Second draft of pharmacy essay! PLEASE HELP

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jazzjazz

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I'm trying to get into 0-6 programs like USciences, Wilkes, and St. Johns (do I have a chance at these schools?) But anyway, this the second draft of my 250 word essay about one of the pharmacist that i shadowed this summer (I also shadowed one at TJUH in Philly)...what do you guys think?

A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local pharmacist to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited many times, I’ve always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother’s long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. Soon, however, I learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that counting by five. On this particular day, a teenage boy and his parents came to the counter to pick up a prescription. I watched the pharmacist speak with family at the counter about things other than the boy’s medication, such as his upcoming soccer game. He later mentioned to me that they have been coming to the pharmacy for years trying to find a medication to ease the symptoms of his chronic condition.
Overall, I learned that working in this type of environment, the pharmacist has the ability to form relationships with his customers and that they trust him to provide them with medications to improve their quality of life. My shadowing experience at Thompson’s Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.​
 
I'm trying to get into 0-6 programs like USciences, Wilkes, and St. Johns (do I have a chance at these schools?) But anyway, this the second draft of my 250 word essay about one of the pharmacist that i shadowed this summer (I also shadowed one at TJUH in Philly)...what do you guys think?

A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local pharmacist to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited many times, I've always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother's long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. Soon, however, I learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that counting by five. On this particular day, a teenage boy and his parents came to the counter to pick up a prescription. I watched the pharmacist speak with family at the counter about things other than the boy's medication, such as his upcoming soccer game. He later mentioned to me that they have been coming to the pharmacy for years trying to find a medication to ease the symptoms of his chronic condition.
Overall, I learned that working in this type of environment, the pharmacist has the ability to form relationships with his customers and that they trust him to provide them with medications to improve their quality of life. My shadowing experience at Thompson's Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.​

Simply put, this essay contains a large amount of fluff. Second, those reading this essay will want to know how this encounter shaped you or changed your overall outlook. The story itself is not as important. If I have a little free time come up I will give a more in depth review but generally you want to stay away from cliche phrases such as "Pharmacy/medicine is the only job for me." If the phrase is likely to be in the essays of others it is not noteworthy. Remember reviewers read a ton of these. You really need to stand out from the pack. Personally, I'd say give it another shot.

If you still find yourself having troubles, I highly recommend reading Conquering the College Admissions Essay In 10 Steps by Alan Gelb.

Best wishes.
 
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