meeting with your landlord. Sit down with him and describe the situation calmly and objectively. Possibly tell him that she's threatening legal action. She has no more right to the space then you and, if you can get the landlord on your side, the risk to you decreases. After that, seek legal council. I'm sure that your school has some sort of legal advising. I doubt that this is the first time that someone has had serious problems with a roommate. I'm sure there are protocols with this. Once you confirm from your landlord and your lawyer/adviser that she has no ability to force you out of the apartment, you schedule a meeting with everyone present. You then have the opportunity to try and work things out. If she insists on you moving, you have your landlord inform her that she has the option of moving, if she can afford to continue paying.

Landlord currently wants me to move and I told her that I could try after the semester, but currently don't have a dime to hire movers and am swamped with schoolwork. Landlord is also a former domestic violence attorney that preferred to help abused women. I'm certainly not an abuser, but I fear that her sympathies lie with my housemate because she's female and acting as if I've done wrong. I haven't. I study practically all of the time and am gone over 12 hours a day... Just a nightmare on my end.

 

[Endoxifen]

Landlord currently wants me to move and I told her that I could try after the semester, but currently don't have a dime to hire movers and am swamped with schoolwork. Landlord is also a former domestic violence attorney that preferred to help abused women. I'm certainly not an abuser, but I fear that her sympathies lie with my housemate because she's female and acting as if I've done wrong. I haven't. I study practically all of the time and am gone over 12 hours a day... Just a nightmare on my end.

I think it's important to have a formal conversation with your landlord. At the moment, they only have the full testimony of your roommate. It is important for you to have their support in the meantime. Have you talked with your parents about this (assuming you're normal college age). Maybe they can help you.

 

[Frogger27]

If it makes you feel any better OP, I am in the process of getting evicted for some Bullsh*t my roomate did. Best thing you can do is have an open and honest conversation with the landlord, but in the end it will all be okay.

I do not know all the legal stuff regarding getting a restraining order, but I think she would have to have some solid evidence to have a court rule this. And with the process of the landlord "kicking you out"... Depending on your state, they usually have to give you a min. of 30 days to move out as long as you are not getting evicted for lack of payment. By the time they file for eviction (which is highly unlikely), you may be able to ride it out to the end of finals

 

[mistafab]

OP - refrain from any form of communication with your room mate from here on out. Anything you say or write can be construed as bad from now on. I'm not sure if talking with your landlor is going to help, you can give it a shot if you want. I'd suggest laying low from now until whenever so that you can at least try to ride out the semester. I'd study at the library, and only come home for things like sleeping and eating.

Hopefully you can make it until the end of the semester before moving out. This is a crappy situtation to be in, I hope everything works out for you.

 

[dpmd]

Who is on the lease (if there is a lease)? What sort of security deposit did you contribute? Are you hoping to keep the apartment and have the roommate move out? If not then perhaps you can discuss her buying you out of the place (at the very least having her take over the lease and pay you the security deposit you put down with you signing over the right to that money from the landlord to her).

 

[Gauss44]

Who is on the lease (if there is a lease)? What sort of security deposit did you contribute? Are you hoping to keep the apartment and have the roommate move out? If not then perhaps you can discuss her buying you out of the place (at the very least having her take over the lease and pay you the security deposit you put down with you signing over the right to that money from the landlord to her).

We are both on the lease. Landlord has given me permission to move. The buying out idea is a good one. Still not enough money to hire full service movers, but should be enough to get a Uhaul, move almost everything myself, and have movers my couple items of larger furniture after the semester is over, if this can wait that long. I guess this is about finding a way for things not to boil over in the next month and a half.

 

[dpmd]

Maybe by agreeing to move out the roommate will chill the **** out. How long have you lived there?

 

[Gauss44]

Maybe by agreeing to move out the roommate will chill the **** out. How long have you lived there?

That might work. Since September 1st, 2016.

 

[dpmd]

That might work. Since September 1st, 2016.

So then a 30 day notice is probably all that is required on any side (unless you do something that earns a 3 day notice). You can talk to your roommate and discuss with her the fact you are willing to do a 1.5 mth notice for moving if she or the landlord will return your security deposit but that if she wants you out earlier she will need to cover a hotel for you to stay in while you make arrangements to move your ****.

 

[xffan624]

We are both on the lease. Landlord has given me permission to move. The buying out idea is a good one. Still not enough money to hire full service movers, but should be enough to get a Uhaul, move almost everything myself, and have movers my couple items of larger furniture after the semester is over, if this can wait that long. I guess this is about finding a way for things not to boil over in the next month and a half.

Why do you need movers? Don't you have some friends/classmates you can ask to help out in exchange for pizza and/or beer? It's a time honored tradition.

 

[dnm93]

Concerning the restraining order thing, she would have to have solid evidence (text messages, recordings, witnesses) that you were harassing, threatening, or physically/mentally abusing her. I have a restraining order against an ex-boyfriend and the process is a nightmare. You have to have a formal court hearing to obtain a permanent order. In college, I lived with a girl who attempted suicide in front of me. A few weeks later I got served papers by her attorney because I called the cops and was "intervening in personal family affairs." Needless to say those charges were short-lived as they are ridiculous. Point is, people will threaten legal action for anything and everything. I wouldn't worry about it if she has no concrete evidence to back up any legal claim she may make.

 

[Medic741]

***Leave ASAP. Mentally ill women are *NOT* something you want to mess around with.***

 

[JJRousseau]

***Leave ASAP. Mentally ill women are *NOT* something you want to mess around with.***

In my experience, it's not being mentally ill so much as having a borderline personality that is sadly very difficult to socially reconcile, especially in a living situation. Also, I've found that borderline personality males are equivalently frustrating...

 

[Gauss44]

Concerning the restraining order thing, she would have to have solid evidence (text messages, recordings, witnesses) that you were harassing, threatening, or physically/mentally abusing her. I have a restraining order against an ex-boyfriend and the process is a nightmare. You have to have a formal court hearing to obtain a permanent order. In college, I lived with a girl who attempted suicide in front of me. A few weeks later I got served papers by her attorney because I called the cops and was "intervening in personal family affairs." Needless to say those charges were short-lived as they are ridiculous. Point is, people will threaten legal action for anything and everything. I wouldn't worry about it if she has no concrete evidence to back up any legal claim she may make.

***Leave ASAP. Mentally ill women are *NOT* something you want to mess around with.***

One of my biggest fears is potentially getting arrested due to something she makes up or hallucinates. I believe that in Boston, if someone calls the police complaining, or even lying or hallucinating about any form domestic violence, the officers are suppose to arrest the person getting accused. I hope this is a misunderstanding as it seems anyone could point a finger dishonestly and give someone else an arrest record.

 

[Gauss44]

Why do you need movers? Don't you have some friends/classmates you can ask to help out in exchange for pizza and/or beer? It's a time honored tradition.

I guess I could try asking. I've been out of school for a couple years and most people I'm close with are students and academics and have moved out of state. Lots of far away friends for me, very few local friends. I guess if I consider classmates and coworkers that I get along with but don't really do much with outside of school or work to be friends, that drastically increases the number... Just don't know many locals.

 

[Gauss44]

So then a 30 day notice is probably all that is required on any side (unless you do something that earns a 3 day notice). You can talk to your roommate and discuss with her the fact you are willing to do a 1.5 mth notice for moving if she or the landlord will return your security deposit but that if she wants you out earlier she will need to cover a hotel for you to stay in while you make arrangements to move your ****.

My roommate has apparently lost her ability to function rationally. She only talks when she wants to and reacts strangely to anything I do. She frequently yells at me accusing me of illogical things. For example, if I clean she gets mad saying that she wanted to save the mess for her girlfriend who wants to be her slave, and if I don't clean she says that I'm dismissive and disrespectful. If I try to communicate, she accuses me of violating her boundaries because she asked me to engage with her, but if I don't communicate she gets mad too. And I mean really mad, shaking, yelling, etc. I've never met anyone this crazy before.... as far as I know. Oh, but an important caveat, when it comes to interacting with her friends and strangers, she's almost normal. I consulted a psychologist who specializes in BPD and eating disorders who told me that often time intimate people like family and housemates get the brunt of people like this, while they act normal-ish towards less intimate people like coworkers, strangers, and those they don't see as often.

 

[Medic741]

One of my biggest fears is potentially getting arrested due to something she makes up or hallucinates. I believe that in Boston, if someone calls the police complaining, or even lying or hallucinating about any form domestic violence, the officers are suppose to arrest the person getting accused. I hope this is a misunderstanding as it seems anyone could point a finger dishonestly and give someone else an arrest record.

And your school has a title IX office which can end your career, no questions asked. It's not the law that you'd be facing, but the title IX office of your program.

This is a no joke situation that you want nothing to be a part of. At the very least make some formal contact (e.g. Email to a dean) expressing your concern over this individuals behavior. Careful out there

 

[blackroses]

I'm going to concur that you should attempt to exit this situation ASAP.

I will also add that if you don't have friends willing to help you move, your college will have some sort of classified board (highly likely to be online) that you can post on for free. An offer of a few beers in exchange for help will result in half the college showing up, and you'll be moved in 20 minutes flat.

 

[LutGholein]

This type of experience scares me away from the prospect of getting a roommate for med school. I'm sorry OP.

 

[Gauss44]

This type of experience scares me away from the prospect of getting a roommate for med school. I'm sorry OP.

Next time I think I'll opt for a 300+ pound male roommate or something.

 

[Toutie]

Next time I think I'll opt for a 300+ pound male roommate or something.

You REALLY need to get out of there ASAP! Your future and your career could depend on it. Take what you really need and leave the rest of you have to. Honestly...even if it means withdrawing from school for a semester, get out of there!

 

[dpmd]

You could always try a preemptive strike and call the authorities to say you think she is a danger to you or herself due to mental illness. But you will need some evidence (or her to go off on them if they show up).

 

[Goro]

It's going to take longer than a month for her to get a restraining order. Ignore her.

Just wondering who else has had this problem and how you solved it:

My roommate hates me (and is mentally ill) and wants me to move out. She won't even talk to me about it, but is threatening to get a restraining order against me (even though I didn't do anything wrong at all) if I don't move. It's her way of forcing me out. Trouble is, I cannot afford to move (let alone eat properly or properly cloth myself) and we are in the middle of midterms and soon to be in finals (so no time either). I'm scared and feel stuck. Any advice? (Landlord isn't fond of me either because I requested much needed repairs to my bedroom that she doesn't want to make.)

 

[blackroses]

I am not sure about the laws where you are, but I know in my location civil protection orders (civil version of restraining order) can be obtained quite rapidly, which would be my major concern with your situation (I only know this because my s/o has an ex who might just be your roommate!)

 

[dnm93]

It's going to take longer than a month for her to get a restraining order. Ignore her.

It actually takes about a month. When I filed mine, the court date was scheduled for almost exactly a month later. They will also grant you a temporary restraining order immediately if there is any evidence of threat to well being. The court date is for a permanent order.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Welshman]

There are a lot of options for medium-term rentals in Boston, ie a month at a time, if you can get all of you money back from the landlord dedicate one day to packing everything up then rent a z*pcar truck and move in the next. Spending two days to get out of this stressful af situation would be more than beneficial to yourself and your grades.

Wash your hands of it my friend.

 

[takeurmeds02]

I'd seriously ignore her and contact your school's student services to see if they have any options and also let them know that one of their students is batsh*t crazy. A month and half won't kill you so long as you keep your head down, mind your business, and make little contact as possible. Otherwise have her buy you out; there's no reason why she should chase you out your own money.

As far as her buying you out and you saying it wouldn't be enough to cover moving expenses, what were you going to do anyway? It sounds like you were planning to renew your lease..that's obviously out of the question. Start a roommate search now. Otherwise look into short-term rentals.

 

[Lucca]

I also think trying to find a friend, coworker, classmate, or family member to help you out by letting you camp out at their place for a month would be ideal.

Other than that, I would also suggest contacting some professional at your school who could help you sort through this situation. If anything does happen, you want as much information as possible on record and you want to be proactive about preventing any misunderstandings.

Best of luck