So, my spouse had an affair. The person my spouse had an affair with is now threatening to go to the military since several of their fellow students know that my spouse cheated with this person, as I have been open about it to my friends who happen to be their classmates. They are threatening to petition the military and ruin my spouses career and hpsp scholarship. Is this possible, since spouse and I intend to go to counseling, and have not decided on a divorce yet, for this person to have this kind of blackmail type power? Has anyone ever heard of anyone in this position? Any feedback would help.
HPSP, adultery, and blackmail?
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Presuming your spouse wasn't on AD, there is no cause for military discipline. Even if he or she was, the military justice system generally only prosecutes adultery if it is a secondary charge to add to more substantial misconduct. This may lead to more serious accusations once the other party realizes that this threat is empty.
My advice is to have both of you avoid all contact with this person. Simply do not respond in any way. Keep any Online or written threats.
You might want legal advice.
If you don't have kids, i would ditch the cheater.
My advice is to have both of you avoid all contact with this person. Simply do not respond in any way. Keep any Online or written threats.
You might want legal advice.
If you don't have kids, i would ditch the cheater.
Thank you for your quick reply. We don't have kids thank the lord for that. I did agree to go to counseling but doubt I'll be able to trust spouse fully ever again so the outlook is bleak. At the moment, because the other person was directing a litany of vulgar threats at me threatening the spouse, I hate the person just slightly more than I hate the spouse, and the whole common enemy thing has made me want to take spouses side here, while fully aware that these are the consequences of spouses actions and spouse fully deserves every one of them. I had wanted to file an order against harassment on the person, which would possibly affect their school status as the person is already on probation at the school. Now that they are saying they will contact the military either way, there is less holding me back from this as the person keeps harassing and sending vulgar texts to both of us. We may seek legal counsel. Thank you again for the quick reply. It is appreciated.
While in medical school one is individual ready reserve (IRR) so they are not active duty. The threats are empty. Even if one were active duty an investigation would be undertaken by ones chain of command and it is only undertaken if there are mitigating circumstances. They would go after someone if a supervisor was having an affair with a subordinate especially if of officer and enlisted rank. Your spouse doesn't really have a chain of command at the moment. They basically still a civilian who can dress and act out of regulation. Who would this person go to to report your spouse? If he walked into some random recruiting office to complain, he would be looked at with bemusement and perplexion. I agree with Gastrapathy's advise. You both should tell (in writing, ie email) this person to stop with the harassment and cease all further contact. Keep records of any continuing harassing emails, voicemail etc. Once you have enough you can get a restraining order and go that route if needed.
The gist is that as long as your spouse doesn't flunk medical school, have any disciplinary actions at school or is convicted of violating any local/state/federal laws they will be fine.
The gist is that as long as your spouse doesn't flunk medical school, have any disciplinary actions at school or is convicted of violating any local/state/federal laws they will be fine.
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This person is threatening you? Making demands? And his only "leverage" is some weird empty threat to get your spouse in adultery trouble with her scholarship?
Simple answer. Call the bluff, go to the police. Get a restraining order.
Simple answer. Call the bluff, go to the police. Get a restraining order.
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Some people can't keep themselves out of trouble.
Your cheatin' spouse probably has no reason to be concerned for his scholarship status. He isn't on active duty and the action he is accused of is not a civilian offense, and even for those on active duty, is rarely prosecuted unless some other feature and offense is present (fraternization, alleged favoritism or retribution, or anything serious.)
As for the blackmailer, I'm not sure what they are blackmailing, unless you left part of that story out. Are they wanting money or are they just trying to be a homewrecker/troublemaker? If this is a student, the threats are themselves misconduct and would raise concern in any dean's office if a student in a professional setting was engaging in socially destructive behavior. If they made physical threats (and not just the threat to say your husband is a bad person) then the matter might be one for law enforcement. As concerns her contacting you, send her a certified letter to cease and desist. Get a documented receipt. If she persists, go to a court and get a protective order, which may or may not include your spouse. That is a matter for discussion with a lawyer, as an order including your spouse might have to consider common classes and other school activities both your spouse and the blackmailer may be involved in. It may also get the school involved whether you intend or not and could (theoretically) result in school administrative action against the blackmailerand your spouse for disruptive conduct.
So take it slow.
Your cheatin' spouse probably has no reason to be concerned for his scholarship status. He isn't on active duty and the action he is accused of is not a civilian offense, and even for those on active duty, is rarely prosecuted unless some other feature and offense is present (fraternization, alleged favoritism or retribution, or anything serious.)
As for the blackmailer, I'm not sure what they are blackmailing, unless you left part of that story out. Are they wanting money or are they just trying to be a homewrecker/troublemaker? If this is a student, the threats are themselves misconduct and would raise concern in any dean's office if a student in a professional setting was engaging in socially destructive behavior. If they made physical threats (and not just the threat to say your husband is a bad person) then the matter might be one for law enforcement. As concerns her contacting you, send her a certified letter to cease and desist. Get a documented receipt. If she persists, go to a court and get a protective order, which may or may not include your spouse. That is a matter for discussion with a lawyer, as an order including your spouse might have to consider common classes and other school activities both your spouse and the blackmailer may be involved in. It may also get the school involved whether you intend or not and could (theoretically) result in school administrative action against the blackmailerand your spouse for disruptive conduct.
So take it slow.
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Also...forgot to mention. Do what you can to protect your money...especially if loan money is involved. I have heard way too many stories of women taking down their man's personal finances because of a failing marriage. I would take to your lawyer about a legal strategy.
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If they are making any demands on you (blackmail), then they are potentially committing a very serious crime. As the other posters noted, you're only subject to the UCMJ when you're active duty. If you were active duty, your spouse could be punished for adultery. Hopefully that will dissuade him/her from doing anything that heartless again. You have my sympathies.
I think dropping all contact with the other man/woman is probably the wisest choice. You never know what kind of trouble a person can stir up when sufficiently motivated. If they keep harassing you even after a warning, then perhaps report them. Save the texts, and act professional.
You're probably still young... so also consider divorce. I'm sorry.
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sorry guys, but this doesn't pass the sniff test with me.
to clarify-- your spouse cheated on you with a classmate. then, other classmates became aware of the situation. then, your spouse's paramour went all "fatal attraction" and is now wanting to ruin the career of your spouse? in all the scenarios i've been privy to, this would be the first where the paramour attempts to destroy the person they were sleeping with. what makes even less sense is the reason you give behind it-- that they are going after your spouse because classmates found out?
what is far more common? you, the OP, find out your military spouse is cheating and go after him/her with guns blazing. or, go after the military affiliated paramour with guns blazing. or, if they are both military, both.
i'm not saying your scenario is impossible, but it is one of the oddest jerry springer-esque situations i've been privy to. maybe this person really is bat**** crazy, in which case i would just ignore them unless they make specific threats. freedom of speech means a lot, and slander/libel is only applicable if the person knowingly is lying. if they really believe it to be true (and if it is true) nothing you can do can change who they talk to.
if my spidey sense is correct and you are fishing to see if you can do anything to an HPSP spouse for cheating, the answer is not really. a civilian "petitioning" the military for something works about as well as the military telling a civilian what to do. is there a slim chance it may stick and affect his/her career? maybe. but the burden of proof is probably large and most commands wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. they rarely do anything to blatant violations, let alone something like this.
finally-- protecting assets and everything is good, but if you don't have kids and this is a big trust breaker/deal breaker, a clean split is not a failure. you likely don't have that many assets to split and you have a lot ot life ahead of you. speaking from experience, divorces suck and have many layers of pain and misery but can also be a time for some self reflection and may end up being one of the better decisions you make.
good luck, and i'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope things work our for the better.
--your friendly neighborhood blended family caveman
to clarify-- your spouse cheated on you with a classmate. then, other classmates became aware of the situation. then, your spouse's paramour went all "fatal attraction" and is now wanting to ruin the career of your spouse? in all the scenarios i've been privy to, this would be the first where the paramour attempts to destroy the person they were sleeping with. what makes even less sense is the reason you give behind it-- that they are going after your spouse because classmates found out?
what is far more common? you, the OP, find out your military spouse is cheating and go after him/her with guns blazing. or, go after the military affiliated paramour with guns blazing. or, if they are both military, both.
i'm not saying your scenario is impossible, but it is one of the oddest jerry springer-esque situations i've been privy to. maybe this person really is bat**** crazy, in which case i would just ignore them unless they make specific threats. freedom of speech means a lot, and slander/libel is only applicable if the person knowingly is lying. if they really believe it to be true (and if it is true) nothing you can do can change who they talk to.
if my spidey sense is correct and you are fishing to see if you can do anything to an HPSP spouse for cheating, the answer is not really. a civilian "petitioning" the military for something works about as well as the military telling a civilian what to do. is there a slim chance it may stick and affect his/her career? maybe. but the burden of proof is probably large and most commands wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. they rarely do anything to blatant violations, let alone something like this.
finally-- protecting assets and everything is good, but if you don't have kids and this is a big trust breaker/deal breaker, a clean split is not a failure. you likely don't have that many assets to split and you have a lot ot life ahead of you. speaking from experience, divorces suck and have many layers of pain and misery but can also be a time for some self reflection and may end up being one of the better decisions you make.
good luck, and i'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope things work our for the better.
--your friendly neighborhood blended family caveman
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First of all...we don't know if the OP is a dude or a girl. I am willing to bet that it is a female...the spouse is a guy...and the other person is a female. Here's my theory:
Perhaps this is a love triangle story. Husband decides to cheat on wife (OP) with a female classmate. The female classmate thinks that she is in love. This is partly driven by the husband manipulating both parties. The wife finds out...and then all of the sudden...husband realizes that he can't have it both ways. He decides that he has had enough fun and wants to go back to his wife (OP). Girlfriend on the side gets pissed because she wanted him to leave his wife for her. The husband declines. Now you have a broken ex-girlfriend on the side...trying to destroy the people who hurt her. She starts spreading rumors about the OP and husband. But that's not enough...she tries to destroy the OP's husband's career due to his betrayal.
To be continue...
BTW...if you don't think that this is 100% possible...reconsider.
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i didn't say it was impossible. "fatal attraction" is real. it's just atypical compared to what i've seen and heard of. i've seen many more spiteful/vengeful spouses than spiteful/vengeful paramours.
also possible is spouse cheats, gets caught, and like any modern day human the OP googles "military medicine" and finds this board. changing the scenario around he/she tries to figure out if the military revenge approach may work before he/she wastes her time on it. the vagueness of the scenario is what is confusing-- that and (at least in my experience) med students typically have more important things to focus on. yes, the drama and rumors are exciting, but at the end of the day it's a lot of wasted energy. the paramour will be fine with time and if they can snag a married person they can probably snag a single one, lol.
regardless of who is poking who and whose revenge is being cooked up, the bottom line is chances of this adversely affecting the HPSPers career is below single digits.
--your friendly neighborhood donahue caveman
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I want to know what the blackmail part was, maybe it was just threats to report the affair? Tell them good luck and look into getting a restraining order. It sounds like you have ample proof.
Dump the cheating spouse and start over. The only thing I would consider reconciling for would be children.
Dump the cheating spouse and start over. The only thing I would consider reconciling for would be children.
This is one hundred percent accurate. I tried to keep my gender on the DL. I admit that I have a 'protective' instinct for my stbx husband, despite him having done the worst, and when she threatens him, I get extremely defensive, thus trying to find out if her threats are valid. The blackmail was trying to ruin his scholarship, etc, because of what he did (cut her off.)
Thank you everyone who has responded I appreciate it deeply. Now I'm just trying to figure out if we need a "military" divorce because he's never been on active duty.
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I am sorry you have to be in this situation. I think that a divorce lawyer would be the best person to get this information. I believe that JAG would also be an excellent resource. Good luck
Thanks for the resource I will check it out! And thanks for the sympathy. Its easy to feel alone and more or less unwanted in this scenerio. One of those never thought it would happen to me places.
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You seem like you have your head in the right place. Your willingness to fight for your current marriage tells me that you are a good woman. Lots of great guys out there looking for great women. You'll be fine...when that time comes.
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Any divorce lawyer can handle this. No kids and no money should make it easy.
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this is straightforward and may be easier than you thought. JAG will not be helpful-- not because they don't want to be but because they do not deal with family law due to state to state differences. i speak from personal experience. the split should be easy -- the only contentious part would potentially be dividing of marital assets. no children means no custody or child support, which is where most divorce issues arise.
sorry to hear this happened to you, but you'll come out better off on the other side. you're young and there are plenty of higher quality fish out there.
good luck and take care,
--your friendly neighborhood got the t-shirt caveman
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The OP is a girl.
Once you read the story that way...the story makes much more sense.whoops. Well forget him then. He brought it upon himself!The OP is a girl.
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I have shamed myself for reading this thread all the way through. I will now go and apologize to my wife for poking fun at her choice of daytime television. 
