Worried about coming out to my co-residents; anyone have any experience with this?

[Latteandaprayer]

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Sorry if it’s the wrong forum.

I’m married to a guy and I just started residency orientation Monday. My co-interns seem nice, but 2/3 of them are pretty religious (we share the same faith background). Our religion’s stance on homosexuality is very negative and seen as a huge sin. One of them is an IMG from a country where it’s technically a crime to be gay. We are in the US so obviously I’m not in direct threat of harm. The city we’re in runs a bit more conservative too, and saw counter-protests during City Pride, so I already feel a bit isolated. We’re only 4 in this class (neurology).

I know I’m making assumptions about them. None of them have been like “ew gay people” to my face or anything lol. I know it would suck if someone assumed something negative about me, and it’s unfair of me to assume. I’m still a bit scared to come out. The reason I want to come out is because it sucks because I can’t really talk about my personal life, and the program is doing a few family-friendly events and I want to bring him because there’s free food and it’s a new city for us so it’s nice to see parks/restaurants/etc. They also have talked about their spouses (the married ones), and asked me point blank if I was married and I said yes but didn’t elaborate.

The worst that could happen is I’d essentially be on an island during intern year and the rest of residency. Because each class is so small, prior classes have said they rely on their classmates to make life better and easier. I’m scared I’ll be excluded.

I’m not making this as a pity post or to be inflammatory. If any gay interns had a similar experience, what was it like?

 

[Apollyon]

You said a lot, without saying a lot. Trust me, if you said what specialty (not the subspecialty), no one could figure out who you are. That would give people in the same specialty some place to start. I mean, psych is one thing, and surg onc quite another.

I'm not gay, but did get gay-bashed by my program director 20 years ago (me saying I'm not gay, and her perseverating on "It's ok if you are", with quite a feeling that it would not be). It's very fortunate that things are differentially better.

But, wait - how could you be an intern, but in a subspecialty (as in, fellowship)? One of those things doesn't go with the other.

 

[Latteandaprayer]

You said a lot, without saying a lot. Trust me, if you said what specialty (not the subspecialty), no one could figure out who you are. That would give people in the same specialty some place to start. I mean, psych is one thing, and surg onc quite another.

I'm not gay, but did get gay-bashed by my program director 20 years ago (me saying I'm not gay, and her perseverating on "It's ok if you are", with quite a feeling that it would not be). It's very fortunate that things are differentially better.

But, wait - how could you be an intern, but in a subspecialty (as in, fellowship)? One of those things doesn't go with the other.

Neurology. I guess I should’ve said “specialty”

 

[Angler]

The other three (and your whole hospital) will find out sooner or later. More likely the former. Just be matter of fact. Young doctors tend to be very open, even with strong religious backgrounds.

 

[Crayola227]

The other three (and your whole hospital) will find out sooner or later. More likely the former. Just be matter of fact. Young doctors tend to be very open, even with strong religious backgrounds.

Agree. Chances of keeping secret is nil.

Lead with confidence, that's generally the best strategy. Many a heart has been softened when they get to know someone first before finding out something that would otherwise challenge that for them. Lots of "hidden" otherwise discriminated minorities report this.

Maybe give them a chance to rub shoulders with you for a while and see you as a valuable team member first. 6 months. Because that's when an intern starts turning the corner into being useful.

When someone makes your day in medicine better, you want to like them despite your ingrained biases, facts.

 

[HemeOncHopeful19]

It’s 2025.

This is not a big deal.

 

[Crayola227]

It’s 2025.

This is not a big deal.

Um, look around. For a lot of people ESPECIALLY the Uber religious, it absolutely is. Obviously the resident isn't going to be outright fired or something extreme, but they already feel isolated, residency inherently makes residents feel even more isolated, so yeah, there are probably risks. Enough not.to tell them, no big deal.

 

[HemeOncHopeful19]

Um, look around. For a lot of people ESPECIALLY the Uber religious, it absolutely is. Obviously the resident isn't going to be outright fired or something extreme, but they already feel isolated, residency inherently makes residents feel even more isolated, so yeah, there are probably risks. Enough not.to tell them, no big deal.

Nah this just isn’t that big of a deal in 2025, sorry.

OP if your coresidents don’t like you because you’re gay then they’re the outlier at this point not you. You can’t expect everyone to like you whether you’re gay straight or whatever, I’d just bring your husband to whatever get together and introduce him.

If you don’t gel with your coresidents that would be unfortunate but the reason really doesn’t even matter IMO. Personally the only people I get annoyed with and try to avoid in real life are people who talk politics at work, don’t care what their take on it is.

 

[Crayola227]

Nah this just isn’t that big of a deal in 2025, sorry.

OP if your coresidents don’t like you because you’re gay then they’re the outlier at this point not you. You can’t expect everyone to like you whether you’re gay straight or whatever, I’d just bring your husband to whatever get together and introduce him.

If you don’t gel with your coresidents that would be unfortunate but the reason really doesn’t even matter IMO. Personally the only people I get annoyed with and try to avoid in real life are people who talk politics at work, don’t care what their take on it is.

Can I ask how much experience you have with religion or religious folks? We have someone here on SDN who is the nicest person and this week came out just as bi to their own Christian parent and was told they were going to Hell.

Have you spent time with religious fundamentalists? Ever been one yourself? I have. I also have a relative who is themselves gay, still lives with their ex gay lover (they both converted and are no longer romantically involved) and ever since they became evangelists, they do not like gay people, and pray they will one day be het. They literally stopped being friends with all their old friends because of their "sinful lifestyle." So don't expect wokeness from religious folks no matter their job, even if you thought they might otherwise be understanding.

Doctors are not immune to bigoted thinking, the current state of politics shows that clearly. A hospital is bigger than doctors anyway, and many of the other employees in a red state may not be that woke.

I've experienced a small fraction of the negative attention at work, as a far more supposedly accepted minority, in one of the most liberal places in America. And mine is arguably the reason our profession literally exists, and the Bible straight up says to help, and believe me not walking into those spaces with my minority status was not easy in the slightest.

Are you gay? Have you been in anti-gay spaces after coming out?

I think you're overextrapolating your own sense of not caring.

Your view is not only ignorant it erases the real struggle many minorities and certainly LGBTQ folks go through on the daily. I'm just wondering on what basis you have judged the struggle for these groups not to be one "at all" because it's 2025.

 

[Crayola227]

I live in one of the most progressive places in America, and just last week my friend was asked to leave a former friend's house because he asked him to stop staying the f word that rhymes with maggot because he is queer. I'll be sure to remind him it's 2025 and no one cares NBD.

 

[RangerBob]

So to sum up the above people are people and will be jerks, religious or not.

OP doesn't care whether the majority of Americans are accepting of the LGBTQ community in 2025 or if most fundamentalists are bigoted. They are about whether they and their husband are accepted by their co-residents/program.

Ultimately OP I think you need to gauge how welcoming your co-residents truly are. And only you can assess that. If they're religious/conservative/from a non-Western religiously conservative country, those are all points against them being open-minded in your situation, but nothing is certian. Despite liberals usually being more open-minded, I know plenty of conservatives who are more accepting of others than liberals, so labels alone aren't enough to do more than just give us a broad generalizations.

When you're in a program of 4 residents, generalizations aren't really good enough. I think you're best/safest best is to continue to feel things out to see how open-minded your co-residents are. As they get to know you better, they're also more likely to be open-minded and less judgemental, at least of you personally.

That's the safer bet. But you could just tear off the band-aid. Whether your residents accept your lifestyle or not, they'll have to accept you as their collegue as they'll be depending on you.

I didn't feel the need to be close to my residents. I got along well enough with them, but I didn't really click with anyone in my year. I did click with a number co-residents above and below me. But my focus was really on my wife. We went to the few get-togethers sponsored by the program but that was about it. That worked for me, but you'll have to decide what works for you.

 

[HemeOncHopeful19]

Can I ask how much experience you have with religion or religious folks? We have someone here on SDN who is the nicest person and this week came out just as bi to their own Christian parent and was told they were going to Hell.

Have you spent time with religious fundamentalists? Ever been one yourself? I have. I also have a relative who is themselves gay, still lives with their ex gay lover (they both converted and are no longer romantically involved) and ever since they became evangelists, they do not like gay people, and pray they will one day be het. They literally stopped being friends with all their old friends because of their "sinful lifestyle." So don't expect wokeness from religious folks no matter their job, even if you thought they might otherwise be understanding.

Doctors are not immune to bigoted thinking, the current state of politics shows that clearly. A hospital is bigger than doctors anyway, and many of the other employees in a red state may not be that woke.

I've experienced a small fraction of the negative attention at work, as a far more supposedly accepted minority, in one of the most liberal places in America. And mine is arguably the reason our profession literally exists, and the Bible straight up says to help, and believe me not walking into those spaces with my minority status was not easy in the slightest.

Are you gay? Have you been in anti-gay spaces after coming out?

I think you're overextrapolating your own sense of not caring.

Your view is not only ignorant it erases the real struggle many minorities and certainly LGBTQ folks go through on the daily. I'm just wondering on what basis you have judged the struggle for these groups not to be one "at all" because it's 2025.

I’m from the rural southeast. I have gay friends. I have gay family. I have religious friends. I have liberal friends. I have conservative friends. I have minority friends.

I don’t think 90% of the stuff you are rambling about has any relevance to OP. In fact I would argue you are being bigoted yourself by assuming some religious person or a person from a foreign country would hate OP for his sexuality.

Do you suggest he somehow plan to hide the fact he is homosexual and that this would somehow be beneficial to him? His coresidents will either be crappy people or normal people, he has no control over this and it makes zero sense to not bring his spouse to a free dinner for XYZ amount of time over it!

 

[dozitgetchahi]

So to sum up the above people are people and will be jerks, religious or not.

OP doesn't care whether the majority of Americans are accepting of the LGBTQ community in 2025 or if most fundamentalists are bigoted. They are about whether they and their husband are accepted by their co-residents/program.

Ultimately OP I think you need to gauge how welcoming your co-residents truly are. And only you can assess that. If they're religious/conservative/from a non-Western religiously conservative country, those are all points against them being open-minded in your situation, but nothing is certian. Despite liberals usually being more open-minded, I know plenty of conservatives who are more accepting of others than liberals, so labels alone aren't enough to do more than just give us a broad generalizations.

When you're in a program of 4 residents, generalizations aren't really good enough. I think you're best/safest best is to continue to feel things out to see how open-minded your co-residents are. As they get to know you better, they're also more likely to be open-minded and less judgemental, at least of you personally.

That's the safer bet. But you could just tear off the band-aid. Whether your residents accept your lifestyle or not, they'll have to accept you as their collegue as they'll be depending on you.

I didn't feel the need to be close to my residents. I got along well enough with them, but I didn't really click with anyone in my year. I did click with a number co-residents above and below me. But my focus was really on my wife. We went to the few get-togethers sponsored by the program but that was about it. That worked for me, but you'll have to decide what works for you.

Yeah, exactly.

Tbh if I were LGBT in this situation, I think I would try to keep it as quiet as possible. You really don’t have to divulge your home life and relationships to everyone else, even in residency. When I was a fellow, all of the fellows in my program became way too “close” and familiar with each other…it led to all sorts of weird drama and beefs and unnecessary nonsense. After finishing fellowship, I kept my family life as private as I possibly could as an attending. At my first job, nobody ever met my spouse or even knew what her name was. And that was just fine.

(PS: I am not LGBTQ, but my wife is. Thus I’m familiar with how people react to that. Saying “this isn’t a big deal in 2025” is flat wrong. There are still a LOT of places in America where people will react negatively to this, and residency is a time where you are very vulnerable.)