Husband refuses to let me go to med school

[THEBACKANDFORTH]

I had a 504 and got into KCU. 500 I would say is the bare minimum for DO overall.

5** into KCU--my relatively low MCAT wasn't even discussed in the interview. also received many other interviews, including MD. Not URM. It is very very doable if you perform well in pre-req. Take some classes and see where you fit in. If you get A's, by all means, try for med school. If you get all B's, well then you have a wonderful career as a teacher and no reason to resent your husband. happy holidays

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[AlbinoHawk DO]

With respect, just because someone has a perspective that's different from yours doesn't make it psychopathology. I disagree with a few posters here but don't think they're "psychopathologic". It's a public forum, and the hope is that the OP can reflect on what everyone is saying so that she can make the best choice for her and her family.

OP, med school is a meat grinder. Residency is a meat grinder. If you go, your family comes too. They gotta be 100% willing and ready to take that plunge. You're gonna miss out on a lot of things with the kids. Will there be resentment? Speaking with colleagues with kids, if they're older and the ride is disruptive to the family (divorce, spousal fighting, etc.), the answer is 'highly possible'.

This.

I was a premed once too. I remember not understanding the full ramifications of going into this profession until I was in it. In med school I have seen people turn obese, have skin breakouts worse than teenagers, people needing to go to a psychiatrist for depression, people getting a divorce, I've read stories of residents committing suicide, etc. Yes, there are many/most people that make it out fine, but the journey is hard for everyone. My psychopathology here is thinking that family should come first before income and a job. OP has very viable alternatives for a better life that doesn't involve this kind of sacrifice. This would be very different if OP had a rock solid marriage with a husband that will pick up the slack. Maybe I'm reaching here and probably talking out of turn, but I seriously doubt this husband that's not the breadwinner will step up to the plate for his kids.

 

[Skiiiiiing]

With respect, just because someone has a perspective that's different from yours doesn't make it psychopathology. I disagree with a few posters here but don't think they're "psychopathologic". It's a public forum, and the hope is that the OP can reflect on what everyone is saying so that she can make the best choice for her and her family.

OP, med school is a meat grinder. Residency is a meat grinder. If you go, your family comes too. They gotta be 100% willing and ready to take that plunge. You're gonna miss out on a lot of things with the kids. Will there be resentment? Speaking with colleagues with kids, if they're older and the ride is disruptive to the family (divorce, spousal fighting, etc.), the answer is 'highly possible'.

Albino has a lot of feelings generally, and offering marriage advice on 3 sentences is...not sound thinking.

In med school I have seen people turn obese, have skin breakouts worse than teenagers, people needing to go to a psychiatrist for depression, people getting a divorce, I've read stories of residents committing suicide, etc.

Which you could say of any job outside of part time hourly jobs.

Admittedly it is probably worse among DOs than MDs.

 

[cookiegrub]

Hi cookiegrub, thanks for your reply. My Stepdad (dad) is only 61, in good health, and will not need to take out loans or an extra mortgage for this. He is acting generously and has the interest of my family, particularly my daughters, at heart. My husband isn’t the type of person to be concerned about any stress on my dad, so I know that isn’t part of his hesitation. I did invite my husband this week to come with me to a meeting with an advisor at the local community college (I may not take courses there, but she came recommended). He didn’t want to come. Maybe talking to financial aid would help though. I do want to work on our marriage, and I’ve put in a lot of work on it but we have a ways to go. We do have family in town and will receive help from them when it comes to scheduling and watching the girls when needed. But I still need my husband on board.

based on what you are telling me; he seems to be working a job but it isn't really enough unless it's the both of you. I understand that completely with him worrying but I have to be pessimistic with his behavior. You have a home, your father can pay the mortgage (which is partly why your employment is necessary), and if you don't go out to eat, your lifestyle is completely doable. You may not even need to repay any loans if you go straight to medical school after that. The weirdest thing in this situation is how your husband is clueless about financing. I'm worried that he may be misjudging your situation based on heresay and misconceptions. What you both need is a financial counselor and not a therapist. He is trying to be on board with you but I sense a deficiency in knowledge. If you guys can figure out how much the next two years of your prereqs will take and how you will manage with the liquid asset money, things can become much more clear. The school also factors living expenditures in your loan amount, so technically if you do your education full time, your standard of living won't change substantially. Honestly, the faster you do your education, I would say the better since it's not going to get any better if you prolong the journey; especially with a family. If you yourself are still taking a wing at this, you might want to try out some night prereq classes and see how you stock up on those. Plenty of people make a decision based on their performance but if you really want this, you will find a way.

 

[Gray Fox]

based on what you are telling me; he seems to be working a job but it isn't really enough unless it's the both of you. I understand that completely with him worrying but I have to be pessimistic with his behavior. You have a home, your father can pay the mortgage (which is partly why your employment is necessary), and if you don't go out to eat, your lifestyle is completely doable. You may not even need to repay any loans if you go straight to medical school after that. The weirdest thing in this situation is how your husband is clueless about financing. I'm worried that he may be misjudging your situation based on heresay and misconceptions. What you both need is a financial counselor and not a therapist. He is trying to be on board with you but I sense a deficiency in knowledge. If you guys can figure out how much the next two years of your prereqs will take and how you will manage with the liquid asset money, things can become much more clear. The school also factors living expenditures in your loan amount, so technically if you do your education full time, your standard of living won't change substantially. Honestly, the faster you do your education, I would say the better since it's not going to get any better if you prolong the journey; especially with a family. If you yourself are still taking a wing at this, you might want to try out some night prereq classes and see how you stock up on those. Plenty of people make a decision based on their performance but if you really want this, you will find a way.

Wrong. Totally wrong conclusion.

OP, please give more weight to posts by people in long-term relationships, preferably with children...

My long time SO was 100% supportive of my decision to go med, and the experience was still a meat grinder for us. Multiple residents were telling me their SO were practically single husbands/wives raising their child/children alone. At the very least, keep the therapist. And think long and hard about what you're willing to give up, because medicine asks for a lot.

A lot of posters have good intentions sharing relationship advice on SDN, but sometimes the road to (relationship) hell is paved by good intentions.

 

[AlbinoHawk DO]

Albino has a lot of feelings generally, and offering marriage advice on 3 sentences is...not sound thinking.

Which you could say of any job outside of part time hourly jobs.

Admittedly it is probably worse among DOs than MDs.

Anything could happen in any job, but it's no coincidence that doctors have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession. It's very ignorant not take the stress of this career path seriously.

 

[cookiegrub]

Wrong. Totally wrong conclusion.

OP, please give more weight to posts by people in long-term relationships, preferably with children...

My long time SO was 100% supportive of my decision to go med, and the experience was still a meat grinder for us. Multiple residents were telling me their SO were practically single husbands/wives raising their child/children alone. At the very least, keep the therapist. And think long and hard about what you're willing to give up, because medicine asks for a lot.

A lot of posters have good intentions sharing relationship advice on SDN, but sometimes the road to (relationship) hell is paved by good intentions.

I apologize, I should have been more diplomatic with my answer. What I really meant was that the husband is getting upset with finances when it seems he really doesn't do the accounts for the family. I agree with you that they need both counselors but the addition of a monetary advisor is very much needed since the focus of this thread seems to keep going towards a marriage counselor. Perhaps their issue can partly be fixed if the husband has a good picture that their family can live through the debt.

 

[buytheflosstobetheboss]

Not sure of the specifics of your relationship, but I knew that it was tough for me to get into dental school. However, I would be very realistic as to how much time is vetted into this entire process. PA school seems to be the way to go. However, if you're the breadwinner, I hate to say it, but I don't think he has much weight in this decision, as you're--I assume--are acting out of the best interest of your family's financial future. IMO, earn the highest grades you can, network with schools--and I mean NETWORK--and apply strategically. It can be hard hauling a family along this journey.

 

[Mt Kilimanjaro]

Starting the pre-med/medical school journey with school aged kids is extremely difficult. If that’s the reason for his lack of support, then I don’t think his opinion is invalid. Pulling it off successfully takes a very dedicated spouse and strong support network. Most couples I know who did this successfully “took turns” working on their careers with one spouse staying home with the kids during medical school +/- residency.

Medical school is not as flexible as many other healthcare profession training programs like nurse practitioner (online!), PA, physical therapy, et Cetera. If you don’t have the support to get through medical school, there’s lots of other ways to get involved meaningfully in the healthcare field without potentially sacrificing your family.

 

[fourandtwo]

Thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right, I haven’t even started this journey, and maybe I won’t get into med school at all. I have a BA in Art History and an MA in Teaching. I am a public school teacher. I will have to take prereqs, and will likely need to get an MS Biology before even thinking of applying to med school (need to prove I can do the hard sciences, right?) It’s a lot to ask my husband to sit with me while I do that, and it will take a long time.

It’s hard for me to guess his true reason for stalling me on this. One minute, he says that he will support me if this is what will make me happy. The next, I’m being told he won’t even let me attempt the prereqs and MS while working part-time because it would cause us to have to compromise our current standard of living (he honestly has no idea what that is because he doesn’t even look at our bank account). In counseling last night, after being told the immensity of the undertaking (our therapist is a former career nurse of 40 years), he said he didn’t want to accept the money from my dad and therefore the point is moot- We wouldn’t be able to do it at all because he won’t accept me not working. I did offer to set it up to pay my dad back, and that was also not amenable to him.

I don't think you'll have to get an MS, just taking the prerequisites would be fine. You'd be surprised how much weight schools give to extracurriculars

 

[DokterMom]

A lot has been said, some of which I agree with and some not. Rather than quote everything, I'll pick out pieces and try not to distort too much --

Oh one other thing. Don't think for one minute that your daughters will see what you're doing and it will be a great example to them and they'll be proud of you and blah blah blah. Your daughters will see what you're doing, and whether they express it outwardly or not, they'll be hurt that you've chosen it over their birthday (oh yes you'll miss many), their soccer game, their ballet recital, and their need to cry on your shoulder over the boy who just broke up with them (you'll be on a 30 hour call and won't be available).

While this may be the case, I don't think it necessarily is. Yes, many children are so self-centered and short-sighted that they cannot see beyond their own self-interest. That's a childish outlook and they are, after all, children. But many other children can and do see more. They can rise to the occasion, contribute more to the family's well-being themselves (cook, do dishes, get themselves off to school, etc.) and actually benefit from becoming more self-sufficient. These children can be inspired by their parents' continued growth and go on to become high achievers themselves because that is what they see.

I was a premed once too. I remember not understanding the full ramifications of going into this profession until I was in it. In med school I have seen people turn obese, have skin breakouts worse than teenagers, people needing to go to a psychiatrist for depression, people getting a divorce, I've read stories of residents committing suicide, etc. Yes, there are many/most people that make it out fine, but the journey is hard for everyone. My psychopathology here is thinking that family should come first before income and a job. OP has very viable alternatives for a better life that doesn't involve this kind of sacrifice. This would be very different if OP had a rock solid marriage with a husband that will pick up the slack. Maybe I'm reaching here and probably talking out of turn, but I seriously doubt this husband that's not the breadwinner will step up to the plate for his kids.

Some very good questions. If you were to choose a shorter but still intense career path -- say PA -- and the financial questions somehow were to be resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Would your husband step up to the plate and pick up the slack with the family? Would your kids?

I could absolutely be wrong here, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound to me like money is at the root of your husband's concerns. From what you've written, it sounds much more like it's about power, control, ambition and status, and that he would feel threatened by your success and increased independence however you were to arrange it. (Would your achieving more diminish him in his own eyes and in his perception of his children's' eyes?) If that's the case, then your options are to limit your own achievements and personal growth and thereby stay comfortably [for him] within the 'box' he's set out for you, or to strike out on your own (emotionally, not necessarily physically) and see if he can and is willing to adjust. Walking on eggshells trying to navigate all of his objections will be a losing battle because (it sure sounds like) as soon as one objection is overcome, another obstacle will pop up in another place. It's Whack-a-Mole with your dreams.

What would you do if he weren't there? Being a single mother is scary as he!! and it's nobody's first choice. But it is better than being in a marriage that's actively unhappy and diminishing. Has yours reached that point? A good, strong marriage is a wonderful thing and certainly something well-worth sacrificing for. But shortchanging your own future for a marriage that's not worth saving is not a good trade-off.


In any case, you don't have to make the BIG decision now. Take it one step at a time with the coursework, volunteering, shadowing and possible job changes you will need to further your various career options -- RN, PT, PA, MD/DO. At this early stage, they're all in the same direction. Get more specific when you have to and keep all your options open until then.

Best of luck to you --

 

[Jamisan]

The big question is, are you absolutely positive you want to be in the medical field? Before doing pre-reqs or anything else, I would suggest shadowing or volunteering in a medical environment.

 

[IsleyOfTheNorth]

OP, it sounds like your husband is insecure. Now admittedly, we're only getting one side of the story, but it sounds like he's afraid you'll become too good for him. He's probably right. I'd guess that your step-father knows that you're too good for your husband and hopes that'll you'll realize it if you're given the opportunity. Your husband seems to have no ambition, but you do. That's a problem.

If you're truly dedicated to becoming a physician and you don't, you'll end up resenting him. If you go for it and he doesn't support you, or tries to undermine you, you'll probably fail. Given the fact that you have ambition and he doesn't means that you'll never be satisfied and he'll always be insecure. In my mind, the relationship is over.

Can you live without ambition? If so, then don't go to medical school. Seriously.

If you can't, then there's really no choice, but you need to be 100% that it's what you want. Not 99%, 100%. Will you do it no matter what? Will you do it even if your step-father's money dries up half way through? Do you FULLY understand what you're getting into - stress, academics, the job? Not "kind of" understand, but 100% metaphysical certitude.

You'd better be solid on what you're willing to give up because odds are that you'll have to.

(To everyone in this thread who wants to complain about my giving advice - don't bother. I don't care about your opinion on my opinion.)

 

[redfish955]

In twenty years time that 400k will be worth 1.5-2 million dollars. I would invest it or have your dad invest it and pursue a muc cheaper and faster career at your age.

 

[Naruhodo]

Your husband seems to have no ambition, but you do. That's a problem.

I'm going to push back on this just a bit. My spouse was brilliant and accomplished long before meeting me. However, my spouse is not personally ambitious. I am, and I used to imagine being part of a power couple where we were both pursuing high stress, high prestige careers. However, I think there's also a more nuanced view where I accept my partner as an equal without pushing them to go for all the trappings of ambition. Honestly, it's been nice during medical school to know that someone has my back and has the home front covered. Now I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I still sometimes worry whether this person might resent me if they felt that moving, etc. to pursue my dream career kept them from pursuing theirs. But I know for certain that they'd be upset if I pushed them to go for high-powered jobs because I want that for them rather than that being what they want for themself. Just my two cents.

 

[Forever Geebs]

FYI to those still posting and providing feedback, OP hasn't been around for nearly 2 months.