Trying times in marriage

[gogogirl167]

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I am a spouse of a resident who is about to begin his fellowship. The road has been long and hard to say the least. I am very tired and feel like my life has been spent giving him everything he needs to pursue his career. I am sure many wives feel this way and its normal. I never thought I would be in this boat where my freedom seems to be looking more important to me than a big paycheck that he will be getting in a year or so. He doesn't understand me when I talk to him and always reverts it back to me being the one that has issues because I never pursued further education (well I was trying to get you through school and residency-which to him is not an excuse-cause of course he is a doctor and therefore superman). Don't get me wrong I love my husband to death, but I am just over all of this. We are moving soon to where he will begin his fellowship and now I will have to start again with a job search. I can't tell you how many times I have had to go through that. I just want to know is there anyone out there in this situation-been with their spouse a long time and finally they are seeing the light-but is it worth it?

 

[deleted126335]

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[chasmeremed]

I can't tell you if it will get better, but I can tell you that I have had the same thoughts. It is hard to sacrifice a lot of your life. Your dreams, goals and others things do not always happen in the way you had envisioned. I think that a lot of people on this forum have encouraged independence within the relationship. I guess you just have to see if you can fit your goals and dreams into the relationship or put them off for a little while. Sorry that probably wasn't a lot of help, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I struggle with that as well.

 

[Danbo1957]

Hang in there!!

The Fellowship will be the start of his real career. So, you should spend that year planning your education and training for what you want to do. Make sure that your husband clearly understands what you want, and that he will agree to support you in those endevors... if so, "then it is, and was worth it."

 

[medgal22]

Check out http://www.medicalspouse.com/forums It has gotten many a marriage through medical school, residency, fellowship, and beyond. 🙂

 

[love24]

It seems to me that there are two issues you're struggling with: The first is whether the payoff will be worth your sacrifices in the end. I'm not sure I can weigh in on that one, because the reasons for supporting a spouse's career often differ, as do the sacrifices made. The second issue, though, and I think just as important, is that it looks like you don't feel like the sacrifices you have made are appreciated. I get this feeling from this part of your post:

He doesn't understand me when I talk to him and always reverts it back to me being the one that has issues because I never pursued further education (well I was trying to get you through school and residency-which to him is not an excuse-cause of course he is a doctor and therefore superman).

I think that that happens a lot -- that the spouses of doctors have to make huge sacrifices in their own lives for the sake of their spouse's career, and that those sacrifices are not made in the form of hours spent in a hospital. Not being in your marriage, I can't tell whether making plans for further education or something exclusively for you, and then discussing the options, would help, but at least that would lay out on the line what you want, and exactly how it would affect your spouse if you were to do that. I can say, though, that your sacrifices are appreciated here, and that you're certainly in the right place for sympathy on that front. I wish that doctors who teach at medicals schools would spend less time telling their students to make sure they get pre-nups (multiple MDs included this in their lectures at my SO's school) and more time saying that the god-complex ends at the door of the hospital, because the doctors are not the only ones making sacrifices for their careers.

 

[Polyxena]

I wish that doctors who teach at medicals schools would spend less time telling their students to make sure they get pre-nups (multiple MDs included this in their lectures at my SO's school) and more time saying that the god-complex ends at the door of the hospital, because the doctors are not the only ones making sacrifices for their careers.

AMEN

 

[AnnieNP]

www.medicalspouse.com A lifeline for medical spouses.