Yes, It's Another Personal Statment Opener.

[Shorin]

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First off, thank you! You clicked on the link there which means you might be interested in giving me some input. Yay! I like you already!

So, I will admit: I'm a foofy writer. I write a good bit of prose in my free time, and I have a very bad tendency to be verbose, and unfortunately I'm a nerd and a walking thesaurus. I use waaaay too many big puffy words. So I'm going to post my opening statement here (this is my 500th new attempt, but my first draft); please bear in mind I haven't sat down to give this'un a good scrutinizing just yet. If anyone doesn't want to murder me and does want to read on, drop me a PM and I'll send you the whole thing! And yes, I do intend to keep the first line format like that unless it's too stupid. It only eats up two characters. And yes it is long; it will be much more succinct once I wrestle around with it a bit!

Oh, no need to be gentle, by the way. I'm a big girl, and I know this needs some polishing (if it works at all). I hope it's at least a good start! 😀

Why didn't anyone tell me?

A pressing query, one I would revisit many times. It first struck me as my companion lay frozen on the stark white kitchen tile, his algor mortis drawing the heat from my trembling hand. Jammers was a good dog, and seemed so healthy, so what happened? We don't know. But had we been better prepared to address our dog's bizarre and sudden symptoms, and known of the existence of such things as a "Pet ER", he may have made a full recovery. He may not have, of course, but even a chance is invaluable. Considering that ponderous question, I made a decision: I was going to do everything in my power to prevent such travesties. I was going to become a veterinarian, not only to provide excellent care to the amazing creatures from whom we rent our planet, but more importantly to educate myself and others on how to care for them. A good owner is an educated owner, and we owe it to our animal guardians to give them the best possible knowledge base. A mere tributary of knowledge begets a stream of interest, support, and care. It is for this that have dedicated myself to the veterinary field, and for this that I will continue to rush against whatever should block my flow. Should shaky grades dam me, I will simply fill my reservoirs with experience, effort, and enthusiasm. Tireless as the river and timeless as the ocean, I will set my aspirations afloat. It is a difficult journey, but it is well worth it.

Also, do you think it is wise to reference algor mortis? I mean, everyone knows rigor, but pallor, algor and livor sorta fly under the radar.

 

[nyanko]

You want honesty? I think that this opening is exactly what you said your writing style is, and it comes off as ridiculously overdone to me. You can be descriptive without making the readers' eyes want to roll out of their heads, just so you know.

 

[sunshinevet]

A mere tributary of knowledge begets a stream of interest, support, and care. It is for this that have dedicated myself to the veterinary field, and for this that I will continue to rush against whatever should block my flow. Should shaky grades dam me, I will simply fill my reservoirs with experience, effort, and enthusiasm. Tireless as the river and timeless as the ocean, I will set my aspirations afloat. It is a difficult journey, but it is well worth

So you're keen as mustard to become a vet, you know the going is going to be rough, but you're not willing to back down because your dedicated and enthusiastic. So say that. I kind of felt like i was reading something to do with waterway geography instead of why adcoms should let you into vet school.

I agree with Nyanko. After a few lines, it became to tedious to try and read what you were trying to say.

 

[badcats]

Going to have to agree with Nyanko. I would ditch all of it but the first seven sentences since they set up the rest of your personal statement and are actually relevant, and I would try to make them sound less melodramatic. The rest is fluff.

 

[Shorin]

Thanks! I have a pretty bad fluff problem; it's really helpful to know when I start to go off the deep end there. It's unfortunately what rolls out of my fingers when I go to type (or write). D'oh!

 

[sunshinevet]

Ok, fair enough... but if you were going to have a conversation with someone about why you should be let into vet school - if you were going to have your story in a conversation form - would you talk so verbosely? So maybe try saying it outloud to yourself. And if you sound like a fruitcake, its probably too fluffy. 😀

 

[Shorin]

Heh, I'll try that, though I do talk a little fluffy too. It actually takes effort for me to talk sensibly with clients; just one of those things I have to deal with (I'm getting better). Maybe I'll try saying it out loud to one of my friends, they like to tease me for sounding like a fruitcake! It just happens when I'm talking about things I have passion for 😛

 

[nyanko]

You must be a joy to hang out with. 😉

 

[VAgirl]

I agree with the others.

But the interesting thing to me is there are all of these threads on the opener for the PS, but no one is talking about content. I think a neat opener is great, but where are you going with it? What's the body of the PS going to look like? I think you need to know what your point is going to be before you try and pick a gee whiz opening. Because if you don't know what you're going to say, how do you know that your chosen opening is setting you up to say it?

 

[aspiringDVM]

Honesty?
Okay, I LOOOVE big, long, obscure, and interesting words, but this is excessive. Some phrases didn't really make that much sense ("even a chance is invaluable), and many of those that did could be condensed down significantly (you only have 5000 characters!!!). Also, just MHO, but I'd avoid mentioning poor grades in your opening paragraph (even if enthusiasm and hard work will conquer the dam or something).
Sorry if this came off as witchy 😳.

 

[DVMDream]

I have to agree with everyone else. It is too verbose. If you are dedicated and enthusiastic to become a veterinarian than say so. I had to re-read a sentence or two. IMO I don't think the adcoms are going to re-read the sentences. They have hundreds of these and if they don't understand what you are trying to say the first time then they are more likely to set it aside and not read it again. I say cut back on the verbosity and you should be fine. 😉

 

[dgm]

I am clearly in the minority here, but I actually think this one of the more literate-sounding PS excerpts I've read. Yes, there is some stuff that can get yanked/reworked, but overall, I actually LIKE your writing style.

Oh but I have to ask, did you really mean travesty ("1 : a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule 2 : a feeble or ridiculous imitation")? Not sure I understand how that fits here...

 

[psjlg2]

I think unless its finding a simpler word, the thesaurus function on word can be detrimental to your personal statements health.