Being married to a med student

[lazybutt26]

So, I was just wondering if this is normal. It's block week and I am losing my mind studying. I am a first year and med school's started about 3 months ago. But here we go. My husband feels lonely and isolated because I am sitting at my desk studying all god damn every. single.day. First off, he thought med school was like an undergraduate program where you study two hours a day. Umm, I still studied a whole freaking day every day during pre-med on top of doing all the other extracurricular activities, so I don't know what kind of school he went to/what he did in college. But anyways, he basically blamed me for pursuing medicine and asked me why I would still be married to him. There's nothing benefiting him anyways since I am not spending any time with him, and I am in a massive debt, and it's only going to get worse with the stat of clinical rotation and residency. I feel like he married the wrong person. I didn't lead him wrong in anyways, but he said he just didn't realize how difficult it was going to be. Anyone who's married to a med student or a doctor, could you please share your experience? I don't even know what to do. Is this why doctors marry doctors because they understand each other? Thanks

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[MedDoc305]

So, I was just wondering if this is normal. It's block week and I am losing my mind studying. I am a first year and med school's started about 3 months ago. But here we go. My husband feels lonely and isolated because I am sitting at my desk studying all god damn every. single.day. First off, he thought med school was like an undergraduate program where you study two hours a day. Umm, I still studied a whole freaking day every day during pre-med on top of doing all the other extracurricular activities, so I don't know what kind of school he went to/what he did in college. But anyways, he basically blamed me for pursuing medicine and asked me why I would still be married to him. There's nothing benefiting him anyways since I am not spending any time with him, and I am in a massive debt, and it's only going to get worse with the stat of clinical rotation and residency. I feel like he married the wrong person. I didn't lead him wrong in anyways, but he said he just didn't realize how difficult it was going to be. Anyone who's married to a med student or a doctor, could you please share your experience? I don't even know what to do. Is this why doctors marry doctors because they understand each other? Thanks

What does your average day consist of? Do you have mandatory attendance? When does your husband work? Every student is different and the amount of time they need to dedicate to school varies.

Edit: I was going to wait to get a better picture of what your husband means by "not spending any time with him" but ill just add my story here. Personally, I started a relationship a few months before moving for med school and we are currently living together and thankfully thriving. It is a combination of me getting what I need to get done while he is at work (trying to be efficient, not slacking throughout the day), and him understanding that the few days leading up to a major exam I'm going to be MIA. Communication is key. If you are feeling overwhelmed because school is just requiring you to be up and studying from 8 am-10 pm then try and find more efficient methods of studying. Youll burn out at that pace and its not fair to your significant other to just ignore them like that. If you're getting done by 6-7 and dedicating 2-4 hours a night with your significant other and maybe even a weekend day then he needs to understand that needs to be enough for the next 3 years while you both make these sacrifices so you can live your dream and in the future have a stable, high paying career. As your husband he should want this for you.

 

[emergentmd]

Your spouse is too clingy for a med student. No saying he is too clingy, just too much so for a med student/resident. If he has issues now, he and you really need alot of reflection on this journey.

Not many, actually most spouses, can not deal with a med student/resident hours. Nothing wrong with this. Some are independent and can find other outlets.

 

[DrRedstone]

I'm married and it is hard to be the spouse of a medical student. As mentioned above, try to take time to be with your spouse. Ultimately medical school is just a phase in your life, but your marriage will likely last far beyond. That may mean giving up a perfect grade on your test in order to spend time with your husband, and you need to decide if that's worth it to you. I would also advise you to find a way to help your husband connect with people in the local area, accepting that that is very difficult during COVID. During this time your husband really needs people other than you to also be part of his life. Even outside of medical school, it's unhealthy for a husband to depend entirely on his wife or vice versa. Both should have their own social structure for support.

 

[ortnakas]

Marriage in med school and residency is not easy. A few things.

1) You have to make time for your spouse. You will never be able to make ENOUGH time for your spouse. But you have to carve out enough time for dinner and a sincere “how was your day” and maybe an episode of tv, even if that means sacrificing your quiz grade.

2) Your spouse will never know what you’re going through. Med school is stressful with the ridiculous amount of info and expectations and constant change and in residency you add in making life or death decisions. You can’t expect them to understand. They can’t pretend they do.

3) That said, don’t minimize their stress and frustrations and emotions. They’re just as real as yours.

4) Your spouse has to have an outlet that does not involve you. Hobbies, ways to de-stress, other people to talk to. Like I said before, while you need tp make time you’ll never be able to make enough, and you both have to find a way to live with that. And be happy with/in spite of that, because it’s going to be like this for a while.

You can make marriage work in medical training but it requires work and sacrifice (and not keeping score on who’s done more sacrificing). It’s worth it to me, but it’s a personal decision, and the two of you have to decide it it is worth it to you.

 

[bigindian4891]

My fiancee and I did long distance and living together in med school. It sounds like your husband doesnt really know what med school is.

1. Communication. This is the biggest thing. We were always open with each other. If she felt like I wasnt spending enough time with her, I would change that. That helps the most in any relationship.

2. Understanding. She understood that some weeks will be harder than others, but she knows that I committed to this, and in a way she did too. There needs to be a mutual understanding of what med school entails. Medical school is only going to get harder and more uncertain, and both of you need to realize that or have a hard conversation about those expectations.

I echo some of the other posters, it seems like he is a bit clingy/dependent and was not prepared for what you guys have to go through. I think its best if you have a conversation about the hard truths and time commitment the next few years are going to be. Doctors certainly dont need to marry doctors (Im not doing so) but there does need to be a mutual understanding about this process.

 

[DO2015CA]

At my school they had some kind of club for spouses that they had their own support system to deal with our med school. This helped the non-medical spouses to adjust and have people to do things with. See if your school has similar. I was not married during med school but ill echo whats said above is that his feelings are just as real as yours. You cannot expect him to sacrifice everything so that you can study all day everyday for the next 7 years. Its hard to see it now but being a B-C student isn't going to change your career path that drastically as compared to an A-B student

 

[Goro]

Marriage in med school and residency is not easy. A few things.

1) You have to make time for your spouse. You will never be able to make ENOUGH time for your spouse. But you have to carve out enough time for dinner and a sincere “how was your day” and maybe an episode of tv, even if that means sacrificing your quiz grade.

2) Your spouse will never know what you’re going through. Med school is stressful with the ridiculous amount of info and expectations and constant change and in residency you add in making life or death decisions. You can’t expect them to understand. They can’t pretend they do.

3) That said, don’t minimize their stress and frustrations and emotions. They’re just as real as yours.

4) Your spouse has to have an outlet that does not involve you. Hobbies, ways to de-stress, other people to talk to. Like I said before, while you need tp make time you’ll never be able to make enough, and you both have to find a way to live with that. And be happy with/in spite of that, because it’s going to be like this for a while.

You can make marriage work in medical training but it requires work and sacrifice (and not keeping score on who’s done more sacrificing). It’s worth it to me, but it’s a personal decision, and the two of you have to decide it it is worth it to you.

OP, you're getting some good advice in this thread. In particular, I'd like to follow up the wisdom above by saying that to survive med school, you have to carve out some time for yourself, and that would be time for you and your spouse.

You can have a life and be a med student, you just have to sacrifice a number of things. A marriage should NOT be one of them.

I'm fond of advising people that the following scenario is very common for med students:
Them: What are you doing?'
You: Studying

They have to get used to this. But at the same time, you can make time for them.

Be forewarned that residency will be an even bigger time demand on your life, and that your spouse is aware of this now. Good luck!

 

[DO2015CA]

OP, you're getting some good advice in this thread. In particular, I'd like to follow up the wisdom above by saying that to survive med school, you have to carve out some time for yourself, and that would be time for you and your spouse.

You can have a life and be a med student, you just have to sacrifice a number of things. A marriage should be one of them.

I'm fond of advising people that the following scenario is very common for med students:
Them: What are you doing?'
You: Studying

They have to get used to this. But at the same time, you can make time for them.

Be forewarned that residency will be an even bigger time demand on your life, and that your spouse is aware of this now. Good luck!

He meant you SHOULDNT sacrifice marriage. You will make sacrifices, your marriage should not be it.

 

[Goro]

He meant you SHOULDNT sacrifice marriage. You will make sacrifices, your marriage should not be it.

Good I-spy eyes. Many thanks for catching that!

 

[DO2015CA]

Good I-spy eyes. Many thanks for catching that!

My phone autocorrects on me all the time and I don’t catch it. That’s why the vast majority of my posts are edited for grammar lol

 

[ciestar]

It’s hard.
My husband kept encouraging me first and second year of med school when I just wanted to quit and drop out. He has been my biggest supporter through all of this.

That said, I did sacrifice some grades/studying and much of the social stuff to be with him when I was free to do so.

 

[Fidelio17]

Eh... it sounds like now that he knows what it's like, he doesn't want to do it anymore. If he doesn't see any point in being married to you anymore, then I would let him be *not married* to you anymore. It won't be an easy transition, but... if he can't support you now, no use letting him weigh you down.

 

[greenvsblack3]

My bf and I lived together before he decided to move with me across the country when I got into med school. I think he was sort of used to me not being available a lot because i was working 60+ hour weeks before med school. That being said, one thing that has REALLY helped was having a dedicated day/time that was just for us. So usually our day is Sunday's. We will go out to brunch or dinner and spend time together and no one else. I think having this dedicated time together has really been helpful for us. He's a bartender and only works 2-3 times a week over the weekend, so most of the time, we're in the apartment together, but sitting at our own desks doing our own thing. Every once in a while, we take trips too (we did this more so last year pre-COVID but we have still managed to do a trip just this month). We work around my schedule, so any trips that happen will be on a weekend where I just had an exam the Friday before. These little day trips give us something to look forward to and it means I don't need to stress as much since I don't have an exam to worry about.

As many already said, communication is key. Be honest when you're stressed and have an upcoming exam. The last thing you want is to have all that stress build up and explode. You both married each other for a reason--try to remind yourselves of that every couple of weeks. Even doing something as simple as blocking off an hour a day to have dinner together and not worry about school for a little bit (I'm the type who believes meals and studying should not mix). It is really hard for non-medical people to understand the stress that we as med students are under, but while a lot of doctors are married to doctors (at least on TV shows), in real life, most of the doctor's I've met are married to people who are nowhere near being in the medical field. It's not impossible--you guys got this! It's just a really hard adjustment period.

 

[Angus Avagadro]

My wife and I were married as med students, I an Oms 4 and my wife an Ms1. Fortunately, my wife was an elite student and went to class to socialize, so " I have to study" was rarely an issue. Having said that, we did the long distance engagement for 2 yrs. Our
" Fierce " desire to be together got us through any rough spots. Mutual respect is critical. Try to organize and set aside regular time to be together if possible. It can be done and the time you spend together will help with the stress. Most of all, talk it out . Good luck and best wishes

 

[GreenDuck12]

So, I was just wondering if this is normal. It's block week and I am losing my mind studying. I am a first year and med school's started about 3 months ago. But here we go. My husband feels lonely and isolated because I am sitting at my desk studying all god damn every. single.day. First off, he thought med school was like an undergraduate program where you study two hours a day. Umm, I still studied a whole freaking day every day during pre-med on top of doing all the other extracurricular activities, so I don't know what kind of school he went to/what he did in college. But anyways, he basically blamed me for pursuing medicine and asked me why I would still be married to him. There's nothing benefiting him anyways since I am not spending any time with him, and I am in a massive debt, and it's only going to get worse with the stat of clinical rotation and residency. I feel like he married the wrong person. I didn't lead him wrong in anyways, but he said he just didn't realize how difficult it was going to be. Anyone who's married to a med student or a doctor, could you please share your experience? I don't even know what to do. Is this why doctors marry doctors because they understand each other? Thanks

I was worried about this when I started and my mentor student in the class above recommend blocking out time when you’ll be available to your spouse. That’s what I’ve been doing with my spouse and it’s going fine. We walk our dog each night and I block off Saturday from other commitments.