Socially awkward with lab members?

[ninetynine]

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I always feel really socially awkward in lab gatherings. It's not that I usually have a hard time carrying on a conversation, or that I'm shy. With my group of friends, I'm always talkative and I'm always the person who brings all my friends together and organizes fun and events.

In lab, however, I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against a wall. Maybe it's the fact that all my lab members are male 30+ middle-aged engineers who were probably socially awkward to begin with, and I'm the only girl. It's hard to relate to them or find things to talk about, as much as I try.

Being the lowest on the totem pole, I was constantly singled out and publically criticized (emails from the professors criticizing me cc'ing the whole lab, writing in caps, exclamation points)... people here constantly point out my status with subtle comments (we're driving somewhere, and a postdoc gets in the backseat. the staff scientist driving says, "why are you gettnig in the backseat? that's for postbacs!!" Or, in a recent conversation: "who took my chair?" "Blame it on the lowest person in the room!" "oh, maybe the grad student... no wait! The undergrad! (points at me)" There are plenty of other examples...

I don't really mind being put down constantly, perhaps that's just part of being young. Still, the constant scrutiny, gender bias, and criticism, along with simply not having anything to talk about (it's hard for a 20 year-old girl to relate to a middle-aged man) makes things really awkward and unpleasant.

I'm not writing to complain, but to find solutions. I genuinely want to build positive connections with people and minimize social awkwardness. Does anyone else have similar problems? How do you address the issue of connecting with your lab members and building positive relationships when it's not always easy to do so?

I also find it important to self-reflect... is there something I'm possibly missing?

 

[Slowpoke]

These scenarios you are describing sound like sarcastic humor. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are over analyzing this?

 

[EBTrailRunner]

These scenarios you are describing sound like sarcastic humor. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are over analyzing this?

This. Approach everything with a good sense of humor. In the end, who cares if you're not best buds with your fellow lab members?

 

[ninetynine]

These scenarios you are describing sound like sarcastic humor. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are over analyzing this?

Yes, maybe I am. The jokes were rude, but maybe just sarcastic humor. I still feel like we have nothing to talk about though. I feel awkward when we all go for a walk somewhere and I have nothing to say...

Our lunch conversations are always about - neutrinos (omg!), the new infrared type of stove and how cool it is, or esoteric physics topics I don't understand, and conversations I can't participate in. I stopped showing up to lunch because I can never participate in the conversation and nobody tries to include me. Then, the one other postbac in my lab never talks at lunch either. It's just awkward for both of us but nobody seems to notice (or maybe they dont care).

 

[Ebola4Breakfast]

These scenarios you are describing sound like sarcastic humor. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are over analyzing this?

+1; It sounds a lot like the normal banter and teasing that goes on in most labs to me. That's what makes working in labs fun, dude. I wouldn't stress about it. Loosen up a little. It's harmless. Learning to laugh at yourself is probably the best lesson you will ever learn.

 

[sliceofbread136]

Have you ever had a job? Workplace politics can take some getting used to.

 

[Ebola4Breakfast]

Yes, maybe I am. The jokes were rude, but maybe just sarcastic humor. I still feel like we have nothing to talk about though. I feel awkward when we all go for a walk somewhere and I have nothing to say...

Our lunch conversations are always about - neutrinos (omg!), the new infrared type of stove and how cool it is, or esoteric physics topics I don't understand, and conversations I can't participate in. I stopped showing up to lunch because I can never participate in the conversation and nobody tries to include me. Then, the one other postbac in my lab never talks at lunch either. It's just awkward for both of us but nobody seems to notice (or maybe they dont care).

These guys sound like they REALLY like what they do. Here's a tip. Those kinds of people generally LOVE to teach others. Ask questions. Engage them. If you don't understand something, ask them to explain it. You might find that if you put forth some effort to understand the subject and seem like you care about what is their life (their research efforts), they'll begin to include you more.

 

[tantacles]

Sounds like sexual tension is the true issue at hand... 😛

Also, didn't your mom tell you in grade school that when boys pick on you it means that they like like you?

I hope they don't steal my shield, then. I paid a whole pouchload of rupees for it, and I don't want to have to replace it.

 

[Slowpoke]

These guys sound like they REALLY like what they do. Here's a tip. Those kinds of people generally LOVE to teach others. Ask questions. Engage them. If you don't understand something, ask them to explain it. You might find that if you put forth some effort to understand the subject and seem like you care about what is their life (their research efforts), they'll begin to include you more.

👍 for comment

👍 for username, haha

 

[ninetynine]

These guys sound like they REALLY like what they do. Here's a tip. Those kinds of people generally LOVE to teach others. Ask questions. Engage them. If you don't understand something, ask them to explain it. You might find that if you put forth some effort to understand the subject and seem like you care about what is their life (their research efforts), they'll begin to include you more.

Thanks... great advice, you're right, I guess it's all about just putting myself out there and mixing it up a bit. I'm just not used to being the outsider and chilling with groups of men who all know each other well where the median age is 20 years older than me.

In other workplace situations, it was easier. The older people were distant superiors, and kept their distance. My peers were my age. Here, everyone's good friends and I'm new and inexperienced and different on every level.

Has anyone else had this problem? I'd be interested in hearing your experiences!

 

[xXIDaShizIXx]

I think it is sarcasm as well. I come off sounding like an @$$ myself when joking with people I already know, but once people get to know me they know its just a dry sense of humor. However, if you haven't noticed not everyone will be your friend and think about how you come off to the people in question as well. Sometimes when you do not say much, strangers will think that you think you are better than them.

 

[jf1987]

 

[Mesmer]

Relating too middle age peers isn't that hard. A lot of my friends are 40+, it's just about treating them like anyone else

 

[Ebola4Breakfast]

👍 for comment

👍 for username, haha

Thanks

 

[tantacles]

👍 for comment

👍 for username, haha

Speaking of awesome usernames . . .

 

[Slowpoke]

Speaking of awesome usernames . . .

haha, tantacles, you da man.

You must matriculate to Jefferson.

 

[StoicJosher]

Relating too middle age peers isn't that hard. A lot of my friends are 40+, it's just about treating them like anyone else

👍

I rarely hang out with people my age - most of my friends are at least 10 years older than me. Of course, sometimes, I don't get references from a decade before I was born but it is not too hard relating to them. Just ask questions, engage them and you will soon start getting into the group. Also, try to engage that one guy you mentioned was not talking either.

 

[tantacles]

haha, tantacles, you da man.

You must matriculate to Jefferson.

I'm trying. Put in a good word? After the last 50 page e-mail I sent Drs. Callahan and Brooks, they probably want to kill me.