Working on ideas for PS

[Birdnals]

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I've got another year before I need to seriously write this thing but with full-time work and school plus my other commitments I've started brainstorming ideas. I've had some troubles in the past like failing out of undergrad after high school and partying and I'm finding it's a fine line in conveying how I've learned from these experiences and how they've shaped my path without divulging too much detail.

I've got some ideas and a few paragraphs down. I've posted them here hoping that someone might have some feedback.

My adolescent years weren’t always smooth. My father died of a heart attack when I was 15 but other than that, my problems were generally self-inflicted. I departed for college completely unready for the road ahead of me. I had always been told that I was smart but rather than focusing on my studies I focused the other elements of the college lifestyle in an effort to fit in. I didn’t have the maturity to recognize my talents and develop them. Consequently I lost all confidence in my academic abilities. A 1.57 GPA didn’t help matters.

After failing out I moved to Florida. Unfortunately I found myself plagued by the same lack of confidence that had ailed me in college. My lifestyle didn’t change; I was just performing in a different venue.

It wasn’t until a falling out with a good friend that I sat down and realized that things needed to change. I found myself reflecting on the values I had been taught by my father: standing up for the right thing, being firm in my beliefs, and not worrying about what other think. From that moment on my life changed.

Over the next several years I conquered a number of problems that had followed me throughout my life. I dropped a significant amount of weight from not just from diet and exercise but from ditching some of the habits attributed to my former lifestyle. But one thing still plagued me: my failure in school. Unfortunately, I still had no idea what I wanted to do. Not wanting to make the mistake of going to college without a purpose again, I put it off.

If anyone has made it this far, my questions are:

Is it too negative?
Do I need to elaborate more on what happened?
Do I need to elaborate more on what I learned and why I learned it?
Any other feedback.

Thanks

 

[dsoz]

It could be a good start.
Yes, talk about what you learned more. Keep going with the ending where you talked about not continuing without a purpose. Tell what your purpose is, and how you are working to that goal. How having that goal focused you and is helping you to become the man that would make your father proud!

Then again. If it is not true, don't say it. Good luck with your journey. I hope you find your passion.


dsoz

 

[Birdnals]

Thanks for the input. I think you're right in that the third paragraph in particular needs some tweaking. I've added in some more of what specifically I was doing wrong and the consequences of those actions and what I realized when I had my turn around.

There's more to it after the bit about not continuing without a purpose, I just cut it there because I really wanted to focus (for now) on the how my past misgivings shaped the path I'm on now and what I've learned/how I've grown from them.

Congrats on the acceptance to Nova by the way. Is that the Ft. Lauderdale campus? Don't know if you're already down here or not but Florida is awesome.

 

[thlaxer]

Is it too negative?
Do I need to elaborate more on what happened?
Do I need to elaborate more on what I learned and why I learned it?
Any other feedback.

Thanks

Personally I think you're focusing too much on your failures. You're spending too much space (it's something like half a page already) on things that aren't directly relevant to answering 'why medicine.' It's hard to tell though without seeing the rest of the essay, maybe it can be pulled off?

I would also avoid mentioning your lack of confidence. Currently that's a theme that keeps coming up, what's to stop an adcom from thinking it'll happen again in med school causing you to fail out? Also, several parts of what you wrote suggest that you were depressed for a few years. I would remove or reword as many of those references as possible. I've been told straight-out by an adcom that you should not suggest being depressed anywhere in your application because it raises unneeded (and unwanted) concerns about your application (again, what's to stop adcoms from worrying you'll get depressed in med school and fail out?)..

I would also avoid writing stuff like "I've always been told that I was smart." Your goal is to be humble while still selling yourself. You want the reader to reach the "Birdnals is smart" conclusion on their own without you directly telling them (i.e. show them through actions).

On the plus side, you appear thoughtful in your writing and you take ownership for your mistakes (showing maturity). The story with your father could also provide a very powerful and personalized overarching theme for your essay. There's lots of potential here but you need to leave enough space to convince readers of 'why medicine.' Good luck! 🙂

 

[Palam]

It's a bit of a drag to be honest. I would at the very least try to work in more statements that foreshadow a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not going to rewrite your first paragraph for you, but there's certainly a lot of rewording you can do to get the same point across but be less self-defeating and negative.

 

[gyngyn]

As a person who reads around 3000 PS's a year, I must tell you to try again. You need to make me want to meet you. I just feel sad when I read this. You have plenty of time. Work it.

 

[Birdnals]

Wow, must say I'm surprised by the amount of feedback. Thanks to everyone.

Obviously most of this is not what I want to hear. If it makes any difference at all, this is only a portion of what I have. The following bits go on to explain why medicine, etc. As I said earlier, however, I am just trying to work on the part that will explain my misdeeds.

I feel like my misdeeds are statistically significant. Things like my low early GPA will show up but so will two previous arrests when I was younger. From what I've read, the PS is my chance to offer an explanation for such things. Believe me, I have a lot of other things that I would rather write about but my goal is to avoid having my app thrown out because of my past.

If this comes across as defensive, I apologize. I just realized though that a little background on my situation, giving y'all information that will already be in the hands of the adcoms, would be helpful.

thlaxer:
Yeah I removed that bit about being told I was smart when I reread. I was trying to convey that despite knowing that I might have the abilities I was too immature to recognize and develop them. It sounds snobby though and unfortunately I can't think of a way to reword it so I deleted it. I was definitely never depressed so if you have time I'd love to hear (PM or on here) what else you would suggest to avoid that tone. I feel like a lack of confidence was and the need to fit defined me and my decisions when I was younger and that I need to show that I've learned from that. Thanks for the feedback though, both positive and negative.

Palam + gyngyn:
I think the lack of foreshadowing might come in part from where I chose to cut off what I pasted. Rereading that bit in a nutshell, I agree that it sounds a down. Would you say the passage I posted has the opportunity to be saved by the proceeding paragraphs (ie if it was in context of the rest of the PS) or would it be too big of a %? Like I said, I'm not sure how to convey statistically significant events that I know adcoms are going to know about beforehand and want answers for. How much space should I allow, if this is too much, to my "atonement & change."

Thanks to all of you for the feedback. If anyone has the time I'd love to carry this over to PMs and work on this further. Thanks again y'all.

 

[thlaxer]

I was definitely never depressed so if you have time I'd love to hear (PM or on here) what else you would suggest to avoid that tone. I feel like a lack of confidence was and the need to fit defined me and my decisions when I was younger and that I need to show that I've learned from that. Thanks for the feedback though, both positive and negative.

The overall sad tone throughout these first few paragraphs made me think 'depression.' Things that contributed to this was your father's death, your being "plagued" by your consistent "lack of confidence" and your trying to "fit in" etc. I would obviously leave your father in since that's relevant, but I wouldn't really place much (if any) emphasis on your previous lack of confidence and attempts to fit in. They don't seem either relevant or supportive.

As for your previous arrests, if I remember correctly, AMCAS asks if you have any previous disciplinary actions, arrests and/or dishonorable discharges from military. After you check 'yes' to one of these, you'll be given the opportunity to write more about it there. Your personal statement should be more focused on answering 'why medicine' and convincing the reader of that. Focusing too much on your mistakes doesn't address the main purpose of the essay and bogs it down.

And don't worry, you've got plenty of time to work through this and this is just an early draft. I went through something like eight drafts before reaching something I was happy with. Good luck 🙂

 

[Birdnals]

Thanks thlaxer. If you read it and read depression then no doubt someone else will too even if that's not what I was trying to convey. I definitely don't want that!

So what I'm getting is that perhaps I should go in a little bit of a different direction. Instead of focusing on and explaining my past, make focus more on what I learned and why that makes me uniquely qualified. Something as brief as "while my past may have a few hiccups, the lessons and skills I've picked up from those hiccups have shaped who I am today. For example, I learned x, y, and z." And then explain why i think x, y, and z will make me a better doctor.

This would also give me a lot more room to talk about my other accomplishments and the why medicine part.

Thanks again for the help.

 

[ChE04]

Thanks thlaxer. If you read it and read depression then no doubt someone else will too even if that's not what I was trying to convey. I definitely don't want that!

So what I'm getting is that perhaps I should go in a little bit of a different direction. Instead of focusing on and explaining my past, make focus more on what I learned and why that makes me uniquely qualified. Something as brief as "while my past may have a few hiccups, the lessons and skills I've picked up from those hiccups have shaped who I am today. For example, I learned x, y, and z." And then explain why i think x, y, and z will make me a better doctor.

This would also give me a lot more room to talk about my other accomplishments and the why medicine part.

Thanks again for the help.

Now I think you are starting to see the right direction. The PS is essentially your main opportunity to sell yourself to adcoms and relate how you are a perfect fit for medicine. You want to keep it overwhelmingly positive.

I'm guessing that since you are applying to medical school, you have turned your academic performance around. If you feel the need to explain past poor performance, then instead of focusing on why you failed in the past, focus on how and why you are excelling currently, and why you will continue to excel in the future. I realize that you only showed us a small portion of your statement, but other things to include are what personal experiences you have had that are driving you toward medicine. Remember, that the overarching theme of your essay should be "why medicine," not "how I have turned my life around."

Also, don't feel bad... I completely rewrote my personal statement 4 or 5 times based on feedback I received.

 

[LingoLaine]

It's a bit of a drag to be honest.

That was my first thought too. Besides the depressing subject matter, it's also a bit of a boring way to present it and you might lose interest before you even get to the fabulous new you at the end. Let me try to explain...

You write everything chronologically: A happened, then B happened, then C, then, D, so then eventually I learned E.

A better format would be: I've learned E (because of A,B,C, and D, much more briefly). That way you get to the main point E before you lose people dragged down by A,B,C,D. Make sense?

 

[Birdnals]

That was my first thought too. Besides the depressing subject matter, it's also a bit of a boring way to present it and you might lose interest before you even get to the fabulous new you at the end. Let me try to explain...

You write everything chronologically: A happened, then B happened, then C, then, D, so then eventually I learned E.

A better format would be: I've learned E (because of A,B,C, and D, much more briefly). That way you get to the main point E before you lose people dragged down by A,B,C,D. Make sense?

Totally. But I was thinking about even eliminating A, B, C, and D. I would mention that that things were rough for a while in a sentence or two but that the rough stretch led to E and go into more detail about E.

Or are you suggesting that it would be better to explain more about A, B, C, and D (not in a lot of detail) so that I can draw specific points from them that led to E and make the connection more concrete than simply saying I had rough time?

Thanks for the advice, I feel like I'm gaining some serious ground here and getting some great bits of information from those of you who have gone through this.