Help with staying a good person

[medimedimedi]

I'm at an urban hospital setting for 3rd year rotations and the toxicity is killing me. I've lost 90% of my empathy and it's been replaced by bitterness against doctors, nurses, the administration and even a classmate who tried to gun me down today. It really hurt me to have classmates, who usually are able to commiserate and share in our $hitty experiences, act so cruelly to me. This is where it starts huh?

I want to get my empathy and optimism back. Now, I can't even appreciate nice people and gestures of kindness as much anymore because the negativity seeps through everything. Today a patient was being a little difficult, and where I would have been understanding a year ago, I wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away.

Does anybody have any advice for how to keep a good attitude? I'm so jealous of my friends who have real jobs and are around normal people who can't get away from being completely horrible human beings every single day at the workplace. Am I alone on this?

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[guitarguy23]

No. You aren't alone, okay? I was there a month ago on general surgery getting berated, belittled and bashed for just existing. It's hard man, everyone has those times.

An attending (who was #1 in his class in medical school mind you) told me this the other day and I believe it:

He said every year from 3rd year as a student until becoming an ATTENDING/practicing physician you will have crappy months on service and doubts about your aptitude as a student/physician. As a student, you will doubt your role. As an intern, you will doubt your knowledge and your role. As an upper level and chief resident, you will doubt your leadership, decision making, knowledge, and role. And even when you reach the supposed "promised land" you will sit in front of someone younger than you in training and doubt if you are really up to speed on the newest guidelines for DVT prophylaxis.

I'll give the advice he gave me: There are hard months, and there are easy months from every year here on out, and you will be amazed at how far you come in helping your patients and helping others learn below you as you move along.

Good luck! Don't forget the opportunity you have been given and seek counseling/help if you feel you really need it. Medicine is a hard sport.

 

[medimedimedi]

Thanks dude. I really appreciate your response. I honestly want to get counseling and even sought it out, but then I realized that my hours on rotations way overlap the hours my school's counseling clinic is open, so that's not available to me.

 

[bluv1212]

Hang in there bud. Most of us see it. I can empathize with you - it is really hard to keep a poker face when you have to deal with nonsense every day. I think what keeps me calm is that I know that professionalism is a big deal, and regrettably, we have been trained to show empathy artificially, which i guess helps. I think looking for help is good, and if you can't make it to someone, try to find consolation in your peers. I have room mates and we bitch to each other often, often over drinks...after studying. Not every rotation will be like that. Relish the days when you see sunlight, and your attendings are Homied down to the socks. On the bright side, your anguish may help you to realize that whatever service you're on may not be a good fit. I felt that way sometimes on inpatient medicine, so I'm sayin' F' all that rounding.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

To some degree you're experiencing what every 3rd year student goes through. Just about everyone I know finished med school a very different person than they were at the beginning. Those who didn't - well, pretty much they for one reason or another (extreme arrogance/privilege, possible asperger's) lacked the emotional capacity to change and didn't seem to appreciate the emotional depth of what they were experiencing.

How to stay a good person? For me - focusing on the human connections. It sounds trite but I've had some amazing experiences with my patients. I'm not ashamed to admit I've cried with them (after helping a mother make the decision to withdraw care on her son who was exactly my age). I've had families stop me in the hall months later to thank me for a moment that I barely remembered but was significant enough for them to remember and cherish. I have a cancer survivor who works in the cafeteria that I took care of intern year - he is 5 years out now and doing great and always says hi when he sees me.

I also value my connections with my peers. In medical school there were a couple of close friends that I could share anything with. On those bad days in M3 year they were a good source to vent to, usually over a beers.

It's the people that got you into this field (hopefully). It's the people that will get you through it.

Also - seasonal affective disorder is real. February seems to be when the interns and med students most need a pick-me-up. Lack of sun, cold, long hours and sleep deprivation are not a good combination.

 

[Psai]

To some degree you're experiencing what every 3rd year student goes through. Just about everyone I know finished med school a very different person than they were at the beginning. Those who didn't - well, pretty much they for one reason or another (extreme arrogance/privilege, possible aspirer's) lacked the emotional capacity to change and didn't seem to appreciate the emotional depth of what they were experiencing.

How to stay a good person? For me - focusing on the human connections. It sounds trite but I've had some amazing experiences with my patients. I'm not ashamed to admit I've cried with them (after helping a mother make the decision to withdraw care on her son who was exactly my age). I've had families stop me in the hall months later to thank me for a moment that I barely remembered but was significant enough for them to remember and cherish. I have a cancer survivor who works in the cafeteria that I took care of intern year - he is 5 years out now and doing great and always says hi when he sees me.

I also value my connections with my peers. In medical school there were a couple of close friends that I could share anything with. On those bad days in M3 year they were a good source to vent to, usually over a beers.

It's the people that got you into this field (hopefully). It's the people that will get you through it.

Also - seasonal affective disorder is real. February seems to be when the interns and med students most need a pick-me-up. Lack of sun, cold, long hours and sleep deprivation are not a good combination.

Man I thought seasonal affective disorder was bs until it happened to me

 

[Mad Jack]

Let yourself die on the inside. It's better in the end.

 

[giantswing]

I'm about as jaded and cynical as they come. People suck.
Patients are lazy, lack self motivation, and are all crazy emotional time sucks.
Attendings are aholes.
Residents are too tired to gaf.
Med students are gunners who deserve to get hit by a bus.

At the end of the day, medicine is still the best job ever. Think I'm nuts? Try something else.

 

[boltzmann77]

Money advice from guitarguy23 and SouthernSurgeon! I agree with the points they make, especially with that of SouthernSurgeon - focus on patients. Go back and read your personal statement for medical school. It will be cheesy, but it may remind you of why you wanted to become a doctor in the first place.
It hurts when people you view as "comrades" if you will gun you down. Some may be doing it unknowingly. Others may not care. However, for the most part I believe that everyone is trying to make it through as best they can.
The simple fact that you have picked up on you becoming more negative may be seen as a good sign. I believe that self evaluation and seeking improvement is essential to become a professional! Keep us posted on how things turn out and what you find out helps so that future SDNers could potentially benefit from this.
And yes, SAD and low VitD levels are a real thing!

 

[Mad Jack]

My only issue is that I'm not actually sure it is a "disorder"

It's a natural response to suck.

I think it's only a disorder in the people that it hits extremely hard. Like, nobody feels all that great in the winter, but if you go from sunshine and rainbows to suicidal ideation every time the days get shorter, you might have a legit disorder.

 

[jakeislove]

We are who (and what) we are, OP.

Concentrate on why you really got into medicine and hope that's enough.

 

[Armadillos]

Maximize sleep and excercise even if it means cutting back on studying or reading