Scared about residency! Social life!

[docscience]

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Growing up has been hard especially in the face of medical school.

I recently broke up with my bf of 5 years. We knew each other before medical school and dated throughout (he is also in medical school). We share lots of friends and it has been a hard transition to break it off! We even considered couples matching and had some programs that were interested in both of us coming there!
But final answers and decisions have been made and we are breaking it off 100%...relationship problems, differing career choices.

I like the program that is my #1 choice, but the residents I met were not super fun and seemed pretty "dweeby" haha! I am a nerd/dweeb too. But they did not seem "fun." I went to the predinner also and most of them were married.

I was wondering how taxing internship/residency is as far as the dating scene. A lot of inter-hospital romances????
Not enough time to date? Especially intern year????
Time to go out to the bars and such???? Play golf?
How do you make new friends? Especially if you move to a totally new area????
Do you still hang out/keep up with medical school buddies? Or do friendships made in residency last longer?? How many of you are still single coming out of medical school???

Thanks, just in a bit of panic mode.

 

[sunset823]

I'm curious about this too. I've never really dated (cuz I've not been interested, not because I'm forbidden from it or something) and right now I am very happily single and will stay that way until residency. But I would like to do residency in a city with a decent singles scene, and tell myself that maybe I'll start dating in residency, but I'm not so sure about that. I really don't care if I'm a spinstress for life, personally (my lifestyle and wanderlust makes it difficult for me to commit to anything long term), but I would like some form of a social life.

I do think it's location dependent, the places I've been in the midwest and south had a much higher rate of married residents than on the east coast.

I would guess it's probably specialty dependent too. That's why I have no intention of going into surgery. I like to kick back at a martini bar or go to a concert/play every so often.

Edit: OP, I saw your potential rank list over on the IM forum, if you are worried about having a life, I would highly recommend being in the west coast (SF or Seattle). I would highly recommend not going to Iowa/Missouri, etc; despite being a great program academically, Iowa City is probably the worst place to be to try to find a significant other. Unless you're into 17 year old college freshmen...in the midwest college towns in general people pair up early in undergrad, and there's absolutely no singles scene if you're over like 25. This is a major thing dissuading me from going back to my hometown or any other small college town in the midwest.

 

[peppy]

Yeah, specialty is a huge factor. There are exceptions (some programs are more cush than average and some harder than average) but of course surgical residencies tend to be more painful than say PM&R, Derm, Rads, and Psych are.

Internship may be easier next year with the new ACGME requirements than it used to be.
Even as things are right now, you do get some days off even on the worst rotations. You can certainly still go out and have fun on your days off (or nap and do it post-call).
If you found someone understanding, you could still date. It's not like going to prison even though it feels like that sometimes. 🙂

Your best bet is probably to try to contact the residents at the programs you're considering and see what they say about what their lifestyle is like.

 

[hrandani]

Hey, look at the bright side. At least you won't be subjected to the agony of watching residency destroy your relationship!

 

[turquoiseblue]

I was wondering how taxing internship/residency is as far as the dating scene. A lot of inter-hospital romances????

I was a resident for a while and i hardly saw any inter-hospital romances whatsoever..maybe once in a while. im not even interested in that anyways whatsoever, but i just noticed it is thankfully nothing like you see on scrubs or grey's anatomy. there's not that much time in some programs. you're constantly doing work (in IM and surgery that is)....i don't know about other specialties or other hospitals, but im pretty sure they don't live life the way you see on tv.

Not enough time to date? Especially intern year????

especially intern year, other years may have more time. if a person has time for a family i don't see why there's no time to date for some people that want to. you don't work all hours of the day, and i heard that residency hours are going to be less, so all the more free time for you.

Time to go out to the bars and such???? Play golf?

you can go to bars, but sometimes your favorite collegues often are on different schedules, some are on call, some are not, unless you have a nightfloat system. if that's the case you'll be able see the ones that aren't on nightfloat after work because they get off work the same time--that is, if they're single. if they're married they have a husband and maybe kids to attend to, but im sure many aren't opposed to having a night out every once in a while. in one of my surgery programs i went out with all the residents just once in the entire year. it was that busy, plus everyone was married.

How do you make new friends? Especially if you move to a totally new area????
if you are talking about co-workers, you work with them and see them all the time, so most of the time, you naturally become friends. i dont know about outside people though.

Do you still hang out/keep up with medical school buddies? Or do friendships made in residency last longer?? How many of you are still single coming out of medical school???

i talked to some med school buddies on facebook and we planned to meet but it never happened, but at least we kept in touch. i think med school relationships last longer. residency relationships fade faster in my opinion. i have talked to med school people still, but residents have moved on to other things. maybe that's because i spent less than a year with the residents i was with. if you were in a categorical program, it may be different where you stay friends.

Good luck. This is just my personal experience. Hope i helped at least a little.

 

[docscience]

I was wondering how taxing internship/residency is as far as the dating scene. A lot of inter-hospital romances????

I was a resident for a while and i hardly saw any inter-hospital romances whatsoever..maybe once in a while. im not even interested in that anyways whatsoever, but i just noticed it is thankfully nothing like you see on scrubs or grey's anatomy. there's not that much time in some programs. you're constantly doing work (in IM and surgery that is)....i don't know about other specialties or other hospitals, but im pretty sure they don't live life the way you see on tv.

Not enough time to date? Especially intern year????

especially intern year, other years may have more time. if a person has time for a family i don't see why there's no time to date for some people that want to. you don't work all hours of the day, and i heard that residency hours are going to be less, so all the more free time for you.

Time to go out to the bars and such???? Play golf?

you can go to bars, but sometimes your favorite collegues often are on different schedules, some are on call, some are not, unless you have a nightfloat system. if that's the case you'll be able see the ones that aren't on nightfloat after work because they get off work the same time--that is, if they're single. if they're married they have a husband and maybe kids to attend to, but im sure many aren't opposed to having a night out every once in a while. in one of my surgery programs i went out with all the residents just once in the entire year. it was that busy, plus everyone was married.

How do you make new friends? Especially if you move to a totally new area????
if you are talking about co-workers, you work with them and see them all the time, so most of the time, you naturally become friends. i dont know about outside people though.

Do you still hang out/keep up with medical school buddies? Or do friendships made in residency last longer?? How many of you are still single coming out of medical school???

i talked to some med school buddies on facebook and we planned to meet but it never happened, but at least we kept in touch. i think med school relationships last longer. residency relationships fade faster in my opinion. i have talked to med school people still, but residents have moved on to other things. maybe that's because i spent less than a year with the residents i was with. if you were in a categorical program, it may be different where you stay friends.

Good luck. This is just my personal experience. Hope i helped at least a little.

wow...sounds like you are in an intense program...

also, I guess reality kicks in when you finish medical school?

boooo

 

[Winged Scapula]

I had a very different experience than tb and suspect that her lack of socializing with other residents may have been related to her leaving said program.

My two cents...

I was wondering how taxing internship/residency is as far as the dating scene. A lot of inter-hospital romances????

It depends on your program, the hours worked, your other hobbies, family responsibilities, etc. We had several intra-hospital romances; mostly male residents with female nurses, rad techs, etc. - I suspect this wouldn't be unusual given the ratio of single male residents to single female allied health employees. I met my ex-SO as a resident at another program in town.

If you wish to date outside of the hospital it takes more work; you'll have to put in some effort into meeting "non-dweebs" outside of your program.

Not enough time to date? Especially intern year????

Sure there is, if you make time for it. Remember I trained in the old days without the current work hour restrictions and still managed to find someone to date and sustain a long-term relationship. It *can* be difficult if you have lots of other hobbies, etc. as I noted above. There are only so many hours in the week. It can also be difficult if your date is not medical (and hence doesn't understand residency) and is not understanding/independent.

Time to go out to the bars and such???? Play golf?

Of course. There are 168 hours per week. Even if you work 80 hours per week, that leaves at least *some* time to go out to bars, play golf. Will you be able to be as active as you were in medical school or undergrad? No, but then most adults are not, even if they aren't in residency. You will have to accept that a social life doesn't necessarily start on Thursday night with continuous drinking until Sunday afternoon. 😉

How do you make new friends? Especially if you move to a totally new area????

Remember that most of you fellow interns will also probably be in a totally new area. Making friends as an adult can require a little more ingenuity than just finding a study partner. You can join a gym, or a local hiking club, suggest that all your new interns get together for a "getting to know each other" party if your program doesn't organize it. Invite those from other programs in the same hospital. There will be lots of people in the same position.

Do you still hang out/keep up with medical school buddies? Or do friendships made in residency last longer?? How many of you are still single coming out of medical school???

I have found that my friendships from residency are much more stable and deep than those from medical school. Remember, while you have something in common with medical school buddies, you are likely to have even more with those who have chosen a certain specialty. And all the long hours fosters deep friendships. Back in the day, we spent more hours per week at the hospital with each other than we did with our families. So you become fast friends (or you end up hating each other, fortunately that didn't happen much in our program). Medical schools are big in many cases and you don't get to know each other as well, IMHO.

I just returned from a wedding in Jamaica - probably 20 people from residency were there to celebrate, not counting the bride's friends from her new residency (she left our program to start a different specialty in another state). There were only a few medical school friends in attendance.

I was single coming out of medical school and met someone the first month of residency; a relationship that lasted through a very long residency. It is possible. Most of my single fellow residents also met people.

You never know, your "dweeby" residency colleagues may have a cute brother, know someone in another department, have a nice single teacher for you, etc. Married people love to pair off their single friends, so you may have a lot of the wives trying to fix you up with someone. Don't discount the value of married people in getting you into a relationship (it can also be a pain, if you aren't looking and they keep trying). 😀

I can be hard, don't get me wrong and I know that my experiences may not be those of others (I also spent my life moving to new towns in a military family and moved to two foreign countries by myself, so am perhaps a little more independent than the average female). But you will have lots of company in your new location - make sure you take advantage of that in those first few weeks, trying to get to know people.

 

[iwumd07]

I'm curious about this too. I've never really dated (cuz I've not been interested, not because I'm forbihudden from it or something) and right now I am very happily single and will stay that way until residency. But I would like to do residency in a city with a decent singles scene, and tell myself that maybe I'll start dating in residency, but I'm not so sure about that. I really don't care if I'm a spinstress for life, personally (my lifestyle and wanderlust makes it difficult for me to commit to anything long term), but I would like some form of a social life.

I do think it's location dependent, the places I've been in the midwest and south had a much higher rate of married residents than on the east coast.

I would guess it's probably specialty dependent too. That's why I have no intention of going into surgery. I like to kick back at a martini bar or go to a concert/play every so often.

S,

I could see you as one hot spinstress in a martini bar.

;-P

 

[turquoiseblue]

I had a very different experience than tb and suspect that her lack of socializing with other residents may have been related to her leaving said program.

i wouldn't say it was a lack of socialization, most of the other residents were workaholics that didn't want to socialize themselves either, so please stop blaming me for everything. and in agreement with the OP, the programs i was at were very intense.

 

[Winged Scapula]

i wouldn't say it was a lack of socialization, most of the other residents were workaholics that didn't want to socialize themselves either, so please stop blaming me for everything. and in agreement with the OP, the programs i was at were very intense.

Where did I blame *you*? 🙄

I noted that you didn't socialize much with the other residents (which is exactly what YOU said happened): that can be taken many ways - either you didn't want to, they were too busy or they didn't want to.

The fact remains that it is likely that more socialization with ones colleagues generally makes for a better relationship. This is an important aspect of residency that many overlook; your colleagues are much more likely to want to cover you and keep you around when the chips are down if they like you and have a good relationship with you.

 

[sunset823]

S,

I could see you as one hot spinstress in a martini bar.

;-P

Haha, I'm flattered. And here I always likened myself to Susan Boyle. 😳

And thanks WS, your post was really helpful.

 

[turquoiseblue]

i had good relationships with my co-workers at my program, don't get me wrong. im facebook friends with some of them. there were very nice residents in my last program. it's just that the policy of the program was to not let me finish the remainder that i missed. who can talk a PD out of that? I don't think anyone can, if that is their policy. if you know how i can change his mind please let me know.

after work i preferred to get some z's rather than socialize because we were working every day from around 6am until 7pm. but im sure other programs will be different. also i heard from a PD i interviewed with that work hours will be lessened, so im sure there will be more time to socialize inside and outside a program with that rule.

 

[Winged Scapula]

And thanks WS, your post was really helpful.

Sure. I hope that you and the OP enjoy residency and I'm sure you'll make some wonderful new friends.

And please take my advice about socializing to heart. IMHO it is important to do things outside of work with your residency colleagues; it builds stronger relationships and you never know when you may need to rely on your colleagues for help.

I had some tough times during residency and had I not been close with my fellow residents (fostered during long hours in house and some time socializing outside of work - at the gym, bars, etc. - not a lot, but enough), I think it would been a lot harder for them to want to help me and for me to accept their help. I felt the same way when it came time to help them. As you can see, many of us still feel that way (coming from all over to attend a wedding in Jamaica).

So make sure to take some time, especially early on, to do things to foster friendships.

I hear match.com is great as well...went to a Christmas party where *every* couple at an 8 person table (me the only singleton) met on match. So if you can't find someone at work or outside of it, there's always electronic means. 😛

 

[docscience]

I had a very different experience than tb and suspect that her lack of socializing with other residents may have been related to her leaving said program.

My two cents...



It depends on your program, the hours worked, your other hobbies, family responsibilities, etc. We had several intra-hospital romances; mostly male residents with female nurses, rad techs, etc. - I suspect this wouldn't be unusual given the ratio of single male residents to single female allied health employees. I met my ex-SO as a resident at another program in town.

If you wish to date outside of the hospital it takes more work; you'll have to put in some effort into meeting "non-dweebs" outside of your program.



Sure there is, if you make time for it. Remember I trained in the old days without the current work hour restrictions and still managed to find someone to date and sustain a long-term relationship. It *can* be difficult if you have lots of other hobbies, etc. as I noted above. There are only so many hours in the week. It can also be difficult if your date is not medical (and hence doesn't understand residency) and is not understanding/independent.



Of course. There are 168 hours per week. Even if you work 80 hours per week, that leaves at least *some* time to go out to bars, play golf. Will you be able to be as active as you were in medical school or undergrad? No, but then most adults are not, even if they aren't in residency. You will have to accept that a social life doesn't necessarily start on Thursday night with continuous drinking until Sunday afternoon. 😉



Remember that most of you fellow interns will also probably be in a totally new area. Making friends as an adult can require a little more ingenuity than just finding a study partner. You can join a gym, or a local hiking club, suggest that all your new interns get together for a "getting to know each other" party if your program doesn't organize it. Invite those from other programs in the same hospital. There will be lots of people in the same position.



I have found that my friendships from residency are much more stable and deep than those from medical school. Remember, while you have something in common with medical school buddies, you are likely to have even more with those who have chosen a certain specialty. And all the long hours fosters deep friendships. Back in the day, we spent more hours per week at the hospital with each other than we did with our families. So you become fast friends (or you end up hating each other, fortunately that didn't happen much in our program). Medical schools are big in many cases and you don't get to know each other as well, IMHO.

I just returned from a wedding in Jamaica - probably 20 people from residency were there to celebrate, not counting the bride's friends from her new residency (she left our program to start a different specialty in another state). There were only a few medical school friends in attendance.

I was single coming out of medical school and met someone the first month of residency; a relationship that lasted through a very long residency. It is possible. Most of my single fellow residents also met people.

You never know, your "dweeby" residency colleagues may have a cute brother, know someone in another department, have a nice single teacher for you, etc. Married people love to pair off their single friends, so you may have a lot of the wives trying to fix you up with someone. Don't discount the value of married people in getting you into a relationship (it can also be a pain, if you aren't looking and they keep trying). 😀

I can be hard, don't get me wrong and I know that my experiences may not be those of others (I also spent my life moving to new towns in a military family and moved to two foreign countries by myself, so am perhaps a little more independent than the average female). But you will have lots of company in your new location - make sure you take advantage of that in those first few weeks, trying to get to know people.

Thanks for the advice and perspectives WS! And everyone else. It is good that lots of people will be from out of town and making friends will have to be from that experience I suppose.

It also seems as though it is a bit of a crapshoot with the incoming class....they could all be really crappy people to work with, all not as bright, not as fun, etc....but hopefully it is a mixture of all of that and you can find a few people to become friends with...

The craziness of life never ends....

 

[Slack3r]

You will have to accept that a social life doesn't necessarily start on Thursday night with continuous drinking until Sunday afternoon. 😉

Something I lament everyday... 😉

 

[dragonfly99]

My 2 cents if that if you want to date in residency or fellowship, you should think seriously about both the program and geographic area you are in. I'm currently on one of the coasts, and am having 1000% easier time dating than I did during residency (it was in Midwest or South and not a tiny town but not a huge city either). Particularly if you are female in your late 20's or early 30's, in some areas a LOT of the people your age, including fellow residents, will be married. This will leave you with a smaller pool of potential dates, as well as not as many people who want to "hang out" (like other single girlfriends). I do think it is super important to like the people you work with, too, so if your choice is between some program in a "cool" city but which seems like you totally wouldn't fit in or they are going to work you to death and not teach you, and another program in some rural area but that you really loved the people, you might just have to put up with a less than optimal dating life for 3 years. I do think online dating, like Match, can be helpful, but in my opinion nothing really substitutes for putting yourself in the right dating environment. For example, if you are in Fargo, ND, you had better like doing what people in Fargo, ND like to do, and you better share their values, and potentially religious beliefs, etc. Otherwise, it's going to be hard to find a good date.

But don't worry - you sound like you've got a great attitude and you'll end up fine. I just don't think people should pretend like it doesn't matter where you live, because in my experience it kind of does.

 

[danielmd06]

You will have to accept that a social life doesn't necessarily start on Thursday night with continuous drinking until Sunday afternoon. 😉

I went through the "Kubler-Ross" 5 stages of grief on this one...

To the OP:

Basically I agree with WS. Though in my defense, it's really hard for me NOT to agree with someone that uses words like "behoove" whilst posting a cat avatar with the title "cougarrific." In seriousness...

Socially, you can be just fine in residency and fellowship. Common sense will tell you that much depends on your program, your particular specialty, and your location. Dermatology will be different than General Surgery. Miami is going to be a different social scene than Rochester. Ultimately, know that you'll be fine wherever you go, and that these things have a way of working out. Really. This goes for hobbies as well as romance.

As a married guy (4 months into internship), I was not personally involved in any in-house shenanigans (not involving my wife, that is 😉), but I witnessed plenty upon plenty of inter-hospital romances. In my experience though, real residency life *usually* did not mimic the latest episodes of Jersey Shore.

Good luck.

 

[docscience]

I will be doing a medicine residency...so will be fairly busy I suppose...but not as cush as derm/rad...but not as crazy as surgery

Thanks for all the support. I have just ended things with a bf of 5 years...takes a lot of energy to get back to the normal single life and now I am freaking out about matching/internship.

I have a few programs in "cool cities" but they don't lend themselves to fellowships...a door I want to keep open. The town with the university program is only so so....average clunker college town.

Relationships/Career options/Geography ----> Decisions!......heeeellllloooo real life....you suck.

Anyone else breaking up and choosing career over a love life?? Any threads on this? Any help would be appreciated.

 

[docscience]

I will be doing a medicine residency...so will be fairly busy I suppose...but not as cush as derm/rad...but not as crazy as surgery

Thanks for all the support. I have just ended things with a bf of 5 years...takes a lot of energy to get back to the normal single life and now I am freaking out about matching/internship.

I have a few programs in "cool cities" but they don't lend themselves to fellowships...a door I want to keep open. The town with the university program is only so so....average clunker college town.

Relationships/Career options/Geography ----> Decisions!......heeeellllloooo real life....you suck.

Anyone else breaking up and choosing career over a love life?? Any threads on this? Any help would be appreciated.

Hello? Anyone in my situation above?

 

[igottaquestion]

i will be single and ready to look for a marriage partner when entering residency. singles-friendly location is definitely trumping program quality for me, but luckily i'm applying to a field where program quality isn't terribly important for fellowship or job outcomes. if i were going into medicine with the goal of doing cards or gi, i'd probably go with program quality instead. gotta do what makes you happy.

 

[jdh71]

Hello? Anyone in my situation above?

*sigh*

There is plenty of time to date and meet people in residency - at least i always make time, because Im a big fan of the ladies - especially if you train in a university setting with lots of other programs. There are residents, nurses, techs, medical students - hell go over to the local Starbucks and say hello to someone.

Might I suggest that after 5 years a little "you" time? There's a natural tendency to drift to another relationship, and quick . . . Why not concentrate on your career for a bit and let the other pieces fall into place as they are supposed to. It's been said, "wherever you go, there you are" . . . Think about it.

 

[njac]

I'm in a big city in the Midwest for residency - had a long term relationship fizzle out about a month before I got here. OKCupid was very successful for me (and free!) and helped me find a nice significant other who is another young (non-medical) professional who works just down the street from my hospital.

 

[docscience]

*sigh*

There is plenty of time to date and meet people in residency - at least i always make time, because Im a big fan of the ladies - especially if you train in a university setting with lots of other programs. There are residents, nurses, techs, medical students - hell go over to the local Starbucks and say hello to someone.

Might I suggest that after 5 years a little "you" time? There's a natural tendency to drift to another relationship, and quick . . . Why not concentrate on your career for a bit and let the other pieces fall into place as they are supposed to. It's been said, "wherever you go, there you are" . . . Think about it.

solid solid advice. it just doesn't feel good right now...lol

i guess i do need some "me" time....just making sure I will have time for a relationship in residency.

I just can't really fathom the lifestyle...feels like medical school plus more....see patients, write orders, keep up, present patients in the morning, all while studying patient diseases, studying for boards, cooking, sports/hobbies....just sounds overwhelming...

I do need to concentrate on my career for a little bit...

 

[docscience]

I'm in a big city in the Midwest for residency - had a long term relationship fizzle out about a month before I got here. OKCupid was very successful for me (and free!) and helped me find a nice significant other who is another young (non-medical) professional who works just down the street from my hospital.

wow...how did you handle the relationship fizzling out?
any tips?

 

[wannabeOBGYN]

In my experience though, real residency life *usually* did not mimic the latest episodes of Jersey Shore.

That's it. I'm dropping out of medical school right now.

 

[ChemMed]

Relationships/Career options/Geography ----> Decisions!......heeeellllloooo real life....you suck.

Anyone else breaking up and choosing career over a love life?? Any threads on this? Any help would be appreciated.

I did recently break up and I chose career over love life. Then again none of my relationships really ever turned out anyway. I was faced with the 'be bitter about it' or 'oh well, I don't have time to wait around for prince charming' attitudes.

I don't like being bitter so I gave up. Sounds bad but it has been a great decision. I no longer worry about it. I'm happier for it and I tend pay more attention to the things I really enjoy, piano, fund raising, music, wearing a bright pink bathrobe at the end of a long day and drinking a night cap watching old reruns of Star Trek. This may sound silly, but I never get tired of watching Data grow into a human personality.

Yep, I'm a geek. I also haven't given up on love. If it happens in my future then I'll be open to it. The point is that I have learned to be happy either way and I have really cute nieces I can spoil rotten to boot when I get the 'I need kids' bug. Great for me but my sisters may curse me for ruining their kids. 🙂 I'm happy to do it. Enjoy your life no matter what circumstances are before you. Life is to short to do otherwise. Good luck.

 

[njac]

wow...how did you handle the relationship fizzling out?
any tips?

it was rough for sure, but here is the perfect opportunity to go start your new life as you, not just half of a couple. So I found moving to be extremely helpful for getting that going.

I started dating as soon as I felt ready, I had a lot of first dates and quite frankly, ended up in a relationship with the first person I had a second date with. But it was a great way to see the city and eat at lots of restaurants/go to bars I might not have otherwise.

 

[docscience]

it was rough for sure, but here is the perfect opportunity to go start your new life as you, not just half of a couple. So I found moving to be extremely helpful for getting that going.

I started dating as soon as I felt ready, I had a lot of first dates and quite frankly, ended up in a relationship with the first person I had a second date with. But it was a great way to see the city and eat at lots of restaurants/go to bars I might not have otherwise.

Thanks for the feedback. I guess it is a perfect opportunity to start my new life. It just sucks to know that career/school was a big deterrent in my relationship. Seems like another sacrifice for doing medicine....sacrifice a bit of personal life also.

I don't feel like I will be able to date for a looooong time.....

 

[fleetgoddess]

.....

 

[waterbuffalo1]

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