The "everyone is moving on but me" syndrome

[sunshine008]

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I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

 

[HomeworkHelper]

I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

Occasionally I feel like I'm missing out on things, especially when I see folks who graduated from college and then got married, got a job, and started a family as I went off to grad school. Now their kids are 3-5 years old now, so it's kinda strange to see their updates on Facebook. It doesn't bother me too much though because I enjoyed grad school, and I'm enjoying internship. I guess I'm a little concerned that if you're miserable as you say, maybe that's saying something? It might just be saying you need to make more social connections, either in the form of a friendship or romantic relationships. Could it be saying the program isn't a good fit?

As far as meeting people, see if your grad school hosts events for graduate students. Ours even had happy hours and other events for grad singles. Otherwise, maybe consider joining an intramural club (we had Sportsmonster in our city, which coordinated a lot of different sports like kickball or volleyball). Annnd if you're interested in a relationship, maybe try online dating (like OK Cupid). There were multiple grad students in my program who dated and had some good luck that way.

 

[erg923]

I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

Um, well people who have graduated college have full-time (sometimes more) jobs, financial stress/limitations, work stress same as you, right? So how do they do it? And don't tell me more money...plenty of people have lives and raise children on 20k/year. To be blunt, there is nothing really stopping you from continuing with life. There is no reason life has to stop during grad school. You can date, marry (even have children), and drink to excess like everyone else. I did! Its important that you simply think of graduate school as a demanding full-time job. Don't most of your 20 something friends have one of those?

Join an intramural sports league, if you attended church before, join a local church an get involved. Find a local watering hole and meet some people. Do online dating. Have classmates introduce you to single friends.

 

[PhDMiss2014]

I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

As a 28 year old female beginning internship it bothers me every time I see a Facebook update about someone having a baby. But I made my choice and I'm happy with it, despite the regular episodes of "baby fever". I know there is an end in sight and a game plan in place (I'm getting married in 2014).

It was difficult for me to find someone my first few years of grad school even though I was very social. It just seems as if all the social activities I attended were departmental or in group settings (lots of women in our program, few available men). I finally reconnected with an old friend from high school and after dating long distance for three years we became engaged.

There are a lot of women in my program that meet great guys, grad students from other departments primarily. Just get out there as much as you can socially while still maintaining the balance of coursework etc. Good luck.

 

[PHD12]

Um, well people who have graduated college have full-time (sometimes more) jobs, financial stress/limitations, work stress same as you, right? So how do they do it? And don't tell me more money...plenty of people have lives and raise children on 20k/year. To be blunt, there is nothing really stopping you from continuing with life. There is no reason life has to stop during grad school. You can date, marry (even have children), and drink to excess like everyone else. I did! Its important that you simply think of graduate school as a demanding full-time job. Don't most of your 20 something friends have one of those?

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I think you have a good point erg, but people who are employed don't generally work more than 40-45 hours per week and have weekends off (unless maybe in banking/corporate law). Most clinical psychology students are putting in 60+. It's also absolutely easier with money. Of course you technically can raise kids on 20/k per year in a very low-cost part of the country with family help, but in most places day care is going to be over 20K per year.

From what I see, many female psychologists are having kids in their early to late 30's. It was rare to see anyone in graduate school have kids (I would say that less than 5% do so). I know I'm going to get slack for this, but all the research and anecdotal evidence indicates that men put in significantly less hours into chores and childcare compared to women so it may be easier for a male graduate student.

Bottomline, if you go into this field, you are significantly more likely to have a family when you are older (mid 30's). That's what I see all around me among all the psychologists. There are many advantages to having kids once you are more financially stable and your career is a bit more set.

I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

Yes, your non-phd friends will likely be getting married earlier, making money, buying homes etc. However, some will also get divorced, lose their jobs, many will switch careers etc. You will always have your education and training. You can't put a monetary value on that. I personally cannot imagine getting a doctoral degree later in life so I'm so happy that I completed my degree when I was still in my 30's, even if it meant putting aside other life goals and getting to them later. I will be an older, but wiser parent if I chose to have kids.

 

[LETSGONYR]

I'm 25, single and finishing up my first year of grad school and it's been upsetting me lately to see all my non phd friends getting married, starting careers and even having children while I'm alone in my small grad school bubble of misery for 5 more years. Do any of you experience the same feelings? How do you deal with it? In addition, to those of you in the dating scene, how do you meet people?

I've definitely felt similarly. One of the hardest things about grad school, for me, was to feel like I'm treading water while everyone else (friends, siblings, etc.) was growing up and moving on. It's really hard for me to never have money, and to not be able to plan for anything in my life because of the uncertainty about where I'll be living (for internship and postdoc).

That being said, I really like what I do and know that in a few years, it'll be over and I'll be able to rejoin my peers in the real world. 🙂.

In the end... yes, it sucks at times and yes, it's a big sacrifice, but it is worth it if you're passionate about the work you are doing.

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

Most of my friends are over-achievers (working on their 2nd homes, take ridiculous multi-continent vacations, send their kids to froofy private schools, etc), so I accepted long ago that they will do all of those things while I trudge through school. Now that I'm on the other side I am much happier because I work very manageable hours, make good money, and do something I very much enjoy. Most of them work far more than I do, travel more (for work), bleed money bc of 2-3 kids, and mostly tolerate their jobs because they cannot afford to leave/change. The grass is not always greener.

 

[erg923]

Most of my friends are over-achievers (working on their 2nd homes, take ridiculous multi-continent vacations, send their kids to froofy private schools, etc).

When you have children and observe the sorry state of public edu in most states, you will not mock the froofiness. You couldn't PAY me to send my daughter to public schools here. The penguins took good care of me and I'm sure they will her in a few years.

 

[PHD12]

When you have children and observe the sorry state of public edu in most states, you will not mock the froofiness. You couldn't PAY me to send my daughter to public schools here. The penguins took good care of me and I'm sure they will her in a few years.

Seriously, quality of our education system (until college) is way below vast majority of developed countries as well as many developing countries. You either have to pay for private school or live in a location where the home values are close to $1 million to get a good education in the US these days. This is why families become morgage slaves and take on high paying jobs they may not even like. The top 5% can provide a good education for their children. It's tough to be a parent in the US, no wonder many are having only 1 or choosing to be childfree.


Edit: For those of you who feel "behind" for not getting married/having kids, married couples are the minority now in the US. Married couples with children are even a smaller minority. They make up only 20% of US households. Check this out: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/26/us/26marry.html

 

[LM02]

This may sound trite, but have you seen those LGBT "It Gets Better" videos? Of course the context is incredibly different, but I think the message is the same.

I felt the same way, and it was hard to sit by and watch people "move on" with their lives while I toiled away in graduate school. But it really does get better. I'm married, have two kids (and a dog!), have a job I love, own a home, etc. There were plenty of times when this would have felt like a pipe dream, but a lot happened in my 30s.

I will also add that my kids are in school with other children who have parents from a variety of backgrounds (academics, professionals, stay-at-home, etc) - I have never taken a formal poll, but I would say that my age falls right into the average of all the other parents. I had my kids at 32 and 35, and I would guess that the majority of parents in our "preschool circle" did the same... so at least in that respect, I don't think grad school put me much further back than anyone else. For whatever that's worth!

 

[erg923]

I'm curious for an update from the OP. What did your e-harmony profile say? lol