Stupid rant that I need to have

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You really need to practice some self-care. Focusing 100% on work is going to leave you feeling burnt out and/or compassion fatigue. Especially if you're pretending to be cheerful all the time and bottling it all up. You don't have to date, but I really think meeting some new people will help you get out of your head, so find something (preferably non-medicine related) you're passionate about or a hobby you've always wanted to try (archery, foster kittens, etc).

I'm also going to add your ex was a piece of ****. You deserve way better than that. You deserve someone that sees and appreciates your sacrifices, dedication, and compassion and doesn't hold them against you. Someone who appreciates all of you, not only the "fun" parts. You are worthy of love and support. You matter and you are making significant contributions to better the world everyday. You deserve happiness. It's tough right now, but hang in there. If you need anyone to talk to, you can message me. Practice that self-care.
 
Thanks for writing out that incredibly personal story. You sound like a good person with high expectations for yourself and it's hard being burned by someone you loved and trusted. There are a lot of symptoms of depression in your post and I would definitely encourage you to see a counselor if you haven't done so yet.

The good news is you're a fourth year and you will have time this year to recover your energy and drive this year. You have internship to look forward to which will be a completely fresh start. Make it a goal to practice self-care, get help and get your head on straight before starting internship and you will bounce right back to be the caring, high achieving person you've always been.
 
I just wanted to add that you sound like a wonderful and passionate person. Sometimes life throws curve balls and it's really hard to see when going through it, but in having time to focus on yourself, you may give yourself the time and opportunity to find those things in life that really matter to you, and that continue to drive you and give you a sense of purpose. You may feel like you won't achieve this, but merely surviving through time exposes you to a variety of life experiences that can ignite a spark or change how you look at things. Looking back, going through some of these trials in my own life exposed me to people and issues that now matter so much to me. You are intelligent and successful. You seem kind hearted, and open to being loved, although perfectly in possession of the motivation and intellectual resources to create your own joy. I hope you'll love yourself too, and realize that your life is just starting!

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To be honest, if someone is going to just abruptly leave you like that, without any regard for you or your feelings, you're much better off without them.

You deserve commendment for enduring that and still persevering through both medical school and the boards, seriously.

I think it's human tendency to react to mistreatment with withdrawl and isolation, especially for those who have a giving disposition as opposed to selfishness or lack of self control. Your reaction is no fault of your own nor is it anything for which you need to feel responsible.

I wish that I could give you some sort of philosophy to live by or some cliche about pulling yourself together but I think you deserve better.

I hope your post gives you even the slightest bit of catharsis. Moreover, you will find someone who recognizes your true value and will reciprocate in a way that satisfies you. Take the time needed to collect yourself and endure the healing process and try to remain open to the new opportunities that present themselves as they come along.

All the best.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. You seem like a wonderful person, and I'm sure you'll bounce back. I wish I had something more to add that others haven't already said, but there are no easy answers sometimes. Hang in there, and continue to be the fabulous person that you are! Hugs
 
Sorry to hear about this. I have felt like that before from an equally s*** SO. For what it's worth, I think you did a good job of handling it on the outside, but it's no good for you to keep feeling like that on the inside.

I don't have any groundbreaking advice for you, just echoing what others have said about finding a hobby. Someone mentioned archery and I think something like that would be really good. Archery always puts me in a very zen place. Also have you thought about getting a low maintenance animal (older cat, rabbit, etc)? Might help with the feeling alone part. A dog would be great but that might not work so well with a busy intern year coming up soon. There are also medications that can help with depression, and something you should consider discussing with your doctor/therapist (and obviously not an internet forum).

Really the main reason I wanted to post was to let you know you aren't alone, others have felt what you are feeling. I hope it gets better for you.
 
The feeling of loss, dead inside, social withdrawal, not being able to be happy even if you want to, etc--I have been there. It's depression until proven otherwise. I strongly recommend you seek professional help and maybe a low dose of antidepressants. It can sneak up on you, especially if you were normally a strong happy person, and you don't even realize you're ill. If you take a look at yourself from a stranger's perspective, would you be concerned? Reading your story, I was, because it sounds exactly like me. You want to get better and are trying, but nothing seems to work---I've been there too. Please get help. Even a few weeks of medication can do wonders to re-establish the proper serotonin levels. I don't know much about psych. I'm a surgeon and I was terrified about seeking help because I thought it would make me weak, or like a zombie, or somehow not myself. Don't make the same error. It eats away at you until you don't recognize yourself anymore...but it can get better!
 
OP, it's incredibly inspiring that you passed your boards and finished 3rd year right after such an experience.

This too shall pass. Keep looking for a way to feel ALIVE again... look in places you wouldn't expect
 
I'm not sure I have any business posting here, however, I'd suggest it's expected to feel the way you do now.... at least temporarily. Naturally everyone has moments in their lives when they feel unappreciated/depressed/even worthless. The lows in our life are what help us to appreciate the highs, keep your eye on a bright future (especially as an M4) and you'll eventually look back with gratitude at this time in your life having learned something about yourself that helped you grow and develop as a person.
 
PharmD500 said:
I guess it was with random people, not a serious relationship with someone else at the same time? I'm just guessing here.
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Maybe I'm wrong, but from the way the post was written, it sounded like OP was "casually cheating". If that's the case, don't be surprised when you get ghosted.
 
kindoflostandsad said:
I need to vent and bounce my poorly constructed thoughts off of the general human population. Turning to the last place I ever thought I would post in the 10 or so years that I have known about SDN's existence.

I'm an M4 and I feel beat. It's honestly an overwhelming feeling. A little about me: I was always a strong student (as I'm sure many of you are) and pretty happy pressing on to the next task, whatever that may be. A year or so ago, my long term relationship ended, abruptly (ever heard of ghosting? Yea please don't ever do that to someone, it really hurts them psychologically and it's hard to regain any sense of self) right before my step 1 study period. I gave myself the "ok just focus on the now everything will work out" but my study period was a hot mess, I was a hot mess. The material wasn't difficult but my concentration was shot to hell. I could barely get through 10 questions without breaking down in tears. Took step 1, ended up with an average score that I'm not proud of nor does reflect my understanding of the content, but I have forgiven myself (hard for me given how type A I am) for being down during a really ****ty time in my life. I think about how I could have done things differently and I resign to the fact that no amount of control I was capable of would have restrained my reaction to the incredible sense of loss I felt. I never actually found out anything about why I was ghosted, just some accessory details that my being in medical school was a problem, that I didn't party enough or that I wasn't fun enough because I was always studying, and you know, the casual cheating thrown in. Saw a few therapists since then hoping for some kind of help or something/anything but they said time will help and that was it.

Well here I am, time has taken it's...well...time. haha. I still feel dead inside. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried literally everything, healthy eating, sleeping, gym, etc. and nothing seems to be helping. My friends outside of med school keep telling me to start dating and I can't bring myself to do it. I've completely given up on my relationship (the person started dating someone else and frankly the way the person treated me, I'm not sure if I can ever recover from it), but the experience completely shattered me and my faith in people. I hate myself for saying this-I just don't care anymore. I feel like I've spent my whole life living for other people. Volunteering for this or that, running blah blah charity, etc. And I cared a lot, a large part of me still does (I mean who doesn't care about human suffering), but I am so tired. Emotionally just exhausted. I feel unloved and have no one to confide in. Everyone always says "move on" and I want to so desperately, get back to the person I was or at least someone, anyone, who had the same drive and joy for life. I've tried to "live for me" and "be my own cheerleader!" but it's hasn't worked. I'm trying to focus on bettering myself but i don't know if I'm making any progress. Of course, I'm not dating, partially because I'm not ready to trust someone fully again and also because every person only wants to date me because I look good and not for who I am, which at some point, was someone worth being.

Over the past year, I've been spending excessive time in the hospital, taking on as much responsibility as I can to avoid going home and having to spend time with my thoughts at night. It helps that I love being at work all the time, but I feel like it's not healthy. I've withdrawn socially-used to go out a lot and be really extroverted. Pretty much everyone just drinks themselves to death on the weekends or is coupled off, and I find myself not enjoying the drinking/clubbing thing that much anymore. But that leaves me...by myself. Most of the time. I feel so incredibly lonely, and I should be so excited about applying for residency and starting this big journey that I have worked so hard for my whole life. I want to be excited, I want to feel the thrill of being competitive again, I want to study and learn so I can have the appropriate mental acuity to care for my patients. I want to be skilled so I can be strong technically. But my desire is so dulled and my affect so blunted. I don't understand how to get out of this slump and I'm honestly at wit's end. I feel like the life I worked for is kind of slipping away, or already has and I'm just now starting to realize it. There is such a powerful dissonance between how I feel and how I act. I'm always so cheerful, I feel like I have to be because providers in the hospital are burnt out and patients don't need more negativity compounded to their already difficult lives. But sometimes, I wonder, will it ever be about me? Just for a couple days, can I be happy? I feel like my life doesn't hold significance, like I don't matter. I keep asking myself why I'm doing this, why I'm working so hard only to hear the answer of "so other people can breathe a little easier or just breathe, period" but the whisper of "don't you deserve to be happy too" inevitably follows.

I want to feel joy again and I want life to return to me, vivid as it was in the past. I'm honestly really struggling with how to make that happen. I feel so lost and so alone. If I'm lucky enough to grow old, I am going to look back and regret living like some kind of lost shadow.
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Unfortunately the solution to your problems is likely taking some time to sort yourself out, and you won't have that in residency. This is perhaps the greatest issue I have with medical training- like a rollercoaster, once the ride starts, you're stuck on until the end, and the only way off in the middle involves either great danger or terrible inconvenience.
 
kindoflostandsad said:
I need to vent and bounce my poorly constructed thoughts off of the general human population. Turning to the last place I ever thought I would post in the 10 or so years that I have known about SDN's existence.

I'm an M4 and I feel beat. It's honestly an overwhelming feeling. A little about me: I was always a strong student (as I'm sure many of you are) and pretty happy pressing on to the next task, whatever that may be. A year or so ago, my long term relationship ended, abruptly (ever heard of ghosting? Yea please don't ever do that to someone, it really hurts them psychologically and it's hard to regain any sense of self) right before my step 1 study period. I gave myself the "ok just focus on the now everything will work out" but my study period was a hot mess, I was a hot mess. The material wasn't difficult but my concentration was shot to hell. I could barely get through 10 questions without breaking down in tears. Took step 1, ended up with an average score that I'm not proud of nor does reflect my understanding of the content, but I have forgiven myself (hard for me given how type A I am) for being down during a really ****ty time in my life. I think about how I could have done things differently and I resign to the fact that no amount of control I was capable of would have restrained my reaction to the incredible sense of loss I felt. I never actually found out anything about why I was ghosted, just some accessory details that my being in medical school was a problem, that I didn't party enough or that I wasn't fun enough because I was always studying, and you know, the casual cheating thrown in. Saw a few therapists since then hoping for some kind of help or something/anything but they said time will help and that was it.

Well here I am, time has taken it's...well...time. haha. I still feel dead inside. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've tried literally everything, healthy eating, sleeping, gym, etc. and nothing seems to be helping. My friends outside of med school keep telling me to start dating and I can't bring myself to do it. I've completely given up on my relationship (the person started dating someone else and frankly the way the person treated me, I'm not sure if I can ever recover from it), but the experience completely shattered me and my faith in people. I hate myself for saying this-I just don't care anymore. I feel like I've spent my whole life living for other people. Volunteering for this or that, running blah blah charity, etc. And I cared a lot, a large part of me still does (I mean who doesn't care about human suffering), but I am so tired. Emotionally just exhausted. I feel unloved and have no one to confide in. Everyone always says "move on" and I want to so desperately, get back to the person I was or at least someone, anyone, who had the same drive and joy for life. I've tried to "live for me" and "be my own cheerleader!" but it's hasn't worked. I'm trying to focus on bettering myself but i don't know if I'm making any progress. Of course, I'm not dating, partially because I'm not ready to trust someone fully again and also because every person only wants to date me because I look good and not for who I am, which at some point, was someone worth being.

Over the past year, I've been spending excessive time in the hospital, taking on as much responsibility as I can to avoid going home and having to spend time with my thoughts at night. It helps that I love being at work all the time, but I feel like it's not healthy. I've withdrawn socially-used to go out a lot and be really extroverted. Pretty much everyone just drinks themselves to death on the weekends or is coupled off, and I find myself not enjoying the drinking/clubbing thing that much anymore. But that leaves me...by myself. Most of the time. I feel so incredibly lonely, and I should be so excited about applying for residency and starting this big journey that I have worked so hard for my whole life. I want to be excited, I want to feel the thrill of being competitive again, I want to study and learn so I can have the appropriate mental acuity to care for my patients. I want to be skilled so I can be strong technically. But my desire is so dulled and my affect so blunted. I don't understand how to get out of this slump and I'm honestly at wit's end. I feel like the life I worked for is kind of slipping away, or already has and I'm just now starting to realize it. There is such a powerful dissonance between how I feel and how I act. I'm always so cheerful, I feel like I have to be because providers in the hospital are burnt out and patients don't need more negativity compounded to their already difficult lives. But sometimes, I wonder, will it ever be about me? Just for a couple days, can I be happy? I feel like my life doesn't hold significance, like I don't matter. I keep asking myself why I'm doing this, why I'm working so hard only to hear the answer of "so other people can breathe a little easier or just breathe, period" but the whisper of "don't you deserve to be happy too" inevitably follows.

I want to feel joy again and I want life to return to me, vivid as it was in the past. I'm honestly really struggling with how to make that happen. I feel so lost and so alone. If I'm lucky enough to grow old, I am going to look back and regret living like some kind of lost shadow.
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By the way, your ex was awful, and I hope you can realize that in hindsight. It is better things happened now than ten years down the line when you'd be on the hook for child support and have a bitter and costly divorce when you find them with the pool boy. Cheaters gonna cheat, it's just a matter of when, and there's nothing you could have done to stop it. They're missing out on a great person with a future, not the other way around. And you're missing out on a pile of ****, nbd.
 
OrthoTraumaMD said:
I strongly recommend you seek professional help and maybe a low dose of antidepressants.
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I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
 
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Lots of good advice here, and you should feel proud for holding yourself together through all the tests/assessments/evaluations that riddle medical school. It sounds like you have done well so far and have a bright future ahead of you. The one thing I will echo is how important it is to start dating/socializing again. You have to force yourself to go on that first date; each successive one will become easier (I think gunners call this 'positive cooperativity' 😉). The idea that there is one perfect soulmate out there for each of us is completely absurd. There is not one specific person you are destined to end up with. You pick someone you click with and make an intentional decision to build a life with them. If you had picked someone else, you would have a different life - for better or for worse. That's part of the fun.

Your ex sounds like a terrible person and I can understand why you would be hesitant to date again. I am sure you know though that not everyone is like this. To give you peace of mind, it may help to look for someone who works in health care and may understand your situation better.

Your whole life is ahead of you and your future patients are counting on you. And to take care of others, you have to take care of yourself first. Part of this is being selfish and carving out time for yourself without feeling guilty about it.
 
Hi All,
Thank you for the kind and thoughtful replies. I have been reading them in between OR cases and I am honestly taken aback by your compassion for a fellow trainee's struggle.

I will reply more thoroughly this weekend as I have to run back into a case.
For the record, someone asked about casual cheating, I didn't cheat. I found out months after the ghosting that he had been cheating and is now with the last girl that he had been cheating with. I was being sarcastic by using the word "casual." It was a 9 year relationship and my only relationship to date so perhaps I'm having a harder time than most people with it.

Thank you so much for the support and love.
 
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Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
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That is ridiculous. Nice bolded quotations aren't going to help. This is not a matter of strength. This is a matter of an abnormal response to the "normal" situation of a breakup. She repeatedly stated she does not feel right, and has lost interest in things, and she cannot get out using her usual coping mechanisms. These feelings are beyond the usual grief sensations. This sort of thinking is exactly why people don't get help, the stigma of "it's a weakness to take medication" or "you'll get addicted" (by the way, NOBODY I know has become addicted, and everyone went off them and doesn't "use them like candy"), and exactly why I myself waited so long, for years, and suffered unnecessarily. Living in the darkness by choice doesn't make you strong, or gives you any props; it destroys you and those around you. Low dose antidepressants are made for things like this, and they do not need to be taken long term. OP, I don't know if you meet the beck criteria, but if this has been going on for longer than a 2 week period, which is sounds like it has, and is not getting better, you at least should talk to someone professional, who can determine if you need therapy, meds, both, or neither.
 
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Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
Click to expand...
The way you speak it sounds like you think antidepressants are like heroin.

For what it's worth, I took Prozac for a while when I was younger for a condition that was not an affective disorder. It literally didn't make me feel any different. This idea that people are using SSRIs to numb themselves to normal life stressors is ridiculous.
 
Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
Click to expand...
Perhaps you haven't yet trained with a compassionate psychiatrist... but your statement that antidepressants are "meant to create addiction" is sensational and unfounded.

I did like your post because I respect the struggle(s) you've been through and think most of your advice is valuable

fwiw I went through a similar scenario as the OP (and at the same time), experienced some similar feelings, did NOT end up seeking care/antidepressants (for better or for worse), and ultimately snapped out of it faster than OP. Best of luck OP.
 
Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
Click to expand...

Yeah please don't listen to this. Make your own decision on what you need and needing a little help does NOT make you weak. Don't feel guilty if you need antidepressants. As I stated in my post, the use of such medications is between YOU AND YOUR DOCTOR. Not the internet.

FWIW, after I had my first break up I went on some antidepressants for ~3 months, after struggling with depression for ~8 months. It was as if I just needed to restart my neurotransmitters or something. They aren't addictive and can be short term, or long term if needed and they aren't the type of drug that is abused (at least not commonly). They don't make you high. And they aren't something you take "as needed", they typically require being taken regularly to work properly (in my experience). I wonder if the above poster is confusing antidepressants with anti-anxiety meds such as Xanax, which are addictive and taken as needed (for acute panic attacks). Just my n=1 experience. Don't feel pressured either way.

Also, since this is your first break up I have great news for you, it will get sooooooo much better. Take as long as you need to heal and don't feel pressured to date until you are ready. I had a bad ex who really messed with me and while it took a while I was able to have normal relationships eventually and am now happily married.

Edited: for grammar
 
Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
Click to expand...

Who are you and which google infowars medical school did you go to? This was so painful I couldn't finish reading it. OP, as an MS4 I hope you can appreciate the fear-mongering in this comment.

OP I apologize for not being a very verbiose person, but I can feel your struggle through your words and I am sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with the comment about some low dose antidepressants. Fwiw, I went through a period where I had similar feelings/depression sneak up on me. I saw a psychiatrist (idk why people always suggest a counselor, I feel like a psychiatrist can always recommend counseling, but will be a better initial evaluator). I did take some SSRI's for about 8mo and it was great for me. They didn't *make* me happy. They helped me see the positive side of more things. I also felt like I had more control of my mood and was able focus more of my attention on finding a solution out of my funk and developing better coping skills for the future.

SSRI's ftw.

You do you boo. But don't give up on you.
 
Please ignore tsunnami's advice OP. At a minimum it's unhelpful and at worst is actually harmful. I actually think it should be taken down that's how bad it is. OP I feel for you and I do agree with several others that seeking therapy NOW is extremely important. Some of your symptoms do sound as if you're depressed and if so getting out of this on your own without any professional help will be very difficult. Good luck and hopefully over time things improve.
 
You're on a medical student board so of course the answer is "SSRI + Therapy". Because you're a UWorld question. All our practice cases readied us for this exact moment. Psychological and spiritual problems are all conveniently shoved into the disease model, which totally coincidentally is something we're all quite familiar with from all of our other studies.

I get the Tsunami-hate, because he comes off as over the top. But 1/4 of US women over 40 are on SSRIs. Saying that they don't create dependence strikes me as similar to when my friend says weed isn't addictive as a justification for smoking it every single day. I have no doubt that they can be skillfully used to to help get a person out of a hole, but it really depends on the prescriber. Of course I'd rather have a happy person on an SSRI than a miserable person that's medication free, so it gets tricky.

Skills will definitely help you more than pills though, and that's what I think tsunami was getting at in his own way. Your current coping mechanisms have failed you. You need better ones. Spending all your time at work is a bad coping mechanism. It seems like Tsunami was just sharing the coping mechanisms that he found to work for him, but you'll probably need your own.

A CBT or even DBT workbook might be helpful for developing new skills. You can even download a CBT app on your phone or a pdf online. If you like to read, some books on stoicism or buddhism may also be nice because they really focus in on the nature of suffering and pain and the human condition. Definitely a professional who has some experience helping people out of their own turmoil would be most helpful, so long as you find a good one. Regular exercise, a full night's sleep, socializing, and eating a nutritious diet are all going to make a significantly bigger impact on your mental well-being than SSRI's will, but maybe an SSRI will help you find the willpower to do those things if you aren't already. I do think learning new modes of thinking is where the real growth happens, and I think that's kind of what tsunami was saying.

Good luck!
 
justabanana said:
It seems like Tsunami was just sharing the coping mechanisms that he found to work for him, but you'll probably need your own.

I do think learning new modes of thinking is where the real growth happens, and I think that's kind of what tsunami was saying.
Click to expand...

Yes, that was my point.
I understand the disagreement regarding antidepressants, but that doesn't make all my advice useless.

I was also clinically depressed and I'm not the first or the last person who decides to battle depression using alternative methods.
Is the success guaranteed ? Of course not. Nothing is.
It's always a risk and thinking otherwise is just a delusion generated by a society that likes the idea of safety. Life isn't safe, physically or psychically either.
The half pot of coffee that many Med students and residents and doctors consume on a daily basis isn't safe either, no wonder there is increase of gastritis, heart problems, hormonal problems, sleep problems, etc. - yet, everyone takes the risk, because it's a conventional thing to do, no one ever questions it anymore and no one thinks about it anymore, because no one can imagine how to get work done without it anyway, so it's way more comfortable to not think about the risks, but they are there anyway ( yes, I drink coffee by the way, this is not the point ).

Everyone has the right to take the risk and to handle his/her problems using strategies that he/she considers worth doing, being conscious about the advantages and the disadvantages also.
I think the fact that we're on a Medical forum speaks for itself, because there is a very aggressive attitude toward anything different than what is conventional now.
So if someone comes up with an idea that presents a different set of risks than what is accepted, then the idea is attacked.
But going with a method that presents a conventional set of risks, that is considered alright.
At least this is the mainstream thinking.

My conclusion is that the OP and everyone else is free to decide for himself/herself.
I'm not pushing my ideas on anyone, obviously.
I presented some ideas that worked for me and other people as well, so compared to some persons who might not have empirical evidence, I do.
When you actually experience something, you don't write a textbook answer, you write based on your own experience, because there are always going to be people who write textbook answers, so in the end we have diversity and that ain't a bad thing.
 
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You're an amazingly strong person! You've gotten a lot of advice so I don't have much to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I've read your story and that you're not alone and that you do matter. I don't know if it helps but you could always pm if you want someone to talk to.
 
I submitted apps and everything, waiting for interviews is crushing me. I feel like no matter what, nothing is going to make schools look at my application because of my step score. I am really starting to resent my ex and starting to resent myself for feeling this way.

Honestly wtf. One stupid breakup has literally derailed my whole life. What the **** am I supposed to do to fix this.

It's taking so much self restraint for me to just not scream. I'm trying so hard to regain control of my life and I can't seem to get past this test score.
 
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kindoflostandsad said:
I submitted apps and everything, waiting for interviews is crushing me. I feel like no matter what, nothing is going to make schools look at my application because of my step score. I am really starting to resent my ex and starting to resent myself for feeling this way.

Honestly wtf. One stupid breakup has literally derailed my whole life. What the **** am I supposed to do to fix this.

It's taking so much self restraint for me to just not scream. I'm trying so hard to regain control of my life and I can't seem to get past this test score.
Click to expand...

If you can't do it by yourself, get some help. Get a psychologist. Get a social worker. Get someone trained in cognitive therapy. You have a ****ty thought pattern interfering with an otherwise good life.

You need to sit down with NRMP and actually look at the percentages matching in your specialty. For all my whining about my 213, I know I have a 95% chance of matching anesthesia. I may end up doing gas in a hole in the ground but I WILL match. So will you. Focus on that graph if nothing else. Graph is facts. Graph is life.
 
kindoflostandsad said:
I submitted apps and everything, waiting for interviews is crushing me. I feel like no matter what, nothing is going to make schools look at my application because of my step score. I am really starting to resent my ex and starting to resent myself for feeling this way.

Honestly wtf. One stupid breakup has literally derailed my whole life. What the **** am I supposed to do to fix this.

It's taking so much self restraint for me to just not scream. I'm trying so hard to regain control of my life and I can't seem to get past this test score.
Click to expand...

If you haven't sought professional help yet, please do. I understand that sometimes it's difficult to ask for help or that you can feel hopeless or that getting help won't matter. However, it seems like there's more to what's holding you back than just the break up (you said it happened around Step 1, so this is still unresolved over a year later?). Maybe it's psychological and you still just haven't found yourself again. Maybe there's a chemical imbalance. Maybe it's something else. No matter what it is, you shouldn't still be having this many issues so many months or years later. At this point, I think it's worth talking to someone to help come up with a game plan to get your life back on track.
 
kindoflostandsad said:
It's the fact that it affected Step 1 I think that is still holding me back. I've tried to forgive myself but I keep thinking wow no program director knows nor cares about your inability to handle a break up. They're gonna look at your step score, assume you are an idiot and toss the application.
Click to expand...

Keep your head up. It's early in the season, and as long as you applied smart, you'll probably do a lot better than you're thinking you will. I was also really worried before I submitted my app and things are going better than I expected already. Hang in there, but again, please don't be afraid to seek help if you feel like things aren't getting better. Sometimes it's more needed than we realize.
 
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OP, thanks for sharing. I had a similar albeit less severe experience. No one understands, and even your closest friends and family get tired of telling you it's going to be okay. Getting help is the hardest thing I've done in med school. I PM'ed you. Always happy to chat :happy:.
 
Late to the party but still would like to add some specific things that helped me overcome similar situations.

When you to think with no emotions (hard to do obviously) about your ex, what were the things that made you want to be in a relationship with them? I am not talking about all the warm and fuzzy memories spending time together that come to mind now. I am talking about the time when things were normal between you two, what about them made you decide to be with them and stick around? For everyone there are usually at least some underlying reasons for feeling like they are “the one”. E.g. for one of my prior relationships it was the fact that her culture was very similar to mine (immigrant from overseas etc), high career ambitions, closeness with family, and desire to go out and do fun stuff. However, there was also a list of things I had to just accept even if that was not what I wanted/enjoyed.

Making a careful mental note of things you “fell for” in your ex will help you tremendously in finding someone else. And honestly, I think you need to start dating again. Substituting old memories for new ones will be the best way to move forward and reassign those crazy emotions to a different relationship that has a future. Knowing what you find desirable in a partner can steer you towards a person that would naturally fill the gap by addressing all or at least most things you miss now about your ex. Along with that, keeping the negatives in mind may help you start a relationship with a person who will not screw your over like the last one.

Lastly, if it’s any consolidation to you, truly malignant exes even after what happened to you seem to come back trying to insert themselves into your life long after when you’ve rebuilt it and are successful. The curious things is that you may actually feel embarrassed about feeling so strongly about them at that point as you will see them as nothing special and not even on your level. Seeing them will kind of feel ackward and cringeworthy. Not guaranteed to happen, but in my experience there is a good chance.
 
Get some counseling

You're a (at least self perceived) good looking med student, eventually a nice boy will be interested. Just have some discernment and stay away from jerks till then
 
My best friend went through a significant-other ghosting during the same exact time as you and felt the same way about Step 1. For him, she resented the fact that he was already in medical school and that he was honest about her chances at medical school. Found out later she was also using him for connections and her only interview came from his school (promptly after that interview, she cheated on him and ghosted him). Always look ahead, there's plenty of stuff left ahead of you. If you have CK, there's still that. If you're interested in IM, you've got a lot of work cut out for you with internship coming up, etc. Competitiveness is an attitude, not one's numbers or achievements. First go seek a counselor and get some antidepressant or whatever it is you need. I suspect that will bump you back to being function-able. It seems like you don't believe in psychiatric medication and there's a lot of people like that in medicine. You need to understand that this is just like any other disease. In fact, many mental health conditions have been linked to something as somatic as brain inflammation. Treatment will stop the downward spiral and give you the chance to build yourself back up just like high-dose corticosteroids will stop the eczema flair but won't fix the underlying problem. After that, the road back up is tough, but it's an opportunity for you to rise. There will be plenty of pitfalls along the way. You're not happy at baseline so even the slightest good news may make you euphoric and you will lose the desire to continue your progress. Learn to build mental toughness and maintain it. Try to climb back up slowly and gradually. It's a long road.
 
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Tsunnami said:
I couldn't disagree more.
The emotions he is experiencing are meant to be experienced, even if it's in the worst moment possible.
Taking antidepressants only to alter the mood now, because of a break-up, only increases the chances of taking antidepressants in the future, for any other discomfort.

I also have empathy toward this situation, but a break-up, no matter how harsh it is, it's still not a reason to succumb to various coping mechanisms. I don't care what some experts and non-experts opinion is on this matter, antidepressants are just another coping mechanism, like food, drugs, alcohol - they give you exactly the same effect, never mind that it's packed in a bottle and it looks like something different.
America is full of people who consume antidepressants like candies, so it's not a surprise at all that it's a recommended and accepted thing.

I will tell you, however, the real experience I had with people who started taking antidepressants after a painful event : they are still hooked on them and they are still not mentally recovered. Yes, it's easier for them to smile and to have fun, but it's not really them, it's the antidepressants, because take that away from them and they become the old, lethargic, weak persons that they were and that they still are, only that it's covered with antidepressants.
And here comes the real trap : giving up antidepressants after a time will be very difficult, exactly because they work so well and they offer such a powerful effect through an easy way. Everyone believes that they will use them "strategically", but they were never meant to be used strategically, they were meant to create addiction, just like anything that offers such a powerful effect for such a low effort. You, OP, should especially know that many things in this life that require such low efforts are shallow things that don't contribute to personal growth in any way.

Yes, a break-up can be very emotional, but you've got to be naive if you think that you're not going to face hundreds of equally difficult events in your life.
The coping mechanisms that you develop right now are going to be the coping mechanisms that you're going to have for a lifetime, so choose wisely.

Attitude matters a lot, because from my experience, when people really consider something to be a drama, they start acting in a desperate way and desperate actions have dreadful consequences.
However, if you realize that this is another challenge, another test for your inner strength and mental balance, then you'll approach things differently.
Stop making it so personal - it's just another story ! Right now there are thousands of break-ups happening around the world, thousands of people are going to be depressed for the next months, some of them are going to over-dose themselves and get into hospitals, others are going to commit suicide, others are going to recover and re-build their lives, others are going to be damaged for life - yes, this is the world we live in, your story is just one in a million. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem in any way, but personally for me this realization always puts things in perspective, because every time I had a problem and I started to make a drama about it in my mind, I thought in my mind "You know, this exact problem has happened/is happening/is going to happen to millions of other people - am I really going to make a drama out of it ?"
Somehow, when you think about life at a macro level, you just can't help but laugh at this whole circus.
For all the bad rap that thinking gets nowadays, sometimes it's emotions that have to take a break in your life if you want to get out of a rut.
"Life's a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. " - Apply.

I am telling you all these things, because I can really feel your situations, I went through a lot of similar situations myself, and no matter how much I write here, it's still very little compared to how much I could share.
When you stop making things personal, you "deactivate" your ego and you can have a fresh start in life. The problem in itself, as I've already mentioned, is just another story on this planet - there are thousands of break-ups going on right now and millions of people suffering even bigger dramas. I'm not saying this to belittle your problem, I'm saying this so that you gain some perspective, because the best way to stay depressed is to feel sorry for yourself and then to find all types of justifications for suffering in different ways and not being able to live.

Every time I let go of my own suffering, it was in the moment in which I realized that I am the one who is choking myself.
I had break-ups that made me want to run like mad for years. The amount of irritation and negative feelings that I felt toward the other person are indescribable. But I realized at a point that I'll never be free I don't own the way I handle my own emotions.
Sure, the other person hurt me in ways that I didn't think I would ever recover, but at the same time, how could I ever heal myself if I give the other person such a big power over me and under-estimate my own power over myself ?
The moment you let a person to psyche you out, you instantly lose the battle. Game over.
Whether if it's a business partner, a girlfriends, an enemy, a boss, etc. - it's all the same.
You will stop feeling so down and bitter and frustrated and mad toward them when you'll realize that it's all a brutal mental game, which can be mastered, no matter how dark the situation seems. It's actually supposed to be so dark and crippling, because if you overcome it, you'll be extremely strong.
Click to expand...

You are so wrong, for so many reasons, and wrong in my experience of treating patients who had depression, with anti-depressants.

Setting that aside, what you have to say about a difficult break up is beyond insensitive.

If I could take 90% of what you wrote and light it on fire and then flush it down the toilet, I would.
 
To answer one poster's question, the reason many people start with therapy, is that even if you need medication, medication PLUS therapy is typically more effective. It's a generally well tolerated intervention!

Sadly, the world doesn't have enough psychiatrists, so a lot of Axis 1 conditions in people who aren't particularly medically or psychiatrically complex - are managed by their PCPs, who are able to refer as needed.

All this talk about "toughing" things out would seem pretty ****ing stupid if the OP proves to be hypothyroid or vitamin D deficient. This is why the general advice, if we are to give advice on this board, is that general people should seek general medical attention when they generally need to. Generally.

In residency, I had an elderly patient with COPD admitted with an NSTEMI, in a situation where they needed a blood transfusion for acute blood loss. Of course, in PARQing, the risk of HIV was mentioned. Of course, they got worried. I was like, listen, we're wanting to pump you full of this blood, because the risk of bad stuff, like another heart attack, vastly outstrips any risk from the blood itself. We have to deal with the very real large risks in front of us. We have to solve the problems we know we have now, and not worry about very tiny risks that can only be a problem later if we live through *this*.

I went through something similar in med school. I didn't want to take any meds for depression. But at some point you might have your back to the wall. As my psychiatrist said, "You yourself have told me how sick you are, and what you've done to make it better. And it hasn't worked. Don't you think it's time you tried something different?? If not now, when? How bad does it have to get to be worth trying?" And as a someone in healthcare, what could I really say to that?

I've had side effects and I haven't exactly loved that. But it made me closer to my true self than I had been in years. Like, so many years I could have felt so much better.

OP, I was in a 7 year relationship, that was one of 2 serious ones I've had, and I was cheated on for a long time without knowing. I was made a real fool to every single person in my life. And even then, when it ended, it wasn't my choice. I know that pain. It hurts. In a way that you wonder if you can ever really be the same.

Here's the part where I don't tell you that you will be the same.

One, you *can* recover from depression/burn out. That's just a question of how.

Two, about romance. I don't know if you read the Twilight novels. The part where Bella describes the hole in her chest from all the angsty romantic drama pain.

Basically, you will come to a day where you realize that you ARE better off without that person. Even if better off is alone. But I won't tell you that when you think on it, you don't still feel some negative feelings.

You will meet someone else and fall in love, with time. You don't need to worry about making that happen now, seriously. Going out dating could make you just miss what you had with your ex, if you're not ready. OTOH, when you mostly sorta hate him, going out on dates even if you're not particularly in the mood or into the guy, can make you feel *appreciated* again. An ego salve. It's nice to go out and have someone laugh at your jokes and look at you like someone desirable. Basically, yeah, you should go dating just to date, not just to look for your next husband or to try to "replace" your ex - that's not what it's about. But don't just wait until you're ready to find your next husband. Got me?

Anyway, when you find that person that you really love, and you make a happy life with them, you won't for one minute wish you were with dirtbag. That hole in your heart, that's filled with pain, distrust, betrayal, fear, it will shrink with time. This new person will help you realize that you can still love and trust - those parts of you aren't broken. There likely will still be some part of you that when it thinks about your ex for whatever reason, it might be like a punch to that mostly-filled hole in your chest. (if you're like me, some people *do* carry things forever, but no it doesn't mean you don't go on happy).

Basically, some of us continue to carry some anger, bitterness, and hate. You don't have to carry those things, but if you do like I do, it doesn't have to stop you from being happy or finding love. Like any bad things we live through, the bad can come to have a greater meaning in your life.

Regarding your Step 1 score, I know a few people who have a similar story. I know someone who had to repeat an entire year of med school because of a sh*tty relationship. My own career experienced a hiccup because of my own dirtbag.

My one friend who had to repeat, is now at their #1 choice residency in a very desirable location at a very prestigious institution. The rest of your app, and LORs, really do matter.

Others that got crap Step scores, I saw get into the specialties they wanted. Some of them went to fly over states. All of them feel came to feel like they ended up exactly where they should. That could just be a quirk of human nature, but it's a nice one.

Lastly, we need to get you better before you start intern year!

I'm here, PM whenever.
 
I don't have anything to add except that I think I can speak for all of us when I say that your ex was a complete bird poop of a human being for ghosting his SO after 9(!) years of dating. A relationship that long deserves at least a long, calm, face-to-face discussion that clearly explains why it had to end. In my opinion, you dodged a huge bullet there because you would not want to end up with someone who thinks this is an acceptable way to treat a person who cares about him. You will be doctor, and you mentioned you look good, and from your posts, you sound like a nice person . The combination of these three traits puts you at the top of the dating pool. This is an amazing opportunity for you to meet someone better! Trust me, when my first bf left me because I was too busy studying and didn't have time to do makeup and stuff, I was absolutely crushed. I cried all the time. But then I decided to focus on improving myself because I was not going to let the unfortunate result of one relationship define my life. Fast forward 5 years, I got into med school, had 5 guys in my class ask me out within a month of starting med school, and I've got my eye on someone who is better than my first bf in every single way.

My point is, ending the first relationship is extremely difficult, especially for the person who didn't choose to end it. But for most people, our first BFs/GFs are often not the right person for us, but we stuck around because they are the only one we've known and we think they are the one. However, once you start to date other people, you will realize that your ex was probably a poor match for you, and there are plenty of great fishes in the sea. You just have to give these fishes a chance. You mentioned that you don't want to go out with anyone because they only like you because you look good. Well what's wrong with a man who finds you physically attractive? You hadn't really given him a chance to get to know you so why blame him for digging the only part of you that he can see? You have to give someone a chance to get to know you, so that he can fall for the non-physical traits. Just be confident, friendly, and open-minded. The boys will be all over that.
 
Can someone explain to me why people have their entire self worth tied to other people?
 
Kgizzle said:
Can someone explain to me why people have their entire self worth tied to other people?
Click to expand...
It's tough not to when you're with someone for 9 years. Is it really that hard to understand? You obviously become intertwined with that other person if your relationship ship has any semblance of love. That means you may form common dreams and goals and if one person ducks out what happens to those dreams?
 
Hi guys, update: I made it through interview season intact. I just accidentally read my (extremely long omg) email to my ex after I was ghosted and broke down crying for a good bit. Note to self: don't use common words as subjects for sensitive emails. I've decided to go ahead an make an appt for therapy now that I have more flexibility in my schedule (and honestly the punch in the gut every time I think about the situation feels the same). Thank you guys for your thoughts and advice. It helped me get through a rough time.
 
kindoflostandsad said:
Hi guys, update: I made it through interview season intact. I just accidentally read my (extremely long omg) email to my ex after I was ghosted and broke down crying for a good bit. Note to self: don't use common words as subjects for sensitive emails. I've decided to go ahead an make an appt for therapy now that I have more flexibility in my schedule (and honestly the punch in the gut every time I think about the situation feels the same). Thank you guys for your thoughts and advice. It helped me get through a rough time.
Click to expand...

Good for you. You'll find that changing up your situation and locale with residency will open some new opportunities for happiness human experience. It's important to have a resource/outlet to confide in whether it's a therapist or even SDN. Residency is really stressful but with the right attitude it's rewarding on many levels other than just professionally.
 
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