i just wondered from the experienced spouses out there- my husband is a blue collar worker -which is fine. but, i am looking at grad schools, and i know that i will be very occupied, etc. i must admit that my husband's drinking buddies are already giving him a hard time about me having a lot more education, and will make more money, etc. he is starting to be much less supportive, and more threatened by my educational plans. i don't know how my marriage will fare- any advice? i don't want to give up my education for him- but i think we are really different. he seems jealous of my relationship with my educated friends. some people say that it is really difficult for a highly educated professional woman to be with a non-educated man, especially if he doesn't earn much money. if you were to ask him candidly, he probably would rather me not continue in school-
me grad school, husband= no education= problems?
- Thread starter yuiki
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I say do you....get your education and he will have to deal. A "real" man that loved you would support you...
I see this all the time and talk about it on here.....what made you choose a man like that?
You had to have a clue what he was before you married him. I have been trying to get my head around this for yrs.....
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Of course it's easy for them to feel not good enough. But reassurance and support goes a long way. Make sure to remind him how important he is; make him feel contributory. But I agree, don't sacrifice your education for his feelings - if he really loves you, he will support what you do.
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There are two things that concern me in this story that you both need to sort out:
1. You have a noble desire, which your husband does not seem to fully support.
2. Your desire seem to be above your marriage.
So, your husband would benefit from growing up a bit and quit the "I feel bad about myself" mentality.
You need to realize that you chose your husband and made a committment BEFORE you decided to go for advanced education. Your family is your priority not your education, particularly if you have kids. You really won't take the wonderful memories of your diploma, career to the grave with you. What you do for your family will last generations. A diploma is just a piece of paper.
Think of all the pros and cons before committing to an education that will require much sacrifice and in the end may not be really worth it.
1. You have a noble desire, which your husband does not seem to fully support.
2. Your desire seem to be above your marriage.
So, your husband would benefit from growing up a bit and quit the "I feel bad about myself" mentality.
You need to realize that you chose your husband and made a committment BEFORE you decided to go for advanced education. Your family is your priority not your education, particularly if you have kids. You really won't take the wonderful memories of your diploma, career to the grave with you. What you do for your family will last generations. A diploma is just a piece of paper.
Think of all the pros and cons before committing to an education that will require much sacrifice and in the end may not be really worth it.
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eh friends can easily influence the male ego in the traditional sense of "provider standpoint"
i would recommend you COMMUNICATE to your husband. some people will be threatened but you just need to reassure him "honey, WE will be so much better off"
emphasize that this is a team effort. when you are married, you are unified into one being, essentially. there is no MY education, MY money, MY job. it is all US.
just talk with him, say you love him and the both of you are the most important thing in the world. come to a reasonable agreement about this and move on and never fight about it.
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agreed! of all the people i have spoken to on their death bed, NOT A SINGLE ONE discussed trophies, diplomas, and all that other bull****. when someone is dying, they talk about the memories they had with their family. family is so important and is really the greatest and most valuable thing. you can find a new job, career, win another trophy, etc. You will NEVER replace a brother, sister, child, husband etc. People are the unique gift in life to each other. We all fail to see that sometimes.
I have sort of the opposite of your problem. I'm the one continuing on a long educational journey while he dropped out of college after a year. He loves and brags about my education and how I have done. It me, I am the one who has difficulty accepting that he doesn't want to earn a degree and have a great job. He is perfectly happy where he is at. I admire you're ability to be ok with the fact that he is blue collar. I don't need him making six figures a year, but with what he makes now its barely able to support himself and I am afraid someday I will resent that, and I resent he hasn't worked as hard as I have to get where I am. How are you able to look at it so rationally and accepting? I love him, this is our only snag.
But with regards to you're situation, the way he looks at it, education is my hobby - at least its what I spend my time doing. He spends his time as a musician. He is happy for my accomplishments and acknowledges them and I do the same. Maybe it goes back to his family dynamics? or he wished to be the bread winner? Did his dad earn the money or has he ever wanted you to be the stay at home mom?
But with regards to you're situation, the way he looks at it, education is my hobby - at least its what I spend my time doing. He spends his time as a musician. He is happy for my accomplishments and acknowledges them and I do the same. Maybe it goes back to his family dynamics? or he wished to be the bread winner? Did his dad earn the money or has he ever wanted you to be the stay at home mom?
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Me Tarzan. You Jane.
Sorry, just found the title hilarious. You so educated!
Edit: FYI, I'm just joking. Good luck with your situation.
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The issue you are talking about has less to do with education and more to do with how you treat each other.
I won't jump on the 'family is above all' boat....I come from an abusive family, and I know plenty of folks who are better off with divorced work-a-holic parents than some with both parents at home beating the daylights out of them. To me, family is about taking care of each other as long as intentional harm (to self or others) isn't occuring.
I will say that forging forward without your spouses support will be damaging to your relationship. It sends the message that you don't care about their issues or concerns, and the spouse likely has valid concerns; education takes time, energy, and resources. There isn't any way to avoid education requiring some level of input, and that will mean less input on other areas of your life, including relationships. Even with a supportive spouse, that can be hard on a relationship. Have you really figured out what his concerns are, or are you just listening to the guys talking with alcohol in the system? Have you paused long enough to see his perspective, understand that he may not want to lower your current standards of living for some 'possibility' in the future?
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't continue, but that if you want a committed relationship, you have to respect the relationship and the committments that exist. You owe it to both of you to really understand and appreciate your partners perspectives and to work to make decisions together, or to decide if you are willing to do this even if it means being alone.
I do know quite a few couples where one is professional and the other is blue collar, particularly where the professional comes from a blue collar background. I know, as a child of high school drop outs, I struggle with where I fit in social contexts. It has advantages; I can relate to folks from nearly every background, but I don't quite 'fit in' any where. My husband has a college degree, but his parents have the same education level mine do.
@Shelby - for me, that would depend. if they were still exploring life, learning outside the classroom, etc, I'd be ok with it. if they were comfy being a flea in the fur of humanity (read Sophie's World if you don't recognize that statement) I wouldn't be ok with that. I just don't value formal education as much as I value a student's desire to learn.
I won't jump on the 'family is above all' boat....I come from an abusive family, and I know plenty of folks who are better off with divorced work-a-holic parents than some with both parents at home beating the daylights out of them. To me, family is about taking care of each other as long as intentional harm (to self or others) isn't occuring.
I will say that forging forward without your spouses support will be damaging to your relationship. It sends the message that you don't care about their issues or concerns, and the spouse likely has valid concerns; education takes time, energy, and resources. There isn't any way to avoid education requiring some level of input, and that will mean less input on other areas of your life, including relationships. Even with a supportive spouse, that can be hard on a relationship. Have you really figured out what his concerns are, or are you just listening to the guys talking with alcohol in the system? Have you paused long enough to see his perspective, understand that he may not want to lower your current standards of living for some 'possibility' in the future?
Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't continue, but that if you want a committed relationship, you have to respect the relationship and the committments that exist. You owe it to both of you to really understand and appreciate your partners perspectives and to work to make decisions together, or to decide if you are willing to do this even if it means being alone.
I do know quite a few couples where one is professional and the other is blue collar, particularly where the professional comes from a blue collar background. I know, as a child of high school drop outs, I struggle with where I fit in social contexts. It has advantages; I can relate to folks from nearly every background, but I don't quite 'fit in' any where. My husband has a college degree, but his parents have the same education level mine do.
@Shelby - for me, that would depend. if they were still exploring life, learning outside the classroom, etc, I'd be ok with it. if they were comfy being a flea in the fur of humanity (read Sophie's World if you don't recognize that statement) I wouldn't be ok with that. I just don't value formal education as much as I value a student's desire to learn.
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well, I wasnt like you guys, but my ex was going to a ivy league school at that time, in the end she choose education and her family vaules that wanted her to give up our relationship. She asked me what I can offer her, and told me love isnt enough. She loved me, but education was more important to her as she needed no distractions and she said the same thing, that she will resent me if we did end up together... this was like 4 years ago. At first I didnt understand, but I forgave her.
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Your argument is not very educated is it ?
What do you and your educated friends talk about ? About history and art ? Like the frasier cast ( sounds boring)
You need to ask this is he a good husband?
Education does not define who you are. Some of the most evil people in history was highly educated ?
What do you and your educated friends talk about ? About history and art ? Like the frasier cast ( sounds boring)
You need to ask this is he a good husband?
Education does not define who you are. Some of the most evil people in history was highly educated ?
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Quite frankly, I think the girl is full of herself and the guy would likely be better off without her. She starts the post talking about how she will be essentially too busy for the relationship and ends up basically coming across as too good for him by stating she will be a "highly educated professional woman with a non-educated man."
Seriously, all you people up her ass need to look at the obvious. He's not holding her back, she is essentially ashamed of his lack of education and wants to trade up.
On a side rant, Im really sick of the "professional" adjective women love to toss around. How many guys say they are a highly educated professional man? I don't think I have ever seen it. The word is meaningless.
/end rant
Seriously, all you people up her ass need to look at the obvious. He's not holding her back, she is essentially ashamed of his lack of education and wants to trade up.
On a side rant, Im really sick of the "professional" adjective women love to toss around. How many guys say they are a highly educated professional man? I don't think I have ever seen it. The word is meaningless.
/end rant
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Well ****, this was a 6 month necro bump, this girl is likely not around anymore.
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Pursuit your dreams - if you are more happy, so will he be!
Also, education is by no means a guarantee for a good income anymore. Unfortunately a lot of students end up with big loans and no job or low paying jobs. So until then, don't take these issues too seriously imo.
Also, education is by no means a guarantee for a good income anymore. Unfortunately a lot of students end up with big loans and no job or low paying jobs. So until then, don't take these issues too seriously imo.
I didn't know people weighting education into relationship too... Guess because I'm still young... My gf is way smarter than me, and I quite slow so I need lot of coaching for my subjects in school, but in no way I am looked down. On the other hand, I receive a lot of encouragement and help from her related to school stuffs.
To me, the main question is; what kind of a connection do you have with your husband?
Human nature mostly turns around its own self and tries to establish everything in life around that self, of course as much as possible. Marriage is the togetherness of those selves; so your and your husband's "self" descriptions and whether they are matching or not are important.
Regarding todays world, the more we develop, the more precise satisfactions we define and try to get (but still dont feel satisfied and run faster and look for more!), you look focusing on yourself. You are so certain in your expression about "yourself and your self's demand", and with a great probability with this approach you will go on to focus more and more on what you are determined. Your husband joins or not. You are the system, he is the surrounding in your expression.
Relations is all about approach; with one approach you make it, with another you fake!
Please dont misunderstand me, I dont say that you are wrong, bad or something. But to know ourselves is the key point in understanding and managing our lives. If you attribute more value on your education you, of course, go on in that way, but the point is that; life always offers options and we have to make a priority list among them: there is no more than 1 slot for Top 1!
Human nature mostly turns around its own self and tries to establish everything in life around that self, of course as much as possible. Marriage is the togetherness of those selves; so your and your husband's "self" descriptions and whether they are matching or not are important.
Regarding todays world, the more we develop, the more precise satisfactions we define and try to get (but still dont feel satisfied and run faster and look for more!), you look focusing on yourself. You are so certain in your expression about "yourself and your self's demand", and with a great probability with this approach you will go on to focus more and more on what you are determined. Your husband joins or not. You are the system, he is the surrounding in your expression.
Relations is all about approach; with one approach you make it, with another you fake!
Please dont misunderstand me, I dont say that you are wrong, bad or something. But to know ourselves is the key point in understanding and managing our lives. If you attribute more value on your education you, of course, go on in that way, but the point is that; life always offers options and we have to make a priority list among them: there is no more than 1 slot for Top 1!
