Weird situation with my PI. Please help

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Hey everyone,

So I've been in a very active research lab in my UG for over a year now. When I first got there, I was very active myself and spent 15-20 hours doing work every week. Now my schedule is much busier and I can't spend that much time there. I'm taking MCAT in January, I have lots of ECs going on, and now my husband and I are expecting our first little baby love <3 I've been extremely sick during my first trimester so that has slowed me down even more. However, I've managed to juggle everything in my schedule and I'm taking care of all my responsibilities.

The thing with my PI is, I emailed him about my busy fall and pregnancy, but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid he isn't going to take it well. I'm the only married student he has in the lab and when I've had to leave early or postpone a project a day or two due to wifely duties, he hasn't really understood it (even tho he is married and has kids himself). If he can't accept that my husband needs me to do X,Y, and Z for his work activity that I'm happy to involved with, how is he going to be ok with the fact I'll have a baby soon.
I think he just can't comprehend that I have a husband and our house I need to take care of. If I don't go to the market and cook dinner, there is no dinner. If I don't do the laundry, there are not clean clothes for my husband to wear at work. I'm not trying to preach myself about being a wife, but just saying that he doesn't seem to understand my life at all and treats me as if I had equally much time after school as my peers who go home where their moms have cooked dinner and washed their clothes.

Like I said before, despite of my busy fall, I am taking care of everything. I do complete my projects, but just at a tad bit slower pace than when I was working 20 hours a week.

I'm extremely worried because based on what I've read here on SDN, not having a letter from your PI is a red flag. I honest to God don't think he is going to write me a good one because of the fact that my life revolves around my husband and our baby in addition to my school and not only around school like a typical UG student's life would.

How bad is it going to be if I don't have a letter from him? What if things get heated and I have to leave the lab? Should I look for a new one (applying next cycle June -19) or just have 1 year of research in my app and that's all?

PLEASE I really need some wise minds to come together and give me some advice. I've asked about things like volunteering etc before, but nothing is as stressful to me as this thing is. I should not feel bad about starting a family with my love, but for some reason I find myself feeling so...

Thank you everyone for always helping.
 
gyngyn said:
It's a deal-breaker for MD/PhD. It's only a bit odd for MD.
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Thank you gyngyn for responding. I'm not aiming at MD/PhD.

I've talked to a few adcom members in the past year and all of them say that in the beginning, they look for reasons to throw an applicant out of the pile. Is this "odd" enough to reject me or put me at disadvantage, or more like sth that I'd be asked about in a possible interview?
 
Tommy Needs A Mango said:
I've talked to a few adcom members in the past year and all of them say that in the beginning, they look for reasons to throw an applicant out of the pile. Is this "odd" enough to reject me or put me at disadvantage, or more like sth that I'd be asked about in a possible interview?
Click to expand...
It depends. If you are an otherwise excellent candidate, it would not be enough to exclude you. If you are a marginal candidate, it might be enough to exclude you.
 
Tommy Needs A Mango said:
Hey everyone,

So I've been in a very active research lab in my UG for over a year now. When I first got there, I was very active myself and spent 15-20 hours doing work every week. Now my schedule is much busier and I can't spend that much time there. I'm taking MCAT in January, I have lots of ECs going on, and now my husband and I are expecting our first little baby love <3 I've been extremely sick during my first trimester so that has slowed me down even more. However, I've managed to juggle everything in my schedule and I'm taking care of all my responsibilities.

The thing with my PI is, I emailed him about my busy fall and pregnancy, but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid he isn't going to take it well. I'm the only married student he has in the lab and when I've had to leave early or postpone a project a day or two due to wifely duties, he hasn't really understood it (even tho he is married and has kids himself). If he can't accept that my husband needs me to do X,Y, and Z for his work activity that I'm happy to involved with, how is he going to be ok with the fact I'll have a baby soon.
I think he just can't comprehend that I have a husband and our house I need to take care of. If I don't go to the market and cook dinner, there is no dinner. If I don't do the laundry, there are not clean clothes for my husband to wear at work. I'm not trying to preach myself about being a wife, but just saying that he doesn't seem to understand my life at all and treats me as if I had equally much time after school as my peers who go home where their moms have cooked dinner and washed their clothes.

Like I said before, despite of my busy fall, I am taking care of everything. I do complete my projects, but just at a tad bit slower pace than when I was working 20 hours a week.

I'm extremely worried because based on what I've read here on SDN, not having a letter from your PI is a red flag. I honest to God don't think he is going to write me a good one because of the fact that my life revolves around my husband and our baby in addition to my school and not only around school like a typical UG student's life would.

How bad is it going to be if I don't have a letter from him? What if things get heated and I have to leave the lab? Should I look for a new one (applying next cycle June -19) or just have 1 year of research in my app and that's all?

PLEASE I really need some wise minds to come together and give me some advice. I've asked about things like volunteering etc before, but nothing is as stressful to me as this thing is. I should not feel bad about starting a family with my love, but for some reason I find myself feeling so...

Thank you everyone for always helping.
Click to expand...

Lab volunteering is a compromised position-you aren't getting paid, you're providing actual labor, but the whole time you're indentured to your PI and reliant on his #1 giving you a chance to succeed and #2 giving you a positive letter. So I want to start by saying that I recognize how tough it can be to feel awkward about the expectation of free labor in a situation where you have no power.
Now, that being said-your wifely duties are not valid excuses to leave any job early. Not even talking about being a physician. I'm talking cashier at a supermarket, OR tech, restaurant manager-none of them leave their jobs early to make family dinner or do the dishes or go to a work function. Again, I know you're providing what feels like free labor so shouldn't be held to the same expectation, but to the PI you are just another worker-why should you get treatment that no other lab tech or student receives? It is not his fault that you have less time and more responsibilities (especially with a kid on the way). I would recommend having a meeting with him to specifically set a reduced workload so that you can continue to be useful and front-of-mind while still working fewer hours overall. I'd also start priming husband to get used to doing those tasks on his own because medical school (and beyond) is not a 9-5 job.
 
OneTwoThreeFour said:
Lab volunteering is a compromised position-you aren't getting paid, you're providing actual labor, but the whole time you're indentured to your PI and reliant on his #1 giving you a chance to succeed and #2 giving you a positive letter. So I want to start by saying that I recognize how tough it can be to feel awkward about the expectation of free labor in a situation where you have no power.
Now, that being said-your wifely duties are not valid excuses to leave any job early. Not even talking about being a physician. I'm talking cashier at a supermarket, OR tech, restaurant manager-none of them leave their jobs early to make family dinner or do the dishes or go to a work function. Again, I know you're providing what feels like free labor so shouldn't be held to the same expectation, but to the PI you are just another worker-why should you get treatment that no other lab tech or student receives? It is not his fault that you have less time and more responsibilities (especially with a kid on the way). I would recommend having a meeting with him to specifically set a reduced workload so that you can continue to be useful and front-of-mind while still working fewer hours overall. I'd also start priming husband to get used to doing those tasks on his own because medical school (and beyond) is not a 9-5 job.
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Hey, thanks for commenting. I initially wrote a really long response on my phone but erased it since I dont' feel like I'm getting my message thru.
Funny how you mentioned money since majority of the UGs in my lab are getting paid (they qualify for different programs at my college). I'm not one of them though and I dont mind it.
I'm sorry I dont think I was very clear with my original comment. There are no shifts/hours so I can never "leave early" in the sense leaving early from a job shift at a restaurant or 7-eleven. When I said leave early I meant going home after my 1pm class to take care of some personal things instead of going to the lab until the evening.
 
You could just not use that letter and find a new one.
 
I didn't have a letter from my PI (granted, my research experience was limited to one summer) and it doesn't seem to have affected me at all. Congratulations on the pregnancy and good luck!
 
Tommy Needs A Mango said:
Hey everyone,

So I've been in a very active research lab in my UG for over a year now. When I first got there, I was very active myself and spent 15-20 hours doing work every week. Now my schedule is much busier and I can't spend that much time there. I'm taking MCAT in January, I have lots of ECs going on, and now my husband and I are expecting our first little baby love <3 I've been extremely sick during my first trimester so that has slowed me down even more. However, I've managed to juggle everything in my schedule and I'm taking care of all my responsibilities.

The thing with my PI is, I emailed him about my busy fall and pregnancy, but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid he isn't going to take it well. I'm the only married student he has in the lab and when I've had to leave early or postpone a project a day or two due to wifely duties, he hasn't really understood it (even tho he is married and has kids himself). If he can't accept that my husband needs me to do X,Y, and Z for his work activity that I'm happy to involved with, how is he going to be ok with the fact I'll have a baby soon.
I think he just can't comprehend that I have a husband and our house I need to take care of. If I don't go to the market and cook dinner, there is no dinner. If I don't do the laundry, there are not clean clothes for my husband to wear at work. I'm not trying to preach myself about being a wife, but just saying that he doesn't seem to understand my life at all and treats me as if I had equally much time after school as my peers who go home where their moms have cooked dinner and washed their clothes.

Like I said before, despite of my busy fall, I am taking care of everything. I do complete my projects, but just at a tad bit slower pace than when I was working 20 hours a week.

I'm extremely worried because based on what I've read here on SDN, not having a letter from your PI is a red flag. I honest to God don't think he is going to write me a good one because of the fact that my life revolves around my husband and our baby in addition to my school and not only around school like a typical UG student's life would.

How bad is it going to be if I don't have a letter from him? What if things get heated and I have to leave the lab? Should I look for a new one (applying next cycle June -19) or just have 1 year of research in my app and that's all?

PLEASE I really need some wise minds to come together and give me some advice. I've asked about things like volunteering etc before, but nothing is as stressful to me as this thing is. I should not feel bad about starting a family with my love, but for some reason I find myself feeling so...

Thank you everyone for always helping.
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Congratulations on your first child!! That is so exciting😍!

On a side note OP, I hope your husband can help you more with the household chores, because that first trimester is the absolute worst :vomit:. You need all the rest you can get! He probably should be doing all your shopping, laundry and cleaning for you until you get past that phase.
I also hope he will not expect you to do all your wifely duties while in med school since you will most likely not have any time.
And I really really hope he will help with at least 50% (if not more) of the childcare responsibilities.

Take care of yourself and best of luck to you 🙂
 
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It's not a big deal. It sucks, but not something to lose sleep over. Get a Rec from someone else.
 
Tommy Needs A Mango said:
Hey everyone,

So I've been in a very active research lab in my UG for over a year now. When I first got there, I was very active myself and spent 15-20 hours doing work every week. Now my schedule is much busier and I can't spend that much time there. I'm taking MCAT in January, I have lots of ECs going on, and now my husband and I are expecting our first little baby love <3 I've been extremely sick during my first trimester so that has slowed me down even more. However, I've managed to juggle everything in my schedule and I'm taking care of all my responsibilities.

The thing with my PI is, I emailed him about my busy fall and pregnancy, but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid he isn't going to take it well. I'm the only married student he has in the lab and when I've had to leave early or postpone a project a day or two due to wifely duties, he hasn't really understood it (even tho he is married and has kids himself). If he can't accept that my husband needs me to do X,Y, and Z for his work activity that I'm happy to involved with, how is he going to be ok with the fact I'll have a baby soon.
I think he just can't comprehend that I have a husband and our house I need to take care of. If I don't go to the market and cook dinner, there is no dinner. If I don't do the laundry, there are not clean clothes for my husband to wear at work. I'm not trying to preach myself about being a wife, but just saying that he doesn't seem to understand my life at all and treats me as if I had equally much time after school as my peers who go home where their moms have cooked dinner and washed their clothes.

Like I said before, despite of my busy fall, I am taking care of everything. I do complete my projects, but just at a tad bit slower pace than when I was working 20 hours a week.

I'm extremely worried because based on what I've read here on SDN, not having a letter from your PI is a red flag. I honest to God don't think he is going to write me a good one because of the fact that my life revolves around my husband and our baby in addition to my school and not only around school like a typical UG student's life would.

How bad is it going to be if I don't have a letter from him? What if things get heated and I have to leave the lab? Should I look for a new one (applying next cycle June -19) or just have 1 year of research in my app and that's all?

PLEASE I really need some wise minds to come together and give me some advice. I've asked about things like volunteering etc before, but nothing is as stressful to me as this thing is. I should not feel bad about starting a family with my love, but for some reason I find myself feeling so...

Thank you everyone for always helping.
Click to expand...
If you're that worried about not getting a letter from him, couldn't you just leave out the research in the Work/Activities section of AMCAS? You can showcase whatever you want in your apps.

To me it seems your biggest concern should be about your ability to do med school with a partner who doesn't seem to be all that helpful. Are you going to hire a nanny/cook? Will your parents or in-laws come in and help you out once you start med school? When you have to be at school all day (8-6) who's going to go to the market, then cook, do laundry, clean the house, etc.? Rotations are even worse. Surgery rotations may have you at the hospital at 5am and not leaving until 9pm, 5 days a week. Does your husband understand you will most definitely not be at home in a timely manner all the time once you start med school? I'm asking just "cus I'm curious."
 
“I think he just can't comprehend that I have a husband and our house I need to take care of. If I don't go to the market and cook dinner, there is no dinner. If I don't do the laundry, there are not clean clothes for my husband to wear at work. I'm not trying to preach myself about being a wife, but just saying that he doesn't seem to understand my life at all and treats me as if I had equally much time after school as my peers who go home where their moms have cooked dinner and washed their clothes. “


You’re pregnant, going to school, working in a lab etc and doing all of these “wifely” duties. Give yourself a break. Volunteers can quit so quit the lab so your health isn’t impacted. Quit so you have some time for you to just sit and relax. You deserve it and you are entitled to spoil yourself and even enjoy this wondrous time in your life.

Now to a real concern: what is your husband doing to help you? There isn’t one activity in that list that he couldn’t be doing to help you. What are you going to do after the baby is born. Who is going to watch the baby? How are you going to do all of those “wifely duties” plus the mothering stuff and the you stuff? You’re going to need your husband to step up. And you haven’t even gotten to med school yet. Maybe he is helpful but your post doesn’t indicate that. If you don’t shop and cook you won’t starve. You’ll order out or go out. Your husband can do the laundry too. If not have him drop it off at a Fluff and Fold. It might be time for a talk with him . It’s only just beginning.

Enjoy the next few months and rest up. You’ll need it. ❤️
 
Going to add to what the previous users have said: have a chat with your husband about dividing the household chores. Perhaps teach him how to do the laundry or guide him in what groceries to buy. Work as a team because you seem to be going through a lot!
 
Have you gotten out of the experience what you wanted? Honestly, it sounds like you're only going to get MORE busy, not less, and you may not have time for lab at all in the next year. If you feel that you've put in a sufficient amount of work to know that you don't want to be an MD/PhD (lol), would it be possible to negotiate an end date with your PI? You're taking the MCAT in January, giving birth, and submitting AMCAS--even without that middle one, you'd be needing to take time from lab. If you can negotiate an acceptable end date with your PI, you can also ask for a letter now (before things may sour) and then you don't get stuck in a horrible arrangement of both you and your PI being frustrated by your incompatible needs.
 
I agree with others, the main issue is that you're probably working as many hours as your husband (being a student, doing EC's, and research) and on top of all that you're doing all the housework while he sits back. IMO that is not fair.

My partner was a medical student until this summer (now a resident!) and he and I shared household responsibilities (sometimes he did more) when I worked a difficult full time position. Since he started residency, I've been working part time (2 days a week) and he still does the laundry (we fold together), takes care of our cat, and goes grocery shopping with me if time permits. This is just proof that you can share chores even if your partner has a demanding job.

A good way to start is to do chores with your husband. Load the laundry together and then fold the clothes together. Get groceries together. You cook and he washes dishes. If you're tired to cook you two can order take out or make sandwiches. When you share the responsbilities it's more fun and cuts the time with chores in half! Our husbands/bf/fiancees are our partners, not our babies 🙂 Especially with the little one on the way and med school down the line you'll need his help even more! It is doable and it is possible. Now is a good time to start.

As far as the letter of rec, get another one or if you have other strong ones I wouldn't worry about it. I did 1 year of research (summer program and at my school during the school year) and I didn't get a letter from them. I wasn't really into it and my passion was more in my other EC's. Those letters are strong and say more about my character than the research one.
 
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The importance of research seems hugely overstated on SDN. I don't think not having a letter would be a problem at all. Prioritize! It's not worth breaking your back for a measly letter (or poster, or dare I say pub if you aren't looking at top schools). My research involvement (which is extensive) has barely come up at all in my interviews.
 
Thanks everyone for commenting.
To be honest, I was reading some of the comments earlier today and I really just wanted to deactivate my account. I cannot believe that some people enjoy the anonymous status so much that they totally (willingly) miss the point in my OP (situation with my PI) and instead blame my husband and say he's a problem etc. I have no obligation to explain my life to anyone in here but I will say that my husband is the most caring, loving, and hardworking man I've seen. He DOES help me. My nausea has been so horrific in the recent weeks that I haven't been able to do much other than living in the bathroom vomiting or trying to catch up with school work. He leaves the house at 7 and comes back home 8-9, sometimes earlier, and that's why I wouldn't wanna have him do all the house work. I bring financially nothing to this marriage and I appreciate everything he has done for me and us and therefore I feel bad for always asking him to cook or do laundry or vacuum. Point being here that he does help but that doesn't mean that now during my pregnancy, the little cooking I can do wouldn't feel overwhelming to me since I'm so sick all the time. This sickness eats away the time I have for things in general, so maybe that's why all my wifely duties + other things feel like take more than away from my research than previously.

For everyone who responded to my real dilemma here or who congratulated us or was a decent human being, thank you <3 Maybe I'm a little too softie for this online anonymous chatting, or my pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me but I really can't deal with the idiotic comments ive received...

Peace and love
 
I agree with pretty much all the points stated above, but I also want to add a few points that I feel like were not mentioned and are also relevant. I'm sorry, this will kind of be a long post, but maybe it will be helpful to someone?

1. Wifely Duties & Life Stuff. The fact of the matter is that everyone has life stuff going on and each person chooses how to balance their lifestyle, ambitions, financial and familial obligations to meet their circumstances. Because of this, you shouldn't expect employers and bosses to empathize and "understand" when life gets in the way of work. Frankly, they can always say, "Well, if you had X, Y, and Z thing going on and taking up all your time, then you shouldn't be working here."

2. Professionalism. Regardless of whether a role is paid or unpaid, any employer or supervisor has the right to expect a professional attitude from volunteers and employees. That includes getting things done on time and meeting expectations. Especially for labs, it can be sometimes more work/effort to deal with an unprofessional volunteer than to just not have a volunteer at all. I would be careful about assuming that you're giving your PI "free labor"-- working with a knowledgeable professor on projects you would otherwise not have the access or context to do is a privilege.

3. Managing Expectations. This is something I wish I learned to do in UG, and had to pay a high price to learn it working in industry: expectations, timeline, and even deadlines can be managed if done in advance!

(1) Upon entering a lab, you need to be realistic about how much time you can commit. If that's only 10 hours a week, you need to be upfront:
"While I'm really excited and grateful for the opportunity to work in your lab, realistically I can only commit about 10 hours of work a week due to the fact that I'm raising a family and taking classes. Do you think that time commitment would be sufficient to contribute to this project?"

If it's a life change like pregnancy, you also need to be upfront and honest:
"I know that for the past year I've been working about 20 hours a week here and that seems to have worked well so far. However, I'm expecting a child in [DATE] and that will be a major life change. Realistically, I think I will only be able to commit 8 hours a week after [DATE]. I would love to continue working on this project, but do you think that would be enough to continue making progress?"

If the answer to either of these is no, then you need to respectfully back out of working there. Important: If you are in the middle of a project, you need to offer to help offboard and transition your project into a stable position where it can be taken up by someone else (writing documentation and protocols, etc.)

(2) Many supervisors are reasonable people who are open to realistic adjustments if they are done in advance. If your boss is asking for something done in one week, don't just say yes on reflex-- stop and ask yourself if that's realistically possible before you commit! As someone who has managed teams of employees, there's nothing that irritates me more than people asking me for deadline extensions the day before it's due, whereas I would have had no problem if they had asked me a week ago.

(Upon a task being assigned)
"I'm not sure that a week is enough time to complete this project. If we divide this project into two parts, I think I could finish part A within a week since it is a higher priority, and I estimate that part B would take another 4 days. Would that work?"

(A good amount of time before the task is due)
"I have been working on the task so far and after scoping out the extent of the work required, I feel that I might not be on target to meet our original deadline due to X, Y and Z factors (where XYZ are good reasons or unexpected complications). Would it be possible to extend the deadline by a week to (...)? Alternatively, I could complete part A by our original date and finish part B in another 3 days, if that would be preferable."

If your instinct tells you that you're not getting a good recommendation from this professor, I would agree with everyone else and say that you need to cut your losses and leave. If you're worried about a red flag, don't put this experience on your application. This applies to all professions: be upfront with your time commitments and life changes, and manage expectations to maintain a positive relationship with your supervisor.
 
ays0110 said:
I agree with pretty much all the points stated above, but I also want to add a few points that I feel like were not mentioned and are also relevant. I'm sorry, this will kind of be a long post, but maybe it will be helpful to someone?

1. Wifely Duties & Life Stuff. The fact of the matter is that everyone has life stuff going on and each person chooses how to balance their lifestyle, ambitions, financial and familial obligations to meet their circumstances. Because of this, you shouldn't expect employers and bosses to empathize and "understand" when life gets in the way of work. Frankly, they can always say, "Well, if you had X, Y, and Z thing going on and taking up all your time, then you shouldn't be working here."

2. Professionalism. Regardless of whether a role is paid or unpaid, any employer or supervisor has the right to expect a professional attitude from volunteers and employees. That includes getting things done on time and meeting expectations. Especially for labs, it can be sometimes more work/effort to deal with an unprofessional volunteer than to just not have a volunteer at all. I would be careful about assuming that you're giving your PI "free labor"-- working with a knowledgeable professor on projects you would otherwise not have the access or context to do is a privilege.

3. Managing Expectations. This is something I wish I learned to do in UG, and had to pay a high price to learn it working in industry: expectations, timeline, and even deadlines can be managed if done in advance!

(1) Upon entering a lab, you need to be realistic about how much time you can commit. If that's only 10 hours a week, you need to be upfront:
"While I'm really excited and grateful for the opportunity to work in your lab, realistically I can only commit about 10 hours of work a week due to the fact that I'm raising a family and taking classes. Do you think that time commitment would be sufficient to contribute to this project?"

If it's a life change like pregnancy, you also need to be upfront and honest:
"I know that for the past year I've been working about 20 hours a week here and that seems to have worked well so far. However, I'm expecting a child in [DATE] and that will be a major life change. Realistically, I think I will only be able to commit 8 hours a week after [DATE]. I would love to continue working on this project, but do you think that would be enough to continue making progress?"

If the answer to either of these is no, then you need to respectfully back out of working there. Important: If you are in the middle of a project, you need to offer to help offboard and transition your project into a stable position where it can be taken up by someone else (writing documentation and protocols, etc.)

(2) Many supervisors are reasonable people who are open to realistic adjustments if they are done in advance. If your boss is asking for something done in one week, don't just say yes on reflex-- stop and ask yourself if that's realistically possible before you commit! As someone who has managed teams of employees, there's nothing that irritates me more than people asking me for deadline extensions the day before it's due, whereas I would have had no problem if they had asked me a week ago.

(Upon a task being assigned)
"I'm not sure that a week is enough time to complete this project. If we divide this project into two parts, I think I could finish part A within a week since it is a higher priority, and I estimate that part B would take another 4 days. Would that work?"

(A good amount of time before the task is due)
"I have been working on the task so far and after scoping out the extent of the work required, I feel that I might not be on target to meet our original deadline due to X, Y and Z factors (where XYZ are good reasons or unexpected complications). Would it be possible to extend the deadline by a week to (...)? Alternatively, I could complete part A by our original date and finish part B in another 3 days, if that would be preferable."

If your instinct tells you that you're not getting a good recommendation from this professor, I would agree with everyone else and say that you need to cut your losses and leave. If you're worried about a red flag, don't put this experience on your application. This applies to all professions: be upfront with your time commitments and life changes, and manage expectations to maintain a positive relationship with your supervisor.
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I definitely agree with everything you said. I just want to note that it was another commenter who said I'm doing "free labor". I never had any issues with not getting paid since I never expected that in the first place and like you said, I recognize that I'm learning from a great scientist and that is enough for me. I have been professional throughout this whole time so thats that.
Thank you for commenting
 
@Tommy Needs A Mango I think you might be getting a bit unnecessarily defensive here. Your overarching question of whether not getting a LOR from a PI given your worries that it may not be strong has been answered. I would echo the sentiment that it would be a bit weird, but wouldn't be the one thing that keeps you out.

Although I am positive you did not intend this, your original post made it seem like the reason behind the LOR question is that you had to prioritize your family responsibilities over your lab responsibilities, which is all well and fine. Members reading your post were (understandably) concerned that if you had to cut back on your lab time for these responsibilities, how would you be able to tackle both these responsibilities as well as the added responsibilities of med school, where things begin to become a lot less flexible in terms of how you get to spend your time? This is amplified by the fact that you'll soon add a new member to your family and thus those responsibilities are added as well. Again, although I'm sure this was not your intention, there was a lot in your post about what you're doing to help your husband and not much about what he is doing to help you. I think users were speaking from a place of compassionate concern when they ask about how you and your husband are going to jointly tackle your familial and soon parental responsibilities once your time becomes a lot more limited. I don't think anyone was trying to vilify your husband, but instead make sure you and your husband are prepared for what will happen once you begin medical school. I don't think they deserved you jumping down their throats.

One thing I would add that might be important to think about is that you say your PI doesn't seem to understand the responsibilities that you have at home and unfortunately you may have professors, PIs, and (most importantly) residents and attendings that may not understand this either (or at least not as well as you think they should). You need to be prepared for that possibility and have a strategy to address that, and other members have suggested possible solutions to explore, but I wouldn't go into medical school thinking that this will be a one time thing (not saying that this is what you are doing, just that you should go in forewarned).
 
This may have been stated already but it’s time to have an honest conversation.

1. Be honest.
2. Lay out the facts.
3. Be empathetic to his work and lab. That is important to him. Be grateful for the opportunity.
4. State what your intentions are.
5. State that you enjoy what you are doing and wish to continue in X capacity.
6. State that you would love for him to write you a recommendation based on the work you have done. Ask if he may write you a strong letter.
7. Find out where you stand.
8. Be straightforward.
 
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