Advice: girlfriend and I both accepted into DO school, but she's accepted to MD

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MCBDoc

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Hey guys I'm looking for a little advice here. My girlfriend and I were both accepted to DMU, but she was also accepted to MSU-CHM. She's not reallly sure what she wants to do. She wants to go to MSU because she feels the MD will give her greater opportunities in the future than compared to graduating with a DO (not looking to start a DO vs. MD here btw). She also really loved MSU-CHM and all it had to offer. DMU is a great school as well tho.

Our relationship is very serious and we will likely get married; we've been living with each other for the past year. I would like her to come to DMU with me because I feel we will each develop our own separate lives if we go to different schools, but I also want her to be the happiest she can be.

The match list from both schools a fairly comparable, with the edge going to MSU. Also, she's looking into Anesthesia or EM at the moment and doesn't want to learn OMM since it will be of no use to her. She also doesn't like the idea of taking COMLEX and USMLE. Both are very valid points. I think being with each other during med school would negate any of the extra work being a DO instead of a MD has. Any advice guys? Thanks
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if you convince her to go to the DO school against her better judgement she will resent you forever because she'll always be thinking "what if" .....this is really a no-brainer...she should go to the MD school and you should deal with it. Sounds like you might either be insecure because she got into a more desirable school or afraid that she'll meet someone else if you don't keep her close by and keep an eye on her.
 
It's really her decision and it sounds like she's leaning towards MSU. If she values the relationship enough and wants it to work out, she will choose DMU. That's not to say it can't work out if you are separated for 4 years, I'm just saying that if she's really committed to the relationship as much as it sounds like you are, then it would be a no brainer for her.

It's really not an issue about which school is "best" for her. As far as specialties go, EM and anesthesia are DO friendly and she shouldn't have much problem matching ACGME if she works hard. Sure there's definitely disadvantages of DMU compared to MSU, but she'd be just fine at DMU with her career. The fact that she's even thinking about it (and leaning towards MSU at that) makes this a relationship issue more than a "what is the best school for her to be at" kind of question. If I had been in the same situation as her with my wife before we were married, it would have been a no brainer... "you mean I can be around the person I love AND go to medical school???" There would have been no other options in my mind...
 
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MCBDoc said:
Hey guys I'm looking for a little advice here. My girlfriend and I were both accepted to DMU, but she was also accepted to MSU-CHM. She's not reallly sure what she wants to do. She wants to go to MSU because she feels the MD will give her greater opportunities in the future than compared to graduating with a DO (not looking to start a DO vs. MD here btw). She also really loved MSU-CHM and all it had to offer. DMU is a great school as well tho.

Our relationship is very serious and we will likely get married; we've been living with each other for the past year. I would like her to come to DMU with me because I feel we will each develop our own separate lives if we go to different schools, but I also want her to be the happiest she can be.

The match list from both schools a fairly comparable, with the edge going to MSU. Also, she's looking into Anesthesia or EM at the moment and doesn't want to learn OMM since it will be of no use to her. She also doesn't like the idea of taking COMLEX and USMLE. Both are very valid points. I think being with each other during med school would negate any of the extra work being a DO instead of a MD has. Any advice guys? Thanks
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you're screwed.
 
100% she should go to the MD school, but only because it seems like thats what she wants to do and like another poster above me said, you dont want to look back on your life with a 'what if'
 
skinMD said:
if you convince her to go to the DO school against her better judgement she will resent you forever because she'll always be thinking "what if" .....this is really a no-brainer...she should go to the MD school and you should deal with it. Sounds like you might either be insecure because she got into a more desirable school or afraid that she'll meet someone else if you don't keep her close by and keep an eye on her.
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Exactly... or more likely than forever resenting you, the relationship won't last through M1. This is a decision that she really needs to make, and not you twisting her arm at all. It honestly sounds like the relationship is not as serious as you make it out to sound (at least to her), because if it was, you wouldn't be here asking us. She would have been ecstatic about DMU and wouldn't have even considered any other options. If she wants to go to MSU, then let her and hope for the best.
 
Have the talk and make sure you both see eye to eye on where the relationship is and where it's heading. If I was in her shoe I might go allo depending on her career choice. There are some obstacles to overcome as an osteopathic student ( I am), especially if you want to get into certain fellowships ( less options for certain do fellowships). If she's interested in academic/ teaching position i would also suggest allo. If she has a certain career goal that is attainable going osteopathic, then that would be perfectly fine. You learn the same stuff it's just opportunities and connections are different.
 
Unless there's a ring on a finger -- and by no means am I suggesting a proposal (can you say desperation?) -- each party needs to decide independently from one another what's going to be in their best interest. If that means the relationship ends then so be it. Though DMU is indeed a great school, based upon what she has said with respect to her career aspirations, it appears MD is going to be best for her.

I'm assuming this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but tough love it is. Unfortunately, that's the reality of it.
 
Plain and simple my friend, let her go where she wants to go.
 
OP, does your GF know about this thread?
I only ask because my money says she is already decided on MSU and just hasnt figured out a way/is reluctant to break it to you.
Have you considered moving with her and reapplying to her school?

I am just trying to get a better grip on the situation here... I feel like this should not be a novel conflict, and the two of you should have been expecting the possibility that you would not get into the same schools... did you also apply to MSU? Was there ever a "we go where we can both go" conversation that she is now backing out of? Or did you guys just assume everything would work out with no need for compromise?
 
skinMD said:
if you convince her to go to the DO school against her better judgement she will resent you forever because she'll always be thinking "what if" .....this is really a no-brainer...she should go to the MD school and you should deal with it. Sounds like you might either be insecure because she got into a more desirable school or afraid that she'll meet someone else if you don't keep her close by and keep an eye on her.
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This. Case closed.

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musclemilk619 said:
Plain and simple my friend, let her go where she wants to go.
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:thumbup:

"Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." -Yoda
 
skinMD said:
if you convince her to go to the DO school against her better judgement she will resent you forever because she'll always be thinking "what if" .....this is really a no-brainer...she should go to the MD school and you should deal with it. Sounds like you might either be insecure because she got into a more desirable school or afraid that she'll meet someone else if you don't keep her close by and keep an eye on her.
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I was going to jump down with comment because contrary to what people on here say, there are more important things than med school. however,

a runner said:
Exactly... or more likely than forever resenting you, the relationship won't last through M1. This is a decision that she really needs to make, and not you twisting her arm at all. It honestly sounds like the relationship is not as serious as you make it out to sound (at least to her), because if it was, you wouldn't be here asking us. She would have been ecstatic about DMU and wouldn't have even considered any other options. If she wants to go to MSU, then let her and hope for the best.
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This comment is spot on. If my wife got into KYCOM and I got into Harvard and KYCOM and we decided we both wanted to be doctors that bad, I would withdraw at Harvard and go to KYCOM. I know this is incredibly drastic, but if the relationship was that serious (at least in her eyes), she wouldn't hesitate. So that being said, she should go to MSU.
 
Interesting situation. I would let her choose her own path. The law of relationship is such that if you go against the flow, it could cause not only headaches but also heartaches.
 
MCBDoc said:
Hey guys I'm looking for a little advice here. My girlfriend and I were both accepted to DMU, but she was also accepted to MSU-CHM. She's not reallly sure what she wants to do. She wants to go to MSU because she feels the MD will give her greater opportunities in the future than compared to graduating with a DO (not looking to start a DO vs. MD here btw). She also really loved MSU-CHM and all it had to offer. DMU is a great school as well tho.

Our relationship is very serious and we will likely get married; we've been living with each other for the past year. I would like her to come to DMU with me because I feel we will each develop our own separate lives if we go to different schools, but I also want her to be the happiest she can be.

The match list from both schools a fairly comparable, with the edge going to MSU. Also, she's looking into Anesthesia or EM at the moment and doesn't want to learn OMM since it will be of no use to her. She also doesn't like the idea of taking COMLEX and USMLE. Both are very valid points. I think being with each other during med school would negate any of the extra work being a DO instead of a MD has. Any advice guys? Thanks
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It looks like you answered your own question. She doesn't really have any interest in going to a DO school, and why should she? If not for the OMM, which she has no interest in, there's no reason for her to sell herself short and deprive herself of valuable opportunities that will be there for her in four years. I bolded all the things that you typed out that show clearly what decision needs to be made. I also bolded the one telling comment that kind of raised my eyes a bit, that "YOU would like her to...etc etc." If you really loved her, you'd want her to do what's best for her. Don't care how 'serious' you guys are, if you wanted her to be the best she could be, you'd be INSULTED that she even entertain the thought of going to DMU (saying DMU is a great school btw seems kind of defensive; it depends on context, in the context of comparing it to MSU...that's a no brainer) over MSU, a MD school that she loves and feels like would open up many doors for her.

It's fairly obvious that the only reason this is up for debate is because she feels obliged to consider it due to something (i.e.: you) weighing her down. You should/need to encourage/demand that she go to MSU, because the way things are going right now, it won't be long until she starts feeling like you are holding her back. Let it happen and try your best to make things work.

Also: have you considered trying to withdraw and trying to go MD next application cycle, if you're worried about the potential longevity of your relationship due to factors such as residency opportunities in the future?
 
skinMD said:
if you convince her to go to the DO school against her better judgement she will resent you forever because she'll always be thinking "what if" .....this is really a no-brainer...she should go to the MD school and you should deal with it. Sounds like you might either be insecure because she got into a more desirable school or afraid that she'll meet someone else if you don't keep her close by and keep an eye on her.
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This :thumbup:

I was in a similar situation for undergrad, however I was accepted into better schools. I chose to go to a school close to my girlfriend. Academically it was dumb of me, however, even though there were many bumps in our relationship, I'm still with her today. Its been 7 years :love:
 
I think this is much less of a MD vs. DO issue than it is a location specific choice. At the end of the day, I think it's up to her to figure out what's most important. Are you guys not willing to try long distance? If she wants to go to MSU and your relationship ends because of it, I think both of you will be better off. First, if she's leaning that way and you try to reason her back then you're liable for any shortcomings she could have with you at DMU which will most likely hurt whatever it is you have going anyway. Second, in the course of a relationship, especially one that is heading towards marriage, you should ideally be headed towards a direction where you feel like the other person would go to the ends of the earth to be with you. If she's not independently deciding to go to DMU to be with you so she could remain with you...than maybe you guys aren't as committed as you both think you are?

Don't mean to be harsh, just trying to give you things to think about since you asked :p. If you're happy with DMU, go there. Don't put your life on hold or your future at risk for someone that's not willing to do the same for you.
 
I think it will be okay if she goes to msu if u mean Michigan state univ. You guys are not that far apart and can drive to each others locations or maybe somewhere in the middle ie chicago. Second during third year, DMU sends some of their students to Michigan. There you will get even closer geographically.
 
I encourage you to stay together and go to DMU together. You two sound serious and have been living together for one year. Medical school is not easy, you will need support from each other. Living appart will be unnecessarily stressful.

Please ignore the comments about how your significant other may not be as serious in this relationship as you may think. She is just blinded by the pre-med drive to "succeed" and be in "the best medical school because it will give most opportunity".
If both of you are living together and you two see yourself getting married then you got it made; medical school is secondary to everything else. Get through med-school and then couples match.

My wife and I were in a similar situation, and we chose to go to a D.O. school together and it was the best choice I have ever made.
 
Encourage her to go wherever she wants to go. Pretend to be excited for her if she says good things about MSU-CHM. If you try to force it down her throat she will either A. Go to DMU and resent you or B. (More likely) be even more inclined to attend MSU. Use a little psychology, and of course, realize that if you guys were meant to be together it will work out even if she goes to MSU.

ps. I will be at CHM in August and take good care of her for you. :whistle:
 
Igor4sugry said:
If both of you are living together and you two see yourself getting married then you got it made; medical school is secondary to everything else. Get through med-school and then couples match.

My wife and I were in a similar situation, and we chose to go to a D.O. school together and it was the best choice I have ever made.
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you're either married or you're not. if they were married everyone's advice may have been much different, i knew mine would have been. but unless you are married you should be making decisions as individuals. same goes for couples matching!
 
DrMediterranean said:
ps. I will be at CHM in August and take good care of her for you. :whistle:
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Hahahaha. Dr Mediterranean wins the internet.

Also what is this whole thing about shes not serious/doesnt love you if she wont go to med school with you. Its called long distance people. I know its hard but its only 2 years. You can rotate near each other if you make it through year 1 and 2.

Tell her to go to MSU, be happy for her and in 2 years if you make it, you two will survive just about anything
 
Preface: I am in a serious relationship

If my girlfriend and i were in your situation and she chose to go to MSU, I'd break up with her in a second. If she's not willing to learn OMM for 1.5hr/wk to stay with you....that is very telling. I know people that have made it work--going to different schools--but I also know plenty of 'serious' couples that broke up in similar situations. I agree with people who say there is more to life than med school.
 
TallScrubs said:
Preface: I am in a serious relationship

If my girlfriend and i were in your situation and she chose to go to MSU, I'd break up with her in a second. If she's not willing to learn OMM for 1.5hr/wk to stay with you....that is very telling. I know people that have made it work--going to different schools--but I also know plenty of 'serious' couples that broke up in similar situations. I agree with people who say there is more to life than med school.
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this could also be seen as selfishness... Why should she compromise her professional goals to match yours? You could also go with her since she has the better opportunity and re-apply in a year.
 
Let her go. Don't be an AFC.
 
My significant other of more than six years recently broke up with me because I decided to go to a medical school that was a 3 hour plane ride away from them. I knew it would happen if I chose that school over one that was closer, but I had to follow my dream. We would have likely gotten married if I stayed local.

Love sucks sometimes, lol. Your girlfriend probably wants to go to the school that will give her the most opportunities and chance to be the best physician she can be. Would you really want to see the person that you love give that up?

I feel for you - and I hope it works out, regardless of what she decides.
 
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She should be able to go wherever she wants to go. It's her future, and you shouldn't guilt trip her into going to DMU. Even if she goes to MSU, it doesn't mean that she's not serious about the relationship. I chose to move across the country away from my bf for med school because I liked the school I'm currently attending better instead of the instate school. You just need to have an honest talk about where the relationship stands and how she feels about the relationship. For me and my boyfriend, we both knew we were going to continue the relationship.
 
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TallScrubs said:
Preface: I am in a serious relationship

If my girlfriend and i were in your situation and she chose to go to MSU, I'd break up with her in a second. If she's not willing to learn OMM for 1.5hr/wk to stay with you....that is very telling.
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I dunno man, it can't be that serious a relationship if you'd break it off so easy.

Matriculating at an osteopathic school is a little bit more than just a couple of hours of OMM every week. Sure, it doesn't close most doors and it is practically speaking very similar, but depending on your future plans it's not completely equivalent in terms of opportunity. It's a distinct degree and those letters will be at the end of your name for the duration of your career.

If they are really planning to spend the rest of their lives together, then maybe it'd be worth both going to DMU. Then again, if its that certain then what are a couple of years apart?

Just because two people have lived together for a year doesn't mean they'll live together for the rest of their lives. "Serious" relationships end every day over much pettier things than career choice.

OP, sounds like you guys need to do do some thinking and talking, but it seems like the ball is in her court.
 
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Personally, if I were her, I probably would go with DMU because I don't perceive the difference in quality between DMU and MSU to be significant enough for it to really alter her career trajectory. However, I do think that it needs to be her decision and if you try to convince her to go with DMU it might backfire if she ends up feeling like she missed out on something.
If you are serious about staying together for the long haul, I think that doing a long distance thing between DMU and MSU is do-able. You could meet up halfway on breaks during the first two years and then do your clinical rotations in Michigan (there are tons of osteopathic rotations in Michigan as you probably know).
I ended up in a long distance relationship during the last half of med school. It wasn't ideal, but we're still together now that I'm a resident.
Good luck.
 
Mass Effect said:
Are you a pharm student? If so, I can see why you think what you do, but in all honesty, I think you're wrong. The fact is that while DMU is one of the best DO schools out there, life in general is just easier as an MD. We're talking about four years versus the rest of her working life. I mean, really, if it's as serious as the OP says it is, it should be able to survive four years -- not even, considering that fourth year, you can do electives/sub-I's together. And what's third year like at DMU? Do you get to rotate at hospitals around the country? Maybe you could rotate close enough to her that it isn't a long drive.

I'm going to agree with the first poster. Even if she's madly, deeply in love with you, to the point that you do get married prior to starting med school, you can't convince her to go DO when her heart isn't in it. She doesn't like OMT, doesn't want to take two boards (and if she applies to competitive places, she's going to have to as a DO), and likes MSU better. You need to let her chart her own career path. Despite what people here tell you, long distance relationships CAN work. They don't often, but they can if the couple already has the foundation is truly in love.
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I'm a pharm student for 2 more weeks, then I'll be a DO student. I agree that long distance relationships certainly can work, my wife and I were in one for a while before we got married, and the distance between DMU and MSU is much less than we had. However, we were both looking for any way possible to sacrifice to make it possible for us to be in the same place. If we had been in the same situation as the OP and his girlfriend, either one of us would have made the sacrifice without even thinking about it.

My point is that if she really is "madly, deeply in love" (which is really very superficial.. committment is what is important) with the OP, then he won't have to do any convincing at all (nor should he try). If that's the case, she won't want to be separated and in a long distance relationship. Of course, a lot of that has to do with maturity level and the stage of life she is in, and whether or not she's ready to settle down or still wants her "freedom." To the OP: I'm not saying you should give up on the relationship, just that you should be careful to be aware of the signs that she may not be as committed to the relationship as you are, let her make this decision, and be prepared for things to not go as you'd like. I'm not sure which posters are married or not, but I can tell you that those who have been successfully married for a good many years, especially with kids, will likely share my views and those who haven't will likely disagree.
 
LUCPM said:
Interesting situation. I would let her choose her own path. The law of relationship is such that if you go against the flow, it could cause not only headaches but also heartaches.
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Very true. Just let her go where she desires. The rest will fall into place.
 
Find a DO girlfriend.

We tend to be hotter anyway.
 
Go with her to MSU. Become a Michigan resident. Apply to MSUCOM. Matriculate at MSUCOM.
 
I think you need to just decide for yourself instead of getting advice here.

It should be assumed that an MD will be better to have 4 years from now, although I've heard great things about DMU. I personally don't think it matters that much but I'm not a PD. I would lean towards the MD unless living together was more important than career aspirations, at which point, one of you makes a sacrifice.

Good luck. I think it would be a great selfless move, if you love her, to say you will be happy with whatever she decides, and then you can make your decision after that. Influencing her decision is imposing your will and in the end, putting yourself first.


Eilat87 said:
Find a DO girlfriend.

We tend to be hotter anyway.
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This is a great plan B. lol
 
If your relationship is strong enough to weather med school, it is strong enough to weather 2-4 years long(ish) distance. If she goes with you to DMU there will absolutely be a point where she begins to blame you for her being someplace she doesn't like (no judgement on either school - this would still happen if the schools were reversed, being med school sucks and the grass is always greener). Encourage her to choose what's best for her, which sounds like MSU. If you are very uncomfortable about being apart, waiting another year and applying to Michigan is an option (but at some point you will blame her for your being a year behind. And, honestly, if you are scared of being apart then you are not ready to get married). Also, and very importantly, long distance can actually be a blessing in med school!
 
did you apply and not get into msucom? or just not apply there at all. definitely should have if you knew she was trying CHM. sorry i realize this is a very 20/20 hindsight comment. but maybe you're on the waitlist? if so tell them your situation
 
Mass Effect said:
Exactly the opposite. Most married couples know that when you're in love, your spouse's happiness and career goals is worth the sacrifice. And I'll add on, that I think med students will tend to have a different opinion on this than those who haven't started med school yet. Twisting her arm to go to a med school she doesn't want to attend (and get a DO degree in the end) is going to cause irreparable problems later on. Med school is expensive, it takes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to make it through. The worst thing you can do is be guilted into going to a school you don't like.
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Are you married? If not, then you don't know what kind of committment, compromises, and sacrifices it takes to make a marriage work, is all I was saying by that statement. I never said to twist her arm, in fact in several posts I said the OP should let her decide and not influence her decision.

Maybe this girl is young, maybe she's immature, or maybe she can't bear the idea of having DO behind her name, who knows, but instead it's probably that she's just not ready to be in a serious relationship/marriage with the OP. I'm just warning the OP so he's not cluelessly following her when she's not committed to him right now. The ball's in her court, if she decides to go to MSU, then that means she simply doesn't want to be around him that badly, so he certainly shouldn't drop his DMU acceptance and try to go to MSU for her.
 
Mass Effect said:
Where's the OP's sacrifice? That's what's wrong with this argument. If the girlfriend doesn't make the sacrifice, then it's clear she must not love the OP. But what sacrifice is the OP making? None. Zero. Zilch. She doesn't even have a ring on her finger. Why should she give up her dream for MSU and an MD so that he won't miss her?

Right, but what you said was that if she loved him, it would be a no-brainer. I'm saying that isn't true. You can love someone and still stand up for what you want, especially when there's no wedding/engagement involved.



It's really sad that you think that. I'll turn it around and say that if the OP is truly in love with her and is mature enough to be committed to her, then he won't have a problem with trying a long distance relationship for two years and/or deferring his acceptance so that he can apply to MSU for next year.
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because if she did it would validate some underlying unspoken side to this argument that DO is just as desirable as MD?
 
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