Having Children while in Grad School...

[Sassafrass]

I looked at a few threads from last year on this topic, but most are referring to having children or being visably pregnant while in the interview/acceptance process.

I'm coming around the corner to 30 years old (gulp) and my fiance has legitimate questions on family life while I (hopefully) get my PhD.

We've actually worked through the early apprehension on just maintaining a healthy relationship during the stressful period, but now he poses another question that I never put too much thought into until very recently (and no, its not my biological clock ticking! haha).

We've always had the agreement that "kids would wait" until after I had fully completed my PhD. When I discussed this topic with several friends at a dinner party, I was shocked by most of the responses since everyone in attendance were currently in a grad program or had recently graduated. The debate was drastically biased to NOT necessarily waiting and doing what is best for yourself and your future family. I even had one mom tell me that she SPECIFICALLY waited until the final years of her PhD to have her child because it afforded her the ability to stay at home with her baby AND do research.

So my question really is, how do schools handle a student becoming pregnant (not necessarily the spouse)? Obviously they are not going to banish you to a remote island, but do they "work with you"? Allow a semester off? etc...

I don't plan to get accepted (the first step to reaching my life goals) and then try to have enough kids to fill a baseball team, but things DO happen... be it an "accident" or a well thought-out change of plans!

Any insight would be great... TIA!

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[clearcolor]

While I have no intention of having children in grad school (largely because I'm young), I was also initially surprised to learn about women who wanted to have children during the PhD instead of after. They said that it would actually be more manageable to balance a child and dissertation than a child and certain jobs. The jobs have limited flexibility compared to your dissertation time. Also, some people are okay with extending their time to completion a bit if it means being able to have a baby. It made sense to me. Seems there is never a really a "good time" to have a child so maybe just do it whenever it works best for you? However, I would imagine it would be extra difficult to do during classes vs. during dissertation.

 

[psychmama]

While I have no intention of having children in grad school (largely because I'm young), I was also initially surprised to learn about women who wanted to have children during the PhD instead of after. They said that it would actually be more manageable to balance a child and dissertation than a child and certain jobs. The jobs have limited flexibility compared to your dissertation time. Also, some people are okay with extending their time to completion a bit if it means being able to have a baby. It made sense to me. Seems there is never a really a "good time" to have a child so maybe just do it whenever it works best for you? However, I would imagine it would be extra difficult to do during classes vs. during dissertation.

I agree with clearcolor. Lots of women in my program have had children while completing their degree. In some cases they've had to extend their time a bit, but it seems to work out for them. As a mother of threee, I agree that there's never a perfect time to have a baby!

 

[Eruca]

Seems like it may also depend on the culture of your grad program. Only 1 person in my program (clinical phd) has had a child in the past 5 years, and he's male. But then I met an intern who was in a program at a nearby school (clinical psyd) where it was much more common for students to have children during grad school. I've heard there are labs/advisors that are very supportive of this, but then others who seem much less so.

I've decided to wait, as I just couldn't see how juggling my clinical appointments, dissertation and TA was going to work - not just logistically but emotionally too. Another thing to consider is the expenses that go along with having a child. If your partner makes enough money to support the decision (including health insurance), then I can see it being a bit easier.

Having that said, I'll bet you could make anything work if you needed/wanted too! Maybe that's something you can try to gauge when you explore which offer you accept..

 

[psybee]

While I have no intention of having children in grad school (largely because I'm young), I was also initially surprised to learn about women who wanted to have children during the PhD instead of after. They said that it would actually be more manageable to balance a child and dissertation than a child and certain jobs. The jobs have limited flexibility compared to your dissertation time. Also, some people are okay with extending their time to completion a bit if it means being able to have a baby. It made sense to me. Seems there is never a really a "good time" to have a child so maybe just do it whenever it works best for you? However, I would imagine it would be extra difficult to do during classes vs. during dissertation.

I'm in my early 30's, 1st year of my doctoral program, and I too am thinking about having a "dissertation baby". i feel like that would give me the most flexibility, and in recent years folks at my school have been getting out in 5 years, so even adding a year if i had to wouldn't be too bad. we'll see!

 

[wkupmaggie]

Geez, I am so glad this thread got started. I am in my later 20's and my husband and I don't want kids this very second, but we definitely will in a few years. So if I get accepted anywhere we would most likely be looking at having kids while I'm in school. I have heard that programs/advisors vary greatly regarding this issue. In my undergrad program, it was common for grad students to have babys. However I have heard of other programs where it was not common and almost discouraged. I think one of the best ways to gauge the "baby-climate" is to ask current grad students about how many students have kids or babys in their program. Granted this might be an awkward question to ask right off the bat, but you could perhaps easily work it into a conversation.

 

[Annakei]

This is my concern as well. I am 28, married for 3 years and now thinking about when we will have children. I am finished with my Masters program (dec 08) and now looking towards the psyd program and thinking that I will have to delay children a bit while I complete the program. At this point Im looking at getting pregnant in my third year, have baby right after classes are finished and potentially delay my final internship until January of my last year.

bleh..

 

[deleted106747]

I think that once the coursework is out of the way, a "dissertation baby" wouldn't be awful. But I'm waiting until I'm done more for the internship factor than the schoolwork factor. I can do a year of a long distance relationship, but I couldn't do that if a kid were involved.

 

[Eruca]

I think that once the coursework is out of the way, a "dissertation baby" wouldn't be awful. ...

Not sure how it is for others, but my coursework as been done for some time, but my workload is the same if not more. This might be program specific, but I'm not just at home writing my dissertation. I'm also teaching classes, seeing clients, running groups, working in the clinic...

This isn't at all to say having a child during this time is impossible, but I sort of want to put out there that unless you're in a non-clinical grad field, you are probably doing a lot more than just your dissertation in your final couple years of grad school. (If you're not, then I'm not sure how one gets the hours/experience necessary for an internship placement)

 

[PsyDApplicant08]

It's a totally valid thing to think about. I'm applying to Psy.D. programs for the fall, and as my husband approaches 30, he's getting baby fever bad. I won't even consider it in the near future because of all the craziness that will be during the first couple of years, but it still makes me sad because I love children, but I don't have the time. However, I'm fairly young, so even if I had to wait five years, it's not the end of the world.

 

[Annakei]

It's a totally valid thing to think about. I'm applying to Psy.D. programs for the fall, and as my husband approaches 30, he's getting baby fever bad. I won't even consider it in the near future because of all the craziness that will be during the first couple of years, but it still makes me sad because I love children, but I don't have the time. However, I'm fairly young, so even if I had to wait five years, it's not the end of the world.

Thanks for saying this, at 28 I keep thinking my eggs are about to dry up and I will lose out on the chance. Friends and family keep telling me Im stressing for nothing but you know with societal and familial pressure to pop kids out on their schedule. Far be it from me to have a 5 year plan.

At this point it might be best to get pregnant in the final year of course work, have the baby over the summer after classes and take it from there...

 

[deleted106747]

Not sure how it is for others, but my coursework as been done for some time, but my workload is the same if not more. This might be program specific, but I'm not just at home writing my dissertation. I'm also teaching classes, seeing clients, running groups, working in the clinic...

This isn't at all to say having a child during this time is impossible, but I sort of want to put out there that unless you're in a non-clinical grad field, you are probably doing a lot more than just your dissertation in your final couple years of grad school. (If you're not, then I'm not sure how one gets the hours/experience necessary for an internship placement)

True... I will be doing all of those things. I think I like to imagine hours of blissful free time once the classes are done, but the reality is far from my imagination...

 

[CheetahGirl]

So my question really is, how do schools handle a student becoming pregnant (not necessarily the spouse)? Obviously they are not going to banish you to a remote island, but do they "work with you"? Allow a semester off? etc...

I'm in my 30s with three kids (kindergartener, toddler and an infant) in my 2nd year of a clinical psych PhD program. It is difficult. One child seems like a piece of cake to me, now that I have three. I suspect most programs will not allow you to take a semester off because how the coursework is structured, but will allow you to take the year off if needed. Your best bet is to ask current students (informally) when you're interviewing. I would think most programs will work with you, but you will have to work extra hard to keep up with your colleagues.

Timing is everything. If at all possible, try to have your baby in May, so you have the summer to bond. Then, get in the mindset of being a working mom and structure your daily activities to have childcare during the day and/or share the responsibilities with your partner, spouse, etc. During my regular weeks, I have clinical work, coursework, research, and beloved homework. The homework & research tips me over the edge and causes me to work about 60 hours a week on just PhD stuff - not to mention housework and all the other stuff that goes along with being a parent. We have a lot of help (nanny, family members). I have my kids in bed by 7:30pm and study from 8-12am every night or get up to study at 4am until the kids wake at 7am. However, it is a way of life for me and my husband. For me, the benefits outweigh the costs. I wouldn't change a thing because all factors have led me to where I am now.

It's possible and thank goodness for an end in sight...just keep your eyes on "the prize" whatever that may be for you. Good Luck!

 

[PsyDr]

i think there are many more problems than simply dissertation vs. classes. i would imagine how hard the the internship you match to, the post doc, your expectations of how much you can stay around your child, how many hours you are willing to put in, etc all are factors one might wish to consider.

one of my colleagues is a new mom and makes about 25% of what everyone else makes due to baby stuff. then again, she seems alright with the arrangement.

 

[psychmama]

One thing to maybe think about is internship. I woman in my program with a 3 yr old is currently doing a 1/2 time internship spread over 2 yrs. It is APA accredited, but I think there are very few of these. I once did a search of the APPIC website and found like 6 in the whole country that were part-time and also accredited!

Just one more thing to bear in mind in terms of planning.

 

[wetcement]

You can always have your eggs frozen. Ha, ha. I'm not sure if you have your Masters already, but on option might be to fit a child in between the Masters and before the PhD, if you select a program structured like that.