Medical Terminology as Spoken by the Layperson...

[ekydrd]

So I'm working in the CCU this month. A patient comes in after his AICD had fired that morning. "I hate it when my flibbilator goes off. It sets me on my bucket ever' time." He is s/p EP ablation that apprently didn't work.

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[NKMU]

"Huney, can I have some more of them Vikings for my pain?"

 

[Dukes]

The other night.. "Doc I be having pain, it be worser, you see they told me I have a gerbil cyst".
Me: Um... do you mean dermoid cyst?

Pt. no they said gerbil.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Ah, the infamous gerbil cyst....it's a parasitic cyst that forms when a small rodent burrows into the sensitive rectal tissue.

 

[fuzzyerin]

Had a patient the other day, last name Butts. She delivered a baby girl via repeat c-section. When I asked her what she wanted to name the baby, she said Sorias, which she pronounced like psoriasis. She told me her mom didn't want her to name the baby that because it sounded like a disease.

I told her it was.

Soriasis Butts. That's not a name you want to grow up with...

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Had a patient the other day, last name Butts. She delivered a baby girl via repeat c-section. When I asked her what she wanted to name the baby, she said Sorias, which she pronounced like psoriasis. She told me her mom didn't want her to name the baby that because it sounded like a disease.

I told her it was.

Soriasis Butts. That's not a name you want to grow up with...

Sorias Butts, better know as "Ol' Itchy Ass"

 

[NKMU]

Today during H+P I asked the patient if anyone in his family had diabetes. "Yes doc, my mother has them.

Made me smile.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

I can't seem to convince my grandmother that she doesn't need to refer to her condition as "sugar diabetes".

"Trying to avoid confusion with the less common 'salt diabetes' form eh Judy? Just count yourself lucky you didn't get the oregano form of it.....it's rapidly fatal."

 

[ryanodine]

I can't seem to convince my grandmother that she doesn't need to refer to her condition as "sugar diabetes".

"Trying to avoid confusion with the less common 'salt diabetes' form eh Judy? Just count yourself lucky you didn't get the oregano form of it.....it's rapidly fatal."

Well, there is diabetes insipidus...

 

[docB]

Well, there is diabetes insipidus...

And yet in all the thousands of people who have told me they have diabetes none have been referring to diabetes insipidus.

 

[SoCuteMD]

And yet in all the thousands of people who have told me they have diabetes none have been referring to diabetes insipidus.

What would DI be called?

"I got the pees"

 

[deleted109597]

What would DI be called?

"I got the pees"

Basically, yeah.

But then again, I've heard that before, and it wasn't DI.

 

[ekydrd]

I recently asked a pt why she called it "sugar diabetes" and she said "'cause I got it from eatin' too much sugar." ...Oh..., I get it... it must be type II DM!

 

[deleted109597]

Many of them call it that to distinguish themselves from the genetic diabetes.

I have heard it called Diabetes Type 11 (eleven), instead of II (two). Apparently some people can't read roman numerals.

 

[mikecwru]

Many of them call it that to distinguish themselves from the genetic diabetes.

I have heard it called Diabetes Type 11 (eleven), instead of II (two). Apparently some people can't read roman numerals.

This extends to some medical "professionals"

I saw a medical student once say "he's on nexium FOUR" (IV)

"You're not applying for emergency medicine are you?"

mike

 

[Apollyon]

This extends to some medical "professionals"

I saw a medical student once say "he's on nexium FOUR" (IV)

"You're not applying for emergency medicine are you?"

mike

The med student had just seen "Malcolm Ten".

 

[BKN]

A patient told one of the residents that he had bell's palsy but they cured it with asteroids . . .apparently by intragluteal injection.

 

[docB]

I swear I'm not making this up. My patient I just saw claims a history of "genital heart failure." That sounds bad.

 

[deleted77919]

In Chicago we name our highways with eponyms; "The Kennedy", The Eisenhower", "The Bishop Ford", etc. and all landmarks for traffic reports are similarly cryptic. God help the tourist listening to a traffic report!

- H

In Virginia it was either "I-81" (eye-eighty-one) or simply "81." Interstate 64 was however, simply "64." In NYC we have "the FDR."

 

[deleted77919]

I swear I'm not making this up. My patient I just saw claims a history of "genital heart failure." That sounds bad.

Oh man!

 

[Chronic Student]

I swear I'm not making this up. My patient I just saw claims a history of "genital heart failure." That sounds bad.

Well I knew I had a brain down there. Now I find out that there is a heart down there as well and I have to worry about it failing! AGGH!

What would I use for that DIGITalis...

-Mike

 

[gutonc]

"I take the pink pill to massage ma heart."
"But Doc, I need Demerol 'cause I gots the prappyism."
"I use my albuterlator 4 or 5 times a day. And today my defibrelol went off."

The last 2 are easy but I have no idea what the first one is. Is dig pink?

 

[drlisa0318]

I knew these two roommates in college named Young and Preeti (pronounced "pretty"), always sounded so funny on the answering machine..

in my clinic, mom and daughter, child's name is wi-von-ee (asked her to spell it for me.. yvonne..)

Here in NE Oklahoma, the name Yvonne is pronounced wi-von. And the name Naomi is pronounced nay-oh-muh. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that the NE Oklahoma town of Miami is pronounced - you guessed it - my-am-uh.

 

[Dukes]

My fellow resident had a patient tell her that his girlfriend was recently diagnosed with "trichomonopolis" and was worried about himself.

 

[24FF1313]

These are TRUE interactions:

1)...."Ms. Smith, with your bad legs, how do you get around at home?"

"No worries, Doctah! I got wanna them special chairs that ejaculates me out 'da chair."

2) Trying to obtain consent from a right-handed man going to the OR for surgery on his broken right hand....

"Here doc, lemme see your pen. I can sign with my left hand, being amphibious."

I knew a young woman who was telling about a fellow she met in a club the night before who was supposedly a fighter pilot - and who had told her he once "had to ejaculate from a plane".
The woman in question, however was operating under some limitations...This was in my skydiving days, and almost everybody on the drop zone called her "Airhead" to her face, and she thought it was a term of endearment among skydivers.

 

[FISKUS]

Did Roman paramedics start 4s on their Pts? ( IVs )

 

[FISKUS]

The cops brought in a young lady who was roughed up by her boyfriend. Nothing major - just bumps and bruises. She was d/ced to the police. I asked them where they were taking her.

Shes going to the Tempura shelter.

Whats that?

A place for lightly battered women.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

My fellow resident had a patient tell her that his girlfriend was recently diagnosed with "trichomonopolis" and was worried about himself.

That's the fulminant form of Trichomonas infection right?

 

[Dukes]

That's the fulminant form of Trichomonas infection right?

Yes you are very much correct! It was first documented and named after the ancient captial in the land of Trichomonia (I see that form more often) and has since never been eradicated albeit very rare today.

 

[DeadCactus]

This thread's funny as hell.

Don't know how the hell it's supposed to be racist unless uneducated/ignorant is a race. Condescending? No. Just poking fun at people's less than shining moments.

I expect people to get a laugh out of me when I say/do something stupid and I do the same to others. The golden rule and all that.

It's kind of scary how many people can't separate a humorous topic from a serious issue. Makes me wonder what kind of ****ed up mentality is running around their head...

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Yes you are very much correct! It was first documented and named after the ancient captial in the land of Trichomonia (I see that form more often) and has since never been eradicated albeit very rare today.

We should so jokingly write that up and see if we can get it published. One of the Canadian EM journals did an article about how to remove earwax with a SuperSoaker, so I'm sure a little ID humor would slip by.

 

[Dukes]

We should so jokingly write that up and see if we can get it published. One of the Canadian EM journals did an article about how to remove earwax with a SuperSoaker, so I'm sure a little ID humor would slip by.

You raise an excellent point, I wonder if this would count as my "scholarly project" required for graduation. If that doesn't work out maybe I could display my findings during a poster presentation at SAEM for instance

 

[DropkickMurphy]

You raise an excellent point, I wonder if this would count as my "scholarly project" required for graduation.

If that works out EVMS will be #1 on my match list when I get out of med school.

 

[Wackie]

I've finally got one to share!


Pt: "Jest lass week, I had an autopsy."
Doc: "An autopsy? You mean a biopsy?"
Pt: "An autopsy."
Doc: "You mean a biopsy. An autopsy is done when you're dead."
Pt: "Oh, I guess it ain't dat den." [laughs]

 

[kbrown]

CC: "i just don't feel right, i think i have a mind tumor"

 

[ASDIC]

I had this one dude in a family practice clinic who came in with herpes all over his penis.

"Ma shi!t be burnin ven I take da piss an' ven am chillin"...translation: my penis burns when I urinate and when I have sex

 

[Wackie]

Woot!


I have:

A patient's love slave wished to beat them into "unconscionesess" (phonetic spelling: un-con-shun-nes-ses)?

A patient who needed his melanoma looked at (In medical land it's actually a hematoma. In retrospect, we probably should have called the melanomatologist).

And a patient who had his gall bladder removed in a colliecross-section (poor Lassie ).

 

[Mayday]

I was really, really hoping that you all were kidding about the word "Baby Daddy." Sadly, nope. I've discovered there are students at my school who use it. The first time I heard it I think I thought something along the lines of "Whoa! Thank you SDN!"

 

[nvmd]

Southern Californians often refer to the Pacific Coast Highway as "The One", which is a little weird when you think about it. Very Matrix-esque.

Thats because it is highway 1, helloooo.

 

[FISKUS]

Patient Quote:

Last time I had one of those blood clogs in my leg, they gave me Hefferin in the vein.

 

[nvmd]

Had a patient that said he was "incubated" last time he was in the hospital. My resident looked over at me with a big smile and said "hey, he was incubated" I had to excuse myself from the room and calm myself down.

 

[f_w]

Chief complaint line on one patient in our hospital information system:

Defibulator put in last week, pain

(De-fibulator: Automated device to remove ones fibula ??)

 

[docB]

One of my partners walked up to me laughing. A post surgical patient kept talking aobut the "scary tape" they put on her. It took a while. Turned out she meant "steri strips."

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

Not a word, but still a funny story.

We were in the newborn nursery about the first or second week of third year. Seeing babies and filling out the appropiate paperwork. Well, one of my fellow classmates came in a bit late and the attending had already gotten there and was seeing the babies that had not been seen by anyone first. The student asks the residents what he should do (as he has the chart open pointing out todays attending note).


Without missing a beat, the resident said oh just say you have seen and agree with Dr Attendings note and sign it.....

"I have seen the patient and agree with Dr Attendings findings. Medical Student, MSIII"



That one got copied and passed around. At least they didnt send him to the lab for Fallopian Tubes...

 

[Kazu]

Told a pt that her son had scabies the other day and when I came back to discharge her she was on the phone telling someone her son "had the termites".

 

[146233]

Dude is a bystander at a MVA

Critical driver removed...

EBONICS DUDE: "Yep, they removed him and started doin' UPS on him."..

Try this: http://www.break.com/index/giventhemanups.html

 

[deuist]

Pt: I got this bunyon.
Me: Bunyon? Wear?
Pt: The bunyon when I pee.
Me: Do you mean burning when you pee?
Pt: yeah
Me: We're a belly service, not a urine service. Why were you referred here?
Pt: I got the CT scan of my draining glands.
Me: Your adrenal glands?
Pt: Yeah, those.

 

[ditch doctor]

"I hurt real bad in my knees, doc; they told me last week I had Oscar-meyerlitis. They put me on these antibiotics."

 

[deleted6669]

pt with an abscess. allergies " all antibiotics".
me: what happens if you take antibiotics?
pt: I get blantus.
me: scuse me?
pt: you know, blantus, I get pus comin out of my penis
me: you mean balanitis?
pt: yeah, blantus, just like I said......

 

[mye]

Everyone has heard the story of the dude who got a blank script pad and took this prescription to the pharmacist:

"1 pound mofine"

I almost fell out of my chair dying with laugher on that one!