wife left in residency

[holymoly123]

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I am posting this to get some advice.

My wife abruptly left me and took my children hundreds of miles away 1 month into starting my residency program. I believe I may be in danger of failing out.

What are my options in terms of leave, putting residency off for a year, finding a new program/specialty, etc.

Please advise.


Thanks.

 

[sam1999]

I am posting this to get some advice.

My wife abruptly left me and took my children hundreds of miles away 1 month into starting my residency program. I believe I may be in danger of failing out.

What are my options in terms of leave, putting residency off for a year, finding a new program/specialty, etc.

Please advise.


Thanks.

Did she run away with another man?

 

[Winged Scapula]

You need to talk to your PD.

Your *potential* options include:

- using some vacation time to discuss things with your wife and returning to your current program (hopefully with her and the kids)

- taking unpaid leave of absence and doing the same; FMLA is generally not an option for someone just starting residency

- quitting your program and going through the match next year - another location, another specialty - that's up to you

- your program director may or may not allow you to leave and come back next year; they may offer you a position outside of the match or require you to go back through the match; they may offer you nothing and say if you leave, that's it

You have no idea really what your options are until you talk with your PD.

You also need to talk to your wife - if she is unwilling to stay where you currently are and you want your marriage to survive, it sounds like staying at your current program is not an option. The question is whether or not the problems in your marriage predated residency or whether she was unprepared for what the job entailed. If its the latter, a new residency in another location may not be the solution.

Best of luck to you...

 

[Taurus]

What residency are you in? Neurosurgery?

 

[michaelrack]

Did your wife cross state lines with the kids?

You may have some legal options if she did- you need a good attorney

 

[NotAProgDirector]

- taking unpaid leave of absence and doing the same; FMLA is generally not an option for someone just starting residency.

FMLA is unpaid leave. The only differences I can see are:

1. FMLA requires that the employer continue health benefits (although they can require that the employee continue to pay their share. Assuming that the employee share had been deducted from paychecks, the employee would be responsible for paying that to the employer each pay period.)

2. FMLA guarantees that an equal / equivalent spot is still available upon your return.

Although FMLA is only required by law after employees have worked more than one year, many large institutions may extend FMLA like benefits to everyone. It is worth asking.

 

[DarthNeurology]

I am posting this to get some advice.

My wife abruptly left me and took my children hundreds of miles away 1 month into starting my residency program. I believe I may be in danger of failing out.

What are my options in terms of leave, putting residency off for a year, finding a new program/specialty, etc.

Please advise.


Thanks.

I would continue with residency while consulting a lawyer in your state who is an expert in family law. My reasons for recommeding this course of action are:

1. It will be hard to get another residency, especially a competitive one, as program director might think that you are somehow "unstable" and would be at risk for not finishing another residency due to your family concerns.

2. If you eventually decide to file for some sort of custody, then having a stable job, i.e. being in residency, will help.

3. Realize that even if you go to the city where your wife is, she may not allow you to see your children. The police possibly can't help you as you need to probably first: divorce your wife (if this is the case that she never wants to see you again), file for joint custody.

This sort of legal stuff takes months to be processed, i.e. it might six or more months for a family court to hear your case, and if your wife doesn't want to let you see the kids, then there isn't much you can do in the immediate future, i.e. the next eight months.

It is important to quickly file for divorce and joint custody, as with some states you can prove that your childrens' primary state of residence is the state you are in, AND if you get partial custody then she can't just up and move to another state. Regardless, it will take a lot of legal work to see your children again, but it will happen if you play your cards close to your chest and get legal help asap.

If you believe your wife is mentally unstable then alert the authorities, but otherwise you face an uphill battle. I sort of get the feeling that your wife wants to leave you for good, maybe get child support payments, and basically try to keep you out of your kids' lives. Don't worry, with legal help you will get half time, unless you have abused them or her or use drugs. You don't want to spend the next not working and just meeting with a lawyer ever two weeks. I wouldn't recommend following your wife to the new state, as she might file harassment charges against you, i.e. stalking.

Family courts are well aware of parents who try to take the kids and move to another state to hurt the other parent, it is not fair, a father has a right to see his children and the courts will let you do that in the state you are in. You do NOT need to quit residency, with the court's help they will force your wife to give you custody rights in the state you are in, and for example in my state, you have to tell the other parent when you take the child more than 75 miles outside of the city.

If you get partial custody in the state where your children have been living most of their lives within the past couple years, i.e. the state you are in now, and your wife doesn't bring them back to your state, states cooperate on child custody stuff like this and she can be arrested and the children brought back forcibly. Remember the law is on your side, but it will take you up to a year to get what you deserve as their father.

4. Being an intern might be good as it will take your mind off the issue at hand. Family courts are jammed packed, it might take six months to get a hearring. And yes, your wife will be forced to come back to your primary state of residence AND if you get joint custody it will be where you are completing your residency.

5. Keep your paying job, the economy is bad right now, and you may be required to pay child support soon, and you will have some legal bills if you decide to fight to see your children.

6. If move to where your wife is, and she won't let you see the kids, then you might as well be in another state.

 

[DrJosephKim]

Your comment that you may be "failing out" needs further explanation. Some people decide to take a break from clinical medicine and they explore options on the non-clinical side. Perhaps that may be worth some consideration.

As others have mentioned, you should speak with your PD and get an attorney.

 

[dragonfly99]

Wow, some people on here are really hanging the black crepe paper...with only basically a one sentence post from the OP. Not all women are evil money-grubbers with malicious intent...

OP, I agree with Dr. Kim - I think it would help us give better advice if we knew a little about why you think you are going to "fail out". I think pretty much every intern thinks he/she is incompetent at this point in the year...actually you kind of are, but that's all part of being an intern.

I agree with others who have posted recommending that you not be too quick to drop out of your program...it's probably better not to bail out too quick, especially if you don't have a clear backup plan. I understand this must be super stressful for you, and I'm sure most of us can't imagine exactly HOW stressful. However, having no job would probably also be super stressful, and as some have pointed out, you might need to show gainful employment if custody issues come into play later.

I think you need to level with your PD ASAP, unless he/she is a complete ogre. First I would just ask for 2 weeks to a month of leave...you could have them use your vacation time/leave if you want. You basically really need some time to clear your head and figure out what is going on with your wife and your relationship. I doubt it's the residency that caused this...I mean, you've only been a resident for a month, so I'm thinking this problem started way before that. I don't disagree with getting an attorney and thinking that this all could potentially lead to a divorce, but it seems like it would also be a good idea to see if you can sit down and talk w/your wife one on one, one adult to another, and discuss what is going on from both your points of view.

I really think you do need a leave of absence, just because being an intern is so hard and until you at least have some clarity/explanations about what is going on in your personal life, I don't see how you can concentrate on your residency. I would think that for most specialties, a PD would be willing to do this for you, at least for 2-4 weeks, because it's hard to find a good resident part way into the year. I guess it depends on what specialty you are in, though...if this is neurosurgery or general surg. or ortho or something, you may be SOL. Most IM or psych program directors would probably be cool with letter you have a couple of weeks off, particulary if it's a decent sized program where having a person out doesn't create some huge scheduling snafu.

 

[kralwok]

wow.... i'm not sure a lawyer is at all the way to go!! geesh.

definitely talk to your program director. generally they are very understanding in these sorts of circumstances and will allow you to take some time off if need be.

i guess it is a little hard to give advice not knowing your exact circumstances, but if you think there is a chance of reconciliation then i think it is much more important to try to save your marriage than to continue residency right now. residency will always be there waiting for you, especially if you only take a short time off. sorry you are going through this 🙁. residency is hard enough even with a very supportive family.

 

[CambieMD]

I am posting this to get some advice.

My wife abruptly left me and took my children hundreds of miles away 1 month into starting my residency program. I believe I may be in danger of failing out.

What are my options in terms of leave, putting residency off for a year, finding a new program/specialty, etc.

Please advise.


Thanks.

This is a tough one. If you leave your residency, you will be unemployed. Your leaving residency will not guarentee that you will reunite with your wife.
I would say try to open the lines of comunication with your wife and find out why she left. Do no leave your job at this point.

Cambie

 

[CambieMD]

I would continue with residency while consulting a lawyer in your state who is an expert in family law. My reasons for recommeding this course of action are:

1. It will be hard to get another residency, especially a competitive one, as program director might think that you are somehow "unstable" and would be at risk for not finishing another residency due to your family concerns.

2. If you eventually decide to file for some sort of custody, then having a stable job, i.e. being in residency, will help.

3. Realize that even if you go to the city where your wife is, she may not allow you to see your children. The police possibly can't help you as you need to probably first: divorce your wife (if this is the case that she never wants to see you again), file for joint custody.

This sort of legal stuff takes months to be processed, i.e. it might six or more months for a family court to hear your case, and if your wife doesn't want to let you see the kids, then there isn't much you can do in the immediate future, i.e. the next eight months.

It is important to quickly file for divorce and joint custody, as with some states you can prove that your childrens' primary state of residence is the state you are in, AND if you get partial custody then she can't just up and move to another state. Regardless, it will take a lot of legal work to see your children again, but it will happen if you play your cards close to your chest and get legal help asap.

If you believe your wife is mentally unstable then alert the authorities, but otherwise you face an uphill battle. I sort of get the feeling that your wife wants to leave you for good, maybe get child support payments, and basically try to keep you out of your kids' lives. Don't worry, with legal help you will get half time, unless you have abused them or her or use drugs. You don't want to spend the next not working and just meeting with a lawyer ever two weeks. I wouldn't recommend following your wife to the new state, as she might file harassment charges against you, i.e. stalking.

Family courts are well aware of parents who try to take the kids and move to another state to hurt the other parent, it is not fair, a father has a right to see his children and the courts will let you do that in the state you are in. You do NOT need to quit residency, with the court's help they will force your wife to give you custody rights in the state you are in, and for example in my state, you have to tell the other parent when you take the child more than 75 miles outside of the city.

If you get partial custody in the state where your children have been living most of their lives within the past couple years, i.e. the state you are in now, and your wife doesn't bring them back to your state, states cooperate on child custody stuff like this and she can be arrested and the children brought back forcibly. Remember the law is on your side, but it will take you up to a year to get what you deserve as their father.

4. Being an intern might be good as it will take your mind off the issue at hand. Family courts are jammed packed, it might take six months to get a hearring. And yes, your wife will be forced to come back to your primary state of residence AND if you get joint custody it will be where you are completing your residency.

5. Keep your paying job, the economy is bad right now, and you may be required to pay child support soon, and you will have some legal bills if you decide to fight to see your children.

6. If move to where your wife is, and she won't let you see the kids, then you might as well be in another state.

I completely agree.

Cambie

 

[dotdash]

You need to understand the legal implications of her move (and whether you can stop her taking the kids). You also need to understand the legal implications of what you do next. Will staying in your current position be interpreted by the courts as not being interested in your kids? Will leaving your job be interpreted as being a deadbeat dad? I don't know any of this, but a divorce lawyer would know. And you absolutely need one before you make any decisions.

You also should probably document all attempts to reach her, all your communications with her, etc. You are probably under an incredible amount of stress, so you'll want to make decisions very slowly in an informed way.

That's for the worst downside. But in hopes of a better resolution, can't you work it out with her? You have a marriage, you have kids, you have a potential future together. Maybe it's all just too much for her at the moment, but you'll be able to work it out soon.

 

[DarthNeurology]

Will leaving your job be interpreted as being a deadbeat dad? I don't know any of this, but a divorce lawyer would know. And you absolutely need one before you make any decisions.

You also should probably document all attempts to reach her, all your communications with her, etc. You are probably under an incredible amount of stress, so you'll want to make decisions very slowly in an informed way.

I am not a lawyer, but I have seen people go through this, so I think I can answer some of these questions.

1. Will leaving your job (residency) be interpreted as being a deadbeat dad?

If you don't pay child support then you are a dead beat Dad, even if you can pay child support and don't then you are a dead beat Dad. If leaving residency means that you can't pay any child support your wife files for then you are a dead bet dad. If you have two million saved up and can quit residency and still pay child support then you are not a dead beat dad. Courts aren't going to interpret you as being a dead beat dad.

Leaving your job would limit your stability somewhat in terms of filing for child custody as it helps if a spouse who is filing for child support has employment.

2. Will staying in your current position be interpreted by the courts as not being interested in your kids?

If you file for full or joint custody then you are interested in seeing your kids. Document phone calls, emails, and text messages sent to your wife asking to see/communicate with your children, if she refuses then this could be used against her in court.

A father has a right to see his children, period. The courts will hear the whole story about how your wife left town and how you can't see your kids, they do not expect you to leave your job at all.

The courts could, most likely, require your wife to bring back your kids to see you for visits where you live as that *is* your children's primary state of residence. The law is on your side.

The family court in the state you are currently residing will deal with this case and child custody courts have *great* interstate cooperation and would eventually arrest your wife for kidnapping if she doesn't bring back the children to see you in your current city.

Here's what to do (if things don't work out):

1. Communicate to your wife that you want to see the kids, and if she doesn't reply then use this against her in court.

2. File for immediate divorce, and for child custody (your lawyer will want full custody as both sides usually file for this).

3. File for immediate visitation rights, as the father your wife will have to give you some sort of visitation. This may be hard with residency, but do it on your day off. Do this so that your wife knows that she has to travel each week to help you see your kids and so she understand that legally she can't shut you out of your kids' lives.

4. Stay employed in residency, you will probably have around $20,000 in legal bills that need to be paid over the upcoming year, i.e. retainer fees.