very serious post - dealing with family death in med school

[suckerfree]

Hi all,

I'm currently an M2. I recently lost a parent to cancer. I have been feeling really burned out lately. I find it difficult to study as much as a I need to but I still study a lot, and class attendance hasn't been the greatest; I find it a little difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I've also had very very disrupted sleep cycles. Also, when I am in class, I have a hard time with hearing about pathologies that I know my mother had. I have been considering taking only pharmacology this year as a half time student, and taking the remaining half of the curriculum next year but am a little worried about making such a big decision. The dean said half tuition now, half next year and it is completely up to me what I decide; the dean has been very supportive. I keep telling myself after barely passing things that I'll do better next time, I just need to study harder (I typically study about 4 -5 days for the weekly exam, and in the 2 days prior I work about 15 - 20 hours). I definitely performed a lot better last year. I'm worried that if I barely pass things this year like I have been, I would be walking into a bad situation in June or whenever for the boards. I'm just so overwhelmed with dealing with the worst catastrophe of my life (the death was unexpected and very painful for her, very drawn out - she was in the ICU for 30 days), but I'm not sure if I should be able to "suck it up" and deal with both my grief and what is typically considered by most to be the toughest year of med school. How do I know when to throw in the towel? Is it reasonable to think that my grief is intellectually comprising me? I just don't know if I'm making excuses for myself, but then again my mom (also an MD) used to tell me I'm too hard on myself and I never know when to quit. I'm very seriously leaning towards cutting back. It would keep my busy enough that I don't fall into an agonizing depression, it would keep my mind somewhat sharper than if I took a year off altogether, I would be able to visit my brother and father in a different state and I feel like I would be able to grieve. I figured if anything, I'm going to give one last ditch effort for another month and if I start failing exams despite my best efforts (I feel like I've barely been passing and able to maintain normalcy in my life despite best efforts), I'll know my answer. But I'm really interested to know what people's ideas are on how they usually gauge themselves on when they've had enough and when to step back and cut losses. I feel that I'm probably stuck in a pattern (and have been for most of my life) where I go through this ad hoc rationalization of my failures that I simply must not have worked hard enough, I'll work harder next time...but what do you do if you don't really have all the resources in you to meet a given challenge? I am becoming more convinced that my mom's death and suffering has taken a lot out of me but I'm just not sure how to stop doing something without feeling like a quitter.

Thank you. Peace and god bless you all.

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[drdr2010]

i am so sorry to hear about your mom. when i was in college, my dad died of cancer. it was also quite traumatic, as he got sick, had radical surgery/treatment, and died all within 7 weeks, last 3 of which were spent in the ICU and ended with my family having to make the difficult decision of turning off the respirator.
after his death, i threw myself back into school...my classes, volunteer job, work, trying to go on "as usual". but my heart wasn't really in it all. like you, i had symptoms of depression (sleep disturbances, difficulty getting out of bed, etc), but i chose to ignore them. i thought that the faster i got on with my life and resumed some semblance of normalcy, the faster i would stop hurting. i was so wrong and i hope you won't make the mistakes that i did. after nearly a year of struggling, it all caught up with me. once in medical school, my grief and stress manifested themselves physically. my arms and legs went numb, i had ascending paralysis from my legs to upper torso. i had panic attacks in lecture when we would discuss cancer. no physical findings could explain my symptoms, so someone suggested it might be psychological.
i realize now how much i had buried my pain and grief, and how i had cheated myself and my family out of the time we needed to deal with our loss.
hindsight is 20/20 of course, so who knows how things would have turned out if i had taken some time off when i first needed it, just slowed down a little, but i honestly believe it would have made the situation better. it will never be easy, by any means, but it can be more bearable when you do not have other pressures and the worry of your future career to keep in mind.
i think you should seriously consider your dean's offer of half time. you will still be in school, which will give you something to focus on without forcing you to devote all of your time and energy to it. a loss such as yours can be very emotionally and physically draining. there will always be time for you to return to M2 and focus on medicine full time again, when you are ready.
my prayers are with you and your family.

 

[suckerfree]

Thank you very much for your response. This is a huge help and I think I will sleep on my decisions. I don't think its a good idea to make really serious decisions "in the heat of the moment" so I'm probably going to spend the weekend studying for microbio, and talk to my Dean on Monday.

any further input from people reading this thread would be very much appreciated.

My thoughts go to DrDr for having endured his loss. I believe that loss can make you more compassionate and I appreciate you compassion.

i am so sorry to hear about your mom. when i was in college, my dad died of cancer. it was also quite traumatic, as he got sick, had radical surgery/treatment, and died all within 7 weeks, last 3 of which were spent in the ICU and ended with my family having to make the difficult decision of turning off the respirator.
after his death, i threw myself back into school...my classes, volunteer job, work, trying to go on "as usual". but my heart wasn't really in it all. like you, i had symptoms of depression (sleep disturbances, difficulty getting out of bed, etc), but i chose to ignore them. i thought that the faster i got on with my life and resumed some semblance of normalcy, the faster i would stop hurting. i was so wrong and i hope you won't make the mistakes that i did. after nearly a year of struggling, it all caught up with me. once in medical school, my grief and stress manifested themselves physically. my arms and legs went numb, i had ascending paralysis from my legs to upper torso. i had panic attacks in lecture when we would discuss cancer. no physical findings could explain my symptoms, so someone suggested it might be psychological.
i realize now how much i had buried my pain and grief, and how i had cheated myself and my family out of the time we needed to deal with our loss.
hindsight is 20/20 of course, so who knows how things would have turned out if i had taken some time off when i first needed it, just slowed down a little, but i honestly believe it would have made the situation better. it will never be easy, by any means, but it can be more bearable when you do not have other pressures and the worry of your future career to keep in mind.
i think you should seriously consider your dean's offer of half time. you will still be in school, which will give you something to focus on without forcing you to devote all of your time and energy to it. a loss such as yours can be very emotionally and physically draining. there will always be time for you to return to M2 and focus on medicine full time again, when you are ready.
my prayers are with you and your family.

 

[care bear]

i am so sorry to hear about the deaths of both your parents. i can't even imagine how excruciating that experience is.

i also can't believe you're still in med school! i admire that so much. however, i would think that taking a break or a reduced load would be just as admirable, because it recognizes your own humanity and as you said, the need to grieve.

i don't think any residency committee will look down on you in the future for whatever way you choose to deal with these circumstances, and if they do, well, that's a hospital i wouldn't want to work for!

i definitely think it's MORE than reasonable to believe, as you asked, that your grief is 'intellectually compromising you'. i think depression for any reason comprimises your attention span, your ability to focus, and your motivation- and on top of the physiological/psychological depression, you also have the cognitive stuff to deal with . . .the mentally and emotionally coming to deal with the fact that your Mom is gone. like i said, i can't imagine how hard that would be.

so please don't feel like a quitter if you choose to cut back!!

in any case- i pray that you will find peace in your circumstance as well as in whatever decision you make about medical school.

 

[babyruth]

I agree wiht wha tis stated above and I really think you need to take advanatge of the school counselors or some sort of help to get you through. I think it can really make a difference for you and will help you to find appropriate channels for your grief.

 

[roja]

Oh my. I am so sorry for your loss. Take comfort that you are not alone. I lost an uncle and a brother within 1 month of each other during my third year. One of my close friends father was the victim of a random racially motivated murder.

Realize that everyone copes with the death of a loved one differently. If you are having disrupted sleep, difficulty concentrating, there is no shame in taking time off to mourn with your family, to gather those you love around you and grieve. It is much healthier and wise to allow yourself to focus on your loss.

You have suffered a HUGE loss and need to take some time to be with your family and friends. My friend actually took a whole month off. She just spent time with her family and just tried to deal. It did her wonders.

Let yourself be human. Even if you take a semester off and end up graduating a year later, no residency is going to find fault. Its easier to explain an abscence than failing. I'm sure you will do okay.


You have my condolences.

 

[ekydrd]

My heart really goes out to you. I've had two classmates have family members die during med school. It has been tough on both of them. Please take some time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Medical school will still be there when you are ready to resume. We are all pulling for you. Take care.

 

[lotanna]

Please take some time off, med schl will be there, take the 1/2 time offer, focus on you right now. You have suffered a big loss, and do need to grieve. If anything, this will enable you to refocus, gain a better ground, and come back even strong. God bless you too, and keep the faith.

 

[suckerfree]

Thank you all for your kindness in these posts. I appreciate all the support and I'm planning on discussing things with my Dean on monday. I had a lot of difficulty accepting that its possible to cut back on something or to take a detour without feeling like a quitter or that the detour is necessarily "an easy way out." I think what I'll do is take just pharmacology, and sit in on and attend the other lectures. I'm in med school to learn and I want to be a med student, and I don't want to completely take time away from school and risk dulling my mental faculties that I've worked hard to develop over M1. I'll have more free time also to make use of the berievment/grief counselor we have available to us. I also feel that grief is a very real thing and it would be a mistake to repress it by going through the year, making no changes and going on with business as usual rather than give myself opportunities to focus on my grief and deal with it. repression can find very unhealthy ways of manifesting itself if one doesn't deal with the underlying issues. Believe me, I'm not happy about the idea of being on the floors 3rd year with anyone except my classmates who have been so great to me. I'm also nervous about doing something different. But doing the right thing is also usually the most difficult thing to do and my heart tells me this has to be done. If I don't take time off and miraculously barely pass M2 and the boards at the rate that I'm going, I won't have nearly as good a foundation as I would if I just cut back a little bit. I'm convinced cutting back my courseload will only make me a better human being and a better clinician in the long run.

Thank you all for your consideration. God bless you all.

 

[MeowMix]

My father died of cancer 3 months ago, earlier and younger than anyone expected. I started med school 2 months ago.

I have sometimes found it very, very difficult to be in school. I don't remember most of the last block of biochem, for example. Trying to learn anatomy was really difficult. Dissecting cadavers, talking about death in ethics class, etc. all carry another whole set of issues for me that they don't for most of my classmates. I don't know anyone in my class who has dealt with the death of a parent. I have been very fortunate to have a senior faculty member to talk to about this, someone who is experienced and kind enough to provide thoughtful advice.

I find that the grief comes in waves, and when I'm in it, it's really overwhelming. Now at least I can recognize it and tell the difference between school freakout and grieving, and I know I will go back up on the wave.

I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself - it's great that you are considering the options, instead of trying to stick it out. If my mother had died under similar circumstances to yours, I would be cutting back or taking a leave of absence. I think I am managing in school only because my father had been seriously ill for a year, I knew that he might die, and we had had a very distant relationship for many years. Still, I have been shocked at the intensity of the feelings I experience.

 

[suckerfree]

What I've noticed about grief so far is that it can affect you and move you in ways that you don't even realize. I hope the best for you and that you are able to do your best in school. Sometimes when I'm not acutely experiencing feelings of grief, I act as if nothing has happenned and everything is fine in my life. But in the back of my mind even at these times I know I'm in denial. Grief is not something you can run away from, and you can only learn to live with it. Its not something you ever get over really. It changes you. I'm hoping to make it change me for the better so that my mother can have a good legacy through me and my brother and father.

Once again, THank you to all posters for their input.

My father died of cancer 3 months ago, earlier and younger than anyone expected. I started med school 2 months ago.

I have sometimes found it very, very difficult to be in school. I don't remember most of the last block of biochem, for example. Trying to learn anatomy was really difficult. Dissecting cadavers, talking about death in ethics class, etc. all carry another whole set of issues for me that they don't for most of my classmates. I don't know anyone in my class who has dealt with the death of a parent. I have been very fortunate to have a senior faculty member to talk to about this, someone who is experienced and kind enough to provide thoughtful advice.

I find that the grief comes in waves, and when I'm in it, it's really overwhelming. Now at least I can recognize it and tell the difference between school freakout and grieving, and I know I will go back up on the wave.

I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself - it's great that you are considering the options, instead of trying to stick it out. If my mother had died under similar circumstances to yours, I would be cutting back or taking a leave of absence. I think I am managing in school only because my father had been seriously ill for a year, I knew that he might die, and we had had a very distant relationship for many years. Still, I have been shocked at the intensity of the feelings I experience.

 

[KidDr]

Wow, I'm floored by the amount of honesty and truth people have written so far. My condolences to everyone who's going through loss right now. I can only echo what has already been said. I lost my brother very unexpectedly when I was in high school, and in hindsight (20/20 of course) I wish I'd taken more time to deal with what happened. I couldn't agree more that grief is not something that you get over, but rather something you learn to live with. It also affects people differently, and most people will experience a huge range of emotions (with some ok days and other really, really bad days), especially early on. In regards to sorting out your med school schedule, you need to do what's best for you; unfortunately, that may not be all that obvious right now. I know it wasn't for me at first. It sounds like you've got people around you to help you make this decision, and that's great. If I had to speak from my gut, though, I'd say to take it easy (whether that means a leave of absence, going half-time, or whatever) and give yourself the time you need now, instead of potentially regretting it later. Blessing to you and your family in the midst of all this...

What I've noticed about grief so far is that it can affect you and move you in ways that you don't even realize. I hope the best for you and that you are able to do your best in school. Sometimes when I'm not acutely experiencing feelings of grief, I act as if nothing has happenned and everything is fine in my life. But in the back of my mind even at these times I know I'm in denial. Grief is not something you can run away from, and you can only learn to live with it. Its not something you ever get over really. It changes you. I'm hoping to make it change me for the better so that my mother can have a good legacy through me and my brother and father.

Once again, THank you to all posters for their input.

 

[fun8stuff]

"Sometimes when I'm not acutely experiencing feelings of grief, I act as if nothing has happenned and everything is fine in my life. But in the back of my mind even at these times I know I'm in denial. Grief is not something you can run away from, and you can only learn to live with it. Its not something you ever get over really. It changes you. "

This is one of the most true things I have ever heard on this subject- I have never seen my feelings described in such perfect words. In high school my stepmom died of cancer and then a year later my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer that metastasized to her brain. She was given 4 months to live, but still lives 4 years later.

There have been periods where it was assumed anything she said would be the last words she uttered, until she spoke again. Amazingly, she seems to be doing very well now. But I know where you have been and I wish you all the best. I can't help but think I might be in the same position again next year (during M1). Good luck to you.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I am so sorry to hear of both of your losses. I can't imagine handling such a loss during med school. My heart goes out to both of you in your losses.

My gf (fiance) died suddenly her freshman year of college. I had to take a month off b/c I literally could not cope with a challenging engineering program. When i got back to school, fortunately i had so much work to catch up on, i didn't let myself think, and I didn't allow myself to sleep because when i did i endured terrible nightmares and night terrors. I suffered post traumatic stress syndrome and anxiety attacks. Fortunately my dean and professors were really understanding.

You need to see a grief therapist and deal with your feelings. It is particularly difficult to study about a disease that took your parent so recently. And I can tell you months and years later, it could still be difficult. My gf died more than two years ago and sometimes something brings back the pain almost as if it happened yesterday.

Here is a discussion board which you might find helpful. People there become like a family and they certainly uibderstand how you are feeling in a way that no one else can. http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/main.pl?noframes;resetnew

 

[skypilot]

It won't hurt you. If you feel like it ... do it. Some schools even offer it as an attractive option to students who are not experiencing academic difficulty.

 

[Haiku]

i'm sorry for your loss. my mom died 8 weeks into my 3rd year after having ups and downs throughout 2nd year due to cancer. as a result, my grades and board scores weren't nearly as good as they could have been. do i regret plowing through 2nd year and not taking time off? sometimes. however, i feel like i have enough of a foundation that i'm holding my own as a 3rd year. will my board scores affect my future? possibly, i can tell you that i won't be going into derm.

i ended up taking 4 weeks off during 3rd year and saw my mom the last 4 days she was alive. when i came back, i didn't realize how emotionally distraught i was. it was tough to concentrate then, and i still have good and bad days.

i wish i could wave a magic wand and make things better, but i can't. returning to school was good for me, as it gave me something to focus on. my days off are actually worse than my 12+ hour days in the hospital.

but 2nd year is very different from 3rd year. since it seems that you'll have to split 2nd year, you could spend some time at home, then do research (which will also help your application for residency if your grades have slipped). for me, being at home for extended periods of time makes me listless--i like having things to do.

as for working with your classmates, you actually won't see that many people during 3rd year. i have no rotations with my close friends. at my institution, there are a lot of transfers in and out of classes, so i have met quite a few new classmates.

best of luck to you. it's difficult to "move on," but it sounds like you have a good support system. it's ok to grieve, and it will make you a better doctor for it. (i realize that was my mom's last gift to me--because of her, i know what patients and their families feel like.)