When to become a Dad

[jp6285]

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This may have been asked in the past, but I was unable to find a good search result.

I am in the middle of working on my post bacc work now and will be applying for admission in the spring. My wife and I currently have no kids, but would like to start as soon as it makes sense. Any advise/experiences from people who have had kids during or just prior to med school would be a huge help.

 

[vc7777]

This may have been asked in the past, but I was unable to find a good search result.

I am in the middle of working on my post bacc work now and will be applying for admission in the spring. My wife and I currently have no kids, but would like to start as soon as it makes sense. Any advise/experiences from people who have had kids during or just prior to med school would be a huge help.

Hmmm...I have a friend on SDN who had a guaranteed acceptance contingent on a 1 year deferral two cycles ago. During this past year he had his first kid. He is in the thick of his first semester of school and hard to find even IRL (which should give you pause)...but I will see if he can log on and reply.

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[vc7777]

Also, as a rule of thumb, it is never a good time to have a kid. Some points in life are just less-sucky than others for having them.

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[montessori2md]

I started medical school while our kid was in preschool, but I'm the mom. Like it or not, whether or not you are the one who is pregnant does make a difference 😉 Many of my classmates became fathers before/during medical school, and as far as I know, in all cases they are happy parents.
The real hardship is financial, especially if your spouse is currently working, or if she has loans to pay off and not working will cause her to rack up a ton of interest. Some spouses have made that work by working nights/weekends so they can be home while the student is in class. In my case, my mother moved in with us, so my DH has kept his job, but non-nuclear families aren't for everyone.
I personally don't think becoming a dad in medical school (or just prior) is a big deal, as long as your spouse is supportive, the two of you have realistic expectations, and are well educated about what lies ahead and plan well, realizing that those plans will likely not work, so you also must be flexible. Read blogs (I read Panda's blog back in the day), and describe to her how much work/time/$$ is involved.
Your school should be supportive and help you deal with, say, delaying an exam because you went to watch the birth of your child. On the flip side, you and your family need to deal with the fact that you may miss birthdays and other special occasions because you are on call, because you need to study, etc. That will carry into your medical practice, so this is not a "when" but "if" issue.
This is great for an independent spouse who makes new friends easily and does her own thing. This is terrible for a spouse who is accustomed to discussing every tiny decision with you, who expects to spend several hours each evening with you, who expects you to drop everything each time the baby kicks, attend every prenatal appt, hold her hair when she pukes. This is also terrible if YOU want to be the guy who does all these things, as well as being present the first time the baby smiles, etc. I had to let go of a lot of control in parenting, because I was no longer the primary caregiver once I started med school (I became one of 3 caregivers). She'll need to be the main decision maker regarding when the baby sleeps, what the baby eats, discipline, etc, because she has to deal the consequences of those decisions more than you do.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

Also, as a rule of thumb, it is never a good time to have a kid. Some points in life are just less-sucky than others for having them.

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i disagree with this and i think the right mentality is "you will never be ready for a kid." I am applying to med school now so i don't know how med truly is with kids, only speculation and other stories. I have 3 little ones ages 6, 4, and 3. The amount of money they require is insane. The amount of attention they need is insane. Everything about them is insane, but 100% worth it (for me).

You will never be ready because you never know what is going to happen. All of my children are healthy, so that's great. My daughter (the 6 year old) is in dance and she was told she is the best dancer in the entire studio at her age, so she was asked to be on company. This is about $150/month in addition to the $100/month for her regular classes. They also have company outfits and bags which are optional at $150 but everyone gets them (so as a parent, they aren't optional). I am only telling you this because my wife and i didn't expect her to be into dance at all. The money is just going to get worse as she gets older so we need to prepare. And remember, I also have 2 sons.

It is really up to you and your family. People also need to understand that parenting is a team effort. When my wife wasn't breastfeeding, I was up in the middle of the night just as much as she was. There are times that I need to study or work and I miss things, other times I say "this test isn't that important." So understand, there will likely be sacrifices on both sides. How important is that to you?

If I were to give advice, assuming you are going to be a fairly good father, I would say try to have the child at least a year old when you start. They are generally sleeping through the night at that age, they still sleep quite a bit, and can sometimes entertain themselves. This will increase as they get older. Too old and they start requiring a crap ton of money, which if you wife plans on working and makes good money can be prepared for. Any younger requires more direct attention for longer periods.

This is entirely my experience.

 

[ejw5075]

This may have been asked in the past, but I was unable to find a good search result.

I am in the middle of working on my post bacc work now and will be applying for admission in the spring. My wife and I currently have no kids, but would like to start as soon as it makes sense. Any advise/experiences from people who have had kids during or just prior to med school would be a huge help.

My advice will depend on what your wife does (is her job flexible, is she in school, how is your financial situation) and how you see yourself as a parent (having to be physically present all the time, quality vs quantity attitude, etc). Medical school might actually be a better time to have a child compared to residency but I wouldn't rush into that until you see how well you handle the workload.

I am currently in my first year of medical school and living away from my husband and four year old daughter. It is brutal. I submitted an exam absence form yesterday for May of next year because otherwise I am going to miss my daughter's fifth birthday. I'm already going to miss her first day of Kindergarten and watching her trick or treat on Halloween. I tell you this because you never know where you will end up and whether it is feasible for your wife/child to move with you. If you are anything like me, you are reading this and saying "that will never happen to me"...just remember that applying to medical school is nothing like undergrad, some of us don't end up in the most ideal situations geographically but we take what we can get. Even applicants with many options end up far away from family temporarily.

I agree that there is no good time to have a child AND that you will never be truly "Ready" to have a child but I think it is important that you are settled before you do. Whether that be settled in medical school, confident that you can handle the workload on 1/2 as much sleep, 1/2 as much concentration and 1/2 as much money or settled as a resident, attending, whatever. That being said, life comes first and no career path should stop you from having a family on your own terms.

 

[Northwesterly]

I have 3 little ones ages 6, 4, and 3. The amount of money they require is insane. The amount of attention they need is insane. Everything about them is insane.

Too true.

OP, if you're planning on applying this spring for the class of 2017, my advice to your wife would be: get pregnant now. I'm currently a about 100 days into the whole parenthood thing, and frankly it makes last summer's Orgo+full-time work+volunteering look like a piece of cake. I actually applied (narrowly, locally) last year, and failing to get in may have been a blessing in disguise. While I never had enough time to spend on secondaries this summer, starting medical school next fall with a 15 month-old actually seems kind of do-able.
MS1 with a 1-6 month old, on the other hand? That sounds to me like a recipe for years and years and years of therapy for everyone involved. Newborns take a *ton* of time and attention, and unless you plan everything *just* right (I'm talking an elective cesarean the day after Step 1 kind of deal) you're going to be dumping a literal bag of $**t in your partner's lap if you have a kid during med school. (Not saying some people can't handle that. But still...)

It's definitely good to think hard, though. There's a lot of talk on SDN about "being sure about medicine," because "there's no going back once you go into debt." Sure. But, you know, there's *really* no going back once that little purple dude (or dudette) pops screaming into the world.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

 

[SisterDisco08]

i disagree with this and i think the right mentality is "you will never be ready for a kid." I am applying to med school now so i don't know how med truly is with kids, only speculation and other stories. I have 3 little ones ages 6, 4, and 3. The amount of money they require is insane. The amount of attention they need is insane. Everything about them is insane, but 100% worth it (for me).

You will never be ready because you never know what is going to happen. All of my children are healthy, so that's great. My daughter (the 6 year old) is in dance and she was told she is the best dancer in the entire studio at her age, so she was asked to be on company. This is about $150/month in addition to the $100/month for her regular classes. They also have company outfits and bags which are optional at $150 but everyone gets them (so as a parent, they aren't optional). I am only telling you this because my wife and i didn't expect her to be into dance at all. The money is just going to get worse as she gets older so we need to prepare. And remember, I also have 2 sons.

Just chiming in as a former dancer--yes. It's going to be awful. Lots of stress, competition, and money. But if she loves it, it's worth it. Dance/performing art moms can be AWFUL women.