@Calizboosted76
If you want to talk to someone with small kids who is on the other side (graduating in May, Lord willing), feel free to PM me. I’ve also spent some time in the military and have moved around so I know what it’s like to be far and close to home. We’re fairly close to family now (~2 hours), but residency is looking like we’ll be 8-16 hours away more likely than not. We are having those conversations now. With kids in the picture, no doubt your wife will be the MVP of med school and residency. Mine is.
I’m actually currently sitting in a parking lot while my kiddos get a car nap so their mom can have a break haha! Should’ve brought a book.
I sympathize with you and understand how you want to accommodate your wife. I think that’s super admirable of you and speaks well of you as a man. That said, the conversation that you need to have with your wife is coming to a mutual agreement that you are in this
together. You are already married, and have a child - who needs a father as well as a mother. While it’s possible to do long distance, it’s not going to be good for you, your wife, or your daughter. Medicine is a job but it’s a job that requires commitment; a calling... it is most helpful when the whole family is on board. You cannot forge ahead without them, and your willingness to do anything and everything for them, to lay your life down for them,
will make you a better doctor (no matter what people say). But it’s a shared commitment, and if your family cannot do the same for you it will be very hard going forward.
My wife sounds very similar to yours in terms of temperament. She does not do well with major transition, to prefers to be close to home, and is introverted, and (very admirably I might add) loves her family very dearly (for the record I do too). But that’s where mission comes in. If you share that mission, a passion with her, you could take her to the ends of the earth. My wife has been literally everywhere (even on the other side of the globe) with me because of that shared mission, and she doesn’t regret a second of it. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. Fulfilling? Yes.
It has taken a lot of self sacrifice on both our parts also. I have had to limit my ambitions to a degree, and certainly my desire to do anything other than read, study, or be dad/husband (I.e. no ice climbing
). She has continually had to lay down the desire to be completely in control and have total stability (for a time).
That mission translates to making friends, also. My wife (despite her temperament) has actually made far more friends than I while in school. Partly from shared experience with other moms who are going through the med school process, and partly from the very real need for support outside of just me. So it could also be tremendously good for her in that regard.
As an aside, the first two years of school are busy with studying, but you can still see your kid(s) a lot in that timeframe, which will be nice for the family. Third year is a bit busy, and fourth year so far has been not so bad, so I feel I have been very available in this time for them. Residency will definitely be harder no doubt.
But it seems like your attitude has you on the right track, even if you don’t have all the answers. As I indicated before, you will do well if you prioritize your family before anything else. It just takes a little bit of discipline and sacrifice, and a lot of grace and love.
Her being raised by her grandparents does make this more difficult, I am sure. And important to be available for them as much as possible. There may be a happy medium; a way she can spend adequate amounts of time with them and with you and that is something you can figure out together.
Anyway, I wish you the best on your endeavor as a med student and in your marriage and fatherhood. This may not be popular ‘round these parts but I will pray for you. Genuinely.
