Good evening everyone.
I'm from central Europe (don't want to be too specific) and I'm at the end of my first year of surgical residency (neurosurgery). Just wanted to pour my heart out to you. Yes, I know there are hundreds of similar posts in here, but I still wanted to make one myself. Almost all of the other posts are about the US residency and I guess it's kinda different here (especially in this part of Europe), but at the same time, the problems and feelings we get while being in residency and working with people who are suffering are the same. In advance I'd like to apologize for my English as it might be a bit off (haven't written in a while).
So, as I mentioned before I'm currently finishing my first year of neurosurgical residency. I've had several months of nsg with several other rotations (e.g. trauma/ICU etc.). I haven't had any major setbacks but deep inside I feel this sense of disappointment in myself. The thing is that I'm always doubting myself and building barriers inside my head, which slow down my overall progress. During my med school year I was always anxious (especially when it came down to exams, evaluations, other people's opinions) and when I think about it I was a neurotic kid since as long as I can remember. I finished med-school with honors (studied like hell and I truly believe that a person can achieve anything if he's putting the effort and hard work). When I started my residency it all just stopped. I have no idea why. The anxiety is there, the lack of confidence, lack of courage is there but my hard work is gone. Yes I stay at the hospital, sometimes two days in a row (not that often), but I don't find the strength to read afterwards or to do extra clinical work It's like I am living in an illusion, where I fantasize about being a great surgeon and helping people but in reality I'm not giving my best, my 100%. And I know I have all the opportunities I am just afraid. Afraid of who knows what.
For example. I'm currently in my non-nsg rotation. Sometimes, when surgeons need our help they drop a message on social media (we have this private group chat) asking for assistance. The moment I see the message I get anxious and just freeze. I'm just afraid to go the OR or I'm taking too long to make a decision. Time goes by and other interns answer with something like "sure I'll come". Then I get this feeling of "ohh ****, I wanted but i just choked out for no reason". And the internal cycle of self blaming and shaming begins. Thoughts like "why am I even here if I am afraid", "will I be able to help my patients if I'm not giving my hundred percent", "my hands suck", "everyone is more competent and confident" etc... I have no idea why am I so scared.. I am genuinely concerned about my internal motivation, because I have all of the opportunities to read, to go and assist, to even perform surgeries on my own with the help of attendings. And I'm just going home, watching youtube and netflix and thinking about how much I suck.
So here I stand. Kind of lost. Thinking maybe this is not the path for me. Doubting my medical knowledge, my hand dexterity and my personality as a surgeon in general. The year has passed and I feel that other first year residents are more competent and are at least trying to solve some problems. What I mean is I just kinda feel comfortable doing what I am told without thinking . I'm not saying I should make every call. F*** that, we are working with real people. But if I encounter I task where I need to make a call for myself (the simplest task like giving antibiotics for empiric urinary tract infection or organizing an MRI for the patient, which involves all of the consent forms, calls, and logistical maneuvers) I feel stressed out. I somehow manage everything with the help of others but at the end of the day feel like I haven't done anything and that other people saved my ass once again.
Sorry if tit sounded too whiny. I just needed to get it out of my system.
Maybe you have any suggestions? recommendations? How to be more courageous? how to make everything of my day? Maybe there's nothing wrong?
Cya
I'm from central Europe (don't want to be too specific) and I'm at the end of my first year of surgical residency (neurosurgery). Just wanted to pour my heart out to you. Yes, I know there are hundreds of similar posts in here, but I still wanted to make one myself. Almost all of the other posts are about the US residency and I guess it's kinda different here (especially in this part of Europe), but at the same time, the problems and feelings we get while being in residency and working with people who are suffering are the same. In advance I'd like to apologize for my English as it might be a bit off (haven't written in a while).
So, as I mentioned before I'm currently finishing my first year of neurosurgical residency. I've had several months of nsg with several other rotations (e.g. trauma/ICU etc.). I haven't had any major setbacks but deep inside I feel this sense of disappointment in myself. The thing is that I'm always doubting myself and building barriers inside my head, which slow down my overall progress. During my med school year I was always anxious (especially when it came down to exams, evaluations, other people's opinions) and when I think about it I was a neurotic kid since as long as I can remember. I finished med-school with honors (studied like hell and I truly believe that a person can achieve anything if he's putting the effort and hard work). When I started my residency it all just stopped. I have no idea why. The anxiety is there, the lack of confidence, lack of courage is there but my hard work is gone. Yes I stay at the hospital, sometimes two days in a row (not that often), but I don't find the strength to read afterwards or to do extra clinical work It's like I am living in an illusion, where I fantasize about being a great surgeon and helping people but in reality I'm not giving my best, my 100%. And I know I have all the opportunities I am just afraid. Afraid of who knows what.
For example. I'm currently in my non-nsg rotation. Sometimes, when surgeons need our help they drop a message on social media (we have this private group chat) asking for assistance. The moment I see the message I get anxious and just freeze. I'm just afraid to go the OR or I'm taking too long to make a decision. Time goes by and other interns answer with something like "sure I'll come". Then I get this feeling of "ohh ****, I wanted but i just choked out for no reason". And the internal cycle of self blaming and shaming begins. Thoughts like "why am I even here if I am afraid", "will I be able to help my patients if I'm not giving my hundred percent", "my hands suck", "everyone is more competent and confident" etc... I have no idea why am I so scared.. I am genuinely concerned about my internal motivation, because I have all of the opportunities to read, to go and assist, to even perform surgeries on my own with the help of attendings. And I'm just going home, watching youtube and netflix and thinking about how much I suck.
So here I stand. Kind of lost. Thinking maybe this is not the path for me. Doubting my medical knowledge, my hand dexterity and my personality as a surgeon in general. The year has passed and I feel that other first year residents are more competent and are at least trying to solve some problems. What I mean is I just kinda feel comfortable doing what I am told without thinking . I'm not saying I should make every call. F*** that, we are working with real people. But if I encounter I task where I need to make a call for myself (the simplest task like giving antibiotics for empiric urinary tract infection or organizing an MRI for the patient, which involves all of the consent forms, calls, and logistical maneuvers) I feel stressed out. I somehow manage everything with the help of others but at the end of the day feel like I haven't done anything and that other people saved my ass once again.
Sorry if tit sounded too whiny. I just needed to get it out of my system.
Maybe you have any suggestions? recommendations? How to be more courageous? how to make everything of my day? Maybe there's nothing wrong?
Cya
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