How do you deal with this feeling of being stuck?

[NonTradMed]

As medical students, we have to suffer through delayed gratification as we watch friends buy homes and start families while we dig ourselves deeper in debt.

As non traditionals, that feeling of being left behind is made even worse since many of us have friends who are even further ahead in the game of life.

I know that some nontrads already have mortgages and kids, but for those of us that had a career before med school but not homes/kids, med school becomes an extended purgatory. While our friends march on with their lives, we are stepping back into school, putting our economic and family dreams back on hold.

I truly feel this disconnect on some days when I see my old friends getting married off and buying homes, and I'm still living at my parents' house (to save money) and too busy to date. Of course, this isn't just a problem that med students have. But the educational process makes it particularly onerous to start families, or even to meet people.

I recently got back in touch with a few friends. While it's always joy to reunite with friends, it isn't without pitfalls.

Does anyone feel a tad bit of regret when we see our friends moving so far ahead of us economically and otherwise? Especially during a bad rotation and you're post-call, do you wonder, "Is this worth it?".

Don't get me wrong, I love medicine. I can't imagine doing anything else.

But the personal cost has been higher than I anticipated. I can't even begin to tally the economic losses I've sustained. Does anyone feel that small tinge of regret come up? How do you deal with it?

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[Law2Doc]

As medical students, we have to suffer through delayed gratification as we watch friends buy homes and start families while we dig ourselves deeper in debt.

As non traditionals, that feeling of being left behind is made even worse since many of us have friends who are even further ahead in the game of life.

I know that some nontrads already have mortgages and kids, but for those of us that had a career before med school but not homes/kids, med school becomes an extended purgatory. While our friends march on with their lives, we are stepping back into school, putting our economic and family dreams back on hold.

I truly feel this disconnect on some days when I see my old friends getting married off and buying homes, and I'm still living at my parents' house (to save money) and too busy to date. Of course, this isn't just a problem that med students have. But the educational process makes it particularly onerous to start families, or even to meet people.

I recently got back in touch with a few friends. While it's always joy to reunite with friends, it isn't without pitfalls.

Does anyone feel a tad bit of regret when we see our friends moving so far ahead of us economically and otherwise? Especially during a bad rotation and you're post-call, do you wonder, "Is this worth it?".

Don't get me wrong, I love medicine. I can't imagine doing anything else.

But the personal cost has been higher than I anticipated. I can't even begin to tally the economic losses I've sustained. Does anyone feel that small tinge of regret come up? How do you deal with it?

Home ownership isn't "all that". It comes with a lot of headaches that previously got dealt with by your landlord. As far as spouse/kids, many folks in med school start having these during med school/residency. It makes things harder, but there is no rule saying you must delay these until after you are totally settled in life. But if you don't delay on these, you will, guaranteed, be jealous of all the free/study time your less entangled single classmates have. The grass is always greener. I think the personal cost is what you make it in your mind. If you are doing what you are doing, a little less time for other things is not a big deal. And if you decide to shoehorn everything in at once, and play the balancing game, you probably will survive that too.

 

[QofQuimica]

But the personal cost has been higher than I anticipated. I can't even begin to tally the economic losses I've sustained. Does anyone feel that small tinge of regret come up? How do you deal with it?

You acknowledge and accept the reality that the shortest way out is to keep moving forward. Once you pay for that first semester of medical school, you're pretty much committing to 7+ years of training without a realistic ability to back out in many cases. In particular, the longer you go on, the harder it becomes to act on any "buyer's remorse." That's why people keep posting on SDN that you shouldn't go into medicine unless you really can't see yourself doing something else.

I found the personal cost to be very high also. Your economic situation, your personal life, even your sense of who you are all take a hit. But at the same time, new opportunities come along that would never have arisen in other contexts. In my case, I took on a project while in medical school that I probably would never have had the audacity to do otherwise. It came about because of an opportunity that some of my nontrad friends who are ostensibly living the American dream might have liked to have had themselves....if only they weren't devoting so much time and energy to their responsibilities at home and work. Because of getting an MD and doing things like that project, my life will now take a rather different direction than it would have otherwise. It's like a rebirth from ashes.

I think your ability to see the possibilities open to you with an MD/DO increases as you go on; now in my fourth year, I feel the most optimistic that I have at any point in medical school. Of course, that may be partly because I'm done with all of the most misery-inducing rotations, and also partly because the end is now in sight. But I think it's also because I'm far enough along now that I have some concrete sense of my future in medicine.

 

[Law2Doc]

...now in my fourth year, I feel the most optimistic that I have at any point in medical school. Of course, that may be partly because I'm done with all of the most misery-inducing rotations, and also partly because the end is now in sight. But I think it's also because I'm far enough along now that I have some concrete sense of my future in medicine.

It's a rollercoaster ride. Your optimism of 4th year will be replaced by the shared misery of internship soon enough. Don't get locked into the notion that it's smooth sailing from here on out -- complacency is dangerous and breeds future distress. Always keep yourself braced for wherever the next gust of wind is going to come from. Basically 4th year is the eye of the hurricane. Nice and calm... for now. Enjoy it - you've earned it. But this ride isn't close to over.

 

[QofQuimica]

It's a rollercoaster ride. Your optimism of 4th year will be replaced by the shared misery of internship soon enough. Don't get locked into the notion that it's smooth sailing from here on out -- complacency is dangerous and breeds future distress. Always keep yourself braced for wherever the next gust of wind is going to come from.

You give me too little credit, L2D.

That's not what I meant--I'm talking on a larger philosophical level here. I went from thinking I would not do any residency at all because I couldn't see any point to it; to grudgingly planning to do a residency that was as short as possible, but only because so many people told me that my MD would be useless without it; to wanting to do a residency because now I have a reason to do one. It was a pretty major evolution of viewpoint concerning the use of doing a residency for me.

 

[Law2Doc]

You give me too little credit, L2D.

That's not what I meant--I'm talking on a larger philosophical level here. I went from thinking I would not do any residency at all because I couldn't see any point to it; to grudgingly planning to do a residency that was as short as possible, but only because so many people told me that my MD would be useless without it; to wanting to do a residency because now I have a reason to do one. It was a pretty major evolution of viewpoint concerning the use of doing a residency for me.

Okay - got it. So it's more an optimism of having a focus than being out of the frying pan.

 

[QofQuimica]

Okay - got it. So it's more an optimism of having a focus than being out of the frying pan.

Exactly. To be fair, I suppose I confounded the issue by mentioning being done with my less appealing rotations. The reason I even said that was because I was thinking about something very wise my advisor said to me once: don't make important life decisions while you are on your OB/gyn rotation.

 

[njbmd]

You can catch up pretty fast. One and a half years out of fellowship, I have my lake-front house; my lab up and running and have settled into a nice practice routine that I love. Things even out pretty quickly once you are done with residency and get into practice mode. Yes, it's delayed gratification but well-worth it for me. That first paycheck as an attending was astounding for me and it took more than a few months to realize that I could actually "afford" some nice toys. Time passes faster than you would think at first glance and then you are done.

 

[Random Anesthesiologist]

NonTrad, keep in mind that houses, cars, etc are just stuff. Families are started at all points in med school - I'm sure you've seen the mommd web board!

But I know the feeling. It's not so much jealousy as it is the sinking feeling knowing it's REALLY delayed gratification. But I focus on my vision of the end, knowing I'll get the "stuff" and be a doc - bonus!

Hang in there - you just need a peptalk We all do from time to time.

 

[NTF]

Every career path has it's pluses and minuses. The large upfront investment of time/money/blood/sweat of medicine is one of its opportunity costs. But doing what you love is worth a lot.

But there are benefits. The likelihood that we'll be laid off and obsolete in our 50s is legions smaller than in other fields. I saw that nightmare happen to many of my friends' fathers in the early to mid 90's. Out of work with obsolete skill sets and suddenly competing with 20-somethings with more current knowledge and a willingness to work longer for less. So while you may feel like you're behind during training I don't think you'll feel that way once you're an attending.

 

[TylerJ]

NonTradMed, I find myself at the same crossroad, and I am still a year or two away from what will hopefully be acceptance into dental school. Currently in the military, I am limited on what classes I can take, which further pushes back my ability to apply for dental school as I need to take all the chemistry and physics class requirements and I am surround by universitieses catering to traditional students or nontraditional catered schools that do not have a chemistry/physics courses with a lab.

It is unbearable to watch everyone excel by me and live their lives when mine seems as a standstill. Going out, having a laugh, using spare time amply, I am envious. I sometimes wonder if any of my hardwork will culminate; especially, since I started college when I was 23 am now 26 and barely fitting in 2 classes a semester, times is flying by, but my successes are far and few. Additionally, I have zero life outside of the military and school.

Sigh...

To add, I am envious of where you are, which may not mean a lot; but you seem to have a tremendous amount of momentum going for you and you are already in medical school, somewhere that I am struggling to get to everyday.

 

[SleepingJune]

Perfectly timed thread...I've been having a lot of the same thoughts lately, which all seemed to kind of come to a head today (resulting in a grumpy me!). Even though I know medicine is the only road I see myself on, having to watch friends be happily married, having kids, settling in, etc, while I'm looking at 2 more years of prereqs (32 now) gets a little depressing every now and then.

So...thanks to everyone for the encouraging replies; they were great to read and picked me up a bit. Reminded me that in my head, it's a trade-off for a reason, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

June

 

[didanawisgi]

The likelihood that we'll be laid off and obsolete in our 50s is legions smaller than in other fields. I saw that nightmare happen to many of my friends' fathers in the early to mid 90's. Out of work with obsolete skill sets and suddenly competing with 20-somethings with more current knowledge and a willingness to work longer for less. So while you may feel like you're behind during training I don't think you'll feel that way once you're an attending.

Extremely relevant in today's market as well... except I'm the 20-something switching from job to job to avoid the lay-off notice so many at my company are receiving. An aerospace engineer is really only useful when people are buying planes. A population's health, on the other hand, will always be a top priority.

 

[mic2377]

I have been having alot of the left behind feeling. I was looking through facebook and realized that several of my classmates from undergrad were set to graduate from medical school, and I hadn't even gotten in anywhere yet.

It also has something to do with the grueling work hours and destitution I have been dealing with the past 2 years. Trying to volunteer, while simultaneously go to school part-time and work full-time, just gets old after awhile. Truthfully, I hope I don't get burnt out before I even hit an MD program.

So, you are not alone! I guess we all need to help each keep our chins up. Onward and upward!

 

[EBAMom]

I know its awful to watch your friends buy houses and get settled into their lives when you're struggling just to get on the pathway to your chosen career. I'm a 31 year old pre-med. I'm already married with a small family, so I've already done that. I've had a career previously, but now I'm a full time student, trying to build my application. I think that the most important strategy for dealing with the delayed gratification is not to put too much energy into what other people have and where they are compared to what you have and where you are. Sometimes I catch myself feeling down because this is a tough road and I'm a long way from a paycheck. Then, I just think about all the other adventures I've had and how I've lived a really interesting life. Its worth it to me to not have a house now because I'm really better off without a house payment, house maintenance, etc. right now. My main point is that you should just focus on yourself and your path, rather than feeling like you're stuck because you aren't in the same place in your life as your friends. Believe me, your friends only look settled. Nothing ever looks the same on the outside as it is on the inside.

 

[BruceBanner]

Great timing for this thread, I also have been struggling with this decision.

I think it's important to realize how much greener the grass seems from our side. Having a home/property, marriage and kids (if that's your thing), can be great in some ways, but these are the same things 200 million other Americans have. What really makes it so great? Do you truly desire these things in your life, or are just feeling left behind because this is the direction everyone else seems to be taking?? Think about it.

For me, it's about the money and time to realize said money. Because, like it or not, your freedom in life is mostly about money. How much happier would you really be with 2 kids and a decent house, but a big mortgage and a median-income job?? Most people completely live their lives in debt.

I definitely understand the feeling of seeing your peers pass you by, and the really delayed gratification. Becoming a doctor has a lot of practical disadvantages, and these are only magnified as you get older.

For me, the answer is I CAN see myself doing other things besides being a doctor. Fortunately I have many interests, and Im not 'above' a midlevel career. But it's still a tough decision when you have interviews on the table.

 

[rigel]

I've been luckily too focused on getting my s**t DONE to buy into this, lately.

I've heard it called "FOMO", or Fear Of Missing Out. obviously, it's not productive, and distracting.

I'm 33. This is my third time applying, and since I'm going into a grad program next month htat can be extended to two years, I'm willing to do it even a fourth time before i'll start considering doing another healthcare route. I could sit around and count the stuff i've missed out on, or dont have because I'm a late bloomer, or compare myself to others all day. i've certainly missed out on plenty, and i'll probably be in debt til i'm 50.

these things, ultimately, are unimportant. what is important is how i serve others, and doing the best i can in trying circumstances. being able to help people in their time of greatest need, when they are scared, in pain, and at their lowest point - and not just every now and again, but every day, as a career - is one of the most fantastic blessings one could ever hope for. If you want, you can borrow my rose-colored glasses.

if youve got FOMO, you're losing sight of what's really important.

Bruce Banner raises a really good point. I dont have the reference handy, but there have been some behavioral economics papers that examine the relation of money to happiness. because you need time to spend the money you're making, people with heavy workloads but high pay are often less happy than people who just work their 40 and go home. so people who make enough to pay the bills and not that much more are typically happier than people who make scads of cash.

this is another reason it's so critical that you really enjoy the role you will be playing as a physician.

 

[CogitoA1]

Posting as an outsider to this thread--I'm not even in medical school--I wonder whether your core assumptions are entirely correct.

People are getting married later these days regardless of whether they're back in school or midway through a career. Can you really say whether you would be happily married at this point, buying a house, if you weren't going to medical school? How many of your friends AREN'T getting married at this moment?

Also... your medical school isn't really a step back. It's an investment, albeit a costly one, in an exciting future career that has substantial upside. I wouldn't measure your progress relative to the progress of others in your social circle outside medical school by the size of their bank accounts or their mortgages or their families. In fact, the cost/investment of medical school is very comparable to home ownership, in terms of the capital and financing required. I'd view your decision as requiring considerably more deliberation, determination, maturity, and, frankly, excitement, than that required to purchase a house.

 

[calimed214]

Thank you for posting this NonTrad. I've been feeling a bit depressed & down on myself for the last few months and have had a hard time describing to others exactly why. But you put into words the exact things that have been bugging me lately. That feeling of being "stuck" while my friends are getting married (I've gone to 6 weddings in the last 4 months), having kids, and buying cars/houses. I'm really glad that it's normal to feel this way and that others are dealing with the same issues I am. I can't picture not pursuing medicine though, so guess I'll just have to suck it up for the time being.

 

[trenchwarfare]

Thank you for posting this NonTrad. I've been feeling a bit depressed & down on myself for the last few months and have had a hard time describing to others exactly why. But you put into words the exact things that have been bugging me lately. That feeling of being "stuck" while my friends are getting married (I've gone to 6 weddings in the last 4 months), having kids, and buying cars/houses. I'm really glad that it's normal to feel this way and that others are dealing with the same issues I am. I can't picture not pursuing medicine though, so guess I'll just have to suck it up for the time being.

i suffer from this same feeling, i am 45 and have had a couple of different careers, and am about to start the licensure process for being a licensed clinical social worker. jobs are tight, but it is really the type of work i am best at, and it's what i enjoy the most, so how do i slay this demon, why do i still have the admission packet on my desk, and some dusty books a med-student gave me after he graduated, him knowing my struggles with the decision. a lot of LCSWs do great, and for evening practices, the experienced folks tell me they do great at 100.00 per 50 minute session, and Phd psychs were around 140.00 until the economy tanked, not sure what the rates are. i know i could be a nurse, but will not be satisfied with the scope of practice. middle age is a funny thing. the debate of what am i good at vs. what do i enjoy goes on, as I think about the remaining years, i change my mind all the time...a struggle...ugh