Medical funnies ONLY!

[avgjoe]

okay .. here's one of mine
As an MS1 I was shadowing an OB/gyn. We had just learnt the abdominal exam in physical exam class, and heard bowel sounds, etc. the whole shtick. Then I go watch a vaginal hysterectomy, and soon after we started I heard a repetitive hmmmmmmmmmm sound coming from the patient. I honestly thought that perhaps the bowel sounds were being amplified by the way the vagina was pulled and spread out like that! And, as a perfect clueless MS1, I even asked - are those the bowel sounds? to which the surgeon looked over and said 'uhm ... no, she's just snoring'!!
My did I feel smart

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[Knight_MD]

*A friend of mine, also senior med-student, would look for cases of Scrotal Varicocele, examine and palpate them, then look for me just to shake hands.

*Another friend, senior med student, decides to attend some random surgeries, to try to get used to the whole surgery lifestyle. These random surgeries turned out to be:
-Scrotal Gangere resection
-Anal Abcess
-Gangrenous Finger Amputation

Next day.... he decides he has to attend another surgery b4 he hates the speciality as a whole... so he attends a simple appendectomy. For funzies, the Resident lets him do some stiches on closing the wound at the end. (Note this is HIS FIRST TIME to do stiches!) Resident leaves. And just when my friend has 4 more stiches to go, the patient starts waking up!

Thankfully, the nurse in the OR was a really good one She pushed him halfway accross the room, and took the remaining stitches in a split second

The day after, he almost killed a post-op patient by giving her NSAIDs IV.....

yeah he's gonna be a great doctor.

 

[leorl]

Personally, I prefer "vajayjay."

The Peurto Rican "chocha" (of Missy Elliott fame) is another perennial favorite.

VaJayJay?!?!?! AHHAHAHAH!

 

[toofache32]

....And just when my friend has 4 more stiches to go, the patient starts waking up! Thankfully, the nurse in the OR was a really good one She pushed him halfway accross the room, and took the remaining stitches in a split second

The day after, he almost killed a post-op patient by giving her NSAIDs IV.....

I'm not sure I understand the first part.

And do you mean Toradol?

 

[mysophobe]

Sometimes when the patients start waking up they buck or move around, making it difficult for the inexperienced to place stitches. I don't get what's so embarrassing about it, but I believe that is what he was trying to get across. As far as the toradol thing goes, your guess is as good as mine.

 

[deuist]

A patient in the ED was screaming, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" and starting to stress the rest of the patients. Finally, a nurse gets on the intercom and yells, "This is God. Shut up!" The patient was quiet after that.

 

[Knight_MD]

I'm not sure I understand the first part.

And do you mean Toradol?

Yeah as mysophobe, it was mainly the patient moving and 'shrugging'.... pretty akward though... Definetly NOT something u want to experience on ur 1st time stitching without a Resident by ur side!

Toradol? Have no idea. Maybe, wasn't really there when it happened.

Worth mentioning, I once gave this teenager 6 stitches on his arm, without using a local anasthetic.... He didn't wink a muscle. He was a user with all kinds of imaginable neuropathies all over him

And when I was done, he kept starring for a while till we all told him "WE'RE DONE NOW... U CAN GO... PLZ GO...HEY... U THERE???"

 

[mysophobe]

First time I stitched I felt like everybody was staring at me...which they were. But still, it was nervewracking. Luckily, it wasn't too shabby. I love stitching now, and practically shove everyone away so I can do it.

 

[Faebinder]

This happened in the psychiatry ward in a hospital in NY. It was the immediate first Sept 11 after Sept 11 2001 and the psychiatry ward decided to have a 10 minute talk and some music in honoring of Sept 11, this was mainly to reduce any possible stress on any patients affected by Sept 11.

So.... after the 10 minutes talk, they play some lady singing remembrance songs which was fine cause all patients stood there no problem.... until the gender identity disorder patient comes in (he is a guy who thinks he is a girl who wants to become a gay guy). He is dressed in tight pink spandex pants and a tight shirt with the nail polish on and lip stick and eye shadow and he starts to gyrate and dance to the music so dramatically. All the doctors were quiet... the students held it in..... but i couldnt help but finally break a smile when the bipolar patient started preaching about God (going along with the dance and the gospel music) and the paranoid schiznophrenic started calling both patients crazy.

 

[Tigerz_Fan]

I'm bringing this thread back to life because I hate the title of the other thread. This one happened to me yesterday:

I have a patient in the ICU who is a horrible OB disaster. Placenta percreta, massive transfusions (>100 units), DIC, TRALI, ARDS, vented, sedated, and on CVVHD. You get the picture.

The morning after admission, the attending from another service starting asking for an update about her condition. In the middle of the conversation, she asks, is she lactating??"

My response: "Huh?"

 

[earmuff]

sheehan syndrome

 

[Tigerz_Fan]

sheehan syndrome

Nope, didn't have any other clinical signs. The doc really just wanted to know if she was lactating.....

 

[Grace34]

I saw a girl who had tried to OD on Vitamin C...it was a long time ago and even she was laughing about it.

 

[docdaname]

Dr: Mr X, it appears you have a pneumonia or something in your lungs
pt: maybe its dirt?
Dr: Why would there be dirt in your lungs?
pt: because I like to eat dirt.

 

[Tigerz_Fan]

This happened to me last week. I have to see the employee health doc every 4 weeks because I was stuck with a needle from a Hep C patient. Our conversation:

Doc: I am concerned because I have noticed that your weight has been steadily increasing on each of your visits.
Me: Really? I imagine that is because I am almost 40 weeks pregnant.
Doc: What? I hadn't noticed!

Nice observation skills!

 

[motoo]

This happened to me last week. I have to see the employee health doc every 4 weeks because I was stuck with a needle from a Hep C patient. Our conversation:

Doc: I am concerned because I have noticed that your weight has been steadily increasing on each of your visits.
Me: Really? I imagine that is because I am almost 40 weeks pregnant.
Doc: What? I hadn't noticed!

Nice observation skills!

man oh man...wonder what he was thinking? hep c exposure ->wt. gain-> cirrhosis.....watch out if he tries to come at you for a paracentesis

 

[Electronegative]

"bump"

just want to read some more stories since it's bean awhile since the last post.

 

[med2UCC]

How do you REALLY keep it from the orthopod?

Put it in a book with no pictures.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a pediatrician?

You don't have to - they've never seen one.

No, no, no! To keep $100 from an orthopaedic surgeon you put it in the chart! That's official, from one of the orthopods here. Cheers,
M

 

[med2UCC]

OK, so here's a new story - I think. Working emerg one night we had to admit a guy with ACS. The nurse asked me "So, are we admitting him to 5- North Telepathy?"
Sadly, 5-North only does telemetry. We could really use a telepathy ward. Cheers,
M

 

[monkeybutt]

I may have posted this somewhere else, but I'm still embarrassed about it ...

As an MS3 on medicine I had to do a rectal exam on a woman. Not only did she have some sort of pain syndrome that made her holler in pain at the slightest touch, but she was also obese and had lots of hemorrhoids. So, she was laying on her side and I was doing my best to spread her cheeks and for the life of me I couldn't find her anus. So being the intrepid soul that I am I just plunged ahead blindly. She started screaming, "Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"

The intern who was with me just stood in the corner stifling her laughter.

 

[Surg0611]

One of my fellows is foreign and thus uses the term "motion" for bowel movement. One AM during rounds, he asks a post-op aorto-bifem patient if they had a motion yet.

Patient: "huh?"

Fellow: you know, a bowel motion?

Patient: Doc, I don't know what the f$#& you are talking about, but there hasn't been any motion in this ocean for awhile!

The whole team lost it and had to leave the room.

 

[NYRN]

Patient to Triage nurse (me): Patient speaks little English "My tooth hurts"

Me: Assess face, looks in mouth touches jaw, no apparent injury. Speaking clearly. "OK. Have a seat over there in the chair, the doctor will see you"

The MD goes over to the patient with a nurse who speaks her language. I'm watching the translators jaw drop and the look on his face.

The patient's reason for her tooth pain? She said that the police and FBI were throwing grenades and smokebombs into her house every night for the past 10 years. She says a grenede hit her in the face and caused the tooth pain.

Psych called, evaluates patient. Cleared by psych to go home. Apparently she is an outpatient under the care of one of the psych MD's and she has had this delusion for >10 years.

Ok then

 

[kemper6036]

How do you REALLY keep it from the orthopod?

Put it in a book with no pictures.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a pediatrician?

You don't have to - they've never seen one.

how do you hide a $100 bill from an internist?

put it under a dressing

 

[Atomic]

My fav!

How do you tell an introverted pathologist from an extroverted one?

An introverted pathologist looks at their shoes when they talk to you, an extroverted pathologist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

 

[Substance]

My senior resident told me this story.
He was a MS 3 learning how to do a PE. His assigned patient was a morbidly obese woman. So my gentle, calm, and sweet resident is lifting up each flab and examining the skin...etc, then he lifts the woman's belly, and an unwrapped twinkie fell on the floor... The patient had been eating twinkies before, and had lost one...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Totally a Homer Simpson moment: "I keep a lollipop there...."

 

[cartoondoc]

This is my worst I Am An Idiot moment from residency:

During my first intern ICU rotation, there were two rooms with photocopy machines. Over the course of the one-month rotation, I used the machine quite a bit since we didn't have EMR.

Anyway, on the last week of the rotation, I went into one of the two rooms, and my senior resident was using the machine. I had some stuff to copy too, so I told her I was going to use the other room.

I left the room and went to the other photocopy room. To my utter shock, my resident was in there making copies. She looked at me in surprise. That's when I realized that the "two" photocopy rooms I had been using all month was actually a single room with two entrances.

In my defense, I was really tired all month.

 

[Slack3r]

I may have posted this somewhere else, but I'm still embarrassed about it ...

As an MS3 on medicine I had to do a rectal exam on a woman. Not only did she have some sort of pain syndrome that made her holler in pain at the slightest touch, but she was also obese and had lots of hemorrhoids. So, she was laying on her side and I was doing my best to spread her cheeks and for the life of me I couldn't find her anus. So being the intrepid soul that I am I just plunged ahead blindly. She started screaming, "Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"

The intern who was with me just stood in the corner stifling her laughter.

You must be a riot in the bedroom.

 

[houseobsessed]

moar!

 

[45408]

This is my worst I Am An Idiot moment from residency:

During my first intern ICU rotation, there were two rooms with photocopy machines. Over the course of the one-month rotation, I used the machine quite a bit since we didn't have EMR.

Anyway, on the last week of the rotation, I went into one of the two rooms, and my senior resident was using the machine. I had some stuff to copy too, so I told her I was going to use the other room.

I left the room and went to the other photocopy room. To my utter shock, my resident was in there making copies. She looked at me in surprise. That's when I realized that the "two" photocopy rooms I had been using all month was actually a single room with two entrances.

In my defense, I was really tired all month.

no way

 

[JSdoc]

A patient in the ED was screaming, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" and starting to stress the rest of the patients. Finally, a nurse gets on the intercom and yells, "This is God. Shut up!" The patient was quiet after that.

Haha, clever, and something I've always wanted to do!

 

[kingkenny]

Here's another funny. Was rotating in the Ophtho dept. I was dictating to a med student the chief complaints of the patient so that he could write it down for me. I told him "patient complains of floaters in both eyes"

The Out patient card read.. "Patient complains of lotus in both eyes".

 

[JelloBrain]

I once had a home hair highlights job go terribly wrong-it was my first attempt. Instead of my long dark black hair coming out with honey and blond highlights as the box promised, I ended up with a mass of hair with varying shades of pale yellow to dark orange. It was quite a sight with my Indian skin tone. Undaunted I went back to work on the Monday after with my weird hair. Everyone at work had a good laugh at my expense.

Later that afternoon I had a very distressed patient come to me with a query. I had admitted her the previous Thursday with a subarachnoid hemorrhage and sent her to our sister hospital for coiling. She had a successful treatment and came back to my ward that Monday when I had shown up with my colorful hair.

Her query was-"Doctor JB, the first time I saw you when I was very sick, I remember you having jet black hair. I feel better now but your hair is yellow! Has my condition caused me to lose my memory or vision? Will I get better?"

Her serious and worried questions caught me off guard for a moment. Then, collecting my wits, I said, "It's not you, it's me", and actually meant it, . I showed her my photo ID to console her that she wasn't losing her mind.

My lesson learned-Do not torture poor neurosurgical patients with drastic changes in appearances-it might set back their slow progress.

 

[Allygator89]

Two of my personal faves - short but sweet...

Every pt. at our L&D triage area has to fill out an intake form, which has a line for "responsible party" (ie the father of the child).
.... the all time best response? One person wrote in "medicade"

and in OB resident clinic I once saw this pt. in her early teens (I think she was 14 in her 2 trimester, but time+beer=bad memory). Mom (or grandma I should say) had this kid's FIRST child in her lap. I was finishing up the exam and brought up the topic of contraception, to which she sincerely repiled "oh doc, you don' havta worry, I've got the two I wanted, I don't want to have any more right now"

Another intake form (not where I currently work), under bowel habits, the patient listed "I poop cupcakes"....