Considering a long distance relationship?

[spazz911]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together for about a year now. We started dating right after I completed undergrad, and when she just started undergrad. Since then we've lived in the same city for a year until I just recently (a month ago) moved to a nearby city (1.5hr away).

I am currently waiting to hear back from my only in-state school in a few weeks (I'd say it's about a 50/50 chance for admission). Aside from that, I am accepted in a school on the opposite side of the country.

The relationship has been great. We care for each other very much, though we are both in our early 20's and marriage/family/kids is not anywhere in our minds. There has also been a lot of tension and frustration between us this month since we're both adjusting to semi-long distance and not seeing each other for long periods of time. It's a transition period for us right now, while we are figuring out how to adjust to new changes.

Here's my concern:
I am having difficulty determining if we should stay together if I move OOS. It is an issue her and I recently agreed we would think about more, since we're both on the fence.

So SDN: what is your experience with this? Any one in a similar boat? How did you/your S.O. deal with it?

Most importantly, has anyone had to make this decision? How did it work out in the end?

Thanks ~

PS- I've received advice from friends in very similar scenarios and they suggest we try it, rather than don't try and ask "what if...". Thoughts on this? Does it just end up prolonging heartache?

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[WhtsThFrequency]

Personally, I wouldn't embark on a serious LDR unless I was in a very long term relationship (i.e. a couple years with plans to get married), engaged, or actually married.

If marriage/family/kids aren't anywhere in your mind, you really don't have a clear idea of where the relationship is going (understandable if you're ~20 or so and have only been dating for a year). The sort of commitment that a long-term LDR needs probably isn't on your radar right now. I don't say that to be judgemental or preachy in the least - this is just how it appears to me.

I tried an LDR in a similar situation as y'all and it failed. Most will. We had no set "end-point" to our relationship. It was kinda like well...we're dating...yeah...I guess we'll keep dating. It wasn't "I am committed moving there in x amount of time and we will get engaged/married."

That being said, if you really want to try, you can give it a shot. But know that it's going to be extremely rough, and you guys need to thoroughly discuss it.

But if you're having trouble adjusting to a 1.5 hour difference (which honestly, in the big scheme of things, isn't very long-distance at all - with good planning you could see each other every weekend) I can't see how you'd adjust to a cross-country LDR where you may only get to see each other for a few days every couple months at best.

 

[gostudy]

I see as three step decision process:

1. Are you planning on getting married? It doesn't matter that you are in your early 20s. I think too many young folks date just for the hell of it. Not that you should think about getting married next year, but I think you two should figure out why you are dating each other. Is it with intention of convenience just to hang out, or do you one day (perhaps in the distant future) want to get married?

If your answer to 1 is yes then proceed to 2. If it is no, then stop. Imo a LDR would be pretty tough (see number 3) without long-term commitment.

2. Can you handle a LDR? You two probably should have an honest conversation with each other about it. If based on your SLDR (short LDR) of 1.5 hrs you think that it's too much for the relationship you should think twice about moving across the country. Sometimes in order to make a committed relationship work compromise is necessary. I don't think people should sacrifice entire careers for relationships but smaller compromises here and there are often necessary. For example, being a doctor vs. not being a doctor opposed to going to one med school vs. another. In terms of residency, where you go to med school matters but not THAT much. If your relationship is headed for marriage, relationship survival should trump med school choice imo.

3. Speaking from my experience from having both a SLDR and a LDR, they can be hard on a relationship. Imo they can only work as, like WTF said, you have a long term plan for the relationship. In that case it could actually make you two stronger as you will learn about each other through the process and every time you get together it will be like a mini vacation. If you don't have a long term plan for the relationship I don't see how a cross country LDR can work...in that case what's the point of even being together?

 

[spazz911]

I agree with both of you 100%. Thanks for your input, it's helpful to get another opinion.

What are your thoughts about pursuing the SLDR relationship if I stay in state? I think it is completely feasible, but again I would love to hear opinions/experiences.

 

[fancymylotus]

Personally, I wouldn't embark on a serious LDR unless I was in a very long term relationship (i.e. a couple years with plans to get married), engaged, or actually married.

If marriage/family/kids aren't anywhere in your mind, you really don't have a clear idea of where the relationship is going (understandable if you're ~20 or so and have only been dating for a year). The sort of commitment that a long-term LDR needs probably isn't on your radar right now. I don't say that to be judgemental or preachy in the least - this is just how it appears to me.

I tried an LDR in a similar situation as y'all and it failed. Most will. We had no set "end-point" to our relationship. It was kinda like well...we're dating...yeah...I guess we'll keep dating. It wasn't "I am committed moving there in x amount of time and we will get engaged/married."

That being said, if you really want to try, you can give it a shot. But know that it's going to be extremely rough, and you guys need to thoroughly discuss it.

But if you're having trouble adjusting to a 1.5 hour difference (which honestly, in the big scheme of things, isn't very long-distance at all - with good planning you could see each other every weekend) I can't see how you'd adjust to a cross-country LDR where you may only get to see each other for a few days every couple months at best.

This.

I'm dating someone who is going to be ~1000 miles away from me for the next two years(in med school) and we've been together around nine months so far(the entire time has been an LDR).

If you're dating someone just to date them and see where it goes and havent had any sort of concrete conversation re:future plans, an LDR is probably the wrong kind of situation to do that in.

I will say that the only reason that my LDR works is because 1) im not in school anymore and so have the scheduling and financial freedom to be able to see him frequently, and 2) because we have a definite plan for our future together.

 

[shocolatemilk]

Hey man,

I didn't read any of the other posts, but I think you should just try it out. I'm not saying you have or ever will, but please please please do not consider jeopardizing your medical education to be with someone. Sorry, just had to throw that out there.

Try it out. Who knows? Maybe it works well for you two because it gives you the time and space to study. Maybe it won't work out, but hey, at least you tried and now you know for sure that it won't work.

I tried it out going into college and it worked for a little more than a year. Eventually the distance tore us apart but I don't regret having tried. In my case, our lives were heading in completely different directions and there was no opportunity within 8 years for us to be physically near each other. On the other hand, my roommate did long distance all throughout college and they are graduated and still together to this day (although they broke up for a year in the middle of it).

Given my experience and other stories I've heard, it seems the grim truth is that the majority of long distance relationships do not tend to work. However, there is a small minority for which long distance does not present a problem, and those couples seem to be very in love.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try it out. See if it works. But don't let any of it distract you from your goal. You are very, very fortunate to have been accepted to medical school, so don't mess it up. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't, so be it. Let it be. Have faith, be and do good and you will see God will help you. You will have plenty of opportunity to meet many great people. This is the start of the rest of your life, you're going to be a doctor! Be glad! And don't let things like this bring you down.

Congratulations on your recent acceptances. I hope you find this well.

God Bless

 

[J ROD]

Personally, I could not do it. I could not handle being states away and seeing them a couple times here and there a semester. This dog would end up hunting.

I do have a classmate that has been dating someone in Cali (we are East Coast) so one coast to the other.......all first year. I see pics of them on FB together now.

So, he seems to be making it work. It is all about the people involved and their needs and communication.

So, it may be possible.........just depends.

But, if you are having trouble with 1.5hrs, that is not a good sign. I drive almost an hr to school everyday. So, that is not a huge distance really.

 

[spleencakes]

Tbh, unless you can yourselves building a future together, it might not be worth the trouble.

I'm not in an identical situation or anything, but I was in a SLDR for 3 1/2 years. I saw my SO during breaks, and other than that, we just kept in touch online and stuff. The first 2 years were a little rough, things were better the 3rd year, and we're doing very very well now. Because my SO and I were thinking of getting married, the SLDR was worth it. Otherwise, it could probably be more trouble than it's worth, especially on top of the stresses of med/vet/etc school. I'd imagine LDR would be worse than SLDR. I know you guys aren't thinking about marriage right now, but could you see it in the future? If so, go for it! It is understandable that there is frustration and tension present even though you're currently 1.5 hours away (for example, if you're both busy enough that it would be impossible to set aside 3 hours for travel on top of visit time, it kind of works out the same as someone who's even further away and can't visit, so I wouldn't immediately write off 1.5 hours as being insignificant), and kinks don't work themselves out overnight. I wouldn't let that completely dissuade you from considering a LDR, unless you and your SO have major issues with working out kinks.

Best of luck to you both! =]


Edit: I also had a really short SLDR with the wrong person. It was horrible for my grades and for my sanity, and I regret that decision to this day.

 

[IANKRISBANAWA]

Long distance is very hard and complicated way of one's relationship. It is even consider that it is the relationship that doesn't last. But I still believe, that if you are meant for each other, if you are really to each other, then the distance will not be the hindrance for bot of you to get separated. That is what I believe.

 

[studentp0x]

On top of that has been said in this thread already, keep in the mind the risk of cheating is quite high.

 

[chickensoupdr]

If you can really see a future with your partner, I would definitely give LDR a shot - even if there isn't a clear date or time frame as to how long you guys will live apart from each other. You never know, especially if you and your partner are in the same medical field.

 

[jakeislove]

If you're not really serious about her, no. If you're really serious about the other person, think twice. If you decide to still do it after thinking twice..... think at least 5 more times and try very hard talking yourself into saying no.

The relationship will always be competing with the time, attention, energy, and emotion you'll need to truly succeed in school.

People told me the same thing and I didn't listen. I fight with guilt every day because there just isn't enough of me left to do everything right.

 

[Mad Jack]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been together for about a year now. We started dating right after I completed undergrad, and when she just started undergrad. Since then we've lived in the same city for a year until I just recently (a month ago) moved to a nearby city (1.5hr away).

I am currently waiting to hear back from my only in-state school in a few weeks (I'd say it's about a 50/50 chance for admission). Aside from that, I am accepted in a school on the opposite side of the country.

The relationship has been great. We care for each other very much, though we are both in our early 20's and marriage/family/kids is not anywhere in our minds. There has also been a lot of tension and frustration between us this month since we're both adjusting to semi-long distance and not seeing each other for long periods of time. It's a transition period for us right now, while we are figuring out how to adjust to new changes.

Here's my concern:
I am having difficulty determining if we should stay together if I move OOS. It is an issue her and I recently agreed we would think about more, since we're both on the fence.

So SDN: what is your experience with this? Any one in a similar boat? How did you/your S.O. deal with it?

Most importantly, has anyone had to make this decision? How did it work out in the end?

Thanks ~

PS- I've received advice from friends in very similar scenarios and they suggest we try it, rather than don't try and ask "what if...". Thoughts on this? Does it just end up prolonging heartache?

Try it, you'll very quickly learn what direction it is heading in. If it doesn't look good after a few weeks or a couple months, just let it go man, it's gone.

 

[puppy234]

n

 

[that redhead]

Do long distance relationships from college last even into medical school ? Currently, we are long distance in college, but soon going to medical schools that are 7hrs apart or maybe even out of the country. Any ideas? We have like 1 month before graduation . I feel like we have it good, but I don't know if he feels the same.

We were together (no distance) through college but I moved 1200 miles away to vet school. We're rounding out our third year and we've made it without any problems (and got married after second year). That being said, all but one or two of my LDR classmates have broken up with their SOs over the three years.

If you've been LD all through college, you know the deal with communication and stuff. Starting a rigorous program will have its tough points but it's entirely feasible. I would absolutely sit down and talk with him to see where he is on the matter and what your expectations for the future are. One of the biggest things that has helped me through is that we have a known end-point. In your case, essentially eight years apart plus unknown for your post-graduate years seems like a lot to me, especially if you want to start a family or buy a home or whatever. But if you're both okay with it, why not?

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

We were together (no distance) through college but I moved 1200 miles away to vet school. We're rounding out our third year and we've made it without any problems (and got married after second year). That being said, all but one or two of my LDR classmates have broken up with their SOs over the three years.

If you've been LD all through college, you know the deal with communication and stuff. Starting a rigorous program will have its tough points but it's entirely feasible. I would absolutely sit down and talk with him to see where he is on the matter and what your expectations for the future are. One of the biggest things that has helped me through is that we have a known end-point. In your case, essentially eight years apart plus unknown for your post-graduate years seems like a lot to me, especially if you want to start a family or buy a home or whatever. But if you're both okay with it, why not?

Plus that means they started dating in high school, and will spend eight years apart - at least. What about residency, etc? You can't guarantee you will be together for that either. So that's looking at 12 or so years. This doesn't sound like a good idea to me. You will be completely different people by the end of this.

How can you possibly know a person, much less know you want to spend the rest of your life with them, if you spend almost a decade of your formative years apart? I'm not trying to be a downer, just a realist.

If you "don't know if he feels the same", then your communication skills aren't good enough to embark on this either. You need to communicate with him. Sit down together and talk this out.

 

[Quik]

I've been in those shoes before, we broke the relationship off when I moved because it seemed like it was the rational thing to do. After realizing the mistake, we tried everything to repair it but the damage was done; our hearts had been broken and we had lost our trust. Try it until it fails. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, and should the feelings persist the distance, circumstances can be changed to accommodate the relationship.

Don't try and project the future and calculate odds of relationship survival. It's a dangerous and foolish thing to do.

 

[TitaniumPhoebe]

long distance is hard, but so are relationships in general IMO. My advice would be if you are really into each other, decide to keep seeing each other. If you start to be unhappy, end the relationship. Of course I'm a lot older than you are I'm sure and have been in several relationships and am better at jumping ship I suppose. I just ended a LDR because it was adding more stress to my life than happiness. I just see relationships as if they work out, great. If not, oh well, life goes on.

 

[mmee]

I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years with an SO who is finishing up his first year of medical school. I'll be matriculating this fall at a neighboring state and we will be in a LDR. It helps that we are both aspiring to be physicians.

I'm a little nervous/worried but he tells me everything is going to be fine. And honestly, I do believe it will be fine. I've already made plans and saved up money from my job to afford flights back home. The drive is about 7-8 hours by car. There is also a train that takes 9 hours.

I've been told that a lot of it is just your mentality. If you continue to believe it will work, then it will work. However, if you constantly have lingering doubts and negative feelings, those feelings will consume you and push you to make that decision to break up. Everyone has doubts once in awhile but what matters is how you let your thoughts control your actions. Relationships are a two-way street and one person can't be holding up one end of it constantly either. Make sure to sit down and just have a serious talk about it and have a game plan. It's hard but it will be worth it.

Question: He brought up to me the possibility of taking a year off so that we can apply to residency together as the same class. We want to be together for residency and we do see ourselves together in the future, and we're determined to get good Step 1 scores for it if it could happen! Does anyone know if it is possible to apply to the same residency as a couple? Perhaps anyone knows of a few success stories?