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Posted for a member
I am a first year student at a US veterinary school. I am a non-trad student- older, married with a child. I have spent the last 10 years of my life overcommitted and hyperfocused on getting to this point.
I am a survivor of childhood abuse. Approximately 12 years ago I experienced an involuntary commitment to a mental health facility and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Until recently I always considered that to be a misdiagnosis, and attributed the behaviors and thought patterns that got me committed to be normal reactions to the abuse I experienced. I became much better after I was released and removed myself from the abusive environment. I thought I was mentally healthy. In my vet school application I did reference my dysfunctional childhood as an obstacle I overcame, but did not discuss being committed.
Upon starting school last fall I nearly immediately fell into a deep depression. Within a few weeks I spoke to the vet school psychologist about it, and he referred me to an MD. I started taking an SSRI; it was the first time I'd ever felt bad enough to medicate myself since being committed. I'd always felt the medications I had been forced to take made me worse, not better.
It may have been the meds, or just that I became closer with my classmates and felt more of a sense of place, but I managed to pull myself back up for a while, and had decent academic performance through the end of fall semester. After the new year I began to have difficulty focusing on school again, largely due to events in my personal life and relationships. I did not feel the same kind of depression I felt at the beginning of the year anymore, but my school performance was very poor. I managed to spectacularly fail an important exam, and then had to struggle very hard to bring my grade back up to a D for that course. I am now on academic probation because of the D, but I largely feel grateful I am at least still in vet school.
Due to the issues in my personal life I am starting to reconsider my previous diagnosis of BPD. I have felt an increasing sense that I cannot discern reality from the unhealthy fictions my mind creates. I am consumed with this doubt, and the fear that believing the wrong reality will cause me to take actions that will harm people I love.
I am worried that my mental health issues will cause me to fail out of vet school, but at the same time I am worried about what will happen if I go to the school and tell them I think I'm not quite sane. I'm going to find a counselor, outside of the school to talk to about this, but I'm worried that won't be enough. I have considered voluntarily committing myself as well. However if I could somehow work on myself and continue school at the same time that would be the best thing. If I pull out of school now I believe I would need to start the year over at least; I don't know if I would have to re-apply.
I'm also worried about the financial implications to my family, both the cost of mental health services and the enormous debt we have and would be unable to repay if I cannot complete my studies.
Any advice would be appreciated.