Would I be screwed if I entered residency single?

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CuriousMDStudent

CuriousMDStudent

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Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
 
I'll be entering at 32 and single. It ain't a big deal.

The worst thing I've ever seen someone do is to desire strongly to not be single - they invariably end up in less-than-ideal relationships by forcing it. Life ain't over in your late 20s, it ain't over in your 30s either.
 
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CuriousMDStudent said:
Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
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You'll be able to get a partner after residency. Personally I would wait until you are sure someone wants to be with you for you before you tell them you are a doctor.
 
GoSpursGo said:
Found my wife during residency orientation.

So no, you’re not screwed 🙂
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The surgical field I'm interested in is very male dominated so I might be screwed in terms of finding someone in my residency program but thanks haha
 
CuriousMDStudent said:
The surgical field I'm interested in is very male dominated so I might be screwed in terms of finding someone in my residency program but thanks haha
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Yeah you wouldn’t look within your program. Especially within a small program, that’s just a recipe for disaster if things don’t work out.

Do what all the normal people do these days and get an online dating profile 🙂
 
CuriousMDStudent said:
Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
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Theres a good chance, especially for surgical residency that if you go into residency in a relationship, it will suffer because of all the time you will spend away from your SO. So its not a bad thing being single until after you are done everything.
 
ChymeofPassion said:
32 (end of a surgical residency) to finally be ready for a serious relationship???
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Not too far off. Closer to 30 I would say. Early 20s are awful for most people for settling down. Late 20s to early 30s is a better bet. Especially since the OP will be close to done with training and can dedicate himself more fully to a relationship.

I'm not saying he shouldn't consider dating now to gain skills. But he shouldn't be in a hurry, and he should be picky. It's OK to prioritize training until he's closer to done.
 
Proudfather94 said:
You'll be able to get a partner after residency. Personally I would wait until you are sure someone wants to be with you for you before you tell them you are a doctor.
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Full disclaimer: very happy in a 3 years relationship now as an MS2.
How on earth would you determine if someone really wants to be with you for you AND hide your job from the get-go for well over x amount of time?
 
I went into med school dating someone and it ended quick. Didn't really date during med school at all since. Then, during my first month of ortho surgical intern year, I met my fiancé, proposed during my busiest year of residency for my program (pgy2). Planning to get married during PGY3 or 4 year. It is definitely doable.
 
Not sure how starting residency single has any correlation to being forever alone.
First, if you started residency in a relationship, you could still break up with your SO at any time.
Second, if you start residency single, you could meet someone the next day. Or next year. Or when you start as an attending.
Third, if you find someone and get married, there is no guarantee you won't get divorced down the line.
Fourth, if you are not interested in a relationship, don't waste the other person's time. Both parties need to be equally invested for it to work. So if you're not ready right now, you can always do it later.
 
Crayola227 said:
Not too far off. Closer to 30 I would say. Early 20s are awful for most people for settling down. Late 20s to early 30s is a better bet. Especially since the OP will be close to done with training and can dedicate himself more fully to a relationship.

I'm not saying he shouldn't consider dating now to gain skills. But he shouldn't be in a hurry, and he should be picky. It's OK to prioritize training until he's closer to done.
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Thank you. This is my plan moving forward. I might have a date here and there just to see what happens but right now, my career is my priority. I was wondering if I was making a big mistake thinking this way.
 
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CuriousMDStudent said:
Thank you. This is my plan moving forward. I might have a date here and there just to see what happens but right now, my career is my priority. I was wondering if I was making a big mistake thinking this way.
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Don't let someone be a bad distraction or derail you. And you don't have to dedicate time to Tinder. But try not to be too closed off to the right people right in front of you, is all.

You'll know it's the right person when it feels nearly effortless (well, relationships take skills and work like anything but that's a longer rant) and it feels good and it enriches you and you are the best version of yourself. Effortless meaning like putting a round peg in a round hole, not a square one.

You don't have to make it happen if you find work life balance, pursue hobbies, and surround yourself with the right people. This is hard in training. But when you do it and you're ready it will happen.
 
bGMx said:
Full disclaimer: very happy in a 3 years relationship now as an MS2.
How on earth would you determine if someone really wants to be with you for you AND hide your job from the get-go for well over x amount of time?
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Just tell them you work in the medical field until you are confident they like you then tell them you're a doctor. This goes for both men and women, there are quite a few people out there that will tolerate dating you to be able to live a better lifestyle or worse try to get you on the hook for some of your income. A lot of the docs at my job get people interested in them and you always hear something akin to "Get that money!"
 
Proudfather94 said:
Just tell them you work in the medical field until you are confident they like you then tell them you're a doctor. This goes for both men and women, there are quite a few people out there that will tolerate dating you to be able to live a better lifestyle or worse try to get you on the hook for some of your income. A lot of the docs at my job get people interested in them and you always hear something akin to "Get that money!"
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Sorry, this is terrible advice. Get your basic cards out on the table early on and find out what the person you’re dating is like with that information. Plus as alluded to above, I don’t think you can go multiple months without disclosing more details than “I work in the medical field.”
 
GoSpursGo said:
Sorry, this is terrible advice. Get your basic cards out on the table early on and find out what the person you’re dating is like with that information. Plus as alluded to above, I don’t think you can go multiple months without disclosing more details than “I work in the medical field.”
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I don't mean to hide it for months, I'm saying the first date or two that way you know the person enough know who they are. What I'm saying is basically don't go into the first date going "hi blank and I make enough money to be in the upper middle or upper class!". Honestly I'm my opinion if someone is asking about Financials on the first date that is a huge red flag.
 
Proudfather94 said:
I don't mean to hide it for months, I'm saying the first date or two that way you know the person enough know who they are. What I'm saying is basically don't go into the first date going "hi blank and I make enough money to be in the upper middle or upper class!". Honestly I'm my opinion if someone is asking about Financials on the first date that is a huge red flag.
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Being evasive on the first date about basic questions seems unwise to me.
 
VA Hopeful Dr said:
Being evasive on the first date about basic questions seems unwise to me.
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There is so many better questions you can ask someone on the first date. "Where are you from? How many siblings do you have? What do you do for fun? Do you play any sports?".
I'm just saying at least for me if the first thing someone starts asking me about is my financial potential I would be very wary of them and their intentions.
 
Proudfather94 said:
There is so many better questions you can ask someone on the first date. "Where are you from? How many siblings do you have? What do you do for fun? Do you play any sports?".
I'm just saying at least for me if the first thing someone starts asking me about is my financial potential I would be very wary of them and their intentions.
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Maybe I'm being naive here, but asking what someone does for a living isn't usually done to examine their financial potential. It's a fairly basic question especially since most people spend 50% of their waking hours at work.
 
CuriousMDStudent said:
Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
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You won't be screwed. I met my amazing wife during residency.

Just keep an eye out. You never know when you might meet the right person.

It is tough to meet people in medical school. It is probably tougher to meet people in residency, because you are busy. However, I will say that women took me a lot more seriously when I became a doctor. As has been alluded to above, people want to pair up with someone who has good earning potential, there's status there, etc.

You can never really be sure of someone's motivations, but that's why get to know the person. You're not going to be able to avoid telling the person that you're a doctor. In fact. You might meet someone in the hospital who already knows you're a doctor, and that's okay too. My observation of friends and colleagues has been that if the person sticks around for multiple years of residency, that's usually a good sign. Most people who have ulterior motives aren't sitting around waiting through several years of residency and fellowship.
 
VA Hopeful Dr said:
Maybe I'm being naive here, but asking what someone does for a living isn't usually done to examine their financial potential. It's a fairly basic question especially since most people spend 50% of their waking hours at work.
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It can be used to estimate what financial class you belong in I guess if they ask it you'll have to answer but I would be cautious. I guess the best solution for this would just be to date someone else that's a doctor or makes a similar amount of income.
 
Proudfather94 said:
It can be used to estimate what financial class you belong in I guess if they ask it you'll have to answer but I would be cautious. I guess the best solution for this would just be to date someone else that's a doctor or makes a similar amount of income.
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I kind of fall into an in-between category there. My wife was a third-year medical student and I was a fourth year when we met. However, she had just broken up with her previous boyfriend who came from a family with an absurd amount of money but was the stereotypical rich lay about.

Since she was also going to be a doctor the money was not an issue, but she wanted to make sure she had someone with drive and solid life goals. Medical students and doctors have many flaws, but lack of drive is not usually one of them.
 
Proudfather94 said:
It can be used to estimate what financial class you belong in I guess if they ask it you'll have to answer but I would be cautious. I guess the best solution for this would just be to date someone else that's a doctor or makes a similar amount of income.
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Everyone will ask on a date because it's a basic icebreaker, and IMO you have to answer it extremely clearly and with no caution because if you don't, you're going to be throwing out a red flag on day one. Nobody likes a liar or someone that's evasive. People want to date people who are going to be honest with them. It's an occupational hazard of being something like a physician that you're going to have to disclose you make bank (or will make bank) on your first date. I agree that dating someone on a similar financial playing field makes it more likely you'll find someone who cares about you, and not about money.

Also - it's an important question to ask/answer because what a person does for a living can say a whole lot about their character, depending on the job.

Had a date with one guy whose answer to this was that he worked for the state, and what he did was called people up and told them when their property was about to be repossessed for nonpayment of... taxes, I guess? This was a long time ago. It immediately struck me as a job that only cold-hearted jerks would be good at or be able to tolerate for more than a month or two, since he literally spent his entire workday telling people they were going to lose their cars, their homes, etc., and he said he had done this for years. It didn't particularly surprise me when he turned out to be a jerk. Shoulda walked as soon as he told me what his job was.
 
VA Hopeful Dr said:
I kind of fall into an in-between category there. My wife was a third-year medical student and I was a fourth year when we met. However, she had just broken up with her previous boyfriend who came from a family with an absurd amount of money but was the stereotypical rich lay about.

Since she was also going to be a doctor the money was not an issue, but she wanted to make sure she had someone with drive and solid life goals. Medical students and doctors have many flaws, but lack of drive is not usually one of them.
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My wife and I started dating in high school and we've been together since. If she was just after someone with money I would have been left in the dust years ago lol.
 
calivianya said:
Everyone will ask on a date because it's a basic icebreaker, and IMO you have to answer it extremely clearly and with no caution because if you don't, you're going to be throwing out a red flag on day one. Nobody likes a liar or someone that's evasive. People want to date people who are going to be honest with them. It's an occupational hazard of being something like a physician that you're going to have to disclose you make bank (or will make bank) on your first date. I agree that dating someone on a similar financial playing field makes it more likely you'll find someone who cares about you, and not about money.

Also - it's an important question to ask/answer because what a person does for a living can say a whole lot about their character, depending on the job.

Had a date with one guy whose answer to this was that he worked for the state, and what he did was called people up and told them when their property was about to be repossessed for nonpayment of... taxes, I guess? This was a long time ago. It immediately struck me as a job that only cold-hearted jerks would be good at or be able to tolerate for more than a month or two, since he literally spent his entire workday telling people they were going to lose their cars, their homes, etc., and he said he had done this for years. It didn't particularly surprise me when he turned out to be a jerk. Shoulda walked as soon as he told me what his job was.
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I can definitely see your point of view. I guess the best advice then is to find someone at the same financial level as op then. Unless he's looking for someone that wants to be a stay at home mom.
 
Proudfather94 said:
There is so many better questions you can ask someone on the first date. "Where are you from? How many siblings do you have? What do you do for fun? Do you play any sports?".
I'm just saying at least for me if the first thing someone starts asking me about is my financial potential I would be very wary of them and their intentions.
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"So what do you do for work??"

"I work in the medical field"

"Oh what do you do there?

"....."
 
Proudfather94 said:
I don't mean to hide it for months, I'm saying the first date or two that way you know the person enough know who they are. What I'm saying is basically don't go into the first date going "hi blank and I make enough money to be in the upper middle or upper class!". Honestly I'm my opinion if someone is asking about Financials on the first date that is a huge red flag.
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I suppose this is slightly better, but as others have said I don’t think it’s realistic to imagine the question won’t come up on the first date or two. It just isn’t a taboo question, because as others have pointed out if gives you insight into how driven and goal-oriented they are. And honestly it isn’t unreasonable to get a sense of financial potential on an early date, because while nobody likes talking money it is a really important part of any potential relationship.
 
Off-topic question but what's with the book you wrote? Any author's notes on it, the process of it, and why you wrote it. Also what does it cover - the game of how to get honors?
 
I am kind of in the same boat with similar concerns. I don't believe that waiting until residency is necessarily a bad thing to find someone to settle down with, although it may be a little risky. A lot of people in residency are already married/in relationships and your ability to meet people outside of work is going to be limited. But it is certainly possible to find someone at that time.

I think the bigger potential issue is if you have little or no dating experience when you get to residency. I went through most of pre med/medical school like this (trying to focus on career) and delayed getting into dating at all until I was nearing the end of my second year. I don't know what I was doing thinking this was a good idea in hindsight, but I paid the price for this with not really knowing how to be in a relationship and needing to learn all of it from scratch. If I could go back, I would definitely have put more attention to this aspect of my life when I was in my late teens/early 20s. My classmates who have had a SO/LTR were all far happier than me or anyone else I knew who was single. Having this support may be beneficial to you during the last 2 years of med school which are just as stressful if not more than the first two. I personally woundn't wait.
 
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Proudfather94 said:
Just tell them you work in the medical field until you are confident they like you then tell them you're a doctor. This goes for both men and women, there are quite a few people out there that will tolerate dating you to be able to live a better lifestyle or worse try to get you on the hook for some of your income. A lot of the docs at my job get people interested in them and you always hear something akin to "Get that money!"
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Or you could, you know, just be reasonable mature adults and honest with each other instead of playing games.

If someone's after you for your "money" (lol what money) as a resident physician, you're going to find that out long before you're making an attending salary. And if you can't figure that out after dating for awhile? Then that's on you.

Not being cagey, secretive, and weird is always the best option when dating.
 
Proudfather94 said:
You'll be able to get a partner after residency. Personally I would wait until you are sure someone wants to be with you for you before you tell them you are a doctor.
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See I do the exact opposite. I tell people I'm in med school because saying MD/PhD and then explaining it is just way too cumbersome for a first date/meeting. Then on date 4-5 they find out I'm MD/PhD. By date 6-7 they've looked up the career trajectory for MD/PhDs, realize I'm the moocher, not them, and typically leave.

However, it's a beautiful filter mechanism. "I'm going to be broke until I'm 40," is a good deterrent for gold diggers. It's also fantastic for finding people who are into long-term investing, which is also a hobby of mine.
 
ChordaEpiphany said:
See I do the exact opposite. I tell people I'm in med school because saying MD/PhD and then explaining it is just way too cumbersome for a first date/meeting. Then on date 4-5 they find out I'm MD/PhD. By date 6-7 they've looked up the career trajectory for MD/PhDs, realize I'm the moocher, not them, and typically leave.

However, it's a beautiful filter mechanism. "I'm going to be broke until I'm 40," is a good deterrent for gold diggers. It's also fantastic for finding people who are into long-term investing, which is also a hobby of mine.
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Lol you're better off with someone that doesn't look at you as their way to the good life. I give my wife major kudos along the way for not leaving lol. I'm starting medical school around 30 and had a few rough patches along the way and it would have been easy for her to just leave and date someone who was already a doctor (someone in her family tried to tell her to do just that).

To bring this train back on the tracks op one thing you should consider as well. A lot of med schools that I applied to this cycle and last cycle enrolled more women than men some had their class sizes 2/3 F 1/3 M. You may meet a medical student that you like during residency or just around.
 
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Maximus2020 said:
I'd date you over regular MDs/DOs; you come with no debt attached.
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It's a nice sentiment, but you can live with debt and pretend it doesn't exist, provided you keep working of course. It's basically just $50K off the top of your salary, which for pure MDs is already $50K more than a typical MD/PhD brings in. So year by year, the pure MD just lives better at every stage.

The other much bigger problem with MD/PhD is that you can't spend or save during the prime years for doing so. People justify it with "oh it's just a few years, and no debt!" but that's a financially illiterate statement. It's also a lifestyle illiterate statement.

When you look at the opportunity cost, it's just absolutely wild. Conservatively, it's millions of dollars. But the true cost is in the years. I've yet to meet someone who's super excited about the prospect of me being in residency/fellowship during prime child-rearing years all so I can chase some ill-formed dream of being an NIH-funded, independent physician-scientist. Physicians can push having children out to early-mid 30s. MD/PhDs just run out of time. It's honestly a selfish endeavor.
 
Whatever preconceived notions you may have about being married are completely wrong. Marriage is kinda like being an attending. You think you’ll know what it’s like but then you get there and you’re like: wtf?

My advice for residency: relax, have fun when you can, learn a lot and meet new people with the goal of meeting new people, not finding a relationship. Then one day it will just fall into place.
 
GoSpursGo said:
I suppose this is slightly better, but as others have said I don’t think it’s realistic to imagine the question won’t come up on the first date or two. It just isn’t a taboo question, because as others have pointed out if gives you insight into how driven and goal-oriented they are. And honestly it isn’t unreasonable to get a sense of financial potential on an early date, because while nobody likes talking money it is a really important part of any potential relationship.
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I see and hear this a lot. Get real, SDN. No one one gold digging is going to date a medical student for it. You’re unemployed, building debt. Not even other medical students want to date you. Not in today’s instafix culture. Why would they waste time on a med student who doesn’t even know where they’ll be living in a couple years when they can get a resident who has a job, works all the time, and is actually a doctor? If you can find someone to stick with you during the med school process, that’s a keeper.
 
LimpSpatula said:
I see and hear this a lot. Get real, SDN. No one one gold digging is going to date a medical student for it. You’re unemployed, building debt. Not even other medical students want to date you. Not in today’s instafix culture. Why would they waste time on a med student who doesn’t even know where they’ll be living in a couple years when they can get a resident who has a job, works all the time, and is actually a doctor? If you can find someone to stick with you during the med school process, that’s a keeper.
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? I believe in the scenario laid out, the OP would be a resident during said date, and in a lucrative surgical field no less. So I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.
 
LimpSpatula said:
I see and hear this a lot. Get real, SDN. No one one gold digging is going to date a medical student for it. You’re unemployed, building debt. Not even other medical students want to date you. Not in today’s instafix culture. Why would they waste time on a med student who doesn’t even know where they’ll be living in a couple years when they can get a resident who has a job, works all the time, and is actually a doctor? If you can find someone to stick with you during the med school process, that’s a keeper.
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I know plenty of people under 25 who are in no rush to start living the high life or settle down, but only want to date people they see as eligible in case it works out. These people aren't necessarily saints either. Often it's less a money thing and more a class thing.
 
your life doesnt end in residency or as an attending, you still get to engage in hobbies/have a social life. Perhaps SDN needs a "personals" section, lol. Though that may attract some interesting people.
 
DrAmazingishere said:
your life doesnt end in residency or as an attending, you still get to engage in hobbies/have a social life. Perhaps SDN needs a "personals" section, lol. Though that may attract some interesting people.
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I already started a thread for that in the Lounge, lol. Don't think it's resulted in any IRL pairings, but it was... interesting.
 
Crayola227 said:
I already started a thread for that in the Lounge, lol. Don't think it's resulted in any IRL pairings, but it was... interesting.
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lol! I wish I could observe some of the dates, had they resulted in people meeting up. I wish I had invented tinder, such a simple concept that made so much money. perhaps I will learn coding and make a Dinder (doctor tinder).
 
DrAmazingishere said:
lol! I wish I could observe some of the dates, had they resulted in people meeting up. I wish I had invented tinder, such a simple concept that made so much money. perhaps I will learn coding and make a Dinder (doctor tinder).
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CuriousMDStudent said:
Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
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You're not too young for a relationship, but it'd have to be with someone that understands the limitations that you may have. There's never "the perfect time" to begin a relationship or have kids. Example: had both kids in residency at a time when we weren't having work hour restrictions. That was an ortho residency at Parkland and both of my daughters were born then. Supportive wife that understood what each our responsibilities would be
 
CuriousMDStudent said:
Title sums it up. I just want to know if I were to focus on my career throughout medical school, would I end up alone forever if I entered residency as a single person? I recognize I am going to be busier during residency especially since I may go into something surgical. I want to hear other people's stories and wisdom on this.

I [23M] am second year medical student and at the moment I think I'm probably going to enter residency single. This is mostly because of a choice. I recognize that the next 2 years of my life are going to be huge for determining what specialty I enter and what residency program I will be in which could have major impacts on my future career.

I just think a relationship would be a distraction or not a good thing for me right now. There are classmates who have made very clear moves but I don't feel that chemistry with them and I don't want to couples match as I plan to do something competitive. I've done dating apps but dates just take time and I am very focused on my career vs a relationship right now.
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We had 2 of our residents meet in residency, fall in love and later get married. They have kids now and are as happy as can be. Just let life happen. Doctors tend to be a bit too worried about controlling and planning out every aspect of their lives. Love and happiness can’t be forced. Just see what happens. Take time out of residency to do social, fun things. It’s important for your mental health and might just lead to finding a match
 
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