Things To Avoid Saying At Your Residency Interviews

[docB]

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Interview season is here again. Thought I'd haul this out.


-Yes sir, you have a fine institution. Do you keep the narcotics locked up here?

-Do you have any idea how expensive hookers are in this city?

-What have imagined my residency would be like? I don't know. Frankly I never in a million years thought I would get through medical school.

-One more question like that and I'll kill you.

-Yes, it appeared in Hustler. It still counts as a publication, right?

-I very well may be a mediocre candidate sir, but I'll receive a great ranking unless you want your wife to see certain videotapes of you and your administrative assistant at last year's Christmas party.

-In addition to my strong work as a student I believe that my psychic powers will allow me to be an excellent resident.

-My mommy won't let me play with sharp or pointy things. Will that be a problem?

-Well of course if it had specifically said to wear clothes on the invitation I would have done so.

-I've enjoyed my time here today although I am disappointed that you haven't acknowledged my status as a god.

-Does your resident insurance package pay death benefits? Excellent. And does the elevator I came up in go all the way to the roof?

-That was an excellent tour but what was that device the one doctor had stuck in his ears and pressed against the patient's chest?

-Are all the patients as ugly as the ones I've seen today?

-Of course I'm ready to accept responsibility. You sound just like the lawyers for my all of my ex-wives.

-Wednesday is still golf day, right?

-Yes, I do like to set things on fire. Will that be a problem?

-Your internet connections get porn, right? Not just that MD Consult crap.

-But enough about me. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your one true savior?

-Ok, enough of this. What's it gonna take to get me in here? $800? $1000? $1250 is my final offer.

-You won't be running any kind of background checks, right?

-Yeah, I had a few drinks before I came in. So what?

-What are you lookin' at?

 

[Annette]

Don't forget don't talk to your hallucinations/imaginary friends/voices not matter what nasty things they are saying!

Don't ask if the on-call beds will support two "active" people.

Don't ask the STD rate in the residency program.

I'll add more after the interviews start!

 

[mdegra]

Are the nurses pretty easy here?

The voices! The voices! Make them stop!

Do you frown upon a high patient mortality rate?

 

[CaptainJack02]

?You won?t be running any kind of background checks, right?

loved that one 😀

 

[UseUrHeadFred]

All I want to know is: Do you press charges?

 

[DOtobe]

My favorite one is:

What have imagined my residency would be like? I don?t know. Frankly I never in a million years thought I would get through medical school.

Sometimes I feel this way

😉

 

[deleted6669]

You Guys Are My Backup Program If I Can't Get A Position With The Federal Corrections System.....

 

[spacetygrss]

?But enough about me. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your one true savior?

Oh my goodness! Last year one of the [then] fourth years told me that someone during an interview asked HER that question, then proceeded to look up Bible verses to convert her!!!
😱

Needless to say, she didn't rank them at all.

 

[OldManDave]

Whew! Was that you? Damn! You eat cabbage for lunch?

 

[Lysdexic]

Let out a loud, long fart, then waft it over to the interviewer. Ask, "You're a doctor, is that smell normal?"

 

[Fermata]

Let out a loud, long fart, then waft it over to the interviewer. Ask, "You're a doctor, is that smell normal?"

Or.....

:: pulling out wallet ::

"Will that be paper or plastic?"

 

[Annette]

Avoid stupid questions like: Why is Chicago pronounced shig ca go instead of shy cag o? (Town name changed to protect the stupid one!)

Don't say that you have never been out of Kalamazoo in your whole life, and then proceed to tell me all about your relatives who have visited every place on the planet.

Don't ask the plastic surgeon who is interviewing you if you'd look good with this model nose!

 

[v-tach]

Let out a loud, long fart, then waft it over to the interviewer. Ask, "You're a doctor, is that smell normal?"

Yuck. And might I add, this is inappropriate even if your interviewer is a GI doc...

 

[Apollyon]

Let out a loud, long fart, then waft it over to the interviewer. Ask, "You're a doctor, is that smell normal?"

Or, the alternate: compel your interviewer to put $5 on the desk, and you match it. Don't tell him why, but just goad him into it. Pre-arm yourself with a lot of beef jerky, draft beer, cheese, and chili the night before, and proceed to silently drop bombs during your interview. Don't acknowledge this. As soon as your interviewer cringes, makes a face, says something, vomits, or in any way lets you know he knows, snatch up the $10 and hit him with the, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!" and smugly stride out of the room, the victor!

 

[docB]

If someone was going to do a thing like in the movie Malice where they got drunk and lightly maimed a partner who would then sue and split the cash would your malpractice insurance cover that and pay off big or would they need to wait 'til they were done with residency hypothetically?

 

[Febrifuge]

"Hey, have you seen that movie 'Flatliners?' And do you have, y'know, that one machine here?"

 

[edinOH]

"The parole board approved a weekend work release for me so call on Saturday or Sunday should not be a problem."

 

[cowbydoc]

Whoa! Is that your daughter? She doesn't look fourteen, if you know what I mean.

 

[Philo Beddo]

Some of those are truly hilarious. You should submit them to hippocritis.com.

Its a satire site run by residents. They'll send you a free T shirt if they use your material (trust me, they would).

Philo

 

[docB]

-As a doctor could I write myself excuses to get out of shifts?

-I really have to be able to telecommute.

-Hold on. I need to take this call.

-I'm allergic to latex, vinyl, saran wrap, cotton, all smells and fluorescent lights. Can you make all the ADA required accommodations for me?

-No, I’m not doing a Johnny Cash impression. This is how I really talk. And walk. And dress. Why?

-But if I had to leave Pookums here at home every day she’d get too lonely. Wouldn’t you Pookums?

 

[funkless]

Aw, bitchin'--a penilight! Can I keep this?

 

[deleted87716]

During your tour of the ED, pick up the EMS radio microphone and do your best Robin Williams impression: "Gooooooooooooood Morning, Vietnaaaaaaaaaaam!!!"

 

[group_theory]

Please don't bring your helicopter mom with you to the pre-interview dinner with the residents. The residents will definately say something to the PD.

On that note, please don't allow your helicopter mom to come in with you to the interviews, or be in the tour group of the hospital. The interviewers and the tour guide will definately notice.

On another note ... please speak for yourself and not have your mom speak for you.

 

[Tired]

<Picking up interviewer's family photo off the desk> "Is this your son? Wow, he's really handsome . . . really handsome."

Doc: "So why do you want to be an Obstetrician?"
You: <smirking> "Why do you think?"

Doc: "So why do you want to be a Pediatrician?"
You: <smirking> "Why do you think?"

Doc: "So why do you want to be an Otolaryngologist?"
You: "I thought this was an ENT interview?"

 

[buckley]

"Name a doctor who made an outstanding contribution to society? "

"Does he have to be licensed? Because my cousin gives a lot to charity, like in church. But he failed his step 2, 3 or 4--one of those, but he still calls himself a doctor. Does that count? Oh wait, wait WAIT! Like DUH? How stupid can I get? Meredith Grey! You now, from the show... Like definitely. Not only is she pretty, but she's also sexy. So she beautifies the internship program, you know. And in one episode, she showed that it is possible to be drunk and still honor your responsibility as an intern in times of emergency. That's honor, dude. What's the differene between honor and dignity? Honor sounds nicer, right? And her attending, Dr. McDreamy, really loves her. I'm sure that's because she is an excellent doctor. What else could it be, right? Awesome woman. She is epitome of girl power in medicine, like u know when women lobbied to vote. That was big, right? So she's like Smarty Spice...People say we look alike, you know...And my bff's name is also Cristina--I KNOW! I KNOW! It's like an existential calling..."

 

[Transvaal]

Great stuff you guys. I'll have a go as well:

"Well let us begin with the salary right away won't we? I'm willing to start with something as low as 200 g's...."

"God, I need a cigarette....this interview is really endless you know?"

"All jokes aside, we can discuss the working hours right? I can't miss my saturday night parties! I mean, you used to party too when you were young right, you'll probably understand."

"I gotta be honest with you, I see a lot of foreigners. Do you happen to be one of those programs who are accepting to those people. 'Cause you know, It would be disappointing if I didn't get accepted, but to lose it to a foreign person...."

"Wait! I can't do an interview without the help of these guys.......Jack, Johnny and Remy."

"My girl's waiting, so let's do this thing quickly."

"Oh and rest assured, since you're not in the national top-20 I won't have much expectations anyway. I dealt with poor kids in the past, so I'll guess I'll blend right in."

"Honestly, I'm a slacker at heart. But if you'll accept me I can have the last laugh instead of those F'n gunners you know......study 1 hour a day, 3 days a week.....can you believe that crap?"

"Look sir/toots, I'ma make ya an offa ya can't refuse.(shows resumae, LOR's, etc) Bada Bing Bada Boom, huh? Now ****ing accept me or face the ****ing consequences.

And? Great impression right? But I wasn't joking..........KIDDING! Gotta accept me now, huh, you don't run into funny docs every day!"

"I'm sorry can you speak a little louder? I do have my IPod on you know."