Supportive Wife Needs Advice

[nel20]

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Hello All,

I have been a lurker on these forums for a while and have found that most of you provide great advice. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to approach the following situation:

FACTS:
My husband graduated from college almost 10 years ago. He is a URM. He majored in biology and graduated with a cumulative GPA of just above 3.0. His science GPA was around a 2.75. He entered a postbac program shortly after doing some research for about 1.5 years. He took and bombed the MCAT 3times. The postbac required a certain MCAT score to enter the medical school. Therefore, even though his grades were good, he was denied admission because of his MCAT score after doing the postbac twice. He stopped pursuing medicine and opened a business where he did fairly well, but the pull of medicine was still strong.

A little over a year ago, he brought up the desire to enter medicine again. I agreed to support his new attempt at entering medicine because at the time we were in our early 30s, recently married, and without children. He moved to a neighboring state to do the SMP because that is where he was accepted. I make a great income so it did not hurt us financially. I also figured that if time and maturity had helped, he might be better positioned to do well. As of today, he has retaken the MCAT twice and has been unable to score above a 22. He has completed the SMP, and his GPA is somewhere around a 3.3. He got into an off-shore medical school, but I do not think he should go. He was rejected from all MD and DO programs that he applied to this cycle. He wants to try to take a MCAT prep course now that he is done with the SMP in yet another attempt to get a better score on the new MCAT. I am exhausted with this process, but getting him to stop the pursuit is not the easiest thing to do. When I ask about alternative careers in medicine, I am told he doesn't think it's worth it. Basically, it's MD, DO, or no medicine at all. However, the no medicine at all seems to be a route that he is increasingly unwilling to accept. At this point he has taken the MCAT way too many times judging from what I have read on this forum.

I am trying very hard to be sensitive to the fact that this is a dream that is dying a slow death, but I don't know how much more patience I have with this. The distance early in our marriage was really hard to take, but I didn't want the fact that we were married to kill his chances of pursuing his dreams. I feel that I have given all of the support I could. In addition, we are now expecting and I am due this summer. I would appreciate any advice on how to approach this situation or information about other things I may not have considered.

 

[Promethean]

Bless your heart. You seem as if you truly have been as supportive as you could possibly be.

You need to talk to him as frankly as you have to us. If doing that with a counselor is helpful, then do that.

But he needs to really hear and understand your concerns, but that is no guarantee that he will choose another career. If he persists over your objections, you will have to choose whether to endure that as his spouse or as a single mom. That is a tough position to be in, but a cool headed examination of your options will help you put things in perspective.

Maybe send him here so that sdn can crush his dreams for you? We can make people with 30s MCATs neurotic about their chances, after all.

 

[nel20]

I am listening loud and clear. You both have confirmed what I already know.

To answer the why medicine question, his parents are physicians and he never thought to do anything else. His younger siblings are in medical school, one in an off-shore school. Several relatives are also physicians. The bottom line is he feels like a failure. Because of his success in business, I have suggested an MBA program coupled with his now extensive medicine related courses. He could manage a hospital and the doctors. In my humble opinion, that would not be failure.

 

[Goro]

Nel, there are red flags all over the place here.
For starters, you have to master standardized tests to become a doctor. Poor MCAT performance is a risk factor for failing out of medical school or failing boards.

IF your husband has a test-taking anxiety, then that's fixable. If it's knowledge base, that's a bigger issue.

Going into medicine for the reasons you describe below is a poor reason.

Your husband is the perfect student for a Carib diploma mill. He''ll go, pay a huge chunk of change, fail, and then get kicked out. They love kids like this.

As a URM, we'd be doing him no favors by admitting him if he couldn't survive medical school.

No more SMPs or post-bac programs. The test taking is the issue, not GPA.

I am listening loud and clear. You both have confirmed what I already know.

To answer the why medicine question, his parents are physicians and he never thought to do anything else. His younger siblings are in medical school, one in an off-shore school. Several relatives are also physicians. The bottom line is he feels like a failure. Because of his success in business, I have suggested an MBA program coupled with his now extensive medicine related courses. He could manage a hospital and the doctors. In my humble opinion, that would not be failure.

 

[Promethean]

I am listening loud and clear. You both have confirmed what I already know.

To answer the why medicine question, his parents are physicians and he never thought to do anything else. His younger siblings are in medical school, one in an off-shore school. Several relatives are also physicians. The bottom line is he feels like a failure. Because of his success in business, I have suggested an MBA program coupled with his now extensive medicine related courses. He could manage a hospital and the doctors. In my humble opinion, that would not be failure.

Yeah, I don't think that you are the one that needs convincing. He is the one who needs a reality check.

However, it sounds to me as if he has doubled down on his folly and is likely to persist in it. That is why I recommend counselling. Maybe, with professional intervention, you can get him to understand how destructive his plan will be to your marriage, to your family life, to your finances, etc. At the very least, you may be able to get him to understand that at this point, he seems to be putting an impossible dream above you and your feelings and needs.

The degree of irrational determination he has shown suggests that even if he hears this, and really gets it, he may not give up. That is why I think the best advice to you is to prepare yourself for that possibility. How will you react if he doesn't give up? That is a rhetorical question, as your answer to that is purely your own business. I really feel for you, because you are in such a difficult situation. You want to be supportive, and you have been. Eventually, you have to figure out where you will draw the line.

Good luck.

 

[Tired]

...

 

[doapplicant2015]

Have your husband (and yourself) look into DPM. Great profession, tough schooling, and a 22 will likely get him in. If he wants to be a physician this is looking like his best shot

 

[nel20]

Hi All,

@ Tired - I spoke to my husband today and the Caribbean is off the table. Score one for common sense. He agreed that 200K in private, non-discharageable debt at 6-9% interest with his current test taking skills was not a good look. Private loans don't disappear even if something happens to him. His parents paid for undergard so he has no idea how stressful a student loan payment of the magnitude he would need to cover would be. I have read this board extensively and am grateful for the information. I just wanted to wait until he was completely done with his tests to broach this subject.

@ DOapplicant2015 - I did ask about this and it is a no go....as is PA school, as is dentistry, etc. He is currently mulling over my suggestion to work in healthcare and continue working on his test taking skills.

@ Promethean, petyr, and Goro - Thank you all for your perspectives. I never thought we would get to the point where if I really put my foot down, he would opt to still go down the route of blind ambition without balance. I have allowed a lot of flexibility, but with baby in the picture, I am no longer as generous. As of today he knows exactly how little patience I will continue to have for unchecked risk taking. He has done what I have allowed. It's not allowed anymore now that you all have confirmed what I have known to be the truth for quite a while.

I mainly wanted to make sure that there were no other perspectives or thoughts that I should consider as I stopped this madness. I just didn't want to pull the curtain until I had as many facts as possible about his options and chances.

I will keep you all posted on this mid-life crisis of sorts. Thank you all for your advice!

 

[deleted480308]

Would your spouse consider posting here in there own thread for advice....so we could tell them?

 

[nel20]

@ sb247 - His pride would not allow him to come to this board and post. In the past, I have sent posts like this to him to no avail. He has a really fragile ego. j/k

 

[DrMidlife]

I was thinking DTMFA, big time, but there's a baby in this story? No, nuh-uh, no way. Be supportive of a man cave or a motorcycle if you want. Don't support any further pursuit of med school. Total trainwreck.