fiancee' wants me to choose my residency based on her family

[RockfordWF]

EDIT: Issue Resolved. She agreed to move with me wherever I need, and the best fit turned out to be not too far away. It seems that with patience everyone has won.

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[xanthines]

Ooooh.... that's quite a pickle. I think we'll need more info, though.

Did she have to move to be with you for med school or college? ie, Is it your turn to make a sacrifice in the relationship?

Shorter training is nice, but in the long run it probably won't matter (as long as we're only talking about 1-2 year difference). What kind of opportunities are you talking about? Is going to the nearby place going to completely derail your career plans?

What kind of relationship do you have with her parents? You say they support you, but is that in theory or are they willing to go to bat for you and talk to your fiancee? If you do this, try to not make it too confrontational.

What do you think would happen if you put your foot down?

Is a long distance relationship something you two can handle for a few years?

Inquiring minds want to know...

-X

My fiancee' has a young niece and nephew that she doesn't want to be away from as they are coming of age.

I want to go to a hospital that provides me more opportunities and shorter training than the one nearby.

Her parents support my thought to move away just for a few years, but she adamantly refuses.

I love her very much.

What should I do?

 

[RockfordWF]

Ooooh.... that's quite a pickle. I think we'll need more info, though.

Did she have to move to be with you for med school or college? ie, Is it your turn to make a sacrifice in the relationship?

Shorter training is nice, but in the long run it probably won't matter (as long as we're only talking about 1-2 year difference). What kind of opportunities are you talking about? Is going to the nearby place going to completely derail your career plans?

What kind of relationship do you have with her parents? You say they support you, but is that in theory or are they willing to go to bat for you and talk to your fiancee? If you do this, try to not make it too confrontational.

What do you think would happen if you put your foot down?

Is a long distance relationship something you two can handle for a few years?

Inquiring minds want to know...

-X

-No she hasn't lived outside of the current metropolitan area she currently lives in, ever.

-I would work in a smaller ER that isn't a trauma center and has basically no research, but the training is a year longer.

-Yes, the parents would be willing to talk to her, and they have, to little avail.

-If I put my foot down, all hell will break loose.

-We will be getting married next summer----not the time to begin a long distance relationship.

 

[viostorm]

If you don't make it happen now it never will. You will be there forever.

Marriage is a difficult thing merging two lives. She needs to understand that being married to a physician she may have to sacrifice but will eventually reap the rewards.

I'd put my foot down if I were you.

Niece and nephew is perhaps the weakest excuse I have ever heard.

 

[Neuronix]

I agree with viostorm. You aren't married yet and she's giving you nonsense about how she has to be there with her cousins? I think she's being ridiculous and you need to put your foot down now if you ever plan on leaving that city for more than two weeks.

Is there some other reason she can't leave? You said a long distance relationship... But why? And what happens if you don't happen to match at the nearby hospital? I mean you can rank things however you want, that's no guarantee you will get them. She needs to respect that now. Doctors often don't have a whole lot of control over where they end up. It's a sad part of our lifestyle.

 

[xanthines]

I'm going to have to agree the previous two posters (especially Neuronix, who consistently gives good advice). She's being unreasonable and demanding for reasons I can't quite grasp. When you say "all hell will break loose", does that mean a breakup? A delay in the marriage date? A yelling match? Neuronix is right, your worst-case scenario is being single and in a residency in neither you 1st choice or your "other" 1st choice. You don't want that (obviously).

-X

-No she hasn't lived outside of the current metropolitan area she currently lives in, ever.

-I would work in a smaller ER that isn't a trauma center and has basically no research, but the training is a year longer.

-Yes, the parents would be willing to talk to her, and they have, to little avail.

-If I put my foot down, all hell will break loose.

-We will be getting married next summer----not the time to begin a long distance relationship.

 

[LADoc00]

neice and nephew??

WTH...a terminally dying or infirm parent or sibling is one thing.

Honestly, maybe she is trying to find a way to break it off (the engagement that is) and this is a convenient excuse.

Bolt.

 

[LADoc00]

-No she hasn't lived outside of the current metropolitan area she currently lives in, ever.

-I would work in a smaller ER that isn't a trauma center and has basically no research, but the training is a year longer.

-Yes, the parents would be willing to talk to her, and they have, to little avail.

-If I put my foot down, all hell will break loose.

-We will be getting married next summer----not the time to begin a long distance relationship.

How about this, IF you get married ALL HELL SHALL BREAK LOOSE.

She is offering you a red flag, I suggest you take it.

 

[RockfordWF]

I spoke with her about it, and the rationale she gave was this:

My intern year will be extremely busy, and I will not be able to spend much time at home. She will be moving somewhere where she has zero friends and zero family.

She relies and visiting her parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, as well as all of her friends when I'm not around.

She claims that her prior diagnosis of depression will be exacerbated when taken away from everyone she knows and left alone for most days of the week. For the record, she was on the max dose of Effexor when I met her, and I had her cut down to half the dose at this point----with the intent to completely wean her off the medication. She was having side effects to the medication with the high dose.

 

[Neuronix]

How about this, IF you get married ALL HELL SHALL BREAK LOOSE.

She is offering you a red flag, I suggest you take it.

After the most recent post: QFT. OMG QFT.

In fact:

How about this, IF you get married ALL HELL SHALL BREAK LOOSE.

She is offering you a red flag, I suggest you take it.

QFT again.

 

[Hard24Get]

Hmmmm - fellow applicant, I have a similar situation, except it's my husband with his upwardly mobile engineering career not wanting to transfer to one of the many offices in his company. I too don't want to limit my opportunities/be stuck with longer training.

Even when they are unreasonable (yours much more than mine) it is hard when you love them. What about compromise locations - ie, 1 hr or so from niece/nephews?

The biggest thing I would worry about here is whether her old depression is already sneaking back up. Is she becoming more dependent recently, etc? She should have a psychiatrist, make sure the dose of meds she is on now is really working. You would hate for a chemical imbalance to ruin things between you, and I've seen it happen.

Be careful with internet advice to dump your SO, since no one can ever know what's between you or in your hearts.

My fiancee' has a young niece and nephew that she doesn't want to be away from as they are coming of age.

I want to go to a hospital that provides me more opportunities and shorter training than the one nearby.

Her parents support my thought to move away just for a few years, but she adamantly refuses.

I love her very much.

What should I do?

 

[Tired]

What should I do?

You should leave her.

You now know, clearly and without a doubt, that hanging out with her sibling's children is more important to her than the quality of your training as a physician.

You also now know that she values her desires for her personal life more than she values your desires for your future and career.

I know you love her, and I'm sure she loves you, but the situation you describe leaves the impression that she loves herself more than she loves you. That's not a great way to start a life together.


Also, it's not like you can truly choose your residency. Even if you capitulate to her demands, you might well end up matching somewhere far away. What will she do then?

 

[H_Caulfield]

She claims that her prior diagnosis of depression will be exacerbated when taken away from everyone she knows and left alone for most days of the week. For the record, she was on the max dose of Effexor when I met her, and I had her cut down to half the dose at this point----with the intent to completely wean her off the medication. She was having side effects to the medication with the high dose.

Careful, this may be only the first of many lame loads of rubbish she throws at you. Sounds like she wants you to have misdirected priorities. You'll know REAL depression if you throw away what your career should be for her little cousins or whatever you said they were.

 

[plastikosmd]

there is a 50/50 chance your relationship will be long lasting, maybe less as you are in the medical field. will you be happy when you split in 2 years and you are stuck in that town at that training program? she just sounds scared and looking for an excuse to stay with what is comfortable. residency is a short period of one's career/life, you can always move back to be closer to the cousins.

 

[tinkerchick]

you can tell a bunch of pre-drs answered your question!!! I know you have dreams of being a Dr... and no noone shall make you stop them yet are you really sacraficing a lot, can she or you move 1/2 the distance or maybe make it you'll come home every weekend.. Yes there are sacrafices to be made yet if you truley love her and she truley loves you then you must meet someone in the middle...! Try to envolve her in your schooling, let her know you need her and let her figure out the differences in residencies and importance between them.. I know I have researched my husbands places of possible residencies and yes I want to stay close to home for numerious reasons yet I wouldnt want him to loose going somewhere he could learn better..yet is there a place close that you could choose that is just as good? "We" on the other side of the DO in school are scared of change, scared to be alone...and since you will be gone all the time with school....where does that leave her....alone..Decide on whats most important to you, if you really see yourself with her than you and her can find an agreement with time..good luck

 

[mtDNA]

-No she hasn't lived outside of the current metropolitan area she currently lives in, ever.

-I would work in a smaller ER that isn't a trauma center and has basically no research, but the training is a year longer.

-Yes, the parents would be willing to talk to her, and they have, to little avail.

-If I put my foot down, all hell will break loose.

-We will be getting married next summer----not the time to begin a long distance relationship.

You DEFINITELY need to put your foot down on this one. She is being unreasonable. Honestly, all hell probably will break lose when you do this, BUT, I think you will be surprised what happens in the long term. Women don't want a man who does not stand up for himself. She will actually be happier with you in the long run if you stand up for yourself, because she will respect you more and see you for what you are: a high status male. Right now, I don't think she sees you that way, because a high status male would not let her walk all over him and bend to her will. I am not saying be a jerk or sexist, but you have to stand up for yourself! You obviously respect her and she needs to return the favor. Besides, If she really loves you, she will go with you and you guys will work it out just fine. Actually, I think that if you dont put your foot down now, she will continue to make unreasonable demands, until you absolutely can not accept them. Also, the longer you continue to comply with her demands, the more resentful you will grow of her, it is inevitable.

 

[tinkerchick]

OH my, you arogant a$$.. you can tell your of the male species! Woman dont need a man to stand up to them exspecially a woman who is already afraid of the male leaving...where did you learn your femine side..surley you dont have a sister and you were brought up in a male dominant home! This is a sacrafice between the two of you...not the world... you must be willing to compromise not destroy..live and learn you arogant idiots.....

 

[Neuronix]

.. you must be willing to compromise not destroy..live and learn you arogant idiots.....

There are some things worth compromising for. Woman has her own career, compromise. You have kids together and they have needs, compromise.

Needs to stay in her own area for cousins? Weakest excuse ever.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

Yes, she's being unreasonable. But, as some posters have alluded to, perhaps her actual reasons are different than her stated one (staying close to her cousins). If she's lived in the same place her whole life, perhaps she's scared? Granted, none of us know her, so we're all speculating. But, maybe the solution is to figure out what she's actually afraid of, whether it's not having friends, not having enough to do during the day, etc and figure out solutions in this new locale. Maybe together you could explore things for her to do, especially things unique to this location to give her something to be excited about.

 

[mtDNA]

OH my, you arogant a$$.. you can tell your of the male species! Woman dont need a man to stand up to them exspecially a woman who is already afraid of the male leaving...where did you learn your femine side..surley you dont have a sister and you were brought up in a male dominant home! This is a sacrafice between the two of you...not the world... you must be willing to compromise not destroy..live and learn you arogant idiots.....

I challenge you to pull out even one sentence where I am being sexist/arrogant.
Look, all I am saying is that the OP should not even be entertaining his fiancee's incredibly unreasonable demand, which would alter his future career, based on whether or not she can spend time with her cousins. The OP is afraid of "all hell breaking lose when he talks to her". To me, it is obvious that she wears the pants in that relationship, and I guarantee you that that is a recipe for disaster.

BTW, I have two younger sisters and am loved and admired by both .

 

[mtDNA]

Yes, she's being unreasonable. But, as some posters have alluded to, perhaps her actual reasons are different than her stated one (staying close to her cousins). If she's lived in the same place her whole life, perhaps she's scared? Granted, none of us know her, so we're all speculating. But, maybe the solution is to figure out what she's actually afraid of, whether it's not having friends, not having enough to do during the day, etc and figure out solutions in this new locale. Maybe together you could explore things for her to do, especially things unique to this location to give her something to be excited about.

agreed

 

[m1234d]

OH my, you arogant a$$.. you can tell your of the male species! Woman dont need a man to stand up to them exspecially a woman who is already afraid of the male leaving...where did you learn your femine side..surley you dont have a sister and you were brought up in a male dominant home! This is a sacrafice between the two of you...not the world... you must be willing to compromise not destroy..live and learn you arogant idiots.....

doesn't spell check light up on your computer?? are your posts honest posts, or are you kidding?

AS A FEMALE, WITH AN ADORABLE NIECE I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING, her request is absolutely asinine. Clearly you have expressed your goals and intentions. Perhaps she is masking other concerns she states, which have some validity, such as not knowing anyone and being alone. I think there have been a couple good comments here: 1. if she's never left, it may be a fear of leaving, and 2. if you can be within a reasonable weekend drive, would that be compromise enough?

Really though, this is going to end up being a recurring theme. What about when (assumptions here) you have kids, and you aren't home enough to take care of them? (my kids are getting a nanny)

You should be able to truly resolve issues without fear of "all hell breaking loose." That is a red flag.

 

[Wednesday]

I agree with the posters who said that this is a red flag and that she is probably scared to leave (as she told you). I would not condone "putting your foot down" as this is something you do with children, NOT your future spouse. Marriage is a tricky thing, when you become attached to another person, your previously single life changes more than you might have ever thought about before. You used to be able to do things that were best for you without thought for anyone else. Now another person's life is affected by decisions and they are best made together with everyone's interests in mind. Usually best to come to a compromise, especially for large decisions like this one. Remember that most people end up staying and practicing in the town where they do their residency. I mean, it's not impossible to leave but that is where you have contacts and it's just easier. You might own a house and you'll definitely have friends there. This is a very large decision, not just because that is where your future together will be but also because this appears to be the first major decision of your marriage and it will set the foundation for decisions in the future. With all of this in mind, BOTH parties should be willing to compromise or you guys are going to end up resenting each other in the long run. Good luck. I would suggest you two lock yourselves in a room for a day or two and work this out.

 

[babietuan323]

There are some things worth compromising for. Woman has her own career, compromise. You have kids together and they have needs, compromise.

Needs to stay in her own area for cousins? Weakest excuse ever.

doesnt make sense to me, if she loved you she would go wherever it takes for YOU, not for her neices and nephews

 

[Lfribble]

As a female very close to her family, I can somewhat understand what she means by being far away from her family while you are not around etc. And while I certainly don't say ditch her like so many others are so quick to throw in, I do say that when I started med school, my husband and I discussed my options as far as schools go and what that means to both of us.

In a marriage (or a serious relationship headed for marriage) both of you need to understand compromise or it will not last. I think that if the location you want to go to is that much better in time and experience, you need to discuss that with her and she needs to be open to the idea (reality) that most likely staying right by her family her whole life is not going to work. It's also important for her to realize that as a physician you will be busy and not always there and she needs to become more dependant on herself and decrease her dependence on others such as her family. I realize there is more going on in this situation (her depression), but it's part of starting a life with you as a husband she has to comes to terms with and hopefully accept. good luck.

 

[starrfishes]

I spoke with her about it, and the rationale she gave was this:

My intern year will be extremely busy, and I will not be able to spend much time at home. She will be moving somewhere where she has zero friends and zero family.

She relies and visiting her parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, as well as all of her friends when I'm not around.

She claims that her prior diagnosis of depression will be exacerbated when taken away from everyone she knows and left alone for most days of the week. For the record, she was on the max dose of Effexor when I met her, and I had her cut down to half the dose at this point----with the intent to completely wean her off the medication. She was having side effects to the medication with the high dose.

is this a test of what will happen prior to marriage? if things are the way they are now, being unresolved, how will things work out after marriage? i believe depression can get worse in some cases. so best if she has a positive support network; they might be away but let her know you just have to do what you need to do. i hope she sees that she can work pass these small obstacles...simply b/c it might not get any easier after marriage. i.e. more things to juggle with!

also, an important part of growing into a relationship means, thinking as two and not as one individual. when you're in a relationship, i think we're expected to think together, to grow and understand at every stage of the way.

 

[DPMDoOrDie]

Inform her you will be attending your first choice residency, with or without her. Stick to your decision. Be a man. Be a leader. Wear the pants. If she's controlling you like this now, imagine what's gonna happen when your married !

 

[tinkerchick]

If you love her and she loves you than you have to work it out....why do you all say "dump her"......hope you all live a lonely life..obviously this man loves her...so work it out..There are comprimises on both sides...like someone said before work it out in a day or two...do not stop untill you both are in aggreance..I have been fighting with my husband about similar situations and it has been 4 weeks+ and I feel like we have gone no where...we know what eachother wants yet we havent set on solutions...so please talk....

 

[DPMDoOrDie]

We say pick best residency, move on without her, etc. because it's a ridiculous reason. And if a girl is giving you that much trouble before you are even married, the flood gates are going to break loose when she knows she has 50% of your financial value in her back pocket.

Surrendering to women in relationships isn't what MD, DDS, DOs, ODs, DPMs do. That's for non 6-figure suckas.

 

[ironmaiden]

When you give in on this issue and go to the 4 year crap-ola ED program you WILL RESENT HER.

And at some point you will realize that you are a relationship where she is controlling you and you could have had so much more.

Do you realize your spiel about "weaning her meds" you have totally taken on the "rescuer" role. And she is playing this one out too because she is essentially threatening you with another bout of depression if you move to any city but the one that works for her. And you are getting married? Stop acting like two 16 year olds and go get some counseling before you get married-please!

I also recommend you go to the interview at said city with a print out of this lovely SDN exchange and hand it to the Program Director. Or you could just be straight up and say "my GF is nuts and I have none."

 

[litldime]

OP, any updates?...this is interesting...

 

[Neuronix]

we know what eachother wants yet we havent set on solutions...

With med school/residency there often are no solutions, only sacrifices. IMO, it's usually up to the more flexible partner to make those sacrifices. The location and intensity of medical school and the monopoly/indentured servitude system that is residency are things that can't be sacrificed or negotiated. This isn't a matter of 50/50 or being taken advantage of. It should be "This is my husband or wife and I need to give everything I have for that person". With that kind of attitude a lot of things stop mattering, but it all depends on one's priorities...

As everyone is rightfully pointing out, this women isn't even his wife yet and she's already putting her foot down about making a pretty minor sacrifice for him. It can only end in one of two ways--1) guy sacrifices many things to keep her happy 2) it ends. Some of the other posters did point out something though that is worth repeating. Maybe she's just scared about something else and isn't telling you the real reason she doesn't want to move with you? Unfortunately the most likely reason is the fear of loneliness, and there's probably not much you can do to make someone not lonely. Only they can do that for themselves.

 

[MD Helper]

Wow, tough situation. Here's my prospective, which is a bit different since I (a guy) am the trailing spouse and she's the MD...

Any marriage (and we've been married for 8.5 years) is about sacrifice. ANYONE who marries a doctor will have to sacrifice a bit more than the average joe. I was at a Big 4 public accounting firm for the vast majority of med school and residency and guess what, I had to move. Even though it wasn't in MY best interest, it was in the best interest of OUR family.

If your fiancée is unwilling to move away from her family, that is a HUGE warning sign. I would suggest applying to where you WANT to go, and get into premarital consoling ASAP. Hopefully the relationship will make it, but if she refuses to choose you over her family, that isn't going to change later.

 

[RockfordWF]

OP, any updates?...this is interesting...

I spoke with her parents and they agreed with my situation. They and I all talked with her, and agreed to support her if she were to move away. She has now given me the freedom of choosing wherever I want to go and is willing to accept that now.

Thanks.

 

[xanthines]

Rockford for the win/win!

-X

I spoke with her parents and they agreed with my situation. They and I all talked with her, and agreed to support her if she were to move away. She has now given me the freedom of choosing wherever I want to go and is willing to accept that now.

Thanks.

 

[enfuegoEP]

I still feel uneasy for the OP...There's rough sea's ahead for these two. What's going to happen is they're going to move wherever and she's going to get lonely and want to flee back to her family. He's going to be doing an ICU rotation or trauma and is going to be distracted big time by the fact that the women he married is going to leave him....Trouble...I see trouble. If she's unwilling..or very hesitant to give up 3 years..Just 3 years...for her man I'd be worried.

 

[bananaface]

She could always go back and visit, if the phone isn't good enough.

 

[chrisisinnocent]

-No she hasn't lived outside of the current metropolitan area she currently lives in, ever.

-If I put my foot down, all hell will break loose.

Leave, RUN AWAY, NOW. The fact that she is doing this now over her freakin nephews lets you know what to expect later. Anytime you will want something she will just throw a temper tantrum and expect to get her way. I still can't believe she is trying to derail your career over ner nephews...shakes head...

 

[RockfordWF]

Leave, RUN AWAY, NOW. The fact that she is doing this now over her freakin nephews lets you know what to expect later. Anytime you will want something she will just throw a temper tantrum and expect to get her way. I still can't believe she is trying to derail your career over ner nephews...shakes head...

I'm not sure how my career would be "derailed" by doing a local residency over one farther away.

That might be a little extreme. She's already agreed to let me rank the programs as I desire, and will support me accordingly, so it's a moot point now, anyway.

 

[alyssadk]

I'm not sure how my career would be "derailed" by doing a local residency over one farther away.

That might be a little extreme. She's already agreed to let me rank the programs as I desire, and will support me accordingly, so it's a moot point now, anyway.

Based on the info you gave (you didn't mention if you were trying for somewhere where you had lots of friends) remind her that you're going through this together. You're moving and meeting new people together. It's hard but it will be worth it. Plus neices and nephews always enjoy vacations

 

[Falokis]

My fiancee' has a young niece and nephew that she doesn't want to be away from as they are coming of age.

I want to go to a hospital that provides me more opportunities and shorter training than the one nearby.

Her parents support my thought to move away just for a few years, but she adamantly refuses.

I love her very much.

What should I do?

I remember when I was still doing my undergrad and worked at a bar I would beg to work on Valentine's Day. Then, I could honestly say "sorry, I have to work." Don't try to get the hospital position she wants you to get. Then when you don't get it and get the one you want. If you don't have a choice, neither does she. If she is unreasonable, do so in return.

 

[Coastie]

Man up.

Her parents...her nieces/nephews..Who is making the decisions, wearing the pants in this relationship? Buddy, you've gotta take charge..

My fiancee' has a young niece and nephew that she doesn't want to be away from as they are coming of age.

I want to go to a hospital that provides me more opportunities and shorter training than the one nearby.

Her parents support my thought to move away just for a few years, but she adamantly refuses.

I love her very much.

What should I do?

 

[Coastie]

Given you the freedom?

You did this with her parents?



Good luck with that one. Get rid of her ASAP! You'll thank me later!

I spoke with her parents and they agreed with my situation. They and I all talked with her, and agreed to support her if she were to move away. She has now given me the freedom of choosing wherever I want to go and is willing to accept that now.

Thanks.

 

[Playmakur42]

.

 

[Neuronix]

Quoted for Truth

aka, I agree.

 

[H_Caulfield]

OH my, you arogant a$$.. you can tell your of the male species! Woman dont need a man to stand up to them exspecially a woman who is already afraid of the male leaving...

Yeeyaw! That's right, tinkerchick. Run tell dat. Represent and stop frontin', on da real tip. Akst 'em what they think 'bout that REALNESS. Holla!

 

[Dani1]

As a female doctor I find the majority of these posts amusing at best. I would have to surmise that most of the people posting are either not in a (long standing) relationship, or not in a healthy relationship, or not in one at all. (and if you are- you are in denial about it being healthy or you are just being an instigator).
MOST LIKELY, the male doctor to be is not going to ruin his entire life if he ended up choosing a lesser school-He'll still become a doctor and he'll still have the same struggles we all do in school. Of course some schools do present better opportunities and such- and this is where it can get tricky (weighing the pros and cons of course).
The difference is- he will have a woman by his side to support him and love him each and every day he comes home from a rough shift or class. Because this woman loves her family that much does NOT make her a weirdo or a sicko. Get real! I think even he got sick of reading your responses (as I did) and annoyed and just posted whatever he did recently so you would stop your childish rants. But I digress....
Relationships= challenges. It's a fact of life. You don't run away every time something comes up. It sounds like the SO in this case was really hoping and praying the the doctor to be would get accepted and want to attend a closer school. Maybe she was thrown off by the acceptances he received to further away schools. Maybe he had implied he would try his best to attend the closer school. Maybe that was the understanding prior to the engagement. Also- nieces and nephews are so precious and to take her away from them is horrible. I absolutely LOVE my job, and I live near to my family. My siblings and their children are wonderful and I could not imagine living away from them if I did not have to.
It sounds like once the pre student sat down and explained the reasons a little better- or maybe caught her in a more understanding mood- she was willing to accept it and listen. Change is not easy for everyone. In fact, its hard for MOST people. It has nothing to do with who wears the pants, it has to do with just being human. We all have to sacrifice now and then- so each couple has to take all the factors into consideration.
Good luck to all of you out there with SOs in this type of situation. And maybe have ones who are scared of change and yet willing to go on this wonderfully exciting journey with you. Your lives will be richer for it. I have to say that in my class- the ones who DID HAVE SOs to come home to, seemed to be the happiest. I can't speak for everyone- but I know in my case it was true!

 

[JenDoc2007]

I have to say that in my class- the ones who DID HAVE SOs to come home to, seemed to be the happiest. I can't speak for everyone- but I know in my case it was true!

Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself. My boyfriend is amazingly supportive. There's no way I would be handling the stress of residency like I am without his love and support.

Relationships aren't about the men "dictating rules" to the women like they are robots. Relationships (healthy ones) involve compromise, love, and give & take. Running away when things get a little tough is the coward's way out. I'm so glad my SO isn't like that, and neither am I.

 

[Coastie]

We'll see if match day is so kind towards your wishes. I'd still get rid of her.

EDIT: Issue Resolved. She agreed to move with me wherever I need, and the best fit turned out to be not too far away. It seems that with patience everyone has won.

 

[Coastie]

Dani, you sure you're a doctor? This guy needs to choose whats best for him. Regardless of sacrifice, this SO of his sounded like an inflexible taker, and believe me, he can do without that down the line. Just because you're with someone, doesn't mean they are right for you..

As a female doctor I find the majority of these posts amusing at best. I would have to surmise that most of the people posting are either not in a (long standing) relationship, or not in a healthy relationship, or not in one at all. (and if you are- you are in denial about it being healthy or you are just being an instigator).
MOST LIKELY, the male doctor to be is not going to ruin his entire life if he ended up choosing a lesser school-He'll still become a doctor and he'll still have the same struggles we all do in school. Of course some schools do present better opportunities and such- and this is where it can get tricky (weighing the pros and cons of course).
The difference is- he will have a woman by his side to support him and love him each and every day he comes home from a rough shift or class. Because this woman loves her family that much does NOT make her a weirdo or a sicko. Get real! I think even he got sick of reading your responses (as I did) and annoyed and just posted whatever he did recently so you would stop your childish rants. But I digress....
Relationships= challenges. It's a fact of life. You don't run away every time something comes up. It sounds like the SO in this case was really hoping and praying the the doctor to be would get accepted and want to attend a closer school. Maybe she was thrown off by the acceptances he received to further away schools. Maybe he had implied he would try his best to attend the closer school. Maybe that was the understanding prior to the engagement. Also- nieces and nephews are so precious and to take her away from them is horrible. I absolutely LOVE my job, and I live near to my family. My siblings and their children are wonderful and I could not imagine living away from them if I did not have to.
It sounds like once the pre student sat down and explained the reasons a little better- or maybe caught her in a more understanding mood- she was willing to accept it and listen. Change is not easy for everyone. In fact, its hard for MOST people. It has nothing to do with who wears the pants, it has to do with just being human. We all have to sacrifice now and then- so each couple has to take all the factors into consideration.
Good luck to all of you out there with SOs in this type of situation. And maybe have ones who are scared of change and yet willing to go on this wonderfully exciting journey with you. Your lives will be richer for it. I have to say that in my class- the ones who DID HAVE SOs to come home to, seemed to be the happiest. I can't speak for everyone- but I know in my case it was true!