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- May 10, 2015
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Hey guys, my title is pretty much what it sounds like. I am sorry for the length of this post but I feel it is necessary to get as much input from you guys for help as I can. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and look forward to your responses.
Upon graduating undergrad, I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to continue being a RPG (Report Program Generator, I had done this part time to pay for school rather well, not role playing game haha) programmer or pursue my interest in clinical psychology as a therapist and eventually make my way to PsyD and becoming a psychologist. There were a lot of considerations to be made, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to join a graduate program or stay a programmer. My solution was to take graduate level classes I could part time that a college allowed me to (it would have counted towards my degree upon acceptance), while still writing code part time and decide after that time. My undergraduate thesis adviser told me multiple times I would love the structure and content of graduate school much more than undergrad, and he was right on the money.
From the first week of the first semester in, I truly enjoyed graduate school. It took the best parts I loved during undergrad and magnified those into entire courses. My fellow students were bright, had interesting pursuits/plans and were motivated (ok, most of them). I quickly developed a friendly relationship with a brand new first year professor, a licensed neuropsychologist, since my minor in undergrad was neuroscience (I find it fascinating, the other half of the coin with psychology) and we would regularly hang out talking about neuro/psych stuff as well as just talking about things we both liked such as t.v. series and whatnot. None of my fellow first year students in the program had my neuro background, and the neuropsychologist was always grateful I participated a lot in discussions that included the physiological/biological side of mental illness. She told me she looked forward to papers/presentations I wrote as class assignment because I included relevant neuro-views where necessary instead of just skipping that portion like the rest of the students in my class. I also did this with a professor specialized in psychotherapy and gained tremendous respect for both of them. Life was awesome.
I scored among highest in the classes (all A's) I took and have no problem admitting only taking part time class workloads was an advantage to me, even though I had roughly 30 hour work weeks outside of class, but I nevertheless did an impressive job.
NOW, the important part: During my part time year I had a close friend die to cancer and also broke up with my fiancee, which obviously lead me to a bout with depression. I have no shame in admitting this. The university I was studying at part time had let me know prior this was a "trial period" for me, and if my performance was impressive I would have the advantage of consideration for the next round of graduate school admissions since I was already familiar to the university/program. This was told to me by my program's department head (verbally, sadly with no record).
Despite these horrible events in my life, I maintained a 4.0 at that university which I am still to this day, EXCEPTIONALLY proud of.
**No one can or will take that pride from me regardless of their status.**
My department head noticed I was in a depressed state and after a while called me into his office. After pleasantries and I explained the reasons behind my depression, he told me that the department was not interested in me, and I had failed to impress the program (I had talked to my professors, and I had impressed them and they were shocked to hear I did not impress the department head, the shock was plainly visible on their faces). Here is the most incredulous part: I was in counseling @ this university to deal with my depression and it was slowly helping. I told my department head I was seeking help and I still performed extremely well in every pursuit I took at that university. HE LAUGHED AT ME TO MY FACE and said "Sorry, we still aren't interested." The Dept. Head claimed I blew off meetings with (I never did, and I denied it) and my state of mind had one of the professors (let's call him JJ) I grew close with worried. He sat there with a smile on his face, refused to give me other reasons as to why I hadn't impressed him until I had had enough, I politely said farewell since burning bridges with snarky comments is a bad idea, and I still had faith I could get into this program that I had a great time learning in and enjoying the professors. I really felt like this program fit me right.
I informed my counselor during a therapy session as this had further depressed me. After all, I had dealt with so much and still thrived with A's, outscoring students that WERE IN the program already. My counselor attempted to set up a meeting with my department head to act as mediator as both myself and my counselor had a very optimistic view that I would get through this difficult part of my life. My counselor was impressed I maintained A's despite this troubling time. I was never in danger of harming myself or others, I just needed help getting through this very rough patch. The department head refused to meet with my counselor to discuss my progress in therapy and positive outlook. This stunned my counselor and she was at a loss. She tried multiple times but no dice.
I talked to JJ about this issue (great guy, great educator) and he was puzzled when I told him the Dept. Head said I blew off meetings with him, and said he knew I certainly did not. JJ also informed me that "No offense "mynamehere", but I don't worry about you. I have a very hectic life I concern myself with and if I had seen any behavioral problems with you or warning signs, I surely would have talked to you about it. I am not quite sure what the Dept. Head meant." While he didn't advise me to give up seeking admittance to a program here, he said the ignorant department head could instantly veto an application into the program even against the rest of the admissions committee's wishes. I checked with the department's policies and this was true.
A few days later, while hanging out with my neuropsych professor during her office hours (which with us both being new to this particular university we both appreciated these small hangouts, I had not filled her in on my tragic experiences or conversation with that Dept. Head). That day, she got a call from (I am 99.9% sure) was the Dept. Head. She answered with "Hello..... Why yes, I am actually hanging out with him right now...." there was a long pause while she glanced at me numerous times, then she said ok and goodbye. Out of the blue, the new topic of conversation was: Her turning to me and explaining with an accompanying sympathetic look that I should drop out of her class in progress, because another student would have been too much workload on her, and pursue my education elsewhere. I was stunned, confused and pretty hurt. By this point in I was already about 5-6 classes into the second semester with my neuropsych professor (I took one of her classes my first semester here and she said she had better see me in one of her classes next semester, which felt awesome to me at the time and I did indeed sign up with her for another class). So her excuse of all of a sudden having too high a workload only after getting that call seemed flimsy at best. With me in that class her total students would have been 9.
After the effort I had made to show that program that I had promise and the friendships with students and professors alike I had made despite adversity, I was being forced out. Let's not forget I had signed a lease to live in this town 4 hours away from my home. I had dropped by her office to say hi after that had happened but the conversation I got from her was extremely forced and falsely joyous, unlike the casual talks we so easily had prior. I don't blame her for just going along with the department head, she was as new as I was and probably did not want to step on any toes. I got the same sympathetic looks from the people that knew me in hallways as I passed. I even received a couple of concerned looks and general "How you doing?'s from people I never told what I was going through at the time. I only got this type of attention after my meeting with the department head where he actually laughed at my claims of going to therapy and getting better. I am still in disbelief over it. I am certain everyone knows my business now and the backlash is awful. Trust me, I didn't imagine this.
Every professor I had taken classes with at this university were more than happy to give me strong, positive letters of recommendation as well as words of encouragement to any another program I could apply to. This truly gave me mixed messages about what the real issue here was. Every professor I had taken classes with had said I had impressed them (hence the willingness to write me letters of rec), and I hadn't taken one of the Dept. Head's classes yet, but I somehow did not impress him.
I have, since then, unsuccessfully tried to make an appointment with the department head to try and talk through all of this. Should I just abandon this program? I feel like I have a lot to lose by doing so. Should I seek the attention of higher ranked members of this university and see what can be done? I don't have physical proof that I was in a trial period or any of the Dept. Heads claims against me, and he could just veto my app without me ever knowing. Should I bother to apply? I'd need to know soonish since the application deadline date is rapidly approaching. Is my graduate school experience going to be awful if the dept. head doesn't like me? I don't think the Dept. Head hates me for some reason, I refuse to think that. I think he thinks due to my mental state I wouldn't finish my degree and drop out of the program, but there are nagging concerns of things that he has done that makes me think he does kind of hold something against me. Plus, I am getting help and improving in therapy without any medication or concerns my therapist has for me.
I appreciate any and all opinions. I am aware my story comes off as "Boo hoo I didn't do anything to deserve this hate, this guy just picks on me" but I have told the truth as accurately as possible, because I want sincere info that can help me. Thank you.
Edit: Also I was not sure what part of the site to put this in. If there is an issue please let me know and i can recreate it elsewhere, mods.
Upon graduating undergrad, I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to continue being a RPG (Report Program Generator, I had done this part time to pay for school rather well, not role playing game haha) programmer or pursue my interest in clinical psychology as a therapist and eventually make my way to PsyD and becoming a psychologist. There were a lot of considerations to be made, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to join a graduate program or stay a programmer. My solution was to take graduate level classes I could part time that a college allowed me to (it would have counted towards my degree upon acceptance), while still writing code part time and decide after that time. My undergraduate thesis adviser told me multiple times I would love the structure and content of graduate school much more than undergrad, and he was right on the money.
From the first week of the first semester in, I truly enjoyed graduate school. It took the best parts I loved during undergrad and magnified those into entire courses. My fellow students were bright, had interesting pursuits/plans and were motivated (ok, most of them). I quickly developed a friendly relationship with a brand new first year professor, a licensed neuropsychologist, since my minor in undergrad was neuroscience (I find it fascinating, the other half of the coin with psychology) and we would regularly hang out talking about neuro/psych stuff as well as just talking about things we both liked such as t.v. series and whatnot. None of my fellow first year students in the program had my neuro background, and the neuropsychologist was always grateful I participated a lot in discussions that included the physiological/biological side of mental illness. She told me she looked forward to papers/presentations I wrote as class assignment because I included relevant neuro-views where necessary instead of just skipping that portion like the rest of the students in my class. I also did this with a professor specialized in psychotherapy and gained tremendous respect for both of them. Life was awesome.
I scored among highest in the classes (all A's) I took and have no problem admitting only taking part time class workloads was an advantage to me, even though I had roughly 30 hour work weeks outside of class, but I nevertheless did an impressive job.
NOW, the important part: During my part time year I had a close friend die to cancer and also broke up with my fiancee, which obviously lead me to a bout with depression. I have no shame in admitting this. The university I was studying at part time had let me know prior this was a "trial period" for me, and if my performance was impressive I would have the advantage of consideration for the next round of graduate school admissions since I was already familiar to the university/program. This was told to me by my program's department head (verbally, sadly with no record).
Despite these horrible events in my life, I maintained a 4.0 at that university which I am still to this day, EXCEPTIONALLY proud of.
**No one can or will take that pride from me regardless of their status.**
My department head noticed I was in a depressed state and after a while called me into his office. After pleasantries and I explained the reasons behind my depression, he told me that the department was not interested in me, and I had failed to impress the program (I had talked to my professors, and I had impressed them and they were shocked to hear I did not impress the department head, the shock was plainly visible on their faces). Here is the most incredulous part: I was in counseling @ this university to deal with my depression and it was slowly helping. I told my department head I was seeking help and I still performed extremely well in every pursuit I took at that university. HE LAUGHED AT ME TO MY FACE and said "Sorry, we still aren't interested." The Dept. Head claimed I blew off meetings with (I never did, and I denied it) and my state of mind had one of the professors (let's call him JJ) I grew close with worried. He sat there with a smile on his face, refused to give me other reasons as to why I hadn't impressed him until I had had enough, I politely said farewell since burning bridges with snarky comments is a bad idea, and I still had faith I could get into this program that I had a great time learning in and enjoying the professors. I really felt like this program fit me right.
I informed my counselor during a therapy session as this had further depressed me. After all, I had dealt with so much and still thrived with A's, outscoring students that WERE IN the program already. My counselor attempted to set up a meeting with my department head to act as mediator as both myself and my counselor had a very optimistic view that I would get through this difficult part of my life. My counselor was impressed I maintained A's despite this troubling time. I was never in danger of harming myself or others, I just needed help getting through this very rough patch. The department head refused to meet with my counselor to discuss my progress in therapy and positive outlook. This stunned my counselor and she was at a loss. She tried multiple times but no dice.
I talked to JJ about this issue (great guy, great educator) and he was puzzled when I told him the Dept. Head said I blew off meetings with him, and said he knew I certainly did not. JJ also informed me that "No offense "mynamehere", but I don't worry about you. I have a very hectic life I concern myself with and if I had seen any behavioral problems with you or warning signs, I surely would have talked to you about it. I am not quite sure what the Dept. Head meant." While he didn't advise me to give up seeking admittance to a program here, he said the ignorant department head could instantly veto an application into the program even against the rest of the admissions committee's wishes. I checked with the department's policies and this was true.
A few days later, while hanging out with my neuropsych professor during her office hours (which with us both being new to this particular university we both appreciated these small hangouts, I had not filled her in on my tragic experiences or conversation with that Dept. Head). That day, she got a call from (I am 99.9% sure) was the Dept. Head. She answered with "Hello..... Why yes, I am actually hanging out with him right now...." there was a long pause while she glanced at me numerous times, then she said ok and goodbye. Out of the blue, the new topic of conversation was: Her turning to me and explaining with an accompanying sympathetic look that I should drop out of her class in progress, because another student would have been too much workload on her, and pursue my education elsewhere. I was stunned, confused and pretty hurt. By this point in I was already about 5-6 classes into the second semester with my neuropsych professor (I took one of her classes my first semester here and she said she had better see me in one of her classes next semester, which felt awesome to me at the time and I did indeed sign up with her for another class). So her excuse of all of a sudden having too high a workload only after getting that call seemed flimsy at best. With me in that class her total students would have been 9.
After the effort I had made to show that program that I had promise and the friendships with students and professors alike I had made despite adversity, I was being forced out. Let's not forget I had signed a lease to live in this town 4 hours away from my home. I had dropped by her office to say hi after that had happened but the conversation I got from her was extremely forced and falsely joyous, unlike the casual talks we so easily had prior. I don't blame her for just going along with the department head, she was as new as I was and probably did not want to step on any toes. I got the same sympathetic looks from the people that knew me in hallways as I passed. I even received a couple of concerned looks and general "How you doing?'s from people I never told what I was going through at the time. I only got this type of attention after my meeting with the department head where he actually laughed at my claims of going to therapy and getting better. I am still in disbelief over it. I am certain everyone knows my business now and the backlash is awful. Trust me, I didn't imagine this.
Every professor I had taken classes with at this university were more than happy to give me strong, positive letters of recommendation as well as words of encouragement to any another program I could apply to. This truly gave me mixed messages about what the real issue here was. Every professor I had taken classes with had said I had impressed them (hence the willingness to write me letters of rec), and I hadn't taken one of the Dept. Head's classes yet, but I somehow did not impress him.
I have, since then, unsuccessfully tried to make an appointment with the department head to try and talk through all of this. Should I just abandon this program? I feel like I have a lot to lose by doing so. Should I seek the attention of higher ranked members of this university and see what can be done? I don't have physical proof that I was in a trial period or any of the Dept. Heads claims against me, and he could just veto my app without me ever knowing. Should I bother to apply? I'd need to know soonish since the application deadline date is rapidly approaching. Is my graduate school experience going to be awful if the dept. head doesn't like me? I don't think the Dept. Head hates me for some reason, I refuse to think that. I think he thinks due to my mental state I wouldn't finish my degree and drop out of the program, but there are nagging concerns of things that he has done that makes me think he does kind of hold something against me. Plus, I am getting help and improving in therapy without any medication or concerns my therapist has for me.
I appreciate any and all opinions. I am aware my story comes off as "Boo hoo I didn't do anything to deserve this hate, this guy just picks on me" but I have told the truth as accurately as possible, because I want sincere info that can help me. Thank you.
Edit: Also I was not sure what part of the site to put this in. If there is an issue please let me know and i can recreate it elsewhere, mods.
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