Thought on my personal statement intro.

[Jonbrout]

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I thought drawing the readers attention with a personal story would be one of the ways to make my essay stand out. I am curious though if this is a bit too much. I have looked over a lot of samples and they give a more straight forward approach, without much creativity. (on a side note, i am kinda having a difficult time tying my next paragraph onto this one) Your thoughts and help would be greatly appreciated.



" As delicately as I could manipulate the forceps and scalpel, I commenced the deconstruction of my very own sheep’s eye. The initial incision was difficult. It presented quite the resistance to my instrument, which could have been no younger than me, and used by numerous individuals before. As I sliced through the sclera, revealing the interworking of this organ, the vitreous humour made a hasty escape up my hand, but I was too overwhelmed by intrigue to acknowledge its presence. Through the haze of my mess I could see things I had never witnessed before. Little did I know the intricacies of my specimen and my experience would evoke such a curiosity that would eventually evolve into a career goal of practicing in the field of optometry. "

 

[KHE]

I thought drawing the readers attention with a personal story would be one of the ways to make my essay stand out. I am curious though if this is a bit too much. I have looked over a lot of samples and they give a more straight forward approach, without much creativity. (on a side note, i am kinda having a difficult time tying my next paragraph onto this one) Your thoughts and help would be greatly appreciated.



" As delicately as I could manipulate the forceps and scalpel, I commenced the deconstruction of my very own sheep’s eye. The initial incision was difficult. It presented quite the resistance to my instrument, which could have been no younger than me, and used by numerous individuals before. As I sliced through the sclera, revealing the interworking of this organ, the vitreous humour made a hasty escape up my hand, but I was too overwhelmed by intrigue to acknowledge its presence. Through the haze of my mess I could see things I had never witnessed before. Little did I know the intricacies of my specimen and my experience would evoke such a curiosity that would eventually evolve into a career goal of practicing in the field of optometry. "

I lost interest after the first sentence. You're trying to use too many big, impressive sounding words.

Read this sentence of yours again.....

"Little did I know the intricacies of my specimen and my experience would evoke such a curiosity that would eventually evolve into a career goal of practicing in the field of optometry. "

Now be honest with yourself.....

Doesn't it just sound ridiculous? The whole paragraph is like that.

Forgot all the fluffy crap-o-la.

Just stick to how you got interested in the field and what you've done to prepare yourself and what research you've done that makes you know that this is the field for you. That's what they're interested in.

 

[sayruhlou]

I agree with KHE. I think your original thought of going with a personal story is a great start. However, you might want to cut down on your use of "big words." After all, there's no sense in using a sentence like, "In the event of an unsatisfactory occurrence, we will be most obliged to remedy the situation as speedily as is humanly possible," when what you really mean is, "We'll take care of any problems that happen—quickly."

Rule of thumb: don't use words in your writing that you wouldn't normally use when carrying on a conversation. It only makes you look like you're trying too hard. In some cases, it might make your essay more difficult to read and understand as well. If what you're going for is a story, then write it like you would tell it. It is very important to be yourself! 🙂

 

[namams]

😏

I thought drawing the readers attention with a personal story would be one of the ways to make my essay stand out. I am curious though if this is a bit too much. I have looked over a lot of samples and they give a more straight forward approach, without much creativity. (on a side note, i am kinda having a difficult time tying my next paragraph onto this one) Your thoughts and help would be greatly appreciated.



" As delicately as I could manipulate the forceps and scalpel, I commenced the deconstruction of my very own sheep’s eye. The initial incision was difficult. It presented quite the resistance to my instrument, which could have been no younger than me, and used by numerous individuals before. As I sliced through the sclera, revealing the interworking of this organ, the vitreous humour made a hasty escape up my hand, but I was too overwhelmed by intrigue to acknowledge its presence. Through the haze of my mess I could see things I had never witnessed before. Little did I know the intricacies of my specimen and my experience would evoke such a curiosity that would eventually evolve into a career goal of practicing in the field of optometry. "

It kind of sounds like you're describing your first time...you know....😏

I'd just try to keep it simple...

 

[Jonbrout]

Thanks for the insight. I'll just throw it out and start over-trying to keep it basic this time.

 

[mintyjulep]

Thanks for the insight. I'll just throw it out and start over-trying to keep it basic this time.

Hi there,

While I get that you're trying to put together an interesting piece that grabs the reader's attention, you've got to remember your audience. I'm actually familiar with some folks who formerly served on an admissions committee at an opto school, and they have all said the same thing about application essays: "tell me something interesting that I haven't heard before." What makes you unique and sets you apart from all the other applicants? Why should they pick you over the pile of other applicants? Everybody has practically the same story about interest in optometry; they got glasses or contacts for the first time, they had a good experience at the optometrist, or they loved learning about the eye in anatomy class. OK, great. What else? Did you train parrots in Guatemala? Have you overcome adverse circumstances to get where you are today? Give them something to read that they haven't heard before.

 

[DellGirl]

Thanks for the insight. I'll just throw it out and start over-trying to keep it basic this time.

I definitely agree with those above. Couldn't read it. Way too many big words.

 

[coloradosky]

It'll make them ask why you're not pursuing ophthalmology instead. Remember precious character count, don't be too wordy🙂 Great for first try, don't give up! You've got the right idea to use an anecdote, that's what I did too. If it helps, here's an outline of my personal statement:

I. anecdote of my epiphanic eye incident
II. how that incident lead me to realize my desire to pursue optometry
III. how this passion was solidified (this took me 2 paragraphs, one was my experience shadowing, another was my work in a community health setting)
IV. How am I prepared for the rigor of optometry school.
V. Why I'm interested in your program, specifically, how your program matches my career goals.

What would help would be to ask optometrist what they liked and didn't like about their career. If they could redo, what would they do differently? what changes have they seen in the field, what changes do they foresee? Answers to these questions would help you with III. and you won't be seen as someone who just happened to pick this field just because🙂

Good Luck!

P.S. I think my personal statement got me all the interviews! it's super important!! It's a chance to give your app a personality. So if you can shed light into who you are as a person, that would make them want to meet you!

 

[Shnurek]

I actually had an interesting personal experience with writing the personal statement.

So one day my pre-med (health) committee told me that I have to submit a 3 page essay in order to be considered for mock interviews and a recommendation letter. So I went down to my library and typed something up within 20 minutes without giving much thought to it. Then I went to my interview and a few weeks down the line I had to write the real personal statement for OptomCAS. I took the original and checked it over many times and compressed it and re-wrote it and everything. I gave this to my pre-med committee to look it over and they said that they found my original and said it was way better because it was "from the heart". I was actually surprised because I spent 20 minutes on the original and about 3-4 hours on the edited one.

So then I used the original and just slightly modified it to compress it for OptomCAS and when it came to my SUNY interview the interviewers were very interested in my love for the outdoors. They were interested in how I, living in NYC, could enjoy the outdoors such as skiing and hiking. And I explained to them that North of where I live, hiking was just 50 minutes away and skiing 1hr and 30 min. Also I go on trips out west and stuff. Then they asked me to relate this to optometry and I talked to them about snow blindness and things of that nature.

So long story short, just be yourself, don't give it TOO much thought and don't re-edit your paper two hundred times like me.