so far, residency has been lonely

[Fabio]

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Hate to post a downer thread, but . . .

I am feeling totally isolated and lonely during residency. I am in a "boy's club" where every day we are rounding together, all the guys pat each other on the butts and share inside jokes, talk about what they did over the weekend . . . all the while I am literally standing on the outside of the circle wondering who I am as a physician. I am trying to gain competence and confidence as a physician, but so far I feel like I need some support early on and am not getting it from anyone on the team (attendings and residents included.) Everyone else is all jokey with each other, but with me, it's like they answer my question very matter-of-factly and politely and move on. I feel like I'm drowning, and it's very much a fend-for-yourself attitude around here. Everyone else on the team - even the other interns - seem to have it so much more together than me, in terms of knowledge base and organization. I don't feel like my senior residents have any confidence in me - they seem to leave the others to do their job, but are constantly looking over my shoulder.

Nothing against the guys, of course - I'm sure they are all decent people. I don't think I am a depressing or boring person, but maybe my desire to learn to be efficient/get the job done/learn about the patients/ learn a new system has made me seem anal, and my refusal to play the same butt-kissing game with each other has made me seem aloof.

I don't question my choice of residency at all. I guess I'm just off to a sluggish start and was expecting to make more friends and really be excited about everything . . . ah well.

 

[MacGyver]

the guys pat each other on the butts??? what the hell kinda program are they running over there?

I assume you are female. What type of residency is it?

 

[Febrifuge]

I'm not a resident, but I'm in a position to observe them. And I know some stuff about small-group dynamics. I hope it's okay if I jump in a little.

Just from your description, it's impossible to say for sure, but it could be that the others are having their own version of your experience. It's fairly likely that just as you view them as a tightly-knit group that is comfortable and on top of everything while you stand there feeling lost, they could be viewing you as the one person there who's actually making strides in the battle to become capable, professional, and confident, while they sweat and flounder and make jokes. The businesslike way in which they deal with you may be the way they believe you wish to interact, and it may be a signal of their respect for what they see as your preference.

And hey, they're residents too. They're in, if not the same boat, then the same river. Maybe they feel as you do about the larger picture, and the struggle to become more competent, confident, and capable. Are they slapping each other on the ass in a display of solidarity and triumph, or in mutual understanding that they feel like losers and want to shore each other up? Or both? The reason (American) football players pound on one another's helmets and do the ass-pat thing on the field is celebration, sure, but it's also done as a show of sympathy and encouragement.

Maybe it's as simple as gender roles; if they're all guys, especially ones with team athletic experience they've been in group situations before where things are getting tough and they need to band together and dig in. God knows enough med students are also jocks, or former jocks. There's a whole behavioral psych catalog that goes with that.

And try not to think of your interactions with your classmates/ peers as 'butt-kissing.' There's a lot to be said for making things easier on your teammates, and contributing to an environment where everyone can relax just enough to be at their best. There was probably a 'no patting on the butt' talk at orientation, but a well-timed remark or a nice gesture can indicate that you're with them, not against them. I predict that would help a lot.

 

[NaeBlis]

the guys pat each other on the butts??? what the hell kinda program are they running over there?

I assume you are female. What type of residency is it?

I dunno, girls don't usually have this problem, male residents are always all over any chick around them, even those who aren't all that attractive get a fair bit of attention.

to the OP

Honestly after reading you post I got a wierd vibe that made me think of clinical depression, might not be a bad idea to talk to someone. Anyway, most large residency programs and some kind of counseler set up to help stressed out residents, u could try that. If I am reading too much into the post, sorry.

 

[skiz knot]

the guys pat each other on the butts??? what the hell kinda program are they running over there?

Proctology perhaps?

 

[Cassidy61]

sounds like every ortho program that i have been around including my own!! nothing like a good ass patting!! hang in there.

 

[DrIng]

I have to agree that talking with someone is a good idea but on the other hand to an extent everyone goes through it but it helps to have supportive poeple around. I know I wouldn't have got through some days without a kind colleague buying me a chocolate and caramel slice- so consider this an e-chococaramel slice. It's tough feeling isolated but you'll get through it, try to get enough sleep, eat chocolate, find someone's shoulder to cry on. Keep your chin up.

 

[oldbearprofessor]

Fabio - I sent you a PM, but some of the issues you raised are general and I think a general response is worthwhile. First, it is very common to be disappointed early in residency both with your job and your friends. I think it's easy to expect that once we graduate from medical school we'll be held in high esteem and respected, but sometimes it doesn't work that way. After all, the senior residents and attendings are well aware that this is your first month as a "doctor" and may treat you more as a medical student than as a "doctor".

Also, often in medical school, students don't get much experience doing things like lumbar punctures or placing IV's, especially in little kids. It's easy for someone to fail at a procedure and get a reputation as being not very good or to get down on themselves.

If you are at a different institution than where you went to medical school, this can be worse as you aren't a known quantity and your training in managing even common problems may have been quite different than what is done where you are now.

The good news is that things usually get better after a while. You'll meet more faculty, staff and other residents, get better at procedures and understanding the system, and hopefully meet with people with similar professional (career) interests.

In terms of personal life, internship is usually pretty unfun anywhere. Working 80 hours/ week or more isn't conducive to making new friends. Since you aren't in school, there are less structured social activities so most of your interactions may occur at the hospital, hardly the place to shine personally for new interns.

Ultimately, if things don't improve, it's time to sit down with the program director, and ask for a performance evaluation. Do this sooner (like fall of your internship) not later. Ask for specific feedback and ways to improve your performance. If you feel comfortable with specific attendings (and possibly senior residents) do the same with them. If not, stick with the program director, read your evaluations with them and take it from there.

good luck

Regards

"oldbear professor"

 

[Bobblehead]

Get out of your apartment at the end of the day. You may end up being dead tired while out but at least you'll be out instead of simply crawling into bed at the end of the day (which you may end up having to do every so often).

I assume you've just started residency and I'll remind you that it's the beginning of July. Everyone is on the same part of the learning curve right now. It's likely others in your group are having the same self-doubts as you are. They're just not showing it as you are likely not showing it to the group. Ask yourself though, would you after 1-2 weeks of residency rather have someone looking over your shoulder or not?

 

[Blade28]

I'm also curious what type of residency the OP is in.

Do you have other friends or a social support group in your area? Are you far away from home? Do you have people you can hang out with, vent to, etc. on your days off? Any hobbies or favorite activities that you can do to blow off steam?

 

[DR]

I agree with McGyver=>what the hell?! They pat each other's asses???!! What sort of freaky-deaky homoerotic program are you in? Unless you mean 'figuratively' patting each other on the butt, if they are actually patting each others' butts...then, um, I don't know, that's strange.

 

[Febrifuge]

[pat pat pat]

"Say, Bill, are you using fabric softener with those scrubs?"

"Why yes, The Todd, I am. And if I'm not mistaken, I do believe you have buns of steel!"

"Thanks for noticing, dude! High five!"

 

[Foxxy Cleopatra]

I felt similarly to you last year as I'm in a program with less than 20% women. The guys are decent to me, however, I realize that I'll never be one of the old boys. While the guys either had female nurses flocking over them or had wives (& kids) that befriended one another (in other words, things that drew them together) I felt like I didn't exactly fit into either situation.

Look for some friends outside of the hospital- don't expect all of your happiness/fulfillment to come from residency alone.

Feel free to PM me if you like.

 

[Hop Toad]

This may sound silly, but nothing ventured nothing gained...

If you just sit home and go to the hospital you will never make new friends. You should try attending a singles event in your city. There are companies like HurryDate that have "events" where you meet at least 25 members of the opposite sex for 25 three minute dates. I have seen many shows on TV about these parties and it looks like fun. Speed dating does not commit you to any long evening. You may not know if you want to marry someone in 3 minutes but you will know if you'd like to see them again. The best part is that you will meet other people of your sex (m/f?) that are trying to meet new people and make new friends. There are several of these companies, but try HurryDate.com and see if they are in your city. If nothing else it's a fun night out and you won't be feeling so powerless about meeting people. Who does not want to meet a single doctor?

 

[TulaneKid24]

This may sound silly, but nothing ventured nothing gained...

If you just sit home and go to the hospital you will never make new friends. You should try attending a singles event in your city. There are companies like HurryDate that have "events" where you meet at least 25 members of the opposite sex for 25 three minute dates. I have seen many shows on TV about these parties and it looks like fun. Speed dating does not commit you to any long evening. You may not know if you want to marry someone in 3 minutes but you will know if you'd like to see them again. The best part is that you will meet other people of your sex (m/f?) that are trying to meet new people and make new friends. There are several of these companies, but try HurryDate.com and see if they are in your city. If nothing else it's a fun night out and you won't be feeling so powerless about meeting people. Who does not want to meet a single doctor?

Hey, Hop Toad! How are things going at U. Penn?

 

[Goober]

Umm if guys probably don't want to pat you on the butt or joke around with you because it can be construed as sexual harrassment. I remember during my residency orientation we had this lawyer come in and give speech to us about what we could not do: no touching, no jokes with even the slightest sexual innuendo, no comments about a women's appearance and basically told the everybody there to act completely professional around women. He then gave us a story about how this resident's career was essentially ruined after he was accused of sexual harrassment.

So we all pretty much did what he said.

 

[fourthyear]

There might be something to what goober said. At first in my mostly male program it seemed the guys were more buddy-buddy with each other than they were with me. Strange thing is it was the married guys that were more friendly and talkative with me at first. I think it might have been that some of the single guys didn't want to be too extra friendly and have it be misconstrued as flirting or something. After a year has gone by, I feel I know everyone better and fit in well. It just took a while for them all to figure out if I'd be cool with thier male sense of humor or not - and sometimes I'm not and I'll tell them if they're being gross, but it's more like a brother/sister friendliness that I do this, not like I'm accusing them of being innappropriate or offending to me.

I think the original poster is being to hard on herself. I am sure the other interns don't feel like they have it all together like you think they do - every intern struggles to figure out how to do the job efficiently. If you really do think they have some better organization skills, you might as them (or better yet some senior residents on the team) for some pointers and strategies you can use. I'm sure they'd be happy to help - they'd probably be flattered you admire their organizational skills, and if they can help you do your job better, the whole team will run more smoothly. It may seem that no one cares about helping you do better, but they may have no idea you feel you need help. Don't worry about seeming weak to ask for help in how to do your job better - we're all a bunch of overacheivers and most residents would sympathize with the desire to do a better job and look for suggestions on how to do it.