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[vnair2]

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Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?......To get to the same side.

And that is my forum contribution for the week. Till next time.

 

[Shanomong]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?......To get to the same side.

And that is my forum contribution for the week. Till next time.

H[SIZE=-1]eisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'[/SIZE]

 

[mrboh]

H[SIZE=-1]eisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'[/SIZE]

👍👍👍

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "But you're just a subatomic particle", says the bartender, "are you sure you want a beer?". Replies the proton, "I'm positive".

 

[RockStarKDub]

What do you get when you cross a mountaineer and a mosquito?

Nothing, you can't cross a scalar and a vector!

 

[vnair2]

What do you get when you cross a mountaineer and a mosquito?

Nothing, you can't cross a scalar and a vector!

This one is top notch. I have an unlimited supply of lame math jokes, only some of which i get. Enjoy. They will either be very funny, very confusing, or a great learning experience.

Q: Why can't you grow wheat in Z/6Z?
A: It's not a field.

Q: Why do truncated Maclaurin series fit the origi-
nal function so well?
A: Because they are "Taylor" made.

Q: What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by
a limited number of people?
A: A finitely-venerated abelian grape.

or my personal favorite

Q: How many Bourbakists does it take to replace a
lightbulb?
A: Changing a lightbulb is a special case of a more
general theorem concerning the maintenance and
repair of an electrical system. To establish upper and
lower bounds for the number of personnel required,
we must determine whether the sufficient conditions
of Lemma 2.1 (Availability of personnel) and those
of Corollary 2.3.55 (Motivation of personnel) apply.
If and only if these conditions are met, we derive the
result by an application of the theorems in Section
3.1123. The resulting upper bound is, of course, a
result in an abstract measure space, in the
weak-* topology.

 

[aussie86]

Two nerdy pick up lines:

~I wish I was your derivative. Then I would be tangent to your curves!

~I wish I was DNA helicase because then I could unzip your 'genes'.

 

[CatVet2Be]

What's the square root of 69?

8 something 😀

 

[aspiringDVM]

~I wish I was DNA helicase because then I could unzip your 'genes'.

LOL, I made the mistake of telling this one to my mom, and she was absolutely aghast and scandalized 😀.

And I am going to tell the scalar/vector joke to my physics professor as soon as I get back from break .

 

[twelvetigers]

I get almost none of these. And that, my friends, is indicated in my physics grades and reluctance to take calculus. Nooo thanks.

 

[RockStarKDub]

What's the square root of 69?

8 something 😀

DIRTY math joke, I love it!!

 

[No Imagination]

The differences between an Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician

So, and an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were all on a train in Scotland, when they passed by a black sheep grazing in a pasture.

The Engineer stands up and proudly proclaims “The Sheep in Scotland are Black”

The Physicist scoffs at the Engineer and shouts, “Some Sheep in Scotland are Black”

The Mathematician, laughs amusingly to himself and quietly replies, “There is at least ONE sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side”

I always liked that one – pretty accurate (the differences I mean, never been to Scotland)

 

[Backwoods Boy]

Absolutely awful joke...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy".


A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.

 

[eventualeventer]

These two cannibals kill a missionary. They argue for a while about how to divide him up, when finally, one of them says, "Okay. You start at the head and I'll start at the feet."
So they begin their tasty feast. After a while one of them says, "Hey, this is really great. I'm having a ball."
"Slow down!" cries the other cannibal "You're eating too fast!"

 

[kayakman28]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

 

[CatVet2Be]

🤣That's hilarious and a little horrible at the same time....

 

[Shanomong]

What's the square root of 69?

8 something 😀

🤣🤣😀🤣🤣

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

LOL!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

[OnceBitten]

What's the square root of 69?

8 something 😀

LOL Love it!

These jokes are hilarious! Please keep this thread going.

Any bets as to how many of these will be told in the next cycle if one of the schools decides to toss "Tell us a joke" into their interview format? LOL

 

[Backwoods Boy]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One atoms said, "I lost an electron."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive"

 

[No Imagination]

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked
out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.

 

[No Imagination]

Something similar happened to me during one of my exit seminar questions. I was asked "What is the limiting factor that determines the size of an insect?", a very ill contrived question, as i think the prof. meant "Arthropod".

Now, the common answer is "Surface area" (as insect respiration is a function of surface area" and as size increases, SA does not increase proportionately). Another answer is "Weight of exoskeleton" (same reasoning).

I argued that the only constraint was evolutionary pressure, and that aquatic insects could easily bypass both the above constraints. In the end I passed, and its always nice to make someone look like an idiot in front of their peers.

 

[koerwk49]

Unlike many of the jokes here, this one isn't science related.

A boy comes home from school and his mom asks, "How was school?"

The boy answers, "I had sex with my teacher."

The mom replies, "You did what? I can't believe this. Go tell your father what happened!"

So the boy goes into the next room to tell his father.

"Whats up son?:

"Mom wanted me to tell you I had sex with my teacher today."

The father whispers, "Good job son. How about I buy you a present?"

So the father and son go to the bicycle store and pick out the nicest bike in the store. Afterward, they leave and the father asks, "Aren't you gonna ride your bike home?"

The son replies, "no, my butt hurts today."

 

[Skillet9886]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

 

[No Imagination]

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

This thread just hit a new low with Norris Jokes :-(

I personally HATE Chuck Norris. You know his tears cure cancer?! To bad he never cries.

 

[twelvetigers]

*sigh* 🙄

 

[vnair2]

Resisting the urge to post chuck norris jokes is proving surprisingly difficult. Instead I offer up another batch of horrible math jokes. These are guaranteed funny only if you have a math PhD or very low standards (Sadly I am the latter).

My professors seem particularly fond of proof by intimidation and proof by deferral

How to prove it. A guide for lecturers.

Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?

Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

Proof by deferral:
"We'll prove this later in the course."

Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of proof by example.

Proof by intimidation:
"Trivial."

Proof by seduction:
"Convince yourself that this is true!"

Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.

Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by eminent authority:
"I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."

Proof by personal communication:
"Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NPcomplete
[Karp, personal communication]."

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
"To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem."

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.

Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

 

[Fairyblastt]

Oh I've got a bad physics joke to share.

How many 1st year physics students does it take to screw in a light?

Not applicable. It's a second year course.

Oh yeah.

 

[kayakman28]

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll it be today?" The bear responds, "I'll have a rum……………………(long, awkward pause)…………..and coke!"

Bartender then asks, "Why the big pause?"

"Well, I'm a bear. I've had 'em my whole life!"

 

[flyhi]

These two cannibals kill a missionary. They argue for a while about how to divide him up, when finally, one of them says, "Okay. You start at the head and I'll start at the feet."
So they begin their tasty feast. After a while one of them says, "Hey, this is really great. I'm having a ball."
"Slow down!" cries the other cannibal "You're eating too fast!"

Hehehehe

 

[mrboh]

Proof by eminent authority:
“I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.”

I've seen this before but it still brings tears to my eyes

 

[vnair2]

I've seen this before but it still brings tears to my eyes

Im glad at least one person gets my jokes.