single father in residency

[kai35]

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Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone had any specific advice for me. I will be a single father when I start residency. Basically my girlfriend and I have had an unexpected pregnancy and she is not interested in raising a child, but she's against having an abortion, and she says I can have the child but she won't want to be with me. It's screwed up, I know.

But basically this means that by the time I graduate medical school, I will have 4-month old or so. I have found a lot of forums for single moms, but I haven't found anything for single dads. In general, how do residency programs help out single parents who are working such high-demand hours.

My hope is that I'll get into Minnesota, where I have a ton of close-knit family who would be thrilled to help me. But if that doesn't happen, I need to figure out a plan.

Giving the child up for adoption is not an option. Don't even recommend it, please.

Thanks in advance.

~P

 

[McGillGrad]

If no one is there to take care of it, it will be removed by the state. You might want to reconsider adoption because you have no other choice.

 

[Winged Scapula]

If no one is there to take care of it, it will be removed by the state. You might want to reconsider adoption because you have no other choice.

That was helpful *and* kind.

Disclaimer: I do not have children.

I am confused. If you are an MS-3 graduating in 2012 (or 18 months from now), why would you have a 4 month old at the time of start of residency? Last time I check human gestation is 9 months in length. So I'm thinking the child would be a little older, but it doens't make much difference in my answer below.

Wouldn't most of the issues single mothers face be the same ones that single fathers face, ie, childcare while working full time? Outside of strictly female issues, I think the problems single PARENTS face are universal regardless of gender.

There are certainly more family friendly specialties and more family friendly programs. As others have discussed here and elsewhere, being close to family that can provide *some* childcare while you work full-time (which will continue after residency as well) is key. Thus, yes...matching into a program where you have a safety net is highly desirable.

Secondly, some programs have on-site child care which makes it easier to drop off/pick up your child. You'll have to do some asking around and checking program data to find which ones would be available and open the hours of residency. Many SDNers have found nannies to be the best option.

Relatively call free specialties are also desirable, IF in a specialty you find interesting.

Does your GF have a job? If so, she should be legally responsible for assisting you with child care costs. You may have to seek legal advice about this, but even if she isn't interested in raising the child, that doesn't mean she doesn't have to contribute to its upbringing financially. Even a small amount awarded to you will help.

If you don't match into a program close to home, you might inquire as to what sort of support your parents/family can offer. Its not desirable, but are they willing to raise your child while you are in residency or on call/hour intensive months? I think you need to discuss the possibility with them that you won't match near home and have an HONEST talk with them. What do they see as a reasonable option? Is that a reasonable option for you? Its not for many parents, and of course, may depend on how far away you are in residency.

Finally, most women love men with children, so you may find yourself more attractive to your classmates. Try and pick someone with good income potential. 😉

Best of luck.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

WS, as usual, has summarized the situation well.

To cut to the chase, a live-in child care helper is going to be your best option. If the child will be only 4 months old, he/she will not qualify for many childcare options. Your hours are likely to be atypical -- not any child care centers allow you to drop off at 6AM and pick up at 8PM, and your colleagues will not be pleased if you have to leave early to pick up your child. Plus, if you child is ill you usually cannot drop them off at child care. And, you'll probably be working some, if not lots, of weekends.

Live-in nanny or live-with parents/family will keep you sane. Anything else is likely to cause chaos/stress in your life.

 

[kai35]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the advice. Yeah, I totally miscalculated how old the child would be. I graduate in 2012 and just figured how old the child would be at the beginning of 2012 and not in July 2012 when I start residency. So actually he/she should be closer to 9 or 10 months old by then.

Anyway, I think the best option would be to have my parents raise the child while I'm in residency. I am either doing Emergency Medicine or Pediatrics, so it'll only be 3 years, and I am applying for as many close residency programs to Minnesota as I can.

Hopefully though I'll just get into MN though and there won't be anything to worry about!

~P

 

[Gastrapathy]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the advice. Yeah, I totally miscalculated how old the child would be. I graduate in 2012 and just figured how old the child would be at the beginning of 2012 and not in July 2012 when I start residency. So actually he/she should be closer to 9 or 10 months old by then.

Anyway, I think the best option would be to have my parents raise the child while I'm in residency. I am either doing Emergency Medicine or Pediatrics, so it'll only be 3 years, and I am applying for as many close residency programs to Minnesota as I can.

Hopefully though I'll just get into MN though and there won't be anything to worry about!

~P

1. Avoid discussing your girlfriend's financial responsibilities. She could retaliate by aborting. Once the child is born, she may also have a different view of her role. You need to be prepared for the possibility that she will bond with the baby and not want to give it up. The mother has all the power here. You might be off to Minnesota alone while the baby stays with her (and you are left to pay child support). You need an adoption attorney and to start the process of mutually removing her parental rights (and responsibilities) before birth.

2. Au pairs are an excellent cost-effective option for someone with an unpredictable schedule. Even if you move close to family, you will probably need both.

3. EM is far more flexible than Peds and you work fewer, but higher intensity, hours.

4. Find another woman. Now, before life swallows you whole.

 

[BigRedBeta]

While Peds hours are less flexible, it's far more likely to be "family friendly" than EM. And EM requires some wards and ICU months in which your work schedule will be extremely different than your standard EM months. That massive shift may cause a greater burden and be more disruptive than if your schedule is consistently busy. I don't have kids, but from what I've heard from my fellow peds residents who do, is that it's WAY easier to cut back on childcare needs for a month then to find additional care for a month. Additionally, peds programs are typically larger than EM programs, which means they're likely more readily able to cover the inevitable days in which you have to call in to take care of your sick child.


Make sure that this is a major topic of conversation when you begin interviewing next year.

 

[peppy]

Once the child is born, she may also have a different view of her role. You need to be prepared for the possibility that she will bond with the baby and not want to give it up. The mother has all the power here. You might be off to Minnesota alone while the baby stays with her (and you are left to pay child support). You need an adoption attorney and to start the process of mutually removing her parental rights (and responsibilities) before birth.

I agree that there is a pretty high chance that the mom will change her mind and want to be involved with the child by the time the child is born. For better or worse, you should be anticipating this could happen and decide what you want to do about it.

If things do work out that you are the sole custody parent then I do commend you for wanting to do the right thing for the child. It might be worthwhile to ask on the Peds/EM forums about whcih specific midwest programs are supportive of single parents or have good childcare benefits so you can target them for away rotations and such.
Good luck with all this!

 

[dpmd]

I have no real advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are in this situation and am glad you are trying to step up to the plate. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a single parent of any gender (the only difference I can really see,besides the fact that you won't be breastfeeding and trying to figure out how to work that in, is that the world may not be as used to single dads so the support set up may not be geared to you-support groups, carpool for activities when the kid is older, I don't know what else).

There was another thread where someone was asking about getting a puppy during intern year and the idea was resoundingly shot down because no one felt it could be done without neglecting the puppy. I imagine a kid is going to be even more work, and the psychological issues that may arise from being raised by someone else then returning to you after residency (even if it is just guilt on your part and the kid doesn't notice anything) should not be overlooked. I hope you are able to come up with a situation that feels right to you and meets the child's best interests.

 

[SeekerOfTheTree]

I am sorry about your situation. I know it has to suck. I have a kid and I drop him off at daycare. Have you thought about daycare? Maybe I just missed that but they take kids in as young as 6 weeks.

 

[Winged Scapula]

I am sorry about your situation. I know it has to suck. I have a kid and I drop him off at daycare. Have you thought about daycare? Maybe I just missed that but they take kids in as young as 6 weeks.

The problem with *most* daycare is that they aren't open the hours he may need to work during residency, let alone overnight call. That is why many residents find that a live in nanny or family is the best option.

 

[Jeff Smoker]

Lesson here, kids, as always...

WRAP. IT. UP

 

[Substance]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone had any specific advice for me. I will be a single father when I start residency. Basically my girlfriend and I have had an unexpected pregnancy and she is not interested in raising a child, but she's against having an abortion, and she says I can have the child but she won't want to be with me. It's screwed up, I know.

But basically this means that by the time I graduate medical school, I will have 4-month old or so. I have found a lot of forums for single moms, but I haven't found anything for single dads. In general, how do residency programs help out single parents who are working such high-demand hours.

My hope is that I'll get into Minnesota, where I have a ton of close-knit family who would be thrilled to help me. But if that doesn't happen, I need to figure out a plan.

Giving the child up for adoption is not an option. Don't even recommend it, please.

Thanks in advance.

~P

Being a single father is tough. Media and social bias is in favor of single mothers, whereas single fathers are sometimes met with scorn for "taking the kids away from their mother".

Your girlfriend is immature and selfish. That's all there is to it. She would rather pop out a kid and throw it on you and leave you to care for it than help you raise it or abort or consider adoption or anything else that would help you carry the load.

You're life has become Eraserhead.

Anyway, she cannot be forced to have an abortion. So, if she wants to make sure you have the kid and she leaves for good, you need to get a lawyer that specializes in custody to finalize and legalize her forfeiting of any rights over the kid to you, and to relinquish any support that you are culpable for if she decides later on to go joint custody(for your MD money, of course).

Then, if child rearing is too much for you to handle, you need to get an adoption lawyer to figure out how to set up that process without requiring the mother's opinion or good graces so that she can't just reclaim custody to bathe in your child support payments.

This is a tough situation. Raising a kid on your own in a gruelling residency (ie all that are not path, derm, ophtho) is going to be damn near impossible. Start the process now.


And to all you kids out there: try to have the talk with your girlfriends about what you would do IF there was an accidental pregnancy. I personally will never date anyone who would not abort, since I never want children.

 

[kai35]

Lesson here, kids, as always...

WRAP. IT. UP

I'm going to ignore your self-fulfilling condescension. You have no idea what the situation is/was, and this wasn't some cheap random hook-up.

 

[kai35]

Being a single father is tough. Media and social bias is in favor of single mothers, whereas single fathers are sometimes met with scorn for "taking the kids away from their mother".

Your girlfriend is immature and selfish. That's all there is to it. She would rather pop out a kid and throw it on you and leave you to care for it than help you raise it or abort or consider adoption or anything else that would help you carry the load.

You're life has become Eraserhead.

Anyway, she cannot be forced to have an abortion. So, if she wants to make sure you have the kid and she leaves for good, you need to get a lawyer that specializes in custody to finalize and legalize her forfeiting of any rights over the kid to you, and to relinquish any support that you are culpable for if she decides later on to go joint custody(for your MD money, of course).

Then, if child rearing is too much for you to handle, you need to get an adoption lawyer to figure out how to set up that process without requiring the mother's opinion or good graces so that she can't just reclaim custody to bathe in your child support payments.

This is a tough situation. Raising a kid on your own in a gruelling residency (ie all that are not path, derm, ophtho) is going to be damn near impossible. Start the process now.


And to all you kids out there: try to have the talk with your girlfriends about what you would do IF there was an accidental pregnancy. I personally will never date anyone who would not abort, since I never want children.

Thanks for the advice. Again, adoption is not an option nor a necessity. My parents have already said they are more than willing to raise the child while I'm in residency if I am not going to be in Minnesota. My parents are 44-year-old emptynesters, and we live in a multigenerational household with my grandparents living at home, too. So there would be plenty of loving souls to take care of the child if I'm not there.

When I'm done with residency and the child is 3 going on 4, daycare becomes a much more feasible option.

I have a different stance on abortion from a medical/spiritual/political/etc standpoint and I urged my girlfriend not to have an abortion, which she says she wouldn't do anyway. She's not really throwing anything at me. I think she would prefer to give the child up for adoption. But I will not stand for that, at all.

 

[kai35]

In case anyone continues to read this. I'm not asking for specific legal advice or advice on childcare. I already have that sorted out, really. What I'm asking for on this website is specific things I should look for in EM residency programs that might deem one more "family friendly" over another. I know that sounds weird, but with the dozens and dozens of programs out there, I'm sure there's a lot of variability.

 

[shopsteward]

The good news is that you have family who are prepared to be involved.

The bad news is that if you are single and working full-time (or more, in residency), then you will not be the main carer for your child for the period of your residency. The time required for your job, for commuting, for eating and sleeping and keeping your home in order, means that the time you have for your child will be far less than the time needed to be its main carer (this is in itself pretty close to being a full-time job, in case you hadn't heard). Unless you have more financial resources than most and live with a network of supportive and self-sacrificing people, I think you need to accept that someone else, hopefully in your case your parents or other extended family, will be the child's main carer for the period of your residency.

Once you have finished residency, you should have all sorts of options about working and financial arrangements which will change the situation completely.

As to the arrangements you do make, you need to make sure that they are robust. The big problems with working and childcare arise when something goes wrong with the routine arrangements (you have to work unexpectedly, or the child or its main carer is ill, or the nursery shuts, or whatever) and there are insufficient back-up arrangements. So whatever you do, you should always try to have two different back-up options to hand. Unfortunately, having these back-up arrangements on hand takes time, commitment and money.

One final thing. Having someone else in your family as the child's main carer for a few years, with you having what contact you can, will do it no harm at all. And once you are qualified as a doctor, the options for both you and your child open right up. So don't make the mistake of thinking that your residency has to be in Minnesota or nowhere, or that you should go into a specialty you don't like because it has a shorter residency. In this situation, what is best for you is also highly likely to be best for your child. Good luck.

 

[Winged Scapula]

In case anyone continues to read this. I'm not asking for specific legal advice or advice on childcare. I already have that sorted out, really. What I'm asking for on this website is specific things I should look for in EM residency programs that might deem one more "family friendly" over another. I know that sounds weird, but with the dozens and dozens of programs out there, I'm sure there's a lot of variability.

Some things to consider regardless of specialty:

1) how are vacations organized - 1 month BLOCK for the entire year, or can you separate them out in 3-4 week long blocks

2) how many off service rotations are there, and what are the call schedules

3) how are holidays managed; drawing straws, interns always work them, etc?

4) how many residents are married with children

 

[surg]

It's a tough situation for sure:
Things to look for: [not an EM person, but my thoughts on kids and residency

1) Schedule flexibility
Being able to choose your vacation time and in EM, your shift schedule is huge. You will find that child care is easiest to handle when your schedule is predictable (e.g. you do blocks of the same schedule at a time, such as days for a stretch, then nights for a stretch, not day then night then day then night, etc.)

Being able to schedule some of your call intensive months when you can get the most help (perhaps even bringing the child to your parents then) may be the most beneficial. May be helpful to do those all at once or to break them up depending on your parents' situation.

2) Having others in the same boat: perhaps not single parenting, but a program with young kids is always going to provide a slightly better support system for others with kids as they will have already scouted out day care/schools/baby sitters/etc. Sometimes you can use other parents as well in emergencies to baby sit (easier, since their home is already baby-proofed and stocked with toys and stuff).

3) Look for a town with day care that is close (or even on-site); Also one that you can affordably live close to your hospital without being in danger. You will have many times where cutting your commute down by a few minutes makes a difference at the beginning or the end of the day.

4) You might also want to consider a bigger program. Small programs, while providing lots of personal attention on the one hand, are often more strapped for residents, meaning that the schedules are harder to massage when someone needs an exception.

5) Nice people. Can't emphasize this enough. You are going to sometimes inconvenience your colleagues because of your kid. Guaranteed. Whether it is having to unexpected leave a shift because your child got bit by another in daycare or having to find time to take your kid for their well-baby checks/shots/etc. you are going to be cause of occasional schedule mayhem. It would be nice if everyone was nice about it, even when you basically hose them sometimes.

6) Close to family/support network. goes without saying. But don't discount extended family or friends that you can depend on (usually non-medical friends) that might be able to help you out in a pinch when your patient crashes 15 minutes before your shift ends. While you will make some wherever you move, it's nice to have a few when you start.

 

[dragonfly99]

You won't be the only parent in your program, but may be the only single parent.

It would really help to have your family in town, in which case I don't think it would be necessary to take the step of having someone take your kid full time (though several days at a time during certain months would be likely). It seems like your parents are super young and want to be involved, so that would probably be a good option.

I agree w/the comment above about picking a place with nice people. Some places, people are more just out for themselves or the place is just super busy and with super ambitious attendings and residents (career-wise) who aren't going to cut you ANY slack, no matter what the reason. Other places, people are more chill. Honestly I don't think it matters much to do your residency at a "famous" place anyway, unless you want to be a basic science researcher or dept. chair at some place like that eventually. Most residencies will provide decent training in ER or peds, as long as you don't see major red flags at the interview or hear bad things about the place.

ER interns have to do quite a few off service rotations like ICU, I think trauma surg and/or ortho, which will probably be time consuming. I don't think you would be able to (alone) keep a baby during those times. Of course, this may hold true during a large number of ward and ICU months during pediatrics intern year. Residency hours and number of call shifts tend to get better year after year in residency, unless you are doing surgery. I think that you won't have to give up keeping your kid for the entire residency (unless you want to) but probably during intern year would be good to let your parents keep him if you can...

 

[NotAProgDirector]

This is probably obvious, but your best choice is the program that is closest to your parents. There are only three ER programs in Minnesota -- two in St Paul/Minneapolis, and one in Rochester. Your best chance of spending quality time with your child is having him/her close at hand.

 

[cali-ob]

If no one is there to take care of it, it will be removed by the state. You might want to reconsider adoption because you have no other choice.

did you seriously just write that? WTH?

 

[michigangirl]

I hate to say it, but not only is it the best choice--- it's your only choice. If you want to get through residency happy and not feeling constantly guilty, it's imperative that your child be around family members while you are going through crazy hours and shifts-- not only will you feel supported and not alone, your child will constantly be surrounded with love. And your parents and grandparents will have such a wonderful gift-- as empty nesters, if they are in good health and have the energy to take care of a baby-- nothing would make them happier. Just imagine living far away from your family, say a flight's distance-- just coordinating when you're going to go home and see your family, when they are going to come see you, it takes a lot of time and organization to coordinate that- and frankly, it's a pain (my parents and in-laws are a flights distance away) Even if you have your son/daughter go to daycare during the day, it would be wonderful to have your parents there to pick up/drop off when you can't, or when you get stuck at work, or if you need a much deserved night out once in a blue moon.

My children go to daycare, but only because my husband's job is rarely outside of 7 a.m.-6 p.m.-- there are weeks where I don't see my daughter but two hours the whole week when I'm on service in the unit, but I'm ok with it because my husband is there.

The other option, which is probably more complicated, is if your family is willing to move wherever you match. But I do feel strongly that it is imperative for you to have family support-- residency is stressful, and having a baby is stressful, and it's all very stressful even when you have the appropriate support around. You DO want to enjoy the process of being a father-- it's the most important thing you'll ever do. match where your family is-- you will be happy, I promise. good luck.🙂

This is probably obvious, but your best choice is the program that is closest to your parents. There are only three ER programs in Minnesota -- two in St Paul/Minneapolis, and one in Rochester. Your best chance of spending quality time with your child is having him/her close at hand.

 

[DrMed2009]

And to all you kids out there: try to have the talk with your girlfriends about what you would do IF there was an accidental pregnancy. I personally will never date anyone who would not abort, since I never want children.

Dang, what a selfish idiot you are..."I wouldn't want to date someone who doesnt wnat an abortion" The view might change. Your girlfriend might not want one when yall start dating but maybe later. You should think about taking care of protection but accidents happen. Maybe it would be better for you and the society to get a vasectomy since you don't want kids anyways and you are so certain about it. At least that way you wouldn't have to put your girlfriend through a abortion if something happens!
I have a good friend who got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 19. He is usually very responsible person. Anyways, he was for an abortion. They did and in the end he now regrets it so badly.

 

[peppy]

Dang, what a selfish idiot you are..."I wouldn't want to date someone who doesnt wnat an abortion" The view might change. Your girlfriend might not want one when yall start dating but maybe later. You should think about taking care of protection but accidents happen. Maybe it would be better for you and the society to get a vasectomy since you don't want kids anyways and you are so certain about it. At least that way you wouldn't have to put your girlfriend through a abortion if something happens!
I have a good friend who got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 19. He is usually very responsible person. Anyways, he was for an abortion. They did and in the end he now regrets it so badly.

Not to mention that it would be really easy for a woman with bad intentions to SAY she would have an abortion but actually intend all along to have a kid so she can hit up THE DOCTOR for child support. In general, guys really should be careful about putting their reproductive fate in women's hands.

 

[michaelrack]

I think this thread has about out-lived it's usefulness.